I’d Do Anything For Love (but I Won’t Do That)

As we join our Always-The-Best-Friend-Never-the-Girlfriend Jillian and her hopeless, helpless Bachelors back at their Californian estate, we have the opportunity to reflect, briefly, on…

Why the fuck do I watch this show again?

Oh yeah, I remember. To watch 25 30 totally losers fight to “win” a girl even though statistics say that their relationship will last approximately 1.8 seconds after the cameras shut off.

And to feel better about myself. But that’s like duh.

So, on to the Sausage Fest!

This week the 16 losers, uh, I mean, Bachelors left will fight it out during two individual dates and one group date. I’m guessing that this week is when they all whip out their junk at the group date to compare length and girth right? I mean, we’ve already seen Brian’s little Guillermo and obviously it wasn’t that impressive since he got the no-rose-for-you right afterwards! It’s obviously the best and quickest way to determine Mr. Right, right?

What?

They don’t do that on this show?!

Why the fuck do I watch this show again?!

Ed, the technology consultant from Chicago, scored the first one-on-one totally based in reality date. So what are the two going to do on their normal, everyday kind of date?

Well, first they travel to their destination in a helicopter.

Are you fucking kidding me?

I have an idea for a show. How about you going on a NORMAL date where you are stuck deciding on which restaurant, Red Robin or Ivars, to eat at and then, oh my god no, you actually have to sit and talk to each other about, gasp, your life! You know, instead of flying in a god damn helicopter to repel down the side of a fucking skyscraper in downtown Los Angeles.

Like I said before, are you fucking kidding me?

And this is all besides the fact that if I were Ed, I’d be all, “Uh, yeah. You’re cute and everything Jillian, but no fucking way. Can we please go get a latte or something ’cause I am not repelling down a fucking skyscraper for you. Kthnxbei.”

I totally love how they are all screaming, “Yeah! Woohoo!” and then when you see them “repelling,” They are actually going about 0.0000000000001 miles per hour down the rope.

After sloooowly falling down the side of a building and making out in a swimming pool, Jill and Ed continued to make out over a candlelit dinner on a rooftop in LA.

Like I said, totally realistic date.

And does anyone else see Ed Robertson from the Barenaked Ladies when they look at Ed? Wait. Is Ed really Ed Robertson?! You decide:

Don’t get me wrong, that’s not a bad thing! I like Ed and he’s cuuute! Okay, not as hawt as Jake, but he is tall, dark and handsome, which ain’t a bad thing at all!!

The group date, which includes Reid, Wes, Mike, Michael, Tanner F. Mark, Brad, Robbie, Tanner P., Kimptyn and Juan, consists of the always uncomfortable acting scenarios. This season the boys are pretending to be cowboys in an old-time Western film.

Did I mention that there was a lot of awkward kisses and even more awkward “acting”?

I know Jill’s whole goal of this activity is to be all spontaneous and see which guys are good sports, but I would soooo hate doing this group date. I am not the kind of girl that would be happy about being put in such awkward circumstances. Or writing and performing songs like Jason forced the girls to do last season, thankyouverymuch.

And I can’t skip over the Brokeback Mountain homo-erotic Michael-on-Mike action! I can’t lie, I was secretly hoping they would kiss… They were super good sports and I think they totally got ripped off when Jillian didn’t even give them each a “Sorry to make you gay cowboys” apology kiss.

After humiliating the men in chaps and vests (totally my fantasy date…), the group headed to some rooftop/loft/bar/pool/whatever for drinks and man-bitching.

Can I sidenote for a minute here? Of course I can, it’s my blog…

So seriously, why the hell is Tanner P. still around? Somehow Jillian thinks it endearing to have him sexually molest her feet within 2 seconds of them being available for molestation?! This guy not only needs to be Auf’d IMMEDIATELY, but I’m pretty sure he should be required to announce himself as a sexual foot predator the next time he moves. I know I, for one, would don some big old Uggs instead of flip flops if I knew that he lived next door…

Okay, back to the fun. While most of the guys competing for Jillian’s heart are at best dorky nerds and at worst sexual predators, there are a few stand-outs in the crowd:

Ed
Obviously love him (see above). Totally cute and genuine. I worry a bit about the whole “I don’t open up” side of him. This could be his eventual downfall.

Jake
Oh, Jake. Sweet, sweet sexy pilot Jake. I’m pretty sure Jake has this thing in the bag. I mean, look at him!
<-- Seriously, LOOK AT HIM! *drool*

Robby
Who knew?! When he swept her off of her feet while “acting”/kissing, I thought “now THAT is how you sweep a girl off her feet!!” Take note, Brian. Oh wait, Brian was already Jill-iminated (trademark!) for showing off his junk… Well, take note for next season, buddy.

Mike
Part of me thinks that Mike and Jillian are destined for each other just because their babies will have FANTASTIC hair. I mean, geez. Do they shampoo with unicorn tears or something?! Hair that gorgeous should be illegal. Or at the very least attainable by us mere humans.

I also really like/d Sasha, who got invited on the other one-on-one date with Jillian. I still really like him but after listening to his lack-of-love and heartbreak, I think that he might not be as practiced in love as Jillian is looking for…

And…Sasha got the shaft.

Jillian is a total nut job! I can’t believe that just because he was honest with her about not feeling like he had ever been in real love, she sent him home? I think she was just scared and kind of pussed out. I think Sasha definitely deserved to stay and grow his relationship with Jillian longer. Much more deserving than Douchebag “Rooster” Wes, Asshole David and Foot Fetish Tanner.

But thankfully, two more (only two? Come ABC, I could get ride of roughly 12 right now without even trying) Bachelors have to get the boot, so everyone got busy with another Sausage Fest/Cock Fight/{Fill in the Innuendo Blank} Cocktail Hour. Reid scored his first kiss, David proved himself even more of an asshole (is that possible? Eventually his ‘roid rage will create a black hole of assholery wherein he will self-implode and suck all the asshole out of the room.), Wes made my gay-radar start to beep and Tanner P. continues to make me vomit violently in my mouth.

Unfortunately, the 85-hour cocktail hour felt like 800 hours due to David’s overwhelming hatred/obsession with Juan. Is this what people were talking about in regards to gay guys in the house? David struts around so obsessed and jealous of Juan, I’m starting to think he may be jealous of Jillian instead! Maybe it’s just too much alcohol, but Dave just seems like he is a drama queen and looking for a fight.

Wow! Hold up! Jillian’s short make-out session with Kimptyn was HAAAAAAAAWT! Like, my-ovaries-are-stirring-up-and-I hope-Mr.-Bee-gets-home-soon hawt!

Okay, back to the David/Juan drama. Honestly, I kind of hope David just blows up soon so he’ll be kicked off the show. And/or Juan, too. I’m totally over David’s whiny-Juan-is-a-douchey-mcdoucherson act and Juan totally is a Doucherson and I’m way over him, too.

Man, was Chris Harrison a sight for sore eyes. The Rose Ceremony could not come fast enough this episode!

And our final thirteen (that number seems random?) Bachelors are: Ed, Robby, Jake, Reid, Mark, Jesse, Tanner P. (what. the. fuck. seriously.), Wes, Juan, Michael, Kimptyn, Mike and “Gentlemen…Jillian…the final rose tonight…” goes to David.

Leaving us this week was Sasha, Brad and Tanner F. I gotta say that Sasha was robbed, but Brad and Tanner F. both look like serial killers to me, so they won’t really be missed…

Next week on The Bachelorette…I’m gonna just throw a guess out and say that they will go on a few more totally unrealistic dates (in Jillian’s home town, no less!), David will freak out for some reason and a few more douchebags will go home.

Hopefully.

Song title: I’d Do Anything For Love (but I Won’t Do That) by Meat Loaf