In an attempt to revive my other hobby/obsession/blog-time-sucker, otherwise known as my blog devoted to my everlasting and passionate love of television, TiVoJunkie, I’ve decided to review the upcoming Fall Television Schedule for those of us who depend on our close friends like Gregory (House), Temperance (you can call her “Bones”), and Christina (because Meredith is a whiny little bitch) to get us through the week.

Wow. How was that a run-on sentence?

This is the intro that never ends…It just goes on and on, my friend…

Alright, already. I could waste more time writing you a limerick about a man from Nantucket, but I’ll save that for another day…

Fall Television Schedule – 2009/2010 Season – Monday

* * * * * * * * * *

ABC begins the Monday night line-up with two hours of Dancing with the Stars. Now forgive me, as I’m sure to offend many people when I say this, but DWTS sucks monkey balls. And I don’t even mean regular monkey balls. Like shriveled up old monkey balls off of this guy:

I’m sorry. I just couldn’t NOT post a photo of a monkey that looks exactly like Larry King.

But seriously, I am completely boggled at the popularity of DWTS. Everyone realizes that it’s the new Hollywood Squares, right? It should really be called “Dancing with the Stars (colon) We Can’t Get Work Anywhere Else so We Have to be on This Dumbass Show”.

And people realize that there are shows like So You Think You Can Dance that actually feature people who know how to dance, right? And usually you don’t have to worry about them breaking a hip or their prosthetic leg whipping off during an energetic twirl on the dance floor. Well, usually anyway.

Following DWTS, ABC is bringing back Castle, which stars the super dreamy Nathan Fillion. Fillion plays a successful murder mystery novelist who brokered a deal with the NYPD to shadow them on investigations. He then, of course, through wit and sarcasm, assists the lead detective (who – shocker! – is a hot, sassy romantic interest) in solving crimes.

I personally love this show. And not only because I get a chance to lick my television screen whenever Fillion enters a scene.

That reminds me…I need to buy more Windex before the new shows start up…

* * * * * * * * * *

CBS, in my humble television-obsessed opinion, rules Monday nights. And that is for two reasons, my friends: How I Met Your Mother and Big Bang Theory, two of the best ensemble comedies on tv today.

If you aren’t watching these two shows, first of all: you are retarded. Secondly, let me tell you a bit about them. HIMYM features Neil Patrick Harris, Allyson Hannigan, Jason Segel, well, you get the idea. As a bunch of 30-somethings living in New York, HIMYM chronicles the main character’s, Ted’s, journey to find the love of his life and, you guessed it, the mother of his future children. But, basically all you need to know is that NPH is awesome and I would even go out on a limb and say that this season is “gonna be legen-… wait for it… and I hope you’re not lactose intolerant because the second half of that word is -DARY!”

Now, I didn’t jump on the Big Bang Theory band wagon immediately, but once Sissy told me that each of the nerds characters all embodied different characteristics of Mr. Bee, well, I have to tune in. The show follows four very intelligent, yet socially-inept CalTech researchers and, well, wacky antics ensue. And I won’t lie, I love this show so much that the entire BareNaked Ladies theme song is on my iPod right now.

Sandwiched between HIMYM and BBT, we’ve got Accidentally on Purpose, which is a new show featuring Jenna Elfman as a film critic who gets pregnant after a one-night stand. Now the creators say that the show isn’t based off of the movie Knocked Up, but you can’t help but notice some startling similarities in the online sneak peek:

As much as I looooooove Jenna Elfman (seriously, I wanted to *be* her in the Dharma and Greg days and I have photos of my hairstyle to prove it), I’m not seeing this as a long-lasting show for CBS this year.

After BBT, for some reason, Two and a Half Men is back.

Why, dear sweet baby Jesus in your manger full of hay, why do people like this show?

I can totally understand watching it for Duckie, because, dude, DUCKIE. But over-aged and wrinkly Charlie Sheen trying to sex up some barely legal bimbos with some fat tweenager shouting “witty” (and I use that word very loosely) comments from the sidelines? No, thank you. That show is BANNED from Chez Bee.

Also banned from Chez Bee is CSI: Miami, mostly because we don’t watch shows with scripts written by 2 day-old monkeys (with the exception of the Hills, because we all have to have our dirty little show that we’re embarrassed to admit that we watch). If I never see David Caruso do this…

…again, it will be too soon.

* * * * * * * * * *

Now I’m not a huge CW fan, mostly because I have already gone through puberty, but every once in a while there is a day that I totally tune in.

Monday, however, is not that day. One Tree Hill, which is a tween drama (I think) about drama and sex and drama (I think), is on it’s seventh season.

You heard me correctly. This show has been on for SEVEN seasons. And, honestly, I don’t even know who the cast is. Except that I think David from 90210 was on it for an episode or two. Pretty much all I need to know about OTH, I learned from PerezHilton and that’s really far too much.

OTH is followed by Gossip Girl, the fictional version of Bravo’s I’m a Rich and Narcissistic Teenage Asshole in New York. What? Is that not the name of the show? I must be old and a mother when I find Gossip Girl a bit too accepting of sex and drinking for a teenage drama. And plus, that guy who can’t un-squint his eyes just creeps me out.

* * * * * * * * * *

Oh Fox. Poor, schizophrenic, Fox. I’ve never quite wrapped my brain around a network that can give us So You Think You Can Dance and House, M.D. and then turn around and produce Moment of Truth and Big Brother.

But speaking of House, our most beloved, snarky and yeah, maybe just a bit of a drug addict, doctor is back this season. Last season left House being dropped off at a coo-coo for cocoa puffs institution. Will he stop hallucinating? Will he being able to practice medicine again? Will he ever bang Cuddy (you know, for reals and not just in his dreams)? All those answers and more are sure to be answered this season.

After House, Lie to Me, returns. Lie to Me is about a doctor who analyzes body language to detect when people are lying. He is accompanied by Kelli Williams (the cute chick from The Practice) in assisting federal law enforcement, government agencies and local police with their most difficult cases.

Honestly, the commercials have never been tempting to me, but after reading up on the show, I might have to tune in to an episode or two. I’ll keep you updated – I know you’ll be on the edge of your seats, don’t lie.

* * * * * * * * * *

Finally, our Monday Night Lineup ends with the Peacock. After ditching Medium and My Name is Earl, NBC has a lot of ass kissing to do to get back in to my good graces.

NBC’s Monday Night begins with an hour of Heroes. When Hereos debuted, I lurved it. I wanted to *be* the cheerleader. Or you know, at least the hot chick with multiple personalities that can freeze people. I didn’t really want to be Sylar because raw brains just don’t do it for me.

But after a few seasons, I have completely lost interest.

“Yeah, sure, not that big of a deal,” you say. But for me, it’s a HUGE deal. I, lover of all these televised (except for televangelism and Gardening with Cisco (or Cristco, as we call him) – because, really, both make me want to rip my eyes out with red-hot pokers) do not stop watching a television show without some inner turmoil on my part.

I won’t say that it’s natural or even normal, but I seriously feel like I’m letting my stories down when I decide that they are getting Auf’d from my TiVo lineup. When I stopped watching Law & Order, I practically had to have a wake to honor my previous love of the show.

And, you know, it never hurts to have another reason to drink and talk about television.

So it took a lot for me to tell Heroes to pack their knives and go. Or pack their super human abilities and teleport or something. Whichever is faster.

After Heroes is NBC’s new drama Trauma. Try saying that sentence five times fast. Trauma is NBC’s answer to the lack of E.R. by following a gaggle of first responder paramedics in their quest to save lives. If that didn’t sound dumb enough, check out the photo of the cast from the Trauma webpage:

To assist you, here is my guess at the characters you see above

(from left to right):

Slut – Tough Guy – Lenny Kravitz – Sassy Ethnic Lady – Softhearted Teddy Bear – Child Molester – Old Cranky Constipated Man

Last and most certainly least is the new Jay Leno show, creatively titled The Jay Leno Show. According to his ratings, I must be the only person in America that does not find Leno entertaining or funny. But hell, he has approximately 18 trillion million billion dollars more than I do, so obviously he’s doing something right.

* * * * * * * * * *

The Final Monday Night Rundown

Song title: I Was Confused (About The Television Set) by Ten Hands