I Was Confused (About The Television Set) – Part Four

Man, there are WAY too many good shows premiering soon! I shit you not, today my task is to make an Excel spreadsheet to figure out which shows will be TiVo’d in which room. Lest ye forget, I have three TiVo with the ability to record five shows at any given time. I have to tackle this shit with a serious game plan or my highly orchestrated television watching organization could crumble around us.

And that, my friends, would be devastating.

To me, at least. But I’ll pretend that you give a shit, too.

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Fall Television Schedule – 2009/2010 Season –

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Okay, so ABC is already making my knickers moist in anticipation of their Thursday Night line up. First, we get FlashForward. Have you seen the commercials for this show?! The premise is that every person in the world blacks out for 2 minutes and 17 seconds, at the exact same time, and during that period has flashs of their future (they hypothesize that it’s roughly 6 months in the future). One woman, who is happily married, sees a flash of herself in bed with another man (a man that she has never met). Another person doesn’t have a flash at all and fears that it means that he will have no future (i.e. be dead) in 6 months time.

Oh, and did I mention that it stars Joseph Fiennes and John Cho (of Harold & Kumar fame)?

~ ~ ~ drool ~ ~ ~

Next on the oh-my-god-I-can’t-wait line up is Grey’s Anatomy. I know not all of you are fans and I am even convinced that eventually one of the doctors (I won’t even limit it to a female doctor) will be impregnated with an alien baby.

But I won’t lie. I love it. Every ridiculous minute of it.

I was lucky enough to happen upon a sneak peek of the first five minutes of the season premiere. If you don’t want to read a spoiler regarding the first five minutes, don’t highlight the white text below:

In the first five minutes, there are definitely some twists and turns. George flatlines while Izzie is shocked back to life. Everyone deals with George’s passing differently and Dr. Torres immediately begins hyperventilating and freaking out. But when Dr. McSteamy and Lexie hear the “Joe Doe is George” rumor, things really begin to get twisty. Lexie enters the scrub room while the nurses are taking care of the body on the table (removing his socks). Lexie proclaims that the dead person is far too tall, it can’t be George!! What the what?!?!

Next up is Private Practice, the spin-off of Grey’s Anatomy. I, for one, have never been a super huge fan of the show, but I’ll watch it now and again if I’m really hard up for a Thursday night show. Which, as you’ll see, doesn’t happen often.

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Seriously, Thursday is by far my favorite night of the week as far as television goes. Survivor (colon) Samoa is one of the only shows that I’ve totally hooked Mr. Bee on, so every Thursday we hunker down to watch a group of sixteen(?) social misfits try to outwit, outplay and outlast each other. Somehow, even though they hardly EVER change things up on this show, I love it each and every season.

And how many of you watched the season premiere last week? What’s up with this Russell asshat? For those of you that don’t watch, this total King o’ the Douches thinks that anything with a vagina is devoid of any brain cells and is actually sabotaging his own teammates just to fuck with them. One evening, while all the other douches were asleep, this guy drank or dumped out every single canteen and then took some random dude’s socks and threw them in the fire!! For no reason!!

Personally, I’m hoping that they’ll have a new twist this season: tribal douche sacrifice.

Survivor is followed up by CSI (that’s Crime Scene Investigation for those of your living under a rock). I won’t lie, I tune in to this little gem every once and a while, but now that Grissom is gone, it just ain’t the same. And while I can totally suspend reality while I watch tv (the Hills is totally unscripted y’all!), I have a super big issue with CSI techs acting like cops and interrogating witnesses and shit. Am I the only one that thinks this is ridiculous? Aren’t CSI technicians glorified lab rats (I mean that in the best sense of the word, of course – I think that kind of work is fascinating, hence my addiction to all shows murder mystery relate)?

Last on the CBS Thursday line up is The Mentalist. Honestly, I refuse to watch the Mentalist for two reasons: (1) The one episode I watched sucked sweaty monkey balls, and (2) it’s a total rip-off of Psych on USA. And Psych is fucking hi-larious. And they even make references to the Mentalist being a rip-off every now and again on the show (I told you they were rad).

So watch Psych instead. You’ll thank me later.

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Okay, I’ve confessed before to my little naughty CW show obsession and it doesn’t stop at ANTM and 90210. I totally ::heart:: the newest Twilight rip-off, Vampire Diaries. Yes, yes, I’m a total hypocrite (see review of the Mentalist above), but there is nothing better than a show about a brooding, dark, handsome and mysterious hunk of burning (in hell) love being totally obsessed with you. I mean, you know, the girl in the show.

Yes, maybe I pretend I’m her every Thursday night. And yes, maybe I like to pretend that I don’t have my muffin top or stretch marks anymore and that some sexy ass vampire wants to do me. Sue me, okay. (PS: You know you totally do it, too).

Continuing the night o’ mysterious hot dudes, Supernatural debuted it’s fifth season a few weeks ago. While I’m not a huge fan of the show, I can’t say anything bad about something that features Denny from Grey’s Anatomy. I don’t care if the guy is dying from a stroke or a supernatural ghosty thing, that dude is haaawt.

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Oh, Bones. How I love thee. Bones is yet another murder mystery show (my TiVo schedule is heavy with them), but I don’t know if there is another couple on tv like Dr. Temperance Brennan and Special Agent Seeley Booth. And come on, David Boreanaz is a looker, right? *sigh* I must have some deep seated love for (ex)vampires, huh?

Anywho, so Brennan and Booth solve crimes together with help from their misfit band of lab techs. Which is all good, but tell the truth: we’re all wondering when Temperance and Seeley are going to “bone”, right? I know I am!

After Bones is the second season of Fringe. I tried to watch last season mostly because I got some of the best television quotes from this show, such as: “Oh, I just pissed myself. Just a squirt!”

I mean, really folks. Does it get any better than that? If you liked X-files and Pacey on Dawson’s Creek, then this show is definitely for you.

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I don’t think there is a night that NBC hits it out of the park as well as on Thursdays.

Wait, did that sentence make *any* sense?

Yeah, I didn’t think so. It’s getting late, what can I say?

For a few weeks, Thursdays on NBC will feature SNL (colon) Weekend Update Thursday. Last week’s was pretty good, but it does make me miss Amy Poehler in regular SNL sketches. But I’ll take any little bit of “Seriously?! with Seth & Amy” that I can.

Next up is Parks and Recreation and despite my aforementioned love of all things Poehler, I’ve never really gotten in to this show. Maybe I’ll try to hit it again this season and see if it floats my boat yet, because it could never meet up to the hilarity that is…

The Office! Oh, crazy Michael Scott, lovable Jim, adorable (and pregnant this season!) Pam. And who could forget differently-abled Kevin and alcoholic Meredith? Did you see the episode last season (?) where the new HR lady actually thought that Kevin was retarded?! Fucking comedic genius, yo. The Office has me laughing so hard that Mr. Bee usually has to pause the TiVo and tell me to shut up because he can’t hear the dialog over my cackling.

Rounding up our Thursday night is the new Joel McHale show, Community. The premise is that Jeff (Joel McHale) is a pretty cut-throat attorney who has just been outed as having a fake undergraduate degree from the Internet. To prevent himself from being disbarred, he has enrolled in a community college to earn his degree and go back to work. The show, featuring Chevy Chase (from, well, everything), John Oliver (from the Daily Show) and newcomer Danny Pudi as the aspergers-esque Abed, is down right hilarious awesomeness. And you can quote me on that.

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The Final Thursday Night Rundown

New Shows This Season:
FlashForward
Vampire Diaries
Community

Thumbs Up:
Grey’s Anatomy
Survivor: Samoa
Bones
SNL: Weekend Update Thursday
The Office

Thumbs Down:
Private Practice
CSI
The Mentalist
Supernatural
Fringe
Parks and Recreation

Song title: I Was Confused (About The Television Set) by Ten Hands