“I think I fucked up and if I could reverse things, I would.”

As we all sit and wait impatiently to find out which Bachelor needs to get a prescription for Viagra, we first are subjected to Jillian’s unique insights regarding the final three men (as she write J + ? in the sand, of course – gag). And frolics in the sand and surf (double gag).

“I honestly feel like I’m going to puke right now.”
On Jillian’s first date in Hawaii, she tortures Kiptyn with a rope obstacle course thingy. Like three stories in the air.

As if repelling down a skyscraper and acting in a spaghetti Western weren’t bad enough, if any date of mine brought me to this extreme torture device, I’d be all “Um, no. kthnxbei.”

Jillian and Kiptyn, on the other hand, seemed to enjoy themselves. Weirdos.

The final stunt was to climb a tall ass pole and jump from the top in an attempt to catch a trapeze bar.

It seems like Jillian’s goal with this date was to determine whether or not she trusts Kiptyn. As far as I can tell, the result is a resounding, “yes” as Kiptyn both had a tremendous amount of fun (wasn’t the total ice queen she thought he was) and was really supportive and encouraging when Jillian struggled to reach the top of his her pole.

Later, over wine (OF COURSE), they get another opportunity to spend the night together in the Fantasy Suite. “Jillian is falling for Kiptyn, but is she ready to give him her all?”

And by “all” we mean “vagina”.

And yes, America, she is. Willing to give him her vagina, that is.

“When I look at him and imagine him standing there at the altar waiting for me, he is somebody that I can easily picture standing there waiting for me to walk down the aisle. Easily.”
Well, we never said that she was the most eloquent Bachelorette… And seriously, doesn’t Jillian look completely hammered when she does her little “confessional” time with the camera?! It’s amazing that she hasn’t passed out during one yet.

On Jillian’s date with Reid, even though he wanted to simply suck face with her under the palm trees (so much for getting to know each other, well, unless he means in the biblical sense?), Jillian took him on a helicopter tour of Maui.

During their picnic lunch after the helicopter ride, Jillian questions Reid about his hesitation about marriage. Obviously Jillian wants a marriage proposal out of this whole process, but Reid, to her dismay, is actually “normal” and feels like the show just moves things really fast, faster than he would like.

Well, that and he’s emotional retarded. Or a four year old. Whichever is less mature, I suppose.

At dinner, Jillian continues to hammer the marriage/proposal issue home and Reid finally admits to being indecisive. Not exactly what a “girlfriend” (and I’ll use the term VERY loosely to describe any relationship on this show) wants to hear.

But my guess is that Reid is not going to be indecisive when it comes to getting laid. And shocker, they spend the night together! Reid promises to answer all her questions in the Fantasy Suite, but I’m guessing that will be a bit difficult with his tongue down her throat…

The night ends with Jillian and her glass of wine taking a bath. Oh, and I think Reid was in there, too. Although, I’m pretty sure that the wine glass was Jill’s first priority!

”I don’t want to be away from him for more than a second.”
Jillian and Ed start their date on a huge catamaran named Trilogy (punny, ABC!). During a short break from making out on the boat, Jillian admits (for the umpteenth time) that she really is disappointed that she didn’t get to meet Ed’s (I mean, Richie’s) family.

After a quick dip, Ed surprises Jillian by flying his parents to Maui to meet her. Her reaction alone was priceless! While Kiptyn and her definitely are a good match, it seems so clear to me that she feels way more for Ed than either of the other two.

Back at the hotel, Jillian meets Judy and Rick, Ed’s folks. On first sight, they seem, well, just normal. You could tell Jillian was totally nervous because, uh, verbal diarrhea much?

And I LOVE Ed’s dad: “What the hell are we doing here? What is going on?!” He is obviously concerned for Ed (but mostly Ed’s job, I guess). Once Rick heard that Ed wants to propose to Jillian if he is the last man standing, a smile spread across his face and he seemed much more in to the process.

After an easy-peasy conversation with Mom, Dad begins his conversation with Jillian as a lion and quickly morphs in to a weeping teddy bear wishing the best for Ed and Jillian. He started so abrasively that I thought he would make Jillian cry at some point, but was totally disappointed when he dropped the act quickly and just turned in to a big ball of mush!

In order to have some “intimate, cozy, sexy time”, Jillian and Ed quickly accept Chris’ invitation to stay in the Fantasy Suite.

Anyone else think that it’s kind of creepy that our beloved host, Chris Harrison, personally invites them to get in on in the suite later?

Instead of going through the pretense of dinner, Ed just meets Jillian at the Fantasy Suite and prepares to spill his heart (and more – ew, I just grossed myself out!) to Jillian.

Ed declared to Jillian that he was falling in love with her and literally swept her off her feet to the bedroom. In a change up from the other men, the cameras actually stayed around to capture their intimate, how do I say this, foreplay? And when/how do Jillian and Ed say to the camera men, “Uh, yeah, so we’re gonna have sex now if you’d like to leave?”

Except…

They didn’t have sex.

What the what?!

Oh, Ed. Sweet, hawt Ed. We’d not have sex with you in a heartbeat!!

”What does that mean, exactly?”
After a ridiculously long and painful recap of EVERYTHING.THAT.WE.JUST.WATCHED, Chris gives Jillian time to watch videos from each Bachelor, made just for her.

Kiptyn’s video, while starting with a city by city recount of their travels (boring!), seemed genuine and hopeful. Like Reid and unlike Ed, Kiptyn says that he “could see himself falling in love” with her. Hmmm, not too convincing…

Reid’s video begins, duh, with how amazing their sexy time was in the Fantasy Suite. He wasn’t terribly convincing regarding his feelings and we are reminded, once again, that he is emotionally retarded (or at least incapable of vocalizing said emotions).

Ed’s video was the only one that felt extremely heartfelt and, WHAMMY!! He not only said that he wants the opportunity to propose to her, but said “it”. “I LOVE YOU!”

HOLY FUCK BALLS!!

Way to go, Ed!!

At the “most emotional rose ceremony yet” (won’t someone eventually have an emotional break down during the rose ceremony since they all get progressively more and more “dramatic and emotional”?), Jillian breaks from tradition (but really, she does this every week, so it would be weird if she DIDN’T do something surprising) and asks to have a minute with Ed before her decision.

Basically Jillian asks Ed, “What the fuck happened the other night?” and Ed was all “uh, bitch, you are sleeping with two other guys and there were cameras in the room. Buzzkill, much?” But, you know, in a sweet, I love you, way.

Keeping us on the edge of our recliners for two seconds, Jillian gives the first rose to Kiptyn. And our final rose, the man who will be going to the finale and (hopefully) proposing, is…

ED!!

Poor Reid. Goodbye sweet, verbally-constipated friend.

Goddammit, why do I always get sucked in to this show thinking that the people will fall in love and live happily ever after? I swore this time, with Wes the King of all Douche Bags, that I was simply along for the ride, to rubberneck at the train wreck before me.

But now I’m emotionally involved!! Now I want Ed to “win”. I want them to get engaged, let me plan their wedding and have cute little babies with perfect hair.

God damn this show.