I Hate Myself

21 Oct

My interweb buddy, Rachael at Scientific Nature of the Whammy, recently started participating in this awesome writing project called 30 Days of Truth. Because we’re all about truthiness here (how do you write about a colonoscopy and NOT be honest?), I thought that it’d be a great way to get the creative bloggy juices flowing!

But because we’re also full of the Procrastination, you know there is no way in hell that I’m actually going to be able to blog/post every day for thirty days. So instead, I am debuting today…

Mama Bee’s Thirty Posts of Truthiness

Each post has a theme or question, if you will, that I will be writing about. Some important ones like “What do you love about yourself?” and some relatively insignificant ones like “What do you think about gay marriage?”

Oh wait, I might have mixed up the questions just then.

Today’s inaugural question is:

“What is something you hate about yourself?”

Okay, to be fair, we all know that I’m obviously Full of the Awesome, because, uh, duh. I mean, I know you are all sitting around reading this blog, nodding your head and thinking, “Man, I wish I had her anxiety-fueled pooping issues and profanity-laced speech patterns!!”

It’s totally understandable, yo. ((blows on nails and buffs them on shoulder))

Shockingly, I actually don’t like some things about myself.

(This is where you gasp. I’ll wait…)

Hate is a strong word, but mulling over this question for thirty seconds or so hours, I think one of the things I dislike a lot about myself is my tendency to do everything half-assed.

It’s not that I don’t try at things, I mean I went to law school for Christ’s sake, but it’s especially obvious with my education that I do my work, I try hard, but I still feel like I’m giving only 90%.

With law school, I chose to go at it half-assed. To this day I remember a second-year student at orientation explaining that most relationships fail during school because of the stress. A month later, I found myself starting a relationship with a sweet man you might know by the name Mr. Bee. It was then that I made a choice between working 24/7 on my grades and possibly sacrificing my relationship OR accepting mediocre grades and allocating some time to build this potentially serious budding relationship. Obviously I made the right decision in that case, but boy were my grades half-assed!

Even with my job I feel like I could give more. I get so many compliments from colleagues, clients, venues, etc. about how good I am at my job, but I still feel like I’m just doing the obvious. I don’t go above and beyond and if I don’t go above and beyond then I’m really just half-assing it, right?

Worst of all, this 90% feeling hurts when I think about my parenting. Somehow even though I have a 3-year-old who is starting to read, can write her name by herself, etc etc, pretty much all the credit goes to PBS Kids.

But as I type all this out and force myself to read the words, I think what I hate most about myself is clearly this feeling of inadequacy. That somehow, no matter how much effort I put in to something, it’s not enough. That I could still do MORE.

Maybe one day I’ll realize that I’m doing my best and that’s all that matters.

Who knows, maybe one day I’ll even believe it.

Song title: I Hate Myself by Kill the Hippies

3 Responses to “I Hate Myself”

  1. Johanna October 24, 2010 at 11:02 am #

    Oh my, how I relate to that -both the half assed school, job, life and the feeling of inadequacy. But woman, you have a pretty cool career and studied LAW (law! That’s 3 years of full-assed smartness right there), you have what seems to be a really healthy family life, and you’re the one of the most brilliant and hilarious bloggers out there. This is super impressive!

  2. Mrs. J October 25, 2010 at 6:51 pm #

    Or…you’re trying as hard as you damn well feel like, and well, that’s enough. I feel ya. Grad school? Enough to sail through. Work? Thanks, but it’s just the obvious… Being on time for stuff? TOTALLY half-assed. See? :) xo

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