I Get the Job Done
30 Jun
To Whom It May Concern Regarding Current Stork Performance:
I am writing today to request a swift and immediate improvement in current stork performance as it pertains to the Bee Family. I have been an employee of Baby Bee Incorporated for more than two years, and I feel that my experience and skills, while increasing daily, warrant a promotion to Mother of Two and a raise in the form of an additional baby.
Throughout my tenure, I have advanced from a married woman with countless hours of free time to a typical suburban mom, counting the minutes until I have a free hour to myself to watch The Housewives of New Jersey. Despite the decrease of personal breaks, which, by the way, must be in violation of state law, my workload continues to grow.
Since I was hired two years ago, my responsibilities have grown significantly. I have managed to raise Bee somewhat successfully from an infant to a toddler and, at last count, all ten fingers and all ten toes remain intact. To date, there have been no emergency room visits and only one outbreak of butt worms.
Daily evaluations of Bee’s intellect also indicate promising results. She became proficient at spelling by 19 months and her vocabulary grows in an exponential fashion. This week, we are working on saying “I want a baby sister, you godd@mn Stork” with perfect pronunciation.
With that said, I do admit that my abilities in the cooking and cleaning departments are lacking, but I think you will find that my standards will remain static, if not improve, with a second child.
Who are we kidding? It will get worse. But no one ever died of dirty dishes on the counter, right?
There has been an obvious increase in your workload in my surrounding area so I can see how you could have possibly overlooked my delivery. I am well aware that these mothers have earned their promotions as well, but seeing the local baby increase can be quite frustrating for a consistent and well-deserving employee such as myself. Might I suggest that instead of giving everyone and their cousin a set of twins, maybe you could divide the burden among a few different mothers? Just a suggestion.
Based on the feedback that I have received, I believe that you and your manager (Mrs. Stork?) will find that I have been performing excellently as a mother. I am beyond ready to tackle the challenges of being a mother of two and look forward to the increase in duties.
I feel that this discussion is long overdue, and I hope that you will give my request some serious consideration. I fear that a lack in response from you soon could result in personal harm to yourself in the form of a duck hunting rifle to your temple. Don’t risk it, Stork. Just don’t.
In conclusion, please submit my request of a promotion immediately and remit compensation in the form of one adorable Cletus the Fetus to my womb immediately.
Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Mama Bee
CEO of Parenting and Household Management
Song title: I Get the Job Done by Big Daddy Kane
“To date, there have been no emergency room visits and only one outbreak of butt worms.”
OMG I just spit out my water…
I love it! And I hope the stork listens.
Good luck with Mr. Stork. Mr. Stork clearly also likes delivering twins to parents in my area, while not wanting to deliver anything to me. I am concerned it is because I am at work during the day and maybe I have to sign for delivery or something. If you see him, put in a good word for me!
Good call, Lindsay! Maybe I’ll let a note on the door to just leave Cletus on the front porch. Or maybe my neighbor could sign for me…
Dropping by from sits. Following your blog. The weekend is almost here. Yay! I hope you have a fun weekend planned.
Ms Cupcake.
Zen Cupcake
I love this post! I would even take it one step farther (further? farrer?) and say that you would be an even better parent to your second child… dont you have a running list of all the things you would do to improve with the second? Or is that just me?
Oh and make sure the stork leaves Cletus in the shade, those things dont fare too well in direct sunlight.
OMG, this is hilarious. Yet, not, you know? Good luck.
This may be one of my favorite posts ever! Hilarious.
Haha. Let me know if this technique works…I may have to try it myself.
Stopping by from SITS! What a letter! So funny…you go get that stork girl!! Hope you catch him/or her?? lol…
That’s some great writing! I have to say I know what you’re going through-it took us more than two years of trying to get pregnant with Baby Bug. Then we ended up with more than we bargained for when the stork simply circled the block and came back not even 6 months later! Now we have a 5 year old, an 18 month old and a nearly 4 month old….I want to say that I hope you are blessed as we were, but I kind of have to say “wisher beware” on that one. LoL.
lol…i love it!! i hope that stork pulled through for you! happy SITS day! you deserve it!
HAHAH! This is totally, awesomely hilarious and fantastically written.
There’s a stork market pun missing in there though. =)
Oh this is a brilliant nit of writing! I suffered from secondary infertility, and gosh, what a bugger. Did manage to get pregnant with no two (took us a year) and the was surprised when it was no 2 AND 3.
What a cute post. First time visitor here from SITS. Hope “the stork” honors your request.
Haha this is funny. For us, not so much for you, we understand. But the stork will come when its the right time for you.
ROTFL! Oh my gosh, that is brilliant. Stork the Dork better get busy….
Stopped by from SITS, love your blog.
Helen x
Good luck!
You are too funny! You should put that on your resume, too! Also, I’d like to put my name on the petition. I definitely vouch for you!
Cletus the fetus…….I LOL’d!
this is a great post. loved it!!!
I’m so glad you’re featured on SITS today, happy SITS day! This post is hilarious, I’m totally passing it around to my friends. I hope the stork shapes up and gives you the promotion you (clearly) deserve!
TY
Oh my goodness I think a little bit of pee came out – that was hilarious (as well and a little bit heart wrenching).
Hope the Stork makes your delivery soon
Congrats on your SITS day!
I love this! Stopping in from SiTS!
Happy SITS day, what a fantastically crafted letter!
Hysterical!!! I hope you get your “promotion” very soon too!
LOL…What a clever way to put it!!! You are fabulous!!! Love a fellow SITStah!!! 80) Keep up the fantastic work!
Now THAT is HILARIOUS!
Happy SITS Day!
Cute post.
Hope the stork promoted you.
Congrats on your SITS day!
You are hilarious! Butt worms…I can’t decide if I should click on the link or not.
Awesome writing! Hopefully Cletus arrives speedily!
Very funny! Dropping in from SITS…have a great day!
Great post…visiting from SITS! Hopefully Cletus gets there ASAP
LOL! Happy SITS Day!
How funny! I can see you haven’t lost your sense of humor.
Stopping by from SITS!
Nicely put! I hope the Storks take heed and grant your request soon! =)
Great Letter! I hope your request is fulfilled soon!
As for the dishes…get a Sister-Wife like I did.
OMG – this made me laugh! Love your sense of humor!
This is so clever…love it! I hope you get that promotion! Stopping by from SITS. Happy FB day!
Not a mom yet, but my sisters are and I’ve witnessed a lot of that! Lots of luck!
Good luck!
Love this! Always good to have a sense of humor about things.
Happy SITS day!
Stopping by from SITS. Great post! Very funny.
Not sure if you are still TTC or already preggo but I would recommend the book “Taking Charge of Your Fertility” by Toni Weschler. Very informative for TTC and natural birth control. I found it at my local library. Best of luck!
I hope the stork brings a baby to you soon!
I laughed so much (sorry to laugh at your expense) while reading this… you are a terrific writer. Hope Mr. Stork reads this and answers ASAP!!
Well, with these skills….
Happy SITS day!
Over from SITS to say hey!
This post is hilarious, love it!
Happy SITS Day!
Listen up, Stork!
Here from SITS,
Mary
This is such an AWESOME post. Absolutely love it. I’ve known many mommy bloggers in a similar position but this post takes the cake!
hee hee! Love it! Such a fun/funny way to tackle the topic!
Happy SITS day!
Stopping by form sits, I wish the stork would come drop something to me. LOL
Have a great sits day!!