I Get the Job Done

30 Jun

The Mother Fucking Lazy Ass StorkTo Whom It May Concern Regarding Current Stork Performance:

I am writing today to request a swift and immediate improvement in current stork performance as it pertains to the Bee Family. I have been an employee of Baby Bee Incorporated for more than two years, and I feel that my experience and skills, while increasing daily, warrant a promotion to Mother of Two and a raise in the form of an additional baby.

Throughout my tenure, I have advanced from a married woman with countless hours of free time to a typical suburban mom, counting the minutes until I have a free hour to myself to watch The Housewives of New Jersey. Despite the decrease of personal breaks, which, by the way, must be in violation of state law, my workload continues to grow.

Since I was hired two years ago, my responsibilities have grown significantly. I have managed to raise Bee somewhat successfully from an infant to a toddler and, at last count, all ten fingers and all ten toes remain intact. To date, there have been no emergency room visits and only one outbreak of butt worms.

Daily evaluations of Bee’s intellect also indicate promising results. She became proficient at spelling by 19 months and her vocabulary grows in an exponential fashion. This week, we are working on saying “I want a baby sister, you godd@mn Stork” with perfect pronunciation.

With that said, I do admit that my abilities in the cooking and cleaning departments are lacking, but I think you will find that my standards will remain static, if not improve, with a second child.

Who are we kidding? It will get worse. But no one ever died of dirty dishes on the counter, right?

There has been an obvious increase in your workload in my surrounding area so I can see how you could have possibly overlooked my delivery. I am well aware that these mothers have earned their promotions as well, but seeing the local baby increase can be quite frustrating for a consistent and well-deserving employee such as myself. Might I suggest that instead of giving everyone and their cousin a set of twins, maybe you could divide the burden among a few different mothers? Just a suggestion.

Based on the feedback that I have received, I believe that you and your manager (Mrs. Stork?) will find that I have been performing excellently as a mother. I am beyond ready to tackle the challenges of being a mother of two and look forward to the increase in duties.

I feel that this discussion is long overdue, and I hope that you will give my request some serious consideration. I fear that a lack in response from you soon could result in personal harm to yourself in the form of a duck hunting rifle to your temple. Don’t risk it, Stork. Just don’t.

In conclusion, please submit my request of a promotion immediately and remit compensation in the form of one adorable Cletus the Fetus to my womb immediately.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
Mama Bee
CEO of Parenting and Household Management

Song title: I Get the Job Done by Big Daddy Kane

90 Responses to “I Get the Job Done”

  1. Leigh September 7, 2009 at 9:08 am #

    Happy SITS day!

  2. Rhiannon September 7, 2009 at 9:15 am #

    Omg the stork can stay away from this girl :) haha this is too funny! I love it.

  3. Helene September 7, 2009 at 9:54 am #

    This is such a funny and creative post, even though that I know the subject matter itself isn’t so humorous. I experienced infertility (and secondary infertility) so I understand how frustrating it is. Hopefully the stork will stop by soon and increase your workload!!

  4. Kristin September 7, 2009 at 9:59 am #

    I hope the stork is listening!!

  5. Chaotic Kristy September 7, 2009 at 10:35 am #

    I love this post I wish I had the talent to write something like this. I’m working on my second child right now (very unexpected) so I can’t feel your pain but I hope your stork will deliver.

  6. Katrina September 7, 2009 at 10:39 am #

    I hope that you and your husband soon get your baby #2! Happy SITS day. BTW, we are trying for another baby too, so if you see that stork – send him my way too! ;)

  7. Lamonica Epps September 7, 2009 at 10:50 am #

    Cute post. I hope the stork listens to you.

    Stopping by from SITS

    http://fabulousgccandles.blogspot.com/

  8. JaelCustomDesigns September 7, 2009 at 10:52 am #

    Happy SITS Day! Your letter to the stork is priceless!

  9. So Not Mom-a-licious September 7, 2009 at 11:11 am #

    This is great! I love it and want to plaster it all over the blogosphere. I think I may need to get ready to start righting my recommendation letter soon myself!

  10. Roxy September 7, 2009 at 11:35 am #

    I absolutely love it! What a unique approach. If it were up to me, your request would be granted!

    Happy SITS day!

  11. Amanda September 7, 2009 at 12:07 pm #

    lol hope the stork was listening!

  12. Andrea September 7, 2009 at 12:25 pm #

    What an imaginative post!
    Maybe you should look in the cabbage patch too?

  13. Jannabee September 7, 2009 at 12:36 pm #

    From one Bee to another Bee-
    This butt worms post sounds really interesting, I think I am going to have to check it out!
    Happy SITS day!

  14. Mom of Three September 7, 2009 at 1:03 pm #

    Loved your post! Stopping by from SITS – happy FB day!

  15. Kerri September 7, 2009 at 1:46 pm #

    Happy SITS day!!

  16. LinLori September 7, 2009 at 2:03 pm #

    Ohh, man. The worms thing? Sealed the deal. Hilarious. Love your writing, and happy SITS day!

  17. Kristen September 7, 2009 at 2:10 pm #

    I love it. Good luck with advancement in your career.

  18. Missy September 7, 2009 at 2:45 pm #

    Happy SITS day!
    Good luck getting that stork to listen.

  19. Texan Mama September 7, 2009 at 3:15 pm #

    Happy SITS day, SITStah.

    I hope everything works out for you. Be careful what you wish for…

    You may get triplets. There, now I’ve said it. So you’re definitely getting triplets.

  20. Kim @ Fist Full of Dandelions September 7, 2009 at 3:20 pm #

    Cute letter! I hope the Stork listens. I may be writing a similar letter to the Stork soon!

  21. Akilah September 7, 2009 at 3:32 pm #

    Hi http://www.greedygirlsguide.com checking in from SITS

    Happy SITS day

  22. Over Thirty Mommy September 7, 2009 at 4:43 pm #

    Too funny! Love that letter! I got my raise to first time mom in January.

  23. JennyMac September 7, 2009 at 4:51 pm #

    SO funny. I hope the stork is ALL ears.

  24. Nicole September 7, 2009 at 6:21 pm #

    Too Funny!!! Stopped by from SITS! Hope the stork delivers soon!!! :)

  25. The Mom @ Babes in Hairland September 7, 2009 at 6:50 pm #

    Ah – love how you put it right out there! Good luck w/everything & I hope the Stork listens sooner than later! :) Have a great day as FB@ SITS

  26. Kim's Korner September 7, 2009 at 7:50 pm #

    I’ve heard, due to the economy, the stork trade has suffered extreme layoffs, and with the increase in workload, those still flying are about 6-9mo behind in their deliveries.

    Cletus will be here soon!

    Keep the faith, and humour!

  27. Unknown Mami September 7, 2009 at 7:57 pm #

    Damn Stork! Great post, very witty.

  28. Rita September 7, 2009 at 10:38 pm #

    Good luck with Cletus! Cute post!

  29. La Belle Mere September 8, 2009 at 1:34 am #

    Hey, Happy SITS day! Sorry I’m a day late!!!

    Good luck with Cletus…

    LBM xx

  30. Joy September 8, 2009 at 4:27 am #

    I hope you can get some stork wrangling done very very soon!

    Happy belated SITS day!

  31. Zeemaid September 8, 2009 at 7:44 pm #

    Hope you get a visit from the stork very soon. Great post.

    Happy SITS day! (yes I’m a little late) ;0

  32. Sarah September 8, 2009 at 9:41 pm #

    This post is great! Happy SITS day!

  33. Charmaine September 9, 2009 at 11:34 am #

    haha! Good luck with that!

  34. Jessica September 9, 2009 at 1:43 pm #

    Good Luck! Happy SITS! Sorry so late!

  35. Adrian September 9, 2009 at 3:24 pm #

    What a fun blog and a great post. Hope you get what you wish for. Infertility ain’t fun! I remember being pissed off that people could do it by accident all the time and I couldn’t do it on purpose!

  36. A H.I.T. September 11, 2009 at 8:16 am #

    If only it were that easy. Great post.

  37. Ms. Mama September 16, 2009 at 10:51 am #

    According to my records here at HQ, it appears that you are definitely over due. BUT, it also seems like a visit to your nearest acupuncturist might get you on track again.

    Sincerely,
    DMM

  38. Cindi @ Moomette's Magnificents October 25, 2009 at 1:06 pm #

    That’s just too funny! Never heard of butt worms!

    Enjoy your SITS day!

Trackbacks and Pingbacks

  1. Patiently Waiting | Mom to Bee - August 18, 2009

    [...] have give birth to their little bundles. And at least one other mommy friend just found out that the goddamn Stork will be visiting her in about 9 [...]

  2. I Was Only Joking | Mom to Bee - November 5, 2009

    [...] I get to pass a pretty little nursery every day just waiting for that goddamn Stork to drop on [...]

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