To Whom It May Concern Regarding Current Stork Performance:
I am writing today to request a swift and immediate improvement in current stork performance as it pertains to the Bee Family. I have been an employee of Baby Bee Incorporated for more than two years, and I feel that my experience and skills, while increasing daily, warrant a promotion to Mother of Two and a raise in the form of an additional baby.
Throughout my tenure, I have advanced from a married woman with countless hours of free time to a typical suburban mom, counting the minutes until I have a free hour to myself to watch The Housewives of New Jersey. Despite the decrease of personal breaks, which, by the way, must be in violation of state law, my workload continues to grow.
Since I was hired two years ago, my responsibilities have grown significantly. I have managed to raise Bee somewhat successfully from an infant to a toddler and, at last count, all ten fingers and all ten toes remain intact. To date, there have been no emergency room visits and only one outbreak of butt worms.
Daily evaluations of Bee’s intellect also indicate promising results. She became proficient at spelling by 19 months and her vocabulary grows in an exponential fashion. This week, we are working on saying “I want a baby sister, you godd@mn Stork” with perfect pronunciation.
With that said, I do admit that my abilities in the cooking and cleaning departments are lacking, but I think you will find that my standards will remain static, if not improve, with a second child.
Who are we kidding? It will get worse. But no one ever died of dirty dishes on the counter, right?
There has been an obvious increase in your workload in my surrounding area so I can see how you could have possibly overlooked my delivery. I am well aware that these mothers have earned their promotions as well, but seeing the local baby increase can be quite frustrating for a consistent and well-deserving employee such as myself. Might I suggest that instead of giving everyone and their cousin a set of twins, maybe you could divide the burden among a few different mothers? Just a suggestion.
Based on the feedback that I have received, I believe that you and your manager (Mrs. Stork?) will find that I have been performing excellently as a mother. I am beyond ready to tackle the challenges of being a mother of two and look forward to the increase in duties.
I feel that this discussion is long overdue, and I hope that you will give my request some serious consideration. I fear that a lack in response from you soon could result in personal harm to yourself in the form of a duck hunting rifle to your temple. Don’t risk it, Stork. Just don’t.
In conclusion, please submit my request of a promotion immediately and remit compensation in the form of one adorable Cletus the Fetus to my womb immediately.
Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Mama Bee
CEO of Parenting and Household Management
Song title: I Get the Job Done by Big Daddy Kane
12:46 pm on June 30th, 2009
“To date, there have been no emergency room visits and only one outbreak of butt worms.”
OMG I just spit out my water…
I love it! And I hope the stork listens.
1:10 pm on June 30th, 2009
Good luck with Mr. Stork. Mr. Stork clearly also likes delivering twins to parents in my area, while not wanting to deliver anything to me. I am concerned it is because I am at work during the day and maybe I have to sign for delivery or something. If you see him, put in a good word for me!
1:25 pm on June 30th, 2009
Good call, Lindsay! Maybe I’ll let a note on the door to just leave Cletus on the front porch. Or maybe my neighbor could sign for me…
4:56 pm on July 1st, 2009
Dropping by from sits. Following your blog. The weekend is almost here. Yay! I hope you have a fun weekend planned.
Ms Cupcake.
Zen Cupcake
9:29 pm on July 1st, 2009
I love this post! I would even take it one step farther (further? farrer?) and say that you would be an even better parent to your second child… dont you have a running list of all the things you would do to improve with the second? Or is that just me?
Oh and make sure the stork leaves Cletus in the shade, those things dont fare too well in direct sunlight.
1:23 pm on July 2nd, 2009
OMG, this is hilarious. Yet, not, you know? Good luck.
1:48 pm on July 2nd, 2009
This may be one of my favorite posts ever! Hilarious.
7:38 am on August 18th, 2009
[...] have give birth to their little bundles. And at least one other mommy friend just found out that the goddamn Stork will be visiting her in about 9 [...]
12:21 am on September 7th, 2009
Haha. Let me know if this technique works…I may have to try it myself.
12:33 am on September 7th, 2009
Stopping by from SITS! What a letter! So funny…you go get that stork girl!! Hope you catch him/or her?? lol…
1:48 am on September 7th, 2009
That’s some great writing! I have to say I know what you’re going through-it took us more than two years of trying to get pregnant with Baby Bug. Then we ended up with more than we bargained for when the stork simply circled the block and came back not even 6 months later! Now we have a 5 year old, an 18 month old and a nearly 4 month old….I want to say that I hope you are blessed as we were, but I kind of have to say “wisher beware” on that one. LoL.
2:18 am on September 7th, 2009
lol…i love it!! i hope that stork pulled through for you! happy SITS day! you deserve it!
2:18 am on September 7th, 2009
HAHAH! This is totally, awesomely hilarious and fantastically written.
There’s a stork market pun missing in there though. =)
2:35 am on September 7th, 2009
Oh this is a brilliant nit of writing! I suffered from secondary infertility, and gosh, what a bugger. Did manage to get pregnant with no two (took us a year) and the was surprised when it was no 2 AND 3.
2:46 am on September 7th, 2009
What a cute post. First time visitor here from SITS. Hope “the stork” honors your request.
2:54 am on September 7th, 2009
Haha this is funny. For us, not so much for you, we understand. But the stork will come when its the right time for you.
3:20 am on September 7th, 2009
ROTFL! Oh my gosh, that is brilliant. Stork the Dork better get busy….
Stopped by from SITS, love your blog.
Helen x
4:09 am on September 7th, 2009
Good luck!
4:09 am on September 7th, 2009
You are too funny! You should put that on your resume, too! Also, I’d like to put my name on the petition. I definitely vouch for you!
Cletus the fetus…….I LOL’d!
4:12 am on September 7th, 2009
this is a great post. loved it!!!
4:13 am on September 7th, 2009
I’m so glad you’re featured on SITS today, happy SITS day! This post is hilarious, I’m totally passing it around to my friends. I hope the stork shapes up and gives you the promotion you (clearly) deserve!
TY
4:29 am on September 7th, 2009
Oh my goodness I think a little bit of pee came out – that was hilarious (as well and a little bit heart wrenching).
Hope the Stork makes your delivery soon
Congrats on your SITS day!
5:14 am on September 7th, 2009
I love this! Stopping in from SiTS!
5:16 am on September 7th, 2009
Happy SITS day, what a fantastically crafted letter!
5:30 am on September 7th, 2009
Hysterical!!! I hope you get your “promotion” very soon too!
5:42 am on September 7th, 2009
LOL…What a clever way to put it!!! You are fabulous!!! Love a fellow SITStah!!! 80) Keep up the fantastic work!
5:43 am on September 7th, 2009
Now THAT is HILARIOUS!
Happy SITS Day!
5:43 am on September 7th, 2009
Cute post.
Hope the stork promoted you.
5:47 am on September 7th, 2009
Congrats on your SITS day!
You are hilarious! Butt worms…I can’t decide if I should click on the link or not.
6:00 am on September 7th, 2009
Awesome writing! Hopefully Cletus arrives speedily!
6:01 am on September 7th, 2009
Very funny! Dropping in from SITS…have a great day!
6:01 am on September 7th, 2009
Great post…visiting from SITS! Hopefully Cletus gets there ASAP
6:08 am on September 7th, 2009
LOL! Happy SITS Day!
6:32 am on September 7th, 2009
How funny! I can see you haven’t lost your sense of humor.
Stopping by from SITS!
6:40 am on September 7th, 2009
Nicely put! I hope the Storks take heed and grant your request soon! =)
6:42 am on September 7th, 2009
Great Letter! I hope your request is fulfilled soon!
As for the dishes…get a Sister-Wife like I did.
6:45 am on September 7th, 2009
OMG – this made me laugh! Love your sense of humor!
7:03 am on September 7th, 2009
This is so clever…love it! I hope you get that promotion! Stopping by from SITS. Happy FB day!
7:42 am on September 7th, 2009
Not a mom yet, but my sisters are and I’ve witnessed a lot of that! Lots of luck!
7:45 am on September 7th, 2009
Good luck!
7:47 am on September 7th, 2009
Love this! Always good to have a sense of humor about things.
Happy SITS day!
7:55 am on September 7th, 2009
Stopping by from SITS. Great post! Very funny.
Not sure if you are still TTC or already preggo but I would recommend the book “Taking Charge of Your Fertility” by Toni Weschler. Very informative for TTC and natural birth control. I found it at my local library. Best of luck!
7:58 am on September 7th, 2009
I hope the stork brings a baby to you soon!
8:02 am on September 7th, 2009
I laughed so much (sorry to laugh at your expense) while reading this… you are a terrific writer. Hope Mr. Stork reads this and answers ASAP!!
8:24 am on September 7th, 2009
Well, with these skills….
Happy SITS day!
8:34 am on September 7th, 2009
Over from SITS to say hey!
This post is hilarious, love it!
8:43 am on September 7th, 2009
Happy SITS Day!
8:43 am on September 7th, 2009
Listen up, Stork!
Here from SITS,
Mary
8:51 am on September 7th, 2009
This is such an AWESOME post. Absolutely love it. I’ve known many mommy bloggers in a similar position but this post takes the cake!
8:55 am on September 7th, 2009
hee hee! Love it! Such a fun/funny way to tackle the topic!
Happy SITS day!
8:58 am on September 7th, 2009
Stopping by form sits, I wish the stork would come drop something to me. LOL
Have a great sits day!!
9:08 am on September 7th, 2009
Happy SITS day!
9:15 am on September 7th, 2009
Omg the stork can stay away from this girl
haha this is too funny! I love it.
9:54 am on September 7th, 2009
This is such a funny and creative post, even though that I know the subject matter itself isn’t so humorous. I experienced infertility (and secondary infertility) so I understand how frustrating it is. Hopefully the stork will stop by soon and increase your workload!!
9:59 am on September 7th, 2009
I hope the stork is listening!!
10:35 am on September 7th, 2009
I love this post I wish I had the talent to write something like this. I’m working on my second child right now (very unexpected) so I can’t feel your pain but I hope your stork will deliver.
10:39 am on September 7th, 2009
I hope that you and your husband soon get your baby #2! Happy SITS day. BTW, we are trying for another baby too, so if you see that stork – send him my way too!
10:50 am on September 7th, 2009
Cute post. I hope the stork listens to you.
Stopping by from SITS
http://fabulousgccandles.blogspot.com/
10:52 am on September 7th, 2009
Happy SITS Day! Your letter to the stork is priceless!
11:11 am on September 7th, 2009
This is great! I love it and want to plaster it all over the blogosphere. I think I may need to get ready to start righting my recommendation letter soon myself!
11:35 am on September 7th, 2009
I absolutely love it! What a unique approach. If it were up to me, your request would be granted!
Happy SITS day!
12:07 pm on September 7th, 2009
lol hope the stork was listening!
12:25 pm on September 7th, 2009
What an imaginative post!
Maybe you should look in the cabbage patch too?
12:36 pm on September 7th, 2009
From one Bee to another Bee-
This butt worms post sounds really interesting, I think I am going to have to check it out!
Happy SITS day!
1:03 pm on September 7th, 2009
Loved your post! Stopping by from SITS – happy FB day!
1:46 pm on September 7th, 2009
Happy SITS day!!
2:03 pm on September 7th, 2009
Ohh, man. The worms thing? Sealed the deal. Hilarious. Love your writing, and happy SITS day!
2:10 pm on September 7th, 2009
I love it. Good luck with advancement in your career.
2:45 pm on September 7th, 2009
Happy SITS day!
Good luck getting that stork to listen.
3:15 pm on September 7th, 2009
Happy SITS day, SITStah.
I hope everything works out for you. Be careful what you wish for…
You may get triplets. There, now I’ve said it. So you’re definitely getting triplets.
3:20 pm on September 7th, 2009
Cute letter! I hope the Stork listens. I may be writing a similar letter to the Stork soon!
3:32 pm on September 7th, 2009
Hi http://www.greedygirlsguide.com checking in from SITS
Happy SITS day
4:43 pm on September 7th, 2009
Too funny! Love that letter! I got my raise to first time mom in January.
4:51 pm on September 7th, 2009
SO funny. I hope the stork is ALL ears.
6:21 pm on September 7th, 2009
Too Funny!!! Stopped by from SITS! Hope the stork delivers soon!!!
6:50 pm on September 7th, 2009
Ah – love how you put it right out there! Good luck w/everything & I hope the Stork listens sooner than later!
Have a great day as FB@ SITS
7:50 pm on September 7th, 2009
I’ve heard, due to the economy, the stork trade has suffered extreme layoffs, and with the increase in workload, those still flying are about 6-9mo behind in their deliveries.
Cletus will be here soon!
Keep the faith, and humour!
7:57 pm on September 7th, 2009
Damn Stork! Great post, very witty.
10:38 pm on September 7th, 2009
Good luck with Cletus! Cute post!
1:34 am on September 8th, 2009
Hey, Happy SITS day! Sorry I’m a day late!!!
Good luck with Cletus…
LBM xx
4:27 am on September 8th, 2009
I hope you can get some stork wrangling done very very soon!
Happy belated SITS day!
7:44 pm on September 8th, 2009
Hope you get a visit from the stork very soon. Great post.
Happy SITS day! (yes I’m a little late) ;0
9:41 pm on September 8th, 2009
This post is great! Happy SITS day!
11:34 am on September 9th, 2009
haha! Good luck with that!
1:43 pm on September 9th, 2009
Good Luck! Happy SITS! Sorry so late!
3:24 pm on September 9th, 2009
What a fun blog and a great post. Hope you get what you wish for. Infertility ain’t fun! I remember being pissed off that people could do it by accident all the time and I couldn’t do it on purpose!
8:16 am on September 11th, 2009
If only it were that easy. Great post.
10:51 am on September 16th, 2009
According to my records here at HQ, it appears that you are definitely over due. BUT, it also seems like a visit to your nearest acupuncturist might get you on track again.
Sincerely,
DMM
1:06 pm on October 25th, 2009
That’s just too funny! Never heard of butt worms!
Enjoy your SITS day!
4:54 pm on November 5th, 2009
[...] I get to pass a pretty little nursery every day just waiting for that goddamn Stork to drop on [...]