“I don’t really give a shit what he puts on his hot dog…”

Alright Ladies and Gentleman! I finally got off my lazy butt (or got back on it, I suppose) and got around to writing my first Bachelorette Recap! I hope to keep this up every week (hopefully before next week’s episode airs! ha!). I’ll probably post my weekly recaps at my television blog TiVo Junkie, but I’ll remind you when there is a new one to read!

*Disclaimer* I don’t know any of the Bachelors personally and my snarky ass comments are in no way intended to be personally insulting to them so don’t get your panties in a bunch. I’m just being funny okay?

As the first episode begins, the voice-over says, “Last year on The Bachelor…”

…Jillian dodged a fucking bullet is what happened! For those of you who live under a fucking rock aren’t as obsessed with television as I am, Jillian Harris, is a 29 year old from Vancouver, BC. She was third runner up on last season’s Bachelor with that scoundrel, Jason Mesnick. Jillian is super bubbly and great and, okay, seriously, isn’t her hair ridiculously amazing?! Sadly(?), one of the questions I asked Jason at the infamous fundraiser was if Jillian’s hair was really that incredible. Jason said “yes.” But given a few minutes, I’m sure he would’ve flip-flopped and said “no.” *zing!*

To be honest, I am a little disappointed that Jillian is the Bachelorette this season. Don’t get me wrong, I think she is super awesome. I would totally be her BFF. But I think she deserves better than some weird reality television relationship that will (most likely) end in a failed, 6-month long relationship after the show ends.

And I will be really disappointed if Jill ends up having an inner-douche like our friend Jason.

Speaking of Jason, let’s take a minute to meet our boring lovely bachelors:

Kiptyn, 31, Encinitas, Business development
Jason-esque in looks, but does he have more to bring to the table?

Michael, 25, NY, teaches breakdancing in East harlem
What a fucking tool with the break dancing. “Like wow! You know what I mean?” but, somehow, he seems to have made a good first impression on Jillian.

Julien, 34, San Diego, Restaurateur
His bio has him driving a Lamborghini – now the question is: is it really his?

Steve, 30, NY, lawyer
What can I say? The guy is hilarious and I love him! I’m placing bets that he could be the next Bachelor… “Thanks for going to all this trouble for me…” Seriously, LOVE HIM!

Juan, 35, LA, General contractor
According to his mom he is good looking and smart. I’m guessing that might be about it. With a mom who is already demanding grandkids and Jillian’s future job already chosen for her, I’m guessing this guy might be a little too straight-laced for Jill.

Mark, 26, Denver, pizza entrepreneur
I have to say that his pizza topping theory was pretty cute.

Kyle, 26, Brooklyn, Graphic designer
“Why is jillian going to fall in love with me? ‘Cause I look good, cuz I smell good, cuz I make love good…” Uh yeah, keep trying buddy. And try the correct door next time…

Sasha, 27, oil and gas consultant, Texas
He can be my “oil man” any day.

Wes, 32, Austin, musician
Had a #1 song in mexico. Nicknamed “the rooster”. ‘Nuf said.

Greg (aka: Bilbro?), fitness model, 31, Scottsdale
Wins douchebag award for (1) referring to himself in first person, (2) nicknaming himself, and (3) using said nickname as a 10 in a hotness scale. And “hug it out?” What a fucking ‘tard.

Jake, 31, Dallas, commercial pilot
Hawt. Uniform. Hawt. Wants to married his best friend. Hawt. Considers himself a hopeful romantic. Hawt. ‘nuf said. *sigh* Okay, really though. When he stepped out of the limo, I just went “yum” and from the look on her face, I’m pretty sure Jillian did too!

Tanner F, 28, Kansas, Sales Rep
Ew. Not a fan. Something about his hair or the green shirt or the serial rapist face just doesn’t do it for me.

John P, 29, Marketing Specialist, CT
*super yawn*

Bryan, 28, High school coach, OK
“swept her” off her feet. *yawn* so original…

Brian, 32, IT consultant, Atlanta
I’m gonna fall asleep soon.

David, 27, trucking contractor, Dayton, OH
Totally clammed up and forgot what he was going to say. Can you say AAAAAwkward…But wowzas! He won the first impression rose!! Who saw that coming?!

Robby, 25, Bartender, Texas
Going to make her his VIP drink later…don’t think he ever did, though.

John H, 27, branding consultant, Boise
Close talker, um super fucking creepy, might even top Tanner F. Oh yeah, and Mr. Close Talker, let’s not bring up Jason in your first one-on-one time. But I guess “being yourself around” Jillian means being fuckin’ creepy?

Brad, 27, Financial Advisor, Chicago
Wants to show his “best side”. Cheesy but more memorable than most of the guys

Mathue, 26, Personal Trainer, Kansas
Was pretty original with his cowboy hat with country signatures that he had Jillian sign, but kind of forgettable.

Simon, 26, soccer coach, England
Simon is approximately 85 feet taller than Jill and I told Mr. Bee that the accent would take him a long way, until I saw his face…is that too mean? Sorry dude, but Ouch! Did it hurt falling out of the ugly tree and hitting all the branches on the way down?

Jesse, 27, wine maker, Carmel Valley, California

Adam, 27, Olympic Cyclist, Long beach, California
Demanded first five minutes of alone time with Jillian. Yeah, good luck with that.

Caleb, 27, Photographer, Nashville
His hair is a little David Cook-esque and makes me throw up in my mouth a little.

Josh, 25, Lifeguards, Newport Beach, California

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Am I the only one that thinks that these guys are really not that impressive? I mean besides hilarious Stephen and Sexy Pilot Man, do these guys have anything to give besides the occasional dance-off?

And seriously, a break-dance-off? Really?! Bilbro really need to chill out.

And then, if things couldn’t get more…*yawn* oh, sorry, what was I typing? Oh yeah, then they sent out five more “contestants.”

But these guys are really gonna bring something big to the table, right? Let’s meet them:

Ed, 29, Technology Consultant, Chicago
I’m liking this guy so far…You’d think that he would’ve put a little effort in to learning something about Jill (apart from his mom’s input) before coming on the show.

Reid, 30, Realtor, Philadelphia

Mike, 28, Baseball camp owner, NY
“Great catch” opening remarks. Cheesy, but memorable!

Tanner P, 30, Financial Analyst, Dallas
The infamous foot guy. Oh my fucking god. What is this guy’s deal with feet?! So this dude’s recipe for the “perfect foot” is (seriously): high arches, painted toenails, no dirt, no toe jam, no cracked soles, no corns… OMG, it is really disturbing watching him molest her feet with his eyes! Hole. E. Crap.

Mr. X, 85, Drug Dealer, Albuquerque
Apparently, there was a fifth “new” guy that came out but, for the life of me, I can’t figure out who he is. I figured that since every one else is so sweet baby jesus boring, I’d give Mr. X some, let’s say, interesting personal details…

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Thank god almighty, the small talk time ended quickly and we got to see Jill crush the reality show dreams of ten guys.

I have to be honest, though.

I could not handle the Chris lounge chair recap and I had to “bloop bloop”.

Okay, the boys who made the cut are:
Jake (yeah, buddy!)
Jesse (uh, who is that dude?)
Wes (please wash your hair for tonight’s episode)
Mathue (I think he’s on the ‘roids)
Michael (weeeeeird)
Robert (seriously, did he just sneak in? Never seen him before in my life)
Ed (totally adorable, hope he’s not a douche)
Reid (nice hair – oh, that was sarcastic btw)
Simon (told you, it’s all about the accent ’cause that dude looks like Frankenstein)
Kiptyn (seems nice despite the messed up name)
Mike (Vaseline called. They’re having a shortage since you put it all in your hair)
Brian D. (how’d that guy get on the show?)
Sasha (okay, he has a chick’s name, but he’s totally cute and growing on me like an itchy itchy rash)
Julien (okay, now this will just be confusing)
Tanner P. (oh. My. God. Are you fucking kidding me?)
Mark (Nice suit. Cute dude. No complaints.)
Brad (try not to spit on Jill when she calls your name tomorrow, okay?)
Tanner M. (His green shirt gives me seizures)…

Oh my god? How many roses are left? I can’t tell! I can’t tell! Oh, wait. What? Is that Chris Harrison?! Oh thank GOD you came out of the shadows in time to tell me that there is only one rose left!!!! Jackass.

And the final rose goes to:

Please say Stephen, please say Stephen. Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Juan. Damn you, Jillian! DAMN YOU!!!!

And now let the bromantic hugs begin as the “winners” kick the non-rose dudes to the curb.

And Stephen, you are so right. She definitely does not like “awesome guys”. I mean, she did fall in love with Jason, right?