I’m Over It Now

28 Jun

Okay, first of all, yes, I totally get the irony of posting this after last Monday’s “Aren’t Babies and Pregnancy Awesome” post. But I would like to state something for the record…

I am SO over this pregnancy.

It’s hilarious to me that it’s like a switch being flipped. A really fucking evil switch in the shape of a hand flipping you off.

One day I’m all glowing and having a great ol’ time gestating and then next day I’m this close to giving myself a self-Cesarean using a dirty spork and my teeth. I want this kid out. NOW.

You see, recently I’ve backtracked in to the second trimester where I’m hungry all. the. time. But of course Cletus the Fetus is pushing directly on my stomach most days and I can fit roughly a quarter of a Wheat Thin in my tummy before I’m totally full. As you’ve probably guessed, about 30 seconds later, I’m fucking ravenous. It’s full of the Awesome.

Also, if you have seen me in person, you’d notice that unlike my pregnancy with Bee where I had a big round belly that wrapped around my entire abdomen, Cletus prefers the sticking straight out of my body method. Honestly, I really look like I have a pregnancy pillow shoved under my shirt.

And by “pregnancy pillow” I mean one of those large bouncy balls you can get out of that big cage in Target.

Because who wouldn’t put that under your shirt and go out in public, really?

This, of course, leads to all the wondrous “You are SO big!” comments, followed up by the “When are you due? Like, yesterday?! Don’t break your water on my carpet! Har har har!”

To all those people: Fuck. Off.

My doctor says I measure normally, thankyouverymuch. (Yes, I asked. I was getting a friggin’ complex, yo.)

And to add insult to, well, insults, this crazy-shaped tummy of mine is killing my back. And my hips. And my shins when I’m standing (which I try to do very little of now). I’ve also transitioned in to the pee-every-five-seconds stage, which isn’t helped by my insatiable thirst. I’m pretty sure that this kid is half kangaroo (with all the jumping and punching), half fish (with me drinking roughly 850 million gallons of any liquid I can get my hands on), and half asshole (again, with the punching). Is it too soon to file domestic violence charges on this kid? Seriously.

With the lack of sleep, due to the hips that feel like they are on fire and the urinary tract that feels like it’s going to burst when I stand up and gravity is working against me, I told Mr. Bee the other day that I’d much rather have a newborn at this stage! I know I’d have to stay up longer in the middle of the night, but at least those few precious hours of sleep in between would be comfortable.

Because if I have to sleep with one more pillow between my legs, arms, back, neck, etc., someone’s gonna get smothered.

Song title: I’m Over It Now by Marvin Winans

2 Responses to “I’m Over It Now”

  1. Mira June 28, 2010 at 11:16 am #

    I found my second pregnancy far more uncomfortable than my first, and my first was triplets. Imagine that. I think the body is just all screwed up the first time around and so the second one hurts more. Overall though, pregnancy just sucks period. Good luck working your way through it…

  2. Pearl Wisdom June 30, 2010 at 9:07 am #

    Girl, you know how ginourmous I was just a few weeks ago, so I totally feel you on this. I was pretty much miserable for the last 6 weeks of my pregnancy and doing anything and everything (nothing really works btw) by week 37 to try to get this baby to come out. My second pregnancy was WAY harder than my first as well and having a newborn has been about 1000 times more comfortable and pleasant than those last 6 weeks of pregnancy. So… there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And it’s not just that light that they are aiming at your butt-gina.

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