“Here, let me take the whip.”

20 Feb

Flirting in Florida
Super squinty Lindzi opens week eight with Ben in Washington. Because she lives in Bellevue, right?

Nope, we’re in Florida. With spurs on. And horses with Mohawks.

And discussing walls coming down. Emotional walls, we’re not talking Berlin, people.

I would recap more, but let’s be honest, all the conversations at this point are pretty unremarkable and repetitive.

“I’m ready to get married.”

“I never thought I’d go in to this dating show and actually want to date someone.”

“It was so hard for me after (fill in the blank). I never thought I’d be ready to love again.”

Tense Times in Tennessee

After Lindzi’s hometown, Ben travels to Bible Belt Ville to meet Casey’s family. However, once Ben, the winemaker, learns that Casey’s dad, the probation officer, doesn’t drink…the nerves are rattled.

Casey admits to her sister that (1) she wants to marry Ben and (2) doesn’t think there is a chance in hell that her parents are going to be accepting because they are total squares.

And, wow, was Casey right. Her parents total fucked that over for her. Casey told her dad that she would say yes if Ben asked her today to marry her. Casey’s dad response is “I would tell him no if he asked for my approval.”

I’m going to start writing hate mail to Casey’s parents as soon as this episode is over. I hope Ben doesn’t let Casey’s douchey parents sway him from how he feels for perfect Casey!

Tonsil Hockey in Texas
Nicki welcomes Ben to Fort Worth and the couple begin the hometown date by shopping at Elmer Fudd’s Bootatorium. After some tonsil hockey in the park, the couple head to Nicki’s house, which looks exactly like Casey’s family. Is this some Southern thing? The short, military-esque white hair on the dads with spiky, too short hair on mom?

And what a sleeper Nicki has been?! This whole season I’ve been wondering what the hell Ben has seen in Nicki, but what a sweetheart! Totally like her after this week.

Psychosis in Scottsdale
Courtney cuts to the chase in Arizona and the couple get right to lunch with the folks. I quickly notice that Courtney’s mom is VERY similar to Courtney, even to the point of doing the same facial expression and should shrugs. To the camera, Courtney’s mom said that she doesn’t buy Courtney’s expression of love for Ben. I’m guessing because she realizes that her daughter is a sociopath.

Soon, my ears are bleeding with all the baby talk coming from Courtney and her anorexic mother. Seriously, people. SO annoying.

Ben and Courtney decide to talk a walk after lunch and Courtney leads Ben towards…a park…set up for a wedding ceremony.

Of course. Because what else would a budding actress/psychopath do to show someone how they feel about them.

And, yes, Courtney pulls out notebooks for vows, a bow tie for Ben and…an officiant. Holy fuck balls.

So then they exchange vows. And rings. And Courtney says that she’s in love with Ben.

Puke.

I bet a trillion dollars that the first thing Courtney says to the other girls when she sees them next is “Ben and I got (fake) married!”

Contemplating with Chris
For like the first time this season, we get to see some behind-the-scenes with our beloved host, Chris Harrison. Despite getting really excited for this confessional time, really we just got a recap of the last hour and a half.

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn.

And the roses go to…

…Courtney.

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!

…Lindzi.

…and…

Please be Casey please be Casey please be Casey…

…Nicki.

Parents, please remove your children from the room.

MOTHER FUCKING ASSHOLE DOUCHE BAG WHORE LOVING SON OF A BITCH!!!

Who has two thumbs and hates Ben’s guts now?

::THIS GIRL::

This week’s lesson: Ben is at idiot and Courtney is still a dirty whore.

Next week: the party starts in Switzerland and someone comes back to freak out Ben.

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