Heartbreak Hotel

3 Mar

My Open Letter to Jason Mesnick of ABC’s The Bachelor

jasonmesnick2Dear ex-BFF Jason,

Wow. Rough night, huh? Where do I even begin?

I guess I should maybe first address Melissa, my favorite “contestant” this season. I don’t care if she’s Dr. Jekyll or Ms. Hyde, there is no way in hell that she deserved what you did to her a few weeks ago tonight. And Melissa, you are so right about the silver lining. It’s so hard to see right now, but let me tell you – I wouldn’t have even met Mr. Bee if it hadn’t have been for a super douche bag that I wasted 1 1/2 years of my life with. He treated me almost as badly as Jason has treated you, so I guess just be happy that you only wasted a few months on Jason I suppose.

Okay. Now on to you, big boy.

First you broke Molly’s heart. Then you broke Melissa’s heart. Well, you know what? You broke my heart too.

These last few months, I have stood up for the “Bachelor from Seattle” on message boards when they called you gay, or short, or a douche bag. Even tonight, in a room of skeptics, I pled for them to believe me. “He’s a really nice guy!” I insisted. “He couldn’t do that to Melissa! I’d put money on it!”

Because I should know, right? I mean I have met/socialized with you in the last month. Oh wait, am I not supposed to tell anyone about that charity fundraiser? Oops, well, I guess since you kind of turned out to be an asshole, I guess I don’t feel so bad about spilling the beans now.

And since we’re on the topic, um, could I get my $100 back? See, the thing is, I gave that money to you, to your charity, because just like Molly and Melissa, I thought you were a genuine, honest to goodness, good guy. I bragged to my friends about meeting you and was totally looking forward to the day that I got to blog all about my super wonderful Bachelor event.

But now?

Not so much.

Because I’m not proud of it anymore. In fact, I feel pretty duped in to giving money to your foundation. Because if you can be so ridiculously callous to someone you supposedly love, what does that say about how you’ll do business? With my money?

(and P.S. I did the math. You filmed the After The Rose Part One THREE WEEKS before I met you. So when you said you were happy and engaged, did you seriously get engaged to Molly three weeks after reconnecting with her? If so, you both are completely retarded.)

But maybe you didn’t think about that when you choose to drag Melissa, Ty, your family, and yourself (including your budding charity) through the mud. Good luck with the fund raising now, buddy.

And ABC (because I know you read Jason’s mail), what the fuck were you thinking? Sure, you got the ratings you were looking for, but us chicks? Yeah, us over here with the vaginas? WE WANT A HAPPY ENDING?! Not this bullshit.

A “normal” season of the Bachelor ends and all us Girly McVag-ersons get to have our sweet romantic story. We get to go home to our husbands and snuggle up thinking “Well, I don’t have a $50,000 diamond ring on my finger but I’m in love with my husband!”

But all this season did was break hearts all around. At 10:00 pm, we were thrilled! He picked the right girl! She couldn’t have been more adorable and the last scene of the three of them swimming, fully clothed, in the pool was cute enough to make one of my ovaries implode.

And then came the jumble fuck. Why, dear God, ABC, WHY couldn’t all of this have been done behind the scenes (aka: not filmed for my viewing displeasure?) I didn’t need to see Melissa get dumped and I certainly didn’t need to see the completely inappropriate making out between Crazy Eyes Molly and Jason right after Melissa left the set.

However, ABC, I can’t expect much from you. You are the same devil that canceled Pushing Daisies

But Jason, oh cry-every-other-minute-to-make-me-love-you-and-then-turn-out-to-be-an-asshat-Jason. I expected much, MUCH more from you.

Luckily, there is a silver lining from tonight’s episode. Instead of coming home to my husband and wishing my husband was more like you*, I thank God that he’s not.

Yours Truly (or until I change my mind at the drop of a hat),
Mama Bee

*Hey, Mr. Bee, I don’t actually wish you were more like Jason Mesnick. Obviously.
Song title: Heartbreak Hotel by Elvis Presley

11 Responses to “Heartbreak Hotel”

  1. Betts March 3, 2009 at 6:28 am #

    Baby Bee’s future boyfriends better watch out, because if they break her heart, they’re in for a big ration of sh** from you. Very well put, BTW.

  2. Daniel March 3, 2009 at 10:50 am #

    i didn’t watch but he looks so douchey

  3. Denelle March 3, 2009 at 6:29 pm #

    Thank you! It’s all I was feeling and then some.

  4. Happy Wife Happy Life March 3, 2009 at 6:51 pm #

    Hi 5, girlfriend! Well done!
    Even if Jason never reads your letter OR mine, we certainly VENTED, now didn’t we?!

    In all seriously, I feel SO sorry for little Ty… with a father like THAT self-absorbed narcissistic ASS, sweet little Ty is already behind the 8 ball, isn’t he?

    I’m sure the first Mrs. Mesnick feels vindicated after last night… now the Whole Wide WORLD knows that her ex-husband was truly the Mother Of All Jerks.

    And, as far as ABC goes, they are nothing more than pimps…. they’re laughing all the way to the bank about this whole thing, while feigning SHOCK at the “shocking, intimate nature of the finale”…
    I have no doubt that once they uncovered Jason’s serious character flaw, they capitalized on it, and encouraged him to publicly humiliate poor sweet Melissa.

    And as far as Melissa, WHEW… I hope she is thanking her lucky stars that she dodged THAT bullet….

    Anyway, EXCELLENT letter, my dear! Well done!

    -Happy Wife Happy Life

  5. the mama bird diaries March 3, 2009 at 8:04 pm #

    I don’t watch the bachelor but man, were people going crazy on Twitter and Facebook about this!

  6. Beth Nixon March 4, 2009 at 7:09 am #

    I don’t normally watch the show but got sucked into the finale for some reason.

    And, well, I couldn’t agree more with your letter.

    I just don’t get the “I had to follow my heart” crap. That is an excuse to do whatever the hell you want and hurt who ever you want in the process because your heart told you too.

    How about listening to your head and at least be respectful.

    Hurmph.

    Thanks for the letter! You said it better than I could!

  7. 3 Peas in a Pod March 4, 2009 at 8:00 am #

    Your letter was spot on. LOVED it. My sentiments exactly. I found you from Happy Wife Happy Life’s blog.

  8. The Me/ The Wife/ The Mom March 4, 2009 at 8:55 am #

    Amen! Good letter! Now that you vented…are you going to watch next season?

  9. Mama Bee March 4, 2009 at 9:11 am #

    Good Question The Me! I’m surely not one of those people who spout off about “I’m never going to watch it AGAIN!” and stomps out of the room.

    Okay, I kinda am.

    But who the fuck am I kidding? Miss Jillian, the hot dog queen? I’ll definitely tune in, but I may not be as in to it next year (although she is kind of from my ‘hood in the Pacific Northwest-ish)…

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