Golden Shower

7 Jul

Typically, when one thinks of a baby shower, you think of smelling melted candy in diapers, lots of “oooh”ing and “aaaah”ing and, well, general boredom. I mean, is anyone ever really excited to get an invitation to someone’s baby shower. Shit, I am pregnant and the idea doesn’t even sound good to me.

That is, until my crazy ass friends decided to throw me a shower in Cletus’ honor. You see, last time around, my friends had a blast planning a shower for me. While it was more traditional than not, the planning process included brainstorming of ideas such as a vaginal entrance to the party (symbolizing birth, of course) and decorating the place with penis sheep (photo coming soon! Who knew that it isn’t advisable to draw and email half penis/half sheep from work?).

So when the opportunity arose to throw me a shower for Cletus, don’t you know that my ladies jumped on the chance.

To give you an idea of the party, weeks before, when asked for a guest list, I was told that the shower may not be “all audience appropriate” (aka: you probably don’t want to invite children or your mom). Factoring in that this baby features new and fun genitalia to work with, I won’t lie: I was very excited and just a tad apprehensive.

Goddammit, I need a cocktail.

Upon arriving to the shower, I was surprised to find actual balloons and not just blown up condoms sprinkled around the house. But my disappointment wouldn’t last long…

Tastiest penises I've ever had in my mouth

Apparently my friends had a lot of fun shopping for penis decorations. When the penis cookie cutter was purchased, the clerk asked my friend, “Ooooh! Are you making cookies or jello shots??” My friend replied, “Tea sandwiches for a baby shower…?”

Cheesy peepees

Obviously, it wouldn’t be an important celebration if Guillermo, the inflatable penis (who has traveled to Mexico, Vegas, and wine tasting in Walla Walla with us), wasn’t a guest of honor. In his high chair, of course. Safety first, people.

guillermo, ready to dine

And the pièce de résistance…

THEcake

A homemade cake made by the one and only Sissy! Can you believe that she made that hospital gown (and don’t forget the tiny little penises) herself out of gum paste?! I still have the Barbie and baby sitting on my kitchen counter because I can’t bear to disassemble it! I have to say, my vag IS kind of awesome. Although, I have never looked that coiffed during labor.

But I think the best part is imagining the tray of iddy biddy penises hanging out in the back of her fridge, just waiting for her 13-, 6- or 2-year old to discover them before the party. Man, I would’ve loved to see her 13-year old boy confront her with a tray of gum paste cock-a-doodle doos! Classic!!

After dining on penis-shaped delectables, we continued to the game phase which included all of my friends horribly insulting me with how gigantic they think my belly is (seriously, people. I’m not a Biggest Loser contestant for Christ’s sake!!).

fatbelly

Later we attempted to drink 2 oz. of punch and/or vodka-laced punch out of baby bottles.

Needless to say, hilarity (and a lot of “that’s what she said”) ensued.

I think we were all surprised at the end result, which probably doesn’t say much for the ladies we thought would kill at the “sucking”.

Despite the lock-jaw and penis-cake induced sugar coma, this shower was definitely full of the Golden. But, you know, in the non-pee on you kind of way.

Song title: Golden Shower by Space Barber

7 Responses to “Golden Shower”

  1. Courtney Burnett July 7, 2010 at 2:12 pm #

    HAHAHAAA!! Best baby shower cake I’ve ever seen. “Suck it, Suck it!!” Looks like you guys had a great time. I may steal those tea-sammiches.

  2. Kristen July 7, 2010 at 2:43 pm #

    OMG that cake is awesome!!

  3. sissy2mom2bee July 7, 2010 at 5:16 pm #

    *bows* You are ever so welcome, my dear.

  4. Kim Jones July 7, 2010 at 10:34 pm #

    Reading this post and seeing your pictures made me laugh so hard I actually had tears running down my face. My husband was so curious as to what had me in hysterics that I showed the photos to him…which he too found hilarious!

  5. Arla-Shay July 8, 2010 at 8:26 am #

    FSM damn it. I can’t believe I missed that. And not just because I would have killed the sucking contest.
    I love the hostess’s baby blue house slippers. ;)

  6. Mrs. J July 8, 2010 at 9:26 pm #

    Huh…I remember all the “suck it!”s and the “that’s what she said”s but in real life I didn’t notice the obscene amount of moaning/sucking noises. Gross. lol. Super fun times. I will have you know I proudly proclaimed the baby shower intent of all penis paraphernalia I purchased. :)

  7. Amanda @ My Everday September 14, 2010 at 8:13 pm #

    This is the craziest baby shower I’ve ever seen! AWESOME!

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