You know what makes you totally feel like an alcoholic?
You know, besides drinking a ton of the alky on a regular basis.
Can I get a holla, moms??
During both pregnancies, the thing I craved the worst was just a
chug sip of some booze juice. With Bee, I craved red wine throughout the entire pregnancy and I don’t even LIKE red wine! This time around any liquid with an alcohol content was the Bella to my Edward.
(Twilight reference! Woot!)
So when Mr. Bee and I were out shopping for last minute baby supplies for Bug months ago and I saw these:
Giddy up, cowboy.
I knew for months that at some point I would definitely need to be testing my boob juice for the hooch. Little did I know that “some point” was a few weeks ago.
See, Arla-Shay finally turned 21 (muuuaaahahahahahahahahaha!) so Sissy and I thought we’d take advantage of the event to celebrate.
If by “celebrate”, I mean “get totally fucking wasted on moonshine.”
And wasted we did get.
Did I mention that despite having been friends for going on eleven years now (holy shit balls!), Arla and I had NEVER gone out drinking together before?
When we met, I was a wee young lass. A wee young lass that, for whatever reason, was adamant that drinking underage was not for me. Go me! By the time I was legal, we lived a college campus apart, which to our lazy asses was apparently too far to cross in order to hang out. Once we reconnected years later, one and/or both of us have been too pregnant to drink. Meow meow.
So yes, there was some drinking the other night.
Let’s just say that some people might have thrown up. Some people also might have suffered excruciating hangovers that left them feeling like they had (and I’m quoting here) “twenty headaches simultaneously.”
But not me, young Padawan.
(Star Wars reference. Double woot!)
Which was awesome, but also left me suffering from some serious survivor guilt. But yay for no puke, right? Because, girlfriend, I drank.
Well, okay. Here was my first drink…
And the sad part? After this HALF OF A COCKTAIL, I was druuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunk. As a skunk, people.
Three and a half Mai Tais later, I was pretending to be possessed by El Diablo in an elevator and drunk texting Arla’s husband about anal sex.
You know, pretty much just another Saturday night for me.
Once we got back to our hotel room, I used said breast milk testing strips to see if I had to pump and dump or if I would be able to save the Liquid Gold for my sweet little Bug. I’ll let you make the call…
THINGS TO NOTE:
1. The two bottom colors below the line are safe for baby. The two top colors (the darker colors) mean your breast milk is not safe for baby.
2. What does it mean when your breast milk turns the test the darkest shade of black you’ve ever seen?
3. I was so drunk that, at the time, I thought this photo was totally in focus.
Needless to say I had to dump this batch or risk the breast pump catching on fire due to the flammable fumes.
But that night was totally worth the lost Liquid Gold.
From what I remember, anyway.
Song title: Get My Drink On by Toby Keith