Family Scriptures

26 Jan

I just sat down and watched a few episodes of “17 Kids and Counting”, including “The Very Duggar Wedding” episode. Here are a few of my thoughts:

1. What

2. The

3. Fuck

No seriously, what the hell is going on with these people?! First of all, Mrs. Duggar’s baby hole must be the size of a manhole {rim shot} by now. Having so many kids is just, well, WRONG. The thought of having more than two kind of makes me throw up in my mouth a bit. Imagine having SEVENTEEN!?!?! Shit, make that EIGHTEEN now. Holy crap balls.

And those poor kids. The oldest children I’m sure never got to be that. Children. Even on the episode before the “big wedding”, the parents were commenting on how hard it was taking care of the younger kids without the older girls around.

But let’s talk weddings (my specialty):

(1) Wedding dresses with sleeves are HAWT.
Nothing says “I dress to impress” more than an ill-fitting wedding dress with sleeves. Because God hates shoulders, dontcha know? And while we’re on the topic of fashion, what’s the deal with this Anna chick being so matchy matchy? When Josh (Okay, I was seriously going to make up some random degrading name for the Groom – something like “Jim Bob” – until I realized that Jim Bob is actually the name of the Duggar dad. Really though? Geez.), Okay when Josh proposes to Anna, she and her mom are wearing matching shirts. Then, when Josh and Anna get their marriage license, they are wearing matching striped polo shirt! What is this, twin tolo?! Oh yeah, and let’s not forget that Josh proposed to her with balloons in like a T.G.I.Fridays. Keep it classy, Duggars.

(2) Spiral perms are so 1980s 2009.
Apparently the Duggar girls keep their hair long because “our dad likes long hair, so we try to keep our hair long.” Excuse me a second while I vomit up my lunch…

They also perm their hair regularly. I blame this on a prohibition of television that must have occurred after the last episode of Saved by the Bell. Jessie Spano is super rad, y’all.

(3) Saving themselves for marriage.
Okay, so up until college I was all gun-ho for the saving yourself for marriage thang. I even got irritated at women who weren’t virgins having the cajones to wear white on the wedding day. Oh yeah, I was *that* girl. But roughly 10 years later, I am somewhat older and wiser. I won’t bore you with the crude “you’d never buy a car without test driving it first, would you?” (oh wait, I just did. Sorry.) but let’s just say I’m supportive of people saving themselves for love, but maybe not marriage.

(4) Saving their FIRST KISS for marriage.
Really, though? Does this even require commentary from me?! Like you don’t have enough pressure on your wedding night if you’re a bunch of virgins; now let’s add kissing to the list. I haven’t kissed a ton of boys in my time, but I’ve kissed enough to know that you would DEFINITELY want to test drive that shit before marriage. {shudders with memories of horrific kissers in past}

(5) (Not wedding related, but oh well) Duggar Home Guidelines.
I couldn’t possibly mock all of them, but here are some of my favorites:
~ Don’t mock or put others down. (Aaaaahahahahahaha! Oh, uh, oops?)
~ Never argue, complain, or blame. (What fun is that?!)
~ Think pure thoughts (Philippians 4:8, Romans 13:14). (What do you think?)
~ Always give a good report of others. Don’t gossip! (Again, what fun is that?)
~ Amendment J.O.Y. – Put Jesus first, Others second, Yourself last. (I won’t go in to my religious beliefs but I don’t think anything good can come of putting yourself LAST! Oy, people.)

Oh my God! I almost forgot the best part! The show was sponsored by the Plan B birth control pill! Oh, the irony! AAAAAAhahahahahahahahahahahah!

Lastly, because it is completely unrelated (I’m having one of those “start 27 blog posts but never finish any of them” kind of days), I am watching NBC’s The Last Templar right now and it sucks monkey balls. Mira Sorvino chasing down a Templar Knight on a police horse in a ball gown? Are you shitting me? I swear Sorvino is the worst actress EVAR.

But Scott Foley is yummy.

Oh, and PS: Don’t be like the Duggars. They are Crazy with a capital WTF.

Song title: Family Scriptures by Mo’ Thugs

7 Responses to “Family Scriptures”

  1. donna January 26, 2009 at 4:19 pm #

    I must not watch enough TV because I had no idea these whacks had a TV show.

    Do you suppose after 17 births, she has to be careful when she sneezes for fear a kid will fall out in the grocery store?

  2. Jaci January 26, 2009 at 4:22 pm #

    I saw the home perm episode and how excited they were to save money by doing it at home instead of going to a salon….which begs the question, “Are there salons that still offer spiral perms?!?” I can imagine a stylist staring at a Duggar in her chair and saying, “Umm…geesh, I don’t know…I haven’t done one of those in over 10 years….I might still have some curlers in the back, but I don’t know…” I feel bad for those girls. They have to know that they look “different”, and it must bother them.

    I wonder if that girl made her own wedding gown? Somehow, it wouldn’t surprise me.

  3. SBC January 26, 2009 at 5:22 pm #

    Oh oh oh! Those people totally freak my shit out! Every time I see them on TV I imagine they’re like the family in the Every Sperm Is Sacred bit in Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life and she’s at home washing the dishes and a baby falls out and they’re all woop… got another one… Have we used the name Joequellafa yet?

  4. Nasinec Family January 26, 2009 at 7:27 pm #

    All I can say is GROSS.

  5. Rachael January 26, 2009 at 9:50 pm #

    I could totally go off for like an hour about those Duggars. I don’t really know what to think of them. It’s all very odd to me. I mean, I have ONE kid and I can barely handle that! Plus, OMG the trauma to your… y’know.

    Also, not kissing until you’re married? Dude, you might NEVER have good sex. EVER. IN YOUR LIFE.


  6. Guwi January 27, 2009 at 6:11 am #

    DONNA. Sneeze and a baby falls out. You’re too funny.

    Agreed on all Duggar points. And also? Scott Foley? Rrrrooowwww. My husband watched that last night, and when he was done, said, ‘there’s two hours I’ll never get back.’ THEN CHANGE THE DAMN CHANNEL, BITCH.

    But every so often I’d wake up from my coma on the couch and be like, “Scott Foley, rrrrooow…zzzzz…” He’s the only reason I will watch The Unit.

    (besides the name…heh…heh…Unit….heh…)

  7. Mrs. J January 27, 2009 at 11:03 am #

    LOL, Mama, I watched that too! I always cringed when I saw promos for their show…until I saw the commercial for the “Family Reunion with a Stop at the Evolution Museum” episode and I couldn’t stop myself from pressing record on the DVR. Sigh. Then came the engagement, then came the wedding show, and #18′s birth. And man, that first kiss was *aaaaawkward*. I think he bit part of her face off or at least broke a few of her teeth. And the vow to “let god determine the number and timing of your children”? I think my as-yet-untested babyhole just cried out in sympathy for that poor girl.

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