Face Down Ass Up – The Reckoning

17 Jul

Due to popular demand from my stalkers fans (you know, the fans that wanted me to Skype the whole process), here is the continuing saga of, well, my ass (or more accurately, my colonoscopy).

When we left our ass-tastic story, your truly was settled up on the toilet with her laptop sitting on a chair in front of her, simultaneously being entertained by Dexter, Season Three, and water shooting out of her butt.

Okay, so the explosive diarrhea wasn’t so entertaining.

By about 11 in the evening, my “explosions” had calm down enough for me to get a little bit of shut eye. Lord knows I needed my sleep for Round Two.

Oh yes, my friends. There is a SECOND DOSE.

Not only did I have to attempt to stomach more of the lemon semen juice, but I got to wake up at 5 in the morning in order to have time to drink and poo for hours before we left for the doctor’s office.

And shut up, five o’clock in the morning is early! I know some of you (I won’t name names *cough*Jamie*cough* have inhuman little beasts that wake up regularly at 5 a.m., but my devil’s spawn little angel sleeps at least until 7. She’s been known to be hog-tied in her bed sleep until 9 or 10 some mornings.

Those mornings don’t come often enough.

But I digress.

So I woke up, cheerful and ready to tackle the day…oh wait, no. That wasn’t me. I was pissed, hungry and not ready to poo for another four hours.

Somehow chugging the Devil’s Semen (trademark!) was way easier the second time around, even though I will admit that I only drank 75% of it. Even so, I got this comment on my discharge paperwork:

Proof that my ass is spectacular

So suck it, MoviPrep! I figured that if some 300-pound cheeseburger pounding linebacker would get prescribed the same amount of Shit Juice (trademark again!), then I shouldn’t have to drink the entire thing to clean out the pipes.

Butt (I know it’s getting old, I just can’t help it), in the “end” (seriously, I fucking crack {haha, I did it AGAIN!} myself up) that was the worst part.

Once we reached the doctor’s office, I was nervous, but mostly about my super hero ability to thwart the power of anesthesia. The nurse called me back and was quite possibly the nicest nurse I have ever encountered at a doctor’s office. I suppose that when your job is dealing with people who have just been through hell and are now going to have a camera shoved up their ass, it might help a bit to be friendly. And it worked!

She got me set up in a tiny curtained off area where I stripped from the waist down (bow chica wow wow) and I was pleasantly surprised when I was able to keep my tank top on (note to future patients: wear a shirt without sleeves and you’ll probably get to keep it on!). She even offered to let me keep my flip flops on, but somehow having flip flops on didn’t really scream of comfort (mentally or physically)! I’d just be that weird chick being pushed down the hallway with her flip flops on.

After the nurse got the IV going, she gave me some medicine to combat any nausea (due to my waking up and puking in the middle of IV sedation habit) and I think that helped calm me down a bit too. Well, that and the fact that I couldn’t get nervous diarrhea since I had no poo in my system.

Side note: Seriously, I can’t believe you people actually want to hear about this stuff. I really recommend a psychiatric evaluation…

Anywho (sorry, Kelcey), after a whooping five minute wait, I was wheeled back through the hallway to the procedure room. My nervous humor must have kicked in because, for some reason, I found it necessary to wave to the nurses getting out of the way of my bed like I was in a parade.

What can I say? It seemed funny at the time. Too bad I didn’t have the excuse of IV sedation yet to blame on my craziness…

Once I was in the procedure room, which was smaller than I imagined (Sissy suggested that due to my ass size, they had to reserve the extra large room for me), I was welcomed by the doctor and his assistant. By the time the doctor asked me what plans I had for the summer, I could already feel the anesthesia working it’s magic.

And let’s be honest, I’m fairly certain that I said some inappropriate things while sedated. I mean, let’s face facts: if the “average” person says embarrassing things, can you imagine what some unfiltered wacknut like me would say under the drugs? It probably went something like this:

Doctor: Okay, Mama Bee, we’re going to insert the camera now.

Mama Bee: Alright, Doc! Let’s make sure that thing goes in the right hole, okay? Heh heh.

Doctor: What we’re seeing now is…

Mama Bee: Have you ever shoved this thing up your own ass? I bet it would fucking hurt! Can I get a what what?

Doctor: Okay, maam. Let’s focus on the procedure now.

Mama Bee: Did you just call me “maam”?! If I didn’t have a camera shoved up my ass right now, I would punch you in the throat, mother fucker!

And so on and so forth.

Come on, you know I’m right.

Before I knew it, I was awake in the recovery area. No grogginess really. Just like I took a pleasant little nap. They fed me some apple juice, which I downed like a tequila shot, I was so fucking starving, and Mr. Bee took me on home to gorge on McDonalds and mini powdered donuts. I am the anti-health nut.

The rest of the day, my body took it’s time getting “back on track”. That’s a nice way of saying that I kind of had the shits until I got enough food back in my body to be on schedule.

While the results of the biopsies (taken just to check for cellular abnormalities) aren’t in yet, the overall outcome was that my ass, okay fine, my COLON, is it great shape and my unbelievable pooping issues are most likely not due to a physical ailment.

Next Chapter in Mama Bee (colon) It’s Complicated: A doctor appointment two weeks out to address my blossoming (wow, that makes it sounds lovely and not at all debilitating) anxiety disorder issues.

Waiting for two weeks with an ever-growing anxiety problem is going to be FANTASTIC. Really, I can’t wait. /end sarcasm.

Song title: Face Down Ass Up by 2 Live Crew

9 Responses to “Face Down Ass Up – The Reckoning”

  1. Erin July 17, 2009 at 6:54 pm #

    You and your ass are real troopers! Thanks for making me laugh – HARD!

  2. Betts July 17, 2009 at 6:56 pm #

    I thought reading about your ass was normal until I laughed out loud in the flip flop paragraph and my husband asked me what was so funny. “I’m reading about someone’s colonoscopy.” He looked at me like I’d lost my mind (which he does a lot). I certainly got a lot of pleasure out of your misery. Glad you got a good grade on your report card.

  3. ladydi July 18, 2009 at 8:19 am #

    Oh my, my husband and children think I am crazy when I sit and laugh hysterically at the computer (to what to them seems for no apparent reason). Thanks for affirming that for them this morning, my children now think I am certifiable. Whatever. Stopping by from SITS, I’m doing the Saturday Sharefest thing.

  4. Karyn July 18, 2009 at 2:35 pm #

    Here’s some unsolicited advise from your cousin-
    Have you tried taking dairy out of your diet yet? I know it’s probably a really obvious thing that you’ve already done but I can’t leave it unsaid. I just finished going through all of this (and more) with child #2 and some of the problems were eliminated just by not drinking any more milk.

    PS-You are hilarious!!

  5. Regina @ Margarita Bloom September 7, 2009 at 12:45 am #

    Visiting from SITS! Congrats on being featured!! and boy do you deserve it! OMG, you just made me laugh sooooo hard! I’m so happy that after you went through all that pooping you found out everything was A+! Great blog! :)

  6. Allison September 7, 2009 at 7:08 am #

    I think it’s impossible to over due the ass jokes. And anyone who writes “can I get a what what” gets my vote of funniest blog I’ve read in quite some time….THANKS

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