When I left you on Monday, I was just starting the delicious laxative prep prescription to make my bowels shiny and clean for my colonoscopy.
What I somehow failed to mentioned was that, by the time I started drinking the shit stuff, I was already is a piss poor mood.
Seriously, not eating any solid food (after a day of hardly eating anything) was almost the worst part of the entire process.
Not only did a little piece of me die inside every time I walked through the kitchen (“Why is that bagel sitting on the counter?! Doesn’t anyone realize that I can’t eat it?? MOTHER FUCKER!!!! RAAAAAAWR!!!!”), but I had a splitting headache due to the lack of caffeine and food all day.
The hunger and head pains came up second to the, yeah you guessed it, disgusting laxative drink.
So what you do first is mix two different packets of powdered death in to the gigantic one liter bottle provided. Oh and with LUKEWARM water. ‘Cause everything taste better lukewarm, right? Following the pages and pages of horror stories tips online, I quickly iced it down and began the hour-long chug.
And it was DIS-gusting.
The only thing I can compare it to is take a glass of water, add 3 cups of salt and 2 tablespoons of lemon juice. Oh and five gallons of laxative.
I amazed even myself that I was able to drink it without vomiting. My solid technique was gulping down as much as I could at one time through a straw and then, as I started gagging, I chased it with some white grape juice.
It took me two hours to get down what should have taken me one hour.
And then the action began.
To call it a “loose watery” BM is an understatement. At one point, I was pretty sure someone had snuck in and attached a hose to my colon. I pretty much became my own personal sprinkler.
Needless to say, I was on the toilet for a while. Like a my-legs-have-gone-completely-numb while.
Butt (punny!), I got to catch up on Dexter and some True Blood while on the pooper, so silver lining, right?
Song title: Face Down Ass Up by 2 Live Crew