Face Down Ass Up – the Beginning

15 Jul

When I left you on Monday, I was just starting the delicious laxative prep prescription to make my bowels shiny and clean for my colonoscopy.

What I somehow failed to mentioned was that, by the time I started drinking the shit stuff, I was already is a piss poor mood.

Seriously, not eating any solid food (after a day of hardly eating anything) was almost the worst part of the entire process.

Almost.

Not only did a little piece of me die inside every time I walked through the kitchen (“Why is that bagel sitting on the counter?! Doesn’t anyone realize that I can’t eat it?? MOTHER FUCKER!!!! RAAAAAAWR!!!!”), but I had a splitting headache due to the lack of caffeine and food all day.

The hunger and head pains came up second to the, yeah you guessed it, disgusting laxative drink.

DIS-gusting

So what you do first is mix two different packets of powdered death in to the gigantic one liter bottle provided. Oh and with LUKEWARM water. ‘Cause everything taste better lukewarm, right? Following the pages and pages of horror stories tips online, I quickly iced it down and began the hour-long chug.

And it was DIS-gusting.

The only thing I can compare it to is take a glass of water, add 3 cups of salt and 2 tablespoons of lemon juice.  Oh and five gallons of laxative.

I amazed even myself that I was able to drink it without vomiting. My solid technique was gulping down as much as I could at one time through a straw and then, as I started gagging, I chased it with some white grape juice.

It took me two hours to get down what should have taken me one hour.

And then the action began.

Mmmmmm...

To call it a “loose watery” BM is an understatement. At one point, I was pretty sure someone had snuck in and attached a hose to my colon. I pretty much became my own personal sprinkler.

Needless to say, I was on the toilet for a while. Like a my-legs-have-gone-completely-numb while.

Butt (punny!), I got to catch up on Dexter and some True Blood while on the pooper, so silver lining, right?

Tomorrow: Part Two – And The Camera Goes Up My Butt

Song title: Face Down Ass Up by 2 Live Crew

13 Responses to “Face Down Ass Up – the Beginning”

  1. gesb July 15, 2009 at 2:03 pm #

    you make me laugh, sense of humor the same as your dad. you tell it like it is..

  2. mdc July 15, 2009 at 2:07 pm #

    Oh Oh so you too have had a camera travel where no man has gone, at least in my case no man has gone…….. Well I have had the opportunity to use these colon cleansers mutltiple times. One time I took fleet, sort of like you makes you shit a fleet……….. But then I got to take two different times Go-Lightly an oxymoron to say the least. It is nothing like going lightly, it is an industrial strength colon cleanser. And I remember my ass was so sore and enflamed that it resembled a picture of a baboons ass from national geographic. Oh well once you have been violated with the drink and the procedure if you are like me you can prove to people you are not full of shit but that you are a perfect ASS. No in a negative way. I am glad your Dad shared this with me today.

  3. Donna July 15, 2009 at 2:26 pm #

    Did I miss a post where you said why on earth someone as young as you is having to go through this horrid experience?

    • Mama Bee July 15, 2009 at 2:38 pm #

      Duh, Donna. For fun!

      Kidding (of course). This post explains it a bit. Call The Doctor

  4. Lin July 15, 2009 at 3:15 pm #

    Sorry to hear that you had a runny butt but you’re right, the silver lining is catching up on Dexter & True Blood. I love those shows!

  5. Betts July 15, 2009 at 3:31 pm #

    How do you watch tv from the throne? Do you have a tv in every room in your house… and all tivo enabled?

  6. Pearl Wisdom July 15, 2009 at 5:46 pm #

    Is that product seriously called MoviPrep… as in get prepared for some movement? …or get prepared to sit on the throne and watch some movies? Someone in their product development dept needs to be fired. Or given a raise. Im not sure.

    I wonder if you have to clean your colon just so the docs dont have to deal with fishin around in your poop, or is it really necessary for the accuracy of the procedure? Things that make you go Hmmmmm……

  7. Midori July 16, 2009 at 9:51 am #

    Gurl – you seriously crack (no pun intended) me up. I’m loving this because I’m due to undergo this horrifying procedure this year myself. Reading your take on this is actually helping me overcome my anxiety…I’ve already put it off by a year because I was terrified. The part that I’m most afraid of is the anesthesia, because I’ve heard HORROR stories about what people do while they’re under – let’s just say, the anesthesia relieves you of your inhibitions, and you may SAY or DO horrifying things, things that provide the doctor and nursing staff with comedic material for years to come. Hold me. I’m so afraid.

  8. SJS July 21, 2009 at 12:19 pm #

    I too got to go the Fleet route while prepping for some Prison Love (a sigmoidoscopy). The spouse offered to help with it – I suspect so that she would have something (that she thought was funny) to regale our friends with. Nope – she was not allowed to go that route. My first colonoscopy will be next year. I can hardly contain the excitement.

  9. Amy July 27, 2009 at 1:34 pm #

    My mom had one of these a couple months ago, I didn’t believe her claims of disgusting-thing-she-must-drink, I’ll let her know you backed her up. Came over from SITS Happy SITS saturday sharefest!!

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