Exam Room

21 Apr

Monday was Bee’s 3-year Wellness Check with her pediatrician. Since most of you own have children, I don’t need to say how much I was NOT in the mood for Bee to freak the fuck out at the doctor’s office.

But I’ll say it anyway. I really wasn’t looking forward to her crying and freaking out while trying to hide in my vagina to avoid all contact with people she doesn’t know.

I’ve been warning her, I only have room in there for one kid at a time. And even Cletus is running out of room (or so it seems when he uses my abdomen and cervix as a trampoline).

So anyway, the last three years have been full of, let’s say, tumultuous doctor’s appointments. Usually she handles everything well as long as no one touches her, examines her or, you know, looks in her general direction. That’s why I have created my own personal Doctor Appointment Warning System:

warning system - it works

For example: when we got to our appointment, the first thing they wanted to do was weigh Bee on just a normal scale. We weigh Bee at home occasionally, so I wasn’t too worried. LEVEL BLUE

Next, they charted how tall she was. Again, we do this at home, but who knows if she will stand still long enough to be measured. Turns out, she did great! LEVEL BLUE

For the first time, they then sat Bee down in a chair and proceeded to strap on a blood pressure cuff. WHAT?! You people feel no need to warn parents about this shit. No way my daughter is going to buy in to your “it’s going to give your arm a hug” bullshit. LEVEL ORANGE BORDERING ON RED

Once again, shockingly, Bee was great. Turns out that she was more captivated with the cuff’s green color than what it was doing to her arm. Next goal: to find a dentist office that is entirely decorated in green.

Lastly, again for the first time, the nurse wanted to check her eye sight. She would need my help holding up that black wand-like thingy in front of Bee’s eyes and even suggested an “eye patch” (which was basically just a big bandaid) to stick on to her eye if that was easier? “Are you a fucking crack smoker?” I almost asked her. Me holding a wand thingy = LEVEL ORANGE. You putting a giant bandaid on her eyes = LEVEL RED BORDERING ON MOTHER FUCKING HOLD ON TO A PIECE OF FURNITURE ‘CAUSE THIS SHIT IS GONNA BLOW TEMPER TANTRUM

The nurse then proceeded to tell us that she would point to a line of the chart, which consisted of Vs, Hs, Os and Ts, and would give Bee this gigantic card that had V, H, O and T on it so she could point to the letters she could see.

I don’t know who was shocked more: the nurse when I told her that Bee knows her letters and doesn’t need a stupid card – she’ll just say the letter she sees, or me that it’s customary for THREE YEARS OLDS to not recognize four simple letters?

Even on our before-our-appointment questionnaire, one of the questions was “Does your child recognize at least one color?” Seriously?! ONE?! That’s all she needs to be doing to be on track?!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled to death that questions like “Can your child jump with two feet?” aren’t on the paperwork anymore because, well, she SHOULD’VE been able to do that like a year ago. But what my daughter lacks in physical coordination (of any kind), she apparently makes up for in intelligence. I hope. We’re crossing athletic scholarships off the to-do list and adding geek-tastic activities like chess club and debate!

And as far as the question “Potty Training: Does your child stay dry throughout the day and only wet sometimes at night?” I almost crossed out the YES or NO options and wrote in “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Song title: Exam Room by Hermano

2 Responses to “Exam Room”

  1. Kristen April 21, 2010 at 6:14 pm #

    Oh wow, LOVE the threat level index! Beanie is very interested at P’s appointments but we’ll see how she does at her 3yr check-up. She usually freaks out.

    And, seriously, they’re only supposed to know one color & not be able to identify letters? Crazy.

  2. Rachael April 22, 2010 at 10:37 pm #

    I was shocked when my best friend told me that a lot of the kids in her kids kindergarten class didn’t know their shapes or colors. Sam is almost 4, 1.5 years left until he’s in kindergarten, and he knows the alphabet song, can identify probably 1/2 the letters, and he knows his shapes and many colors. I mean, even if all you do is let your kid watch TV don’t they pick that stuff up? Anyhow…

    Sam used to HATE the doctor, when he was younger he had to be held down for everything, but now he is pretty good about it.

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