“Every Canadian Girl’s Dream…”

Since I missed a recap of last week’s episode, we’ll start this week with a quick rundown of last week’s events:

We started with 10 guys left in Whistler persuing our cute little Canadian koala bear.

Seriously, though. Doesn’t Jillian look like a koala bear?! It’s kind of creepy.

In general, Michael was still acting like a baby Jack Russel Terrier puppy, Jake was still ridiculously good looking, and Jillian continued to drink like a fish.

I mean, really. Did anyone notice that she is getting more and more drunk every episode? Last week, she got really touchy feeley with the guys, danced on a bar (I’m pretty sure that’s the drunk girl mating call) and told one of the Bachelors that “she couldn’t process what he was saying.” Uh, yeah, honey, that’s because you are WASTED. Try some water next time.

The big news from last week was the departure of Ed. Lovely BareNaked Ladies Ed. I guess Ed’s boss gave him some ultimatum and Ed, being sensible, chose to keep his job instead of risking everything on a possible relationship that is doomed to end approximately five seconds after the cameras turn off.

With that said, it still was a bitter ending to Ed’s time on the show*.

As the camera panned over the remaining Bachelors, I wondered “who will be Auf’d next?” Then the camera hit this dude’s face:

To be honest, I had to look up this guy’s name on the Bachelorette website because I had forgotten all about him. As he departed the Whistler estate, Mark told the producers about how his last four girlfriends have cheated on him…at this point, I think the guy is just so forgettable that maybe his girlfriends had just forgotten they were dating him?

This week’s episode opens with Jillian still a bit heartbroken over Ed. To keep her mind off of him, she is taking the remaining Bachelors across British Columbia and Alberta by train. The five Bachelors left after this elimination will take Jillian to their hometowns to meet their families.

Come ride the rails with me in a train car built for two.
Robbie and Jillian begin the first one-on-one date by, what else? Drinking. According to Jillian, Robbie is foot loose, fancy free, and a bartender, which from last week’s episode, we can tell is a plus in Jillian’s book.

Jillian takes Robbie down to her “room”/porno pad after lunch (and a few martinis). It pretty much looks like a 12 year old with a Target credit card decorated it. I mean, a day bed? Really? And how many fake polar bears needed to die to cover that bed with all that white fur. ::pukes in mouth::

After some more drinks, Jillian spills her drunken heart out and tells Robbie basically to call her up in five years because she doesn’t think he’s ready to marry her in a few weeks. Because, you know, that’s a totally realistic expectation.

So poor Robbie was dropped off in the middle of the Canadian wilderness, to surely be eaten alive by bears or maple syrup farmers or something.

Back on the train, Douche Bag Wes runs to Jillian’s rescue and comforts her back in her 1990 porno/teeny bopper train car. Obviously, Jill’s Asshat Meter is not only broken but SEVERLY malfunctioning.

Next stop: Rocky Mountain Romance
Tanner, Wes, Michael, Jesse, Jake, Kiptyn and Jillian follow up her day with Robbie by snowfallingshoeing. Jake got to sneak in a little cuddling when they regressed to toddlerhood played hide and go seek.

Side note: Jesus, Jake is gorgeous. My friends aren’t fans, but I think he is hands-down the most attractive guy there.

After Jake got some one-on-one time in the evening, Jillian sucked some serious face with Kiptyn (but who blames her, really?). Being the night of no boundaries apparently, Tanner proceeds to disrobe in order to show Jillian his underwear. Even though it was blurred by ABC, according to Jillian, Tanner’s package was “huuuge.” That was followed up by Tanner sexually molesting her feet. Seriously, I’m about to throw up in my mouth every single time Tanner begins to talk about her feet. I can not comprehend how anyone likes Tanner. I mean, he seems nice, but insanely creepy at the same time…

During Jesse’s one-on-one time, he confesses to Jillian that he is convinced that his family will 100% fall in love with her. In response, Jill just starts making out with him, but also looks a little like crying, so I don’t know how to read in to that.

While Michael cooks s’mores with Jillian, Tanner admits to the other fellas that he was the one who told Jillian that someone has a girlfriend. I, personally, think that Tanner should have manned up and told Jillian that Wes is a total douche bag. Any guy who has a problem with Tanner coming clean about what he did is totally shady in my mind!

Wes then admits to the boys that he is there for publicity and is fine leaving now with the attention he’s gotten so far or he might just stick around and “try to win the girl” too. What. A. Douche. If looks could kill, I’m pretty sure that Wes’ head would have shattered in to a million pieces.

At the end of the group date, Kiptyn got the rose and is one step closer to Jillian meeting his folks.

The day after the group date, in fear of being Auf’d, Jake had a little one-on-one time to express his love to Jillian. He was so absolutely heartfelt and basically told her that he was falling in love with her. Her reaction was a little reserved for my taste. I fear that Jake might not be staying around, even despite his expression of love.

Hitting the slopes and experiencing Jillian’s “happy place”…
The last one-on-one date went to Reid and the poor guy was just battered on the slopes but earned some points by snowboarding over skiing (something he apparently is very good at). We learned, behind the scenes with the other men, that I guess Reid is super neurotic and annoying. Sounds perfect to me!

After drinking surrounded by ice, the two of them kept the drinking up with a fondue dinner. Maybe it was too much alcohol, but Reid just starts the verbal diarrhea about how cooking raw meat in fondue is gross and on and on about all his neurosis. At one point, he even starts gabbing on about how the girls he has dated in the past have been blonde and “well, different”. Hmmm…digging yourself a hole, buddy.

Thank god, though, that she gave him the rose. The not-a-douche-bag pool of guys keeps getting smaller and smaller, so any normal (albeit wacky) guys need to stick around.

As with EVERY rose ceremony, it’s REALLY HARD (wah wah) on Jillian to eliminate another dude.

But, WAIT! As with EVERY ROSE CEREMONY (now) Jillian pulls some dudes aside to chat before making her decision. She pulled Michael aside to discuss the age difference between them (I don’t understand why there are so many guys that are so much younger than her. Shouldn’t it be the other way around?).

Finally, Jillian gets around to handing out the roses and gives them to Jesse, Wes (oh my god, really?) and Michael. So Tanner and Jake are Auf’d.

Are you serious?! Every episode, Jillian proves to be more delusional than ever. Now, I can’t blame her for cutting Tanner free, but she is definitely smoking some quality crack to let Jake go.

This show is turning in to a train wreck.

And I’m loving every minute of it.

*What did you think about the previews for the rest of the season?