Jullian started off last week’s episode by hosting a pool party for eight of the guys: Michael, Brian, Brad, Sasha, Tanner P., Wes, Ed and Mathue. While she had Michael tucked upstairs for a private moment and the other seven men were hanging out by the pool, stewing around in jealousy, Jillian grabbed her flip flops and the only date rose…and disappeared.

While the seven dudes were convinced that Michael has scored the rose already, and poor Michael was just  hanging out solo waiting for Jillian to come back, Jillian hopped in a little Mini Cooper and left the mansion! Since the boys don’t have two brain cells to rub together, Our Beloved Host, Chris Harrison, had to clue them in to the REAL first group date: a scavenger hunt to find Jillian and the winner gets dinner alone with Jill.

Of course, along the way, the boys morph in to snarky little twelve year old girls. Well, twelve year old girls dressed up like James Bond. At the first stop, the Bachelors changed in to tuxes. At the second stop, they choose one of four million-dollar necklaces to bring to Jillian.

Totally realistic date, right?

Anywho, so in the end, Brad and Wes “win” the race to Jillian. She then had to choose between the two for dinner and she choose Wes. I mean, really. Doesn’t everyone just see Brian Hackett from Wings when they look at Brad?

Okay, maybe it’s just me…

Anyway, I thought it was the clear choice (for Wes, of course), but apparently the other men have a real issue with Wes (I’m assuming they figure that “The Rooster” is only on the show for exposure). I think the musician aspect of Wes, the “bad boy who doesn’t wash his hair”-ness, is what she finds enticing. Enticing enough to get the first make-out kiss of the show (gag), the date rose (gag) AND he gets to move in to the mansion with her (uber gag).

Since Jillian was “looking for a guy who can cut loose,” she choose Jake for the solo date. Honestly, if it were me, the card would’ve just read:

Jake~
You’re fucking haaaaaaaaaaaawt. All the other men can go home now. Kthnxbei.
~Mama Bee

And they, had a great time, of course, and sucked a little face, of course (I mean, who wouldn’t?!) and, OF COURSE, he got a rose. I mean, DUH.

The second group date included Jesse, Mark, David, Mike, Simon, Kimptyn and Juan. The card said, “if you want to be with me, you have to play ball…” It was a little hilarious since (1) Jillian looks like she’s about four feet tall (not that there is anything wrong with that), (2) even I play basketball better than a few of those dudes (and I suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck) and (3) one of the dudes picked her up and dropped her. Ahahahaha!

Sorry, I meant to say that he picked her and “set her down like a gentle butterfly”. Riiiiiiight.

Although I do have to say that it’s a little irritating (and yes, pretty hysterical) how the producers egg on our testosterone-exploding men as they fight for their “prize”. To invite some Harlem Globetrotters to play basketball against?! I mean, could you imagine last season when Jason brought the girls to make the busts of themselves for charity if he had been all “oh and surprise! Here are a bunch of supermodels for me to compare your bodies to!” or something? It just would never happen!

Mostly because all those catty bitches would promptly pull each others’ hair out in chunks, but whatever.

But, with that said, it was pretty hilarious to see all those white dudes freak out when Jill walked up with a big gaggle of gigantically tall black dudes! And when Mike stripped down to a Speedo and ran out in to the ocean? Priceless! (and totally the right move for him, too! Well played, Mike. Well played.)

Sidenote #1: So what’s the deal with the Juan versus David feud? I can understand why some guys would have issue with Juan playing Jill (like he should’ve just said that he doesn’t drink or didn’t want to instead of faking the shot), but I predict that David is going to quickly dig his own grave with this whole “we should tie him to a tree and beat him” shit. Seriously? Psycho, anyone?

Sidenote #2: Now what do you, the Interwebs, think of this whole theory that there are some gay dudes (not that there’s anything wrong with that) hiding among the bunch of bachelors? I’ve definitely noticed a few, let’s say, metrosexual bachelors or maybe just a few that are a bit more feminine than ‘roid-rage David, but no one really jumps out as a full out dude-on-dude, well, dude. What do you think?

Sidenote #3: Wow. Hold up. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit when Tanner P. assaulted Jillian’s feet again. That guy needs to GO. Stat! Can you imagine if every guy just wouldn’t shut up about his sexual fetishes? Like if Sasha (for example) just kept on talking to the producers/cameras about Jillian’s boobs or something? CREEPY!!

Sidenote #4: Another huge difference that I’ve noticed between The Bachelor and The Bachelorette? Do the Bachelors ever stop drinking?!

Sidenote #5: Wes is a douchebag. The end.

Sidenote #6: David has some serious anger management problems. Did the producers slip him in hoping that he would get in to physical altercations with, well, everyone?

After all the dates and before the final rose ceremony, the boys got to hang out at cocktail hour and were given the opportunity to vote for the bachelor the disliked the most. That Bachelor, unless saved by Jillian, would go home immediately. Juan (or Ha-Wahn as Chris Harrison would say!) “won” the “we hate you the most, douchebag” contest, with David and Julien close behind. Unfortunately Jillian saved him by giving him a rose on the spot. Gag.

Thankfully, Jill cut the pack down by four and Simon, Julien, Hung-like-a-light-switch-Brian and Mathue had their reality television romance dreams ended in a lack of boutonniere (the saddest way to go, any romantic will tell ya)…