Date Bait

13 Jan

The Top Ten Dating Tips from ABC’s The Bachelor

1. Be a stalker. Nothing makes a first impression like knowing a guy’s birthday, favorite color, sibling’s names and ages, and sibling’s significant others.

2. Vision boards. Combine your love of cutting out letters from magazines (see #1) with your obsession with all things Oprah. Simply decoupage to your hearts delight and use the power of the Force to uncover the Secret of the Laws of Attraction and Power of Thought with Vision Boards and whatever. Remember: the Universe is Listening.

3. Talk about your dead husband. I know that *always* gets me in the mood for a little somethin’ somethin’.

4. Lie about your age. It doesn’t matter how much plastic surgery you’ve had to cover up your Cougar-ness. Just draw on those eyebrows and knock a decade or two off your age. You’ll do great!

5. Use non sequiturs. Keep your date on his toes with gripping conversation such as, “I speak Spanish. My name is Sharon.” or “Wanna guess how old I am?”

6. Talk a lot about your job. Especially if it is something as interesting as toe implants. Yes. Toe implants.

7. Impress your date with State knowledge. Flaunt your Idaho potatoes! I’m sure he’d love to hear all about the Mountain Bluebird (state bird), the Square Dance (state dance – yee haw!) and your state fish, which everyone knows is the Cutthroat Trout.

8. Confuse information about your date’s hometown. Stay mysterious and keep him guessing as you talk about “Pike’s Market” in Kirkland or maybe the Empire Building in Baltimore…

9. Use your best stripper name. Dominique? Treasure? Stacia? Nuf said.

10. Drink a lot. NOTHING is sexier than slurring your words and rambling nonsense. Oh, and touch your date inappropriately. That always works.

Song title: Date Bait by Dr. Feelgood

3 Responses to “Date Bait”

  1. Betts January 13, 2009 at 7:55 am #

    Thank God, I’m not dating anymore. It’s bad enough in real life, but then they stage it and televise it for us all to wince at. Can you imagine putting yourself on the show in hopes of being engaged to a virtual stranger at the end? How desperate is that? I think they’re really all actress-wanna-be’s who are hoping to be discovered instead of married.

    There I go ranting again. Funny post, by the way.

  2. Daniel January 14, 2009 at 10:35 am #

    These would probably work on me… just someone putting in any effort at all would be nice.

    … man i really need a date someday.

  3. Pearl January 15, 2009 at 10:52 am #

    Plastic surgery woman is 34? Puhhhleeeeeeez. I think the producers accidentally read the 8 as a 3.

    I think my favorite so far is the girl that got “voted off” because she said something like “thanks, bitches!” to the group. Yes, drama!

    And just because I dont have a tv doesnt mean I cant watch the bachelor, thankyouverymuch :)

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