Crazy Pills

16 Mar


I’m fat.

And tired.

And tired of being fat.

And totally unmotivated. Especially in regards to doing anything regarding the aforementioned fatness and tiredness.

Besides sleep. I’m totally motivated to sleep more.

Sure, I just had a baby, but I’m sure even you are saying to yourself, uh, you had a baby seven months ago, bitch. Get off your lazy ass already!

And I totally would. But those Cinnabons aren’t going to eat themselves, people. Priorities!

But then I had what I believe Oprah calls an “Oh my fucking god” moment. (She’s call them that, right?)

My crazy pills.

You see, I pretty much started my crazy pills (aka: Lexapro) (aka: non-shit-spewing pills) right when I was getting pregnant with Bug. So all those super fun side effects of anti-anxiety/depression meds like being tired, gaining weight, eating more than Man v. Food? I just figured all those were from being preggers.

Now that I’m finally weaning Bug (for many reasons, one of which is that he has decided that nipples are toys and attempts to rip them off with his talons/nails after eating. I have cuts on both bewbie buttons to prove it.), I’m thinking maybe some of these symptoms AREN’T baby related.

Like, prior to hopping on the crazy pill train, I was one of those girls that grazes all day long. But my grazing was a little bit at a time. Sit me down in front of a pizza and I’m eating one, maybe two pieces max.


Shiiiiiiit. I could easily polish off a half of a pizza before having to tell myself to stop. I never feel full.

And now that Bug is sleeping through the night, you’d think I’d catch up on all that sleep I’ve missed in the last year. Oooooooh no. I could easily spend each and every day sleeping.

And eating Cinnabons.

So the next few weeks, my goal is to throw myself off this weight-gaining crazy pill train and climb my hobo ass in to a new boxcar on the crazy train named Wellbutrin (plus Buspar). The first obstacle is convincing my drug dealer crazy pill provider to prescribe me said magical pills.

Strategy #1
Arrive at the doctor’s office wearing an old bikini. The shock of new body (I’m TWENTY POUNDS over my normal weight) will likely cause the occupants of the building to throw their prescription pads at me while attempting the carve their eyeballs out with rusty sporks.

In my fantasy world, sporks are made of metal, not plastic, okay?

Strategy #2
Beg. Plead. Sob. Beg some more.

Strategy #3
Beg on my knees while wearing the old bikini?

I’m too tired to come up with any more strategies. OBVIOUSLY I need new crazy pills…

Song title: Crazy Pills by Tidy Boys

6 Responses to “Crazy Pills”

  1. yourownpersonalstalker March 16, 2011 at 11:07 am #

    i am thinking that a side effect of non shit spewing pills should be that you want to eat less… hello, drug companies??!! wouldnt eating more = shitting more? just sayin.

    and i am not even on any drugs ::sad trombone for me:: and i have absolutely NO motivation to lose weight. i hate exercise. i refuse to diet. yet i still want to look like i did on my wedding day. no fuck that. like i did on my 22nd birthday. why cant this just happen automagically?!?

    now, let’s see a pic of you in that bikini!!! wut! wut!!!

    oh and ps, i know you know this, but king oprah (because “she”, puhleeeze!) never says fuck. she would make up some cutsie poo word phrase like “oh my flodonkadinka” and then meriam webster would give her a zillion dollars because she doesnt have enough money already. whore.

  2. Kristen @ Adventures in Mommyhood March 16, 2011 at 1:12 pm #

    When I was first on “crazy pills” I gained a ton of weight. After some hits and misses, I switched to Wellbutrin. It really was the only med that worked and didn’t make me feel more blah, tired, fat etc. I hope you have the same experience. GL!

  3. randomgigs March 16, 2011 at 10:17 pm #

    Be careful with Wellbutrin, some of the known side affects are really BAD and also practically immediate ( I tried it twice over the last 8 years… My doctor told me Prestiq is known to curve your appetite and not cause weight gain so you might also research that one. Just a tip :) Good luck… and please post your progress and tips..cause I am 20 pounds over weight and have NEVER had a baby!! So I need tips on losing weight and also on getting pregnant….. but thats a whole other problem…. atleast you can blame some of it on your baby :) By the way, loving your blog, can’t even count the number of times your stories have lifted my spirits!!

  4. CA March 23, 2011 at 5:16 pm #

    One word…TOPAMAX!!!

    The only happy pill where the side effect is WEIGHT LOSS! OMG – I remember when I got onto that I lost so much weight.

    Happy pill + weight loss = happy mommy!

  5. CA March 23, 2011 at 5:17 pm #

    Now that I think about it…I should probably hop back on that bandwagon since I haven’t had any happy pills since before B was born. Hmmmmm…

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