Crazy Bitch

30 Jul

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Okay, today we’re going to discuss a little dark secret of mine*.

Mom, Dad, you might want to go read The Onion or Martha Stewart or something right now.

Go ahead, we’ll wait.

{jazz musak}

Oh shit, that will just KEEP my dad around. DAMMIT!

Alright, now that we’re all comfy and cozy, I have to tell you a little story about a crazy ass bitch that road raged on me today.

[Open on a one-way two-lane-wide road climbing a hill and about to merge onto a larger road]

Here I am, coming home from today’s doctor’s appointment (more about that later), minding my own sweet business listening to talk radio (shut up) and climbing the hill that leads to my neighborhood.

As I look in my rearview mirror, I notice a shitty white car zoom out in to the next lane (that is about to merge on with MY lane in a few cars lengths) for no apparent reason besides trying to be an asshole and cut me off.

Now, there are many more cars in front of me and some that are legitimately merging in to the lane. THOSE PEOPLE, I would’ve let merge in front of me. But this stupid girl (I won’t compliment her by calling her a woman), for no reason, zooms up and tries to cut me off at the merge.

Here’s where some background on me might be useful (*This would be said deep, dark secret). It’s probably easiest said like this: Don’t fuck with me when I’m in the car. ESPECIALLY when Bee is with Grandma so I REALLY don’t have any reason to be careful. Because, while I won’t purposefully insight road rage against someone, if you cut me off or are a total dick or are speeding beyond reasonable amounts, well, first I’ll probably call 9-1-1 because I’m a total narc, but next I’ll probably try to fuck with you and thwart your evil plan of evilness (trademark!).

So when this chick tried to be a bitch and cut me off, I didn’t let her. My car is bigger and way faster so it was fairly easy and non-confrontational. She, on the other hand, didn’t think so.

Needless to say, there were a few hand gestures exchanged (only one from me – guess which one). I was actually trying to be the bigger person and didn’t try to box her in or anything when we merged on to a road giving us two additional lanes. She’ll zoom off and I’ll just smile and wave and get back to my errands.

It looked like it was going to go that way. I stayed in the slow lane as she zoomed ahead, cutting off other innocent drivers (without her blinker, of course, because if you’re gonna be a dick, I guess you just have to give it 110%). On we continued for a half mile or so, me going on my way cars and cars behind her while she drove like a douche bag.

As we approached a stoplight, I was turning right in a right-turn only and, luckily, wouldn’t have to stop next to her because AWKWARD. As I passed, she shot her car out in front of me causing me to slam on the brakes so I didn’t hit her.

Oh no you didn’t.

Now this is where a normal person would probably just yell obscenities to themselves in their head (we already know how I feel about that) and go on their way. I made the poor decision to instead cut her off (slightly, albeit) to take another route to the store I was heading towards.

That, as it turns out, was a bad idea.

So this crazy. ass. bitch. starts following me.

The trouble is: I’ve got all the time in the world, a half-tank of gas and Bee chillin’ at home with the Grandma. How do you handle such a situation?

You drive around the block, through the store parking lot, over and over.

And over.

And over.

Because the bitch just won’t go away.

I figure, I could do this all fucking day if I needed to and, luckily, she finally gave up when I decided to take a tour through the adjacent parking lot and expand our little round robin.

But seriously. WTF!

I doubled back to fill a prescription at the local drive-thru pharmacy, making sure to be sickeningly sweet to the pharmacist in case he happened to just witness the last few minutes. As I was a leaving the parking lot, a local cop car pulled in and I am just crossing my fingers that they weren’t called on my (and crazy bitch’s) behalf.

Upon arriving at home, I was so full of energy and adrenaline (not in a good way) and I just knew that I had to get this story on the blog so that I could forget about it and that you could assure me that crazy bitch isn’t going to hunt me down and deface my car in the middle of the night.

Thank god for gated communities, right?

Song title: Crazy Bitch by Buckcherry

11 Responses to “Crazy Bitch”

  1. Donna July 30, 2009 at 3:19 pm #

    I would have totally done the same thing.

    And no, I don’t think she’s going to hunt you down. You won, she obviously realized she was out-classed.

    What a bitch. Her, not you.

  2. Denelle July 30, 2009 at 3:44 pm #

    For a moment I panicked, when I heard you were going to tell a story about a crazy bitch driving I thought “Oh shit, we live in the same state and I was out driving this morning… maybe it was me”.
    Nope.
    Thank God.
    I don’t wanna tango with the big bad Mama Bee.

  3. Carrie July 30, 2009 at 4:22 pm #

    Oh my goodness- she does sound like a lunatic!

  4. Betts July 30, 2009 at 5:23 pm #

    Dontcha wish that cop car was there because she got in a minor accident or got a flat tire or something? Her bitchy karma will catch up with her eventually.

  5. Lin July 30, 2009 at 11:19 pm #

    lol…job well done. I would have done the same thing.

  6. Dad July 31, 2009 at 9:05 am #

    Nice tactic of parking lot frustration and having her decide to end the game. And why would you expect that a simple warning would keep me from reading this?

    • Mama Bee July 31, 2009 at 9:12 am #

      Dammit! I knew that jazz music would keep you around! ;)

  7. Statler August 2, 2009 at 11:19 pm #

    Insert the slow clap
    Bravo! Bravo! Bravo!
    The quote that I recite often is “Face it Girls. I’m older and I have more insurance” from Fried Green Tomotoes (with a few little choice words fitted in. or “My rig has more power to crush your puny-a** clown car. BRING. IT. ON. BITCH.” mw mw

  8. justin August 3, 2009 at 7:57 am #

    Yo, I agree that’s just messed up, but if you really wanna see crazy bitch, Check this wackjob out. Ladies out of her DAMN MIND
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I5wqjoyOLMg&feature=related

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