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Cry with a Smile

1 Oct

My 17-month old daughter almost made me cry in public today.
In fact, I’m pretty sure that one more outburst would have had me in tears. Lots of tears.

See, I was out at lunch with my closest friends at a downtown cafe when, all of a sudden, my beautiful Baby Bee turned in to something resembling this random kid from Google:

And when my somewhat typical of a luncheon turned in to a life-changing-news luncheon, instead of being a good friend, an attentive friend, I was a crabby friend. A distracted friend. A friend who smiled and tried to join in on the fun, but was crying on the inside from frustration.

Motherhood has officially made me a shitty shitty friend.

I should have seen the news coming. I should have been paying attention. But instead, I was being mortified by Baby Bee screeching her head off and having a temper tantrum on the floor. When everyone was laughing because I obviously wasn’t clued in to what was going on, I was already so frustrated at the situation that instead of “getting it”, I snapped at them, asking if I was missing some joke (or basically, was I the center of one?).

I’ve never, EVER, felt like such a crappy person and friend as I do now. I should’ve been all smiles and sunshine and puppy dogs, but instead I feel like I was a big rain cloud over the day.

I don’t blame anything or anyone for my shitty mood, but me. With that said (ha ha), since when did motherhood suck the fun and joy out of everything? Everything has gotten so difficult. It’s difficult to eat at restaurants (gotta keep that kid entertained and eating). It’s difficult to connect with your husband and your marriage (far too busy taking care of the little one and fighting about how to that). And it’s difficult to be a friend, especially when you don’t have the freedom that comes with being childless.

Maybe this is all just a side effect of little sleep, lots of stress and being a single-mom 2/3rds of the week now. Who knows? Maybe tonight I’ll take a bath, go to bed early and, maybe, hopefully, wake up smiling.

Song title: Cry with a Smile by After Forever