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Sick to My Stomach

1 Oct

Funny story.

Remember that one time, long long ago, when I said I was totally getting better.

Yeah. Um, not so much.

Apparently the shits were just scared off momentarily by the menstrual cramps.

And Keegan and Greg, you wonder why you are like the only two boys who comment/read the blog? (Please reference previous sentence.)

As a dear friend suggested, it is highly likely that my ass and my vagina have decided to gang up against me. The latest theory is that they are angry about their personal bizzle being published on the internet for everyone to read and so they are rebelling against me until I cease and desist.

But the joke’s on them, because it simply gives me more to blog about, which is more than a little disturbing for me to admit to myself.

Besides the constant use of the toilet, I don’t feel half bad. I am getting a bit dehydrated and am totally dependent on my eye drops because my contacts are getting really dried out. Yum.

The silver lining to the shits and the blindness is that I’ve officially lost about four pounds this week!

I know, I know, you aren’t really supposed to depend on bulimia a stomach bug as a reliable dieting plan, but I’m only about one and a half more viruses away from my goal weight!

I should get on the Wii Fit today just to weigh myself and tell that chubby little Mii character to fuck off.

Song title: Sick to My Stomach by Siegel-Schwall Band

Livin’ Fat

30 Jun

Ah…Sweet Validation…
First of all, tonight I’d like to thank my stalkers readers for all their comments and for completely validating my anti-douche propaganda yesterday! This morning while I watched Mr. & Mrs. Neighbor McDouchePants load a broom in to their storage container (yeah, it’s a good thing I have to park over in friggin’ Lebanon just so you can carry a 5 ounce broom twelve feet from your apartment to your storage container…f#cking douche) But where was I? Oh yes, watching them load their crap in to the pod, I couldn’t help but wonder what they thought of my, let’s say, “gift”? I’m still waiting to dish out a “You park like an idiot” card, but I’m guessing I won’t have to wait too long for that opportunity to present itself…

Wii Fridge? Mii Diet? Nintendo Wii Should Stop Eating So Much Crap v2.0?
We finally set up the Wii at the apartment (gag) and I finally made it back on the Wii Fit after almost a month away. I am happy to announce that in those 26 days away, I have lost 2.2 pounds! Not exactly my goal yet (still about 13 pounds away from that…) but I think I have come up with a genius solution.

I won’t lie. I love my Lovely Lady Friends dearly. But I have to confess: they are annoyingly svelte* and attractive. Like really? Seriously? Do I have to be the token fattie? And what’s sick is that I know I’m not “fat”. It’s just that compared to these annoying size, well, who knows what size they are in those totally cute designer jeans, I am the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. (*Don’t Google Image Search “svelte” unless you are looking for porn.)

So here’s my plan: stop all those irritating sit-ups and exercises and work harder on making THEM gain weight! Brilliant, right? We all share a love of wine, cheese and bread, so you’d think it wouldn’t be too hard. I figure I can get them all liquored up on a nice Pinot Noir and once they are good and sauced…out come the Quarter Pounders! Trade their weight loss shakes with some high protein weight gain formula and watch me get skinnier and skinnier!! Muuuaaahahahahahahahahahaha.

Feel free to adapt this plan to suit your individual group of friends. Most of my group are married or getting hitched in the next month or two, so I’ll tell them to write it off as them “letting themselves go”. It’ll happen sooner or later. How about just sooner so I can feel better about myself in a bathing suit this summer?

I’ll post updates soon. Boy, it sure is good that none of them read this blog, huh?

The moment I wake up, before I put on my makeup…
I have to just briefly share how hilarious Mr. Bee is. A few months ago, I got Baby Bee a little Cookie Monster plush doll from Las Vegas. Apparently, Mr. Bee is way too creative in the mornings and, for the last week or so, I have awoken to find Cookie is various poses and situations in the apartment. Naturally, I have found him sitting atop the fridge holding a container of cookies. But this morning was hilarious. I walked in to the living to find Cookie Monster on the steering wheel of Baby Bee’s Leap Frog Ride Along School Bus where he apparently had passed out after crashing in to (and on top of) a bunch of Baby Bee’s other toys!

I immediately emailed Mr. Bee a scandalous mug shot of the celebrity DUI:

It’s such a disappointment when our children’s role models can’t hold their liquor and crash their alphabet school buses in to innocent Stack & Smile Crocodile bystanders. Such a promising career ruined.

Song title: Livin’ Fat by Fat Joe (Da Gangsta); I Say A Little Prayer For You by Diana King

Phat Monkey

29 May

I was a bad monkey and kind of let yesterday slip as far as blogging and weigh management went. I’ll use my Birthday and the hell of yesterday as an excuse…

Calories: didn’t keep track much

Exercise: besides running around in circles trying to clean up the house, prepare dinner, and general stress, not much

Today’s Weight: 145

Song Title: Phat Monkey by Marque

Phat or Wack?

27 May

Yesterday’s calorie intake: 1614 (with a 1662 calorie goal)

Yesterday’s exercise: 30 minutes of Wii Fit Yoga

Oh yeah baby! Video games = exercise now! Sweeeeeeeet!

Today’s weight: almost 145

Song Title: Phat or Wack by The Insane Clown Posse

If French Fries Were Fat Free

26 May

Yesterday’s calorie intake: 1643 (with a 1580 calorie goal)
Damn you, McDonald’s and your tasty tasty food…

Yesterday’s exercise: None.
You’re surprised, aren’t you?

Today’s weight: The Wii Fit says 144.5! YAY!

Perfect Fit

26 May

One characteristic that Mr. Bee and I share is our complete lack of patience, especially if it has to do with gift giving. It’s very likely that I will get shaken awake at midnight on Christmas Eve/Christmas morning to open presents (since it’s technically Christmas). Whenever we give each other birthday presents, I think we both attempt to wait until the other person’s birthday, but our excitement at giving gifts always get the best of us and we always force the person to open the present early. Okay, maybe force is a little strong. Neither of us ever need much convincing before we rip in to that sparkly wrapping paper!

With my birthday only a few days away, Mr. Bee couldn’t contain himself and gave me the opportunity to open my present early! Even more impressive is the thought and effort he went in to getting it for me (apparently he went out at the crack of dawn this morning to The Store That Shall Not Be Named and scored my gift straight off of the inventory cart (it hadn’t even gotten to the shelf yet before he started harassing workers for it!).

My hubbie is AWESOME! I wanted one of these so badly! Now my weight check-ins might actually have something other than “None” in the “Exercise” category!

She’s So Heavy

25 May

Yesterday’s calorie intake: 1435 (with a 1580 calorie goal)

Yesterday’s exercise: None. Meow meow.

Today’s weight: 144-145ish

Physical

24 May

Yesterday’s calorie intake: 2023(with a 1580 calorie goal)
Today’s excuse was that last night’s dinner was at Mr. Bee’s mom in celebration of my birthday this coming week. I even saved up calories for it, but still went over my daily goal. Wah waah.

Yesterday’s exercise: None
(besides carrying around 20+ lb Baby Bee with me everywhere. That’s getting old real fast! That little booger needs to walk already!)

Today’s weight: 145-146ish.
damn scale

Baby Phat

23 May

Yesterday’s calorie intake: 1676(with a 1716 calorie goal)
…counting the calories I earned back by exercising

Yesterday’s exercise: did a 20-minute jog/run/walk on the treadmill, which totally kicked my lazy butt.
It’s sad how much I was sweating afterwards. But I did it! I finally did it. Now to go watch some TiVo…

Today’s weight: 146

Ladies Who Lunch

22 May

Best Low Calorie Lunch Yet
Homemade tuna salad on thinly sliced and toasted pieces of Panera Bread Asiago Cheese demi loaf. Taaaaaaaaaaaaasty.

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