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Viva Las Vegas

2 Apr

Good times!

Good times!

A girlfriend of mine, who is getting married this August, is having her Bachelorette party the first weekend in May.

In Las Vegas.

This Bachelorette party is destined to be chock full of drinking and debauchery, with a sprinkling of laying poolside in between events with strippers (gag). (I’m sure you’d think with all my heathen behavior I’d be all over the naked dudes, but, uh, no, thank you. Not a fan.)

In fact, the last time we were in Vegas, the Bachelorette passed out in the buffet lobby! (see photo) Seriously, there will be some GOOD stories coming out of this trip (as long as I get approval to blog about said confidential Vegas stories, of course!).

In order to prepare, I am creating a Vegas To Do List. I’m hoping to accomplish all the tasks listed before May 6th.

  • Lose 10-20 pounds.  Each and every one of the other 8 participants will be Women Without Kids, otherwise known as WWK or, in my personal dictionary, stupid bitches. JUST KIDDING LADIES!
  • Tan until I either lose my transparency or shed my top layer of skin like an Anaconda. Seriously, people. I live in the Pacific Northwest, for Christ’s sake. I think albinos are more tan than I am.
  • Find appropriate (read: inappropriate) clothes. Have a mentioned lately that I’m a MOM! I don’t have clothing appropriate for the club/bar scene!! Unless I go out and buy clothes specifically for this trip – which is what I will probably do – the best I could possibly hope for are jeans without holes in them from crawling around on the floor with Bee and a top that flows away from my muffin top, not clings to it. I will be searching non-stop for clothes that are slutty enough for Vegas, but not so slutty as to make me vomit in my mouth. It’s a delicate balance…
  • Figure out how to lose the cellulite that coats the back of my thighs. I’m tempted to cut the cottage cheese out, bottle it up, and just drop the jugs off in the dairy aisle. I swear NO ONE will no the difference.
  • Exercise “daily”. Make that, “twice daily”. Eh, maybe make that, “CONSTANTLY”. Did I mention that I will have to do approximately (and this is just an estimate) 8 billion sit-ups a day to lie poolside next to those stupid bitches, I mean, my friends?
  • Find my magical bathing suit and the chicken cutlets to “enhance” my boobage. Seriously, I will have more cutlets than Chick-fil-a and more duct tape than Home Depot keeping this ::sweeping arm movement over entire body:: from scaring the poor school children on vacation with their parents. And by “school children,” I mean drunken bachelors scoping out my friends.
  • Shave all noticeable body hair (except my hair hair, of course). Is it just me, or is it nerve-wracking trying to get rid of all the hair you need to get rid of in order to be seen in public in a bathing suit? I need to just bathe in Nair or something…
  • Continue all over beauty maintenance. For such an event, I’m sure to require a hair cut, highlights, mani and pedi, to just name a few procedures. Maybe Botox and a boob job…

My shopping has begun and I already successfully worked out once this week. Only 857 million sit-ups to do before the 6th. Why is it so difficult and time consuming to beautify one’s self?

But I can do it all in less than five weeks, right?

Viva Las Vegas by Elvis Presley