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“If you kiss her, I’ll punch you right in the face.”

1 Jul

This week, the Bachelors finally get to shrug off the heavy weight of that maple leaf flag and head on back to the States.

Pennsylvania Powwows
Jillian, donned in her Bachelorette Trademarked skinny jeans and boots, first visits Reid’s hometown of Philadelphia, PA. Is it just me or did Jillian seem drunk before she even started the date with Reid? At this point, Reid must know her well enough to make sure her latte is part coffee, part vodka.

After spending a few minutes in the city, we not-so-slickly sweep in to the ‘burbs to meet Mom, Dad, and two Brothers. Immediately everyone sits down for the we’re-going-to-pretend-this-is-normal-but-its-actually-really-uncomfortable couch chat. I love the low pressure “You can work for us and have babies immediately” strategy of Reid’s mom. Hmmm…coming on a little strong, Rhonda.

After a heart-to-heart talk with Reid’s father, I’ve completely convinced that 50-something year old Larry should be next season’s The Bachelor. No offense, Rhonda, but I am completely smitten with his “Follow your heart and jump head over heels” speech.

Apparently Reid’s stone-cold façade has been broken by Jillian’s obsession with PDA. I’m not sure if Reid’s family was impressed or just wanting him to put in back in his pants in front of Ma Maw.

Astoria Animation
Our resident Jack Russell Terrier Puppy, Michael, brings Jillian home to Astoria, NY, to meet his Mom, Dad & Twin Brother. Immediately, you can tell that hyperactivity and/or an addiction to Pixie Sticks is a family trait with every single member of the family bouncing off the walls.

Michael and his brother decide to pull a Parent Trap on Jillian and pose as his brother in order to get some questions answer without her knowing. It took Jillian literally 0.5 seconds to tell that Michael is dressed as his brother, thwarting their diabolical plan. Damn, that could’ve been good!

Michael’s Dad takes the opposite stance of Our Newest Bachelor, Larry, by warning Michael that it’s going to be rough if he doesn’t get a rose. Way to be upbeat, Dad.

While Jillian answers some typical interview questions (“What are your biggest weaknesses?” “Well I love way too much and am sometimes too wonderful…”), in comes Michael’s Sister from Australia. Michael, and the whole family, responds by jumping up and down eight million times. Seriously, is their floor built out of trampolines or something?

San Diego Self-doubt
Jillian, while meeting Kiptyn’s Mom, Dad, Stepdad, Sister, Brother and Brother’s Girlfriend, immediately begins to worry that she might not fit in to this ridiculously perfect and opulent family. Especially since they roped off the only place where Jillian feels totally comfortable: the hot tub.

Mom & Dad begin the evening by quizzing Jillian’s ability to distinguish lasagnas and wine. While talking French, of course.

Oy vey.

Kiptyn’s Mom, I’ve gotta be honest here, could possibly be bat-shit crazy. Or drunk. So hopefully the latter since then she’d get along perfectly with our Drunk-aholic Jillian. Eve told Jillian that she has to be special to be where she is…obviously she didn’t see last season Douche. Sadly, I think Jillian is more quickly devolving in to douche-baggery than Jason even did.

Carmel Courtship
I will go out on a limb and say that visiting Jessie’s Family’s Winery will be Jillian’s favorite trip of the season. While traveling across the winery by tractor, you can almost here Jillian wondering “where the fuck is the wine, Jessie?!”

Before the wine, Jillian gets to meet Mom, Dad, and Jessie’s Brother, who apparently is Billy Ray Cyrus. Well, if you doubled, maybe tripled, the asshat-ness. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with Jessie’s Brother?! How could nice, sweet Jessie be related to such a jackass like him?

And as if the foreign language speaking wasn’t enough, then the family begins a jam session in the basement. Really, though? I guess the family who plays together, stays (douchebags) together.

Austin’s Asshat
Wes, the King of the Douchebags, doesn’t waste a single minute getting airtime for his band.

What. A. Fucking. Asshole.

And the whole time, Jillian is just eating it up thinking that she is so lucky to be dating a wonderful man like Wes.

Meanwhile, our beloved beauty, Jake, has decided to visit Austin in order to protect Jillian from Wes’ manipulations. It’s about fucking time someone stood up for Jillian’s best interests.

Wes and Jillian have a heart to heart where Wes confesses that he is there for the right reason and is a very bad liar. Well, he got one of those correct. Jillian must be pretty hard up for Wes because that was some of the worst lying I’ve ever seen. And I went to law school, for Christ’s sake.

While Jillian waits for Wes to pick her up, knock knock knock! Who’s there? Jake!!!

After five minutes of teeth-pulling, Jake breaks the news to Jillian that Wes does indeed have a girlfriend.

Obviously, Jillian is crushed and says good bye to Jake in time for Wes to come knocking on her door, wanting to take her to meet his family.

As one would guess, Wes immediately denies the accusations (I even typed this sentence before watching that scene because I just *knew* he would pull that shit). Even better, Wes pretty much weaves the exact story that Jake told Jillian he would.

For ratings the truth, Jillian calls Jake down to confront Wes in person. My fists clenched just hearing some complete asshole like Wes call someone like Jake “a man of character” with sarcasm. What. An. AAAAAAAAAAAsshole.

I will give Wes one thing: he is stubborn as hell. Oh, and I’m pretty sure he might be a sociopath.

And I can’t even believe how stupid and insecure Jillian must be to not kick him to the curb IMMEDIATELY. Any respect that I still had for the alcoholic koala bear is gone. Gooooone.

The Bachelorette has officially gone from The Dating Game to The Hills.

Jillian, instead of telling Wes to fuck off, travels to meet Wes’ Mom, Stepmom, and three Sisters.

Beverly Hills Bewilderment
As if Austin didn’t hold enough surprises for us, as Jillian sits around her LA Hotel, pondering the last week’s events, knock knock knock!

It’s Ed!

*sigh* Ed. *sigh*

Man, he’s a doll! All I can say is that Jillian looked as smitten with Ed as I felt watching that scene. Will she just cut all the other guys and marry Ed already?! Jesus.

Instead of doing him on the spot (what is *wrong* with this chick?!), Jill requests that Ed attend tonight’s rose ceremony so she can ponder her upcoming decision.

Rose Ceremony Ruling
You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.

After all that drama and crying and “fool me once, shame on you” bullshit, Jillian is keeping Wes around for another week?!

I’m thinking instead of diamond ring, the Bachelor at the end should award her with a lifetime of psychologist appointments ’cause this girl has gotten some Issues. Yes, with a capital “I”.

So our pesky little puppy Michael and that other guy, Jesse, are Auf’d this week.

I have to admit, with about a gallon of shame, that I did tear up when Michael discussed how he had been falling in love with her and hadn’t even realized it until after she gave him the boot (literally. She probably had those goddamn boots on under her evening gown).

But overall, thank GAWD that Ed is back. He might be the one redeeming aspect of this season. Lord knows, I certainly have a tv crush on him.

Questions and Answers

7 Aug

A Getting To Know You Questionnaire
Man, I’m such a sucker for these things…

1. What is your occupation right now?
Wife (aka: Personal Shopper, Chef, Maid, Assistant, Professional Nag…), Mom (Chef, Chauffeur, Maid, Butt Wiper…), Wedding Coordinator Extraordinaire

2. What color are your socks right now?
Um, yeah. It’s like a billion degrees in my apartment (gag) right now. So, uh, no socks.

3. What are you listening to?
The Baby Borrowers – Lessons Learned on TiVo.

4. What was the last thing that you ate?
Tuna Sandwich from Subway. Oh yeah, classy all the way in the ‘partment tonight.

5. Can you drive a stick shift?
Of course. I think it should be the law that you learn how. Seriously. Don’t get me started…

6. Last person you spoke to on the phone?
Most likely harassing Mr. Bee to bring home dinner so I didn’t have to “cook” in the billion degree apartment (gag).

7. Do you like the person who sent this to you?
If I didn’t, this question would be *awkward*!! (but, yes, I do!)

8. How old are you today?
Old enough to vote, drink, drive a rental car but too young to retire. Sigh. If anyone knows the secret to being independently wealthy, please share! My lotto ticket(s) last week didn’t work out so well.

9. What is your favorite sport to watch?
Is watching Tivo a sport?

10. What is your favorite drink?
I’d kill for a nice cold Riesling right now.

11. Have you ever dyed your hair?

12. Favorite food?
All of it. Especially anything made of/containing sugar, chocolate, cheese and/or bread. Damn, now I’m hungry. And going to pop open that bottle of Riesling in the fridge…

13. What is the last movie you watched?
Hmmm…probably the first 2/3rds of Finding Nemo with Baby Bee the other day.

14. Favorite day of the year?
Two days before the day after tomorrow.

15. How do you vent anger?
By eating copious amount of #12.

16. What was your favorite toy as a child?
Hmmm…I really loved my Popple.

17. Day or Night?
What the hell kind of question is this? Day or Night for what?!

18. Cherries or Blueberries?
Cherries are da bomb.

19. Do you want your friends to e-mail you back?
Since I’m blogging this…uh, no.

20. Who is the most likely to respond?
See #19, retard.

21. Who is the least likely to respond?
Somebody needs a helmet…

22. Living Arrangements?
Dear god, do I really need to rehash this? Let’s just say I live with Mr. Bee and Baby Bee in a nice-ish apartment (gag).

23. When was the last time you cried?
About five minutes ago when Mrs. J made me laugh so hard at a poop joke that I cried. FSHIPAL!!

24. What is on the floor of your closet?
Clothes and shoes. Duh.

25. Who is the friend you have had the longest that is receiving this?
I think the longest friend reading this would have to be Sissy (29 years and counting).

26.What did you do last night?
Had dinner at the in-laws house.

27. How many states have you lived in?
Technically, I’ve “lived” in all the states that I have visited…

28. Favorite dog breed?
The small, cute, non-shedding, doesn’t need to be walked or maintained in any way and doesn’t poop in your yard breed. Let me know if you know which one I mean!

29. Favorite day of the week?
Saturday because I can try to bribe Mr. Bee to hang out with Bee so I can sleep in!

Song title: Questions And Answers by Biffy Clyro

The Web

28 Jul

My Most Recent Web Obsessions
I’m sure many of you already know about my recent TV crush on Neil Patrick Harris (AKA: NPH). Seriously, could he be any more charming? If he was, I’m pretty sure one of my ovaries would explode.

Any who, thanks to THE BEST RADIO PROGRAM THAT EVER LIVED for informing me of NPH’s newest endeavor, Dr. Horrible’s Sing-A-Long Blog. Dr. Horrible is a Joss Whedon creation (Whedon wrote Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, Firefly…and is fucking hysterically brilliant). As you could guess, Dr. Horrible is a comedy and…wait for it…a musical. Any Buffy fans will remember the musical episode of Buffy and start frantically searching YouTube. Well, don’t bother because all that I could find was a bunch of tore up crappy videos instead of the actual cool episode to post here on the blog. Meow.

But I digress. You can find Dr. Horrible on iTunes and it’s super fantastically rad. It’s the story of Billy (aka: Dr. Horrible) on his quest to become part of the Evil League of Evil and win the girl of his dreams. Needless to say, wacky antics ensue! Check it out!

“…and I’m wearing a hat because my hair looks stupid. Not ’cause it’s cold.”
My other most recent Internet addiction is a girl named Julia Nunes. Again, found her via THE COOLEST RADIO SHOW EVER. She sings and plays covers (and originals) on her ukulele and creates these awesome videos. She harmonizes with herself by listening to her recordings on ear phones and then edits it all together! Check her out on YouTube, she’s hysterically funny and even more ridiculously talented. Don’t believe me? Check these babies out:

This, I believe, is the video which launched her into YouTube Super Stardom!

My personal fav:

Song title: The Web by Fish

Dress You Up

25 Jul

Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Anniversary…
Yesterday Mr. Bee and I celebrated our Fourth Wedding Anniversary! We have officially been married longer than we dated!

We had a great day. Mr. Bee came home after a half-day at work and we left Bee in the closet in the dog crate in the trunk in the capable hands of Nana. We saw The Dark Knight which was great! I won’t go all blubbery about how fantastic it was because I always get let down when people go on and on about how superb a movie is and then I have way too high expectations. But it was really good! And Heath Ledger is/was amazing. There was only one point in the movie where I could even see Ledger, the actor. The whole movie he just is the Joker. Oh and Aaron Eckhart is super good too!

After the movie, we headed to the super yummy to my tummy Daniel’s Broiler. For those of you who aren’t in the Seattle area, Daniel’s is a great schmancy steakhouse and I was so excited to have a fabulous steak and great booze-ahol.

But as we stepped out of the car at the valet station, I see this:

and this:

Fer Reals?! You couldn’t hang up your polar fleece vest and slap on a blouse to eat at a restaurant on the lake at the yacht club?! And, psst, random 20-something? While I’m sure you are very proud of your athletic accomplishments, did you really need to wear your sneakers and “I ran a random marathon 2006″? Why the fuck am I wearing heels and my pretty new blouse to be surrounded by a bunch of slackers straight out of some East Coaster’s stereotype of what Pacific Northwesterners look like?!

This has got to be my number one pet peeve about the Seattle/Pacific NW area. I honestly do not think there is a schmancy restaurant in Seattle where some jack-off is not wearing a white tee-shirt, jeans and tennis shoes. Is this what we’ve become, Seattle?

Now, I’m not the fanciest chick in the room. Shit, I’m pretty sure all of my wardrobe combined maybe is worth what one (maybe two) outfits of Mrs. J’s is worth! But if I’m going to go to all the effort to shed my mom-drobe for an evening, the least the other patrons of a nice restaurant could do is leave the socks and sandals at home!! It’s not like I’m going to T.G.I.Fridays or Applebee’s, for Christ’s Sake!!

Besides being way over-dressed for the restaurant city state of Washington, we had a great time and a great dinner (and a bunch of nice freebies from the restaurant to celebrate our anniversary! YAY FREE STUFF!)

After a fabulous evening, today I’m back in my O.N. shorts and “Pale is the New Tan” graphic tee, Seattle, so don’t get your panties in a bunch. But I won’t wear socks with sandals. Ever. That shit should be federally banned. Seriously.

Song title: Dress You Up by Madonna

You Are Too Beautiful

20 Jun

Ohai! Tune in tew! ktxbai!
I know I’ve mentioned them before, but I am now officially addicted to Too Beautiful To Live - a radio program here in the Seattle area on 710 KIRO (at 7pm). I began listening to the show driving home from client meetings, which were only about 10 minutes or so from my house. So I’d really only catch snippets of the show, but I realized that I started making excuses to be in the car after 7pm so I could tune in! (Yes, I know radios work inside too…)

My obsession has now taken me to their website and I’ve even started commenting on their blog entries. I listen to them streaming live on iTunes in the evening and before I know it, I’ve spent 2+ hours updating my blog listening to Luke and I’ve even forgotten about my cherished television shows TiVoing!! What is wrong with me?!

The reason I love this program so much is because Luke Burbank is one of those people you just feel like could be your friend. I mean, the guy says “rad” every other word! Need I say more?

Feel the Burn
It’s been a whooping 14 months since Baby Bee ruined my body…I mean, was brought lovingly in to this world via my babyhole. In those 14 months, I haven’t done a single sit-up. Now, don’t get me wrong. I am not bragging. The truth is, this post-baby body is in some serious, desperate need of a couple sit-ups. Like, a LOT of sit-ups.

So I’ve started a mild sit-up routine. And I’m already seeing, and feeling, some results, which is awesome possum. My Wii Fit would be so proud! However, I’m pretty sure that eating a Cinnabon with extra frosting as I recuperate from “working out” isn’t in any trainer’s workout plan…

Song Title: You Are Too Beautiful by Noa

Under Pressure

11 Jun

I’m sure you’ve all noticed the lack of Weight Check In posts recently. Honestly, I’ve been pretty slacking on the whole diet upkeep thing (and finding song titles with the word “phat” in them became increasingly more difficult)!

I’m still pretty status quo with a weight around 145. My birthday really screwed things up with trips to The Melting Pot and an entire German Chocolate Cake that I had to eat myself. No, you didn’t read that wrong. I had to eat it. In my world, it’s blasphemous to have a German Chocolate Cake homemade by Nana in your house and not devour it. But the cake is finally gone, so hopefully I can get back on track.

I can’t even remember the last time I got on the treadmill. I keep thinking, “Hey, why don’t you run on the treadmill during Baby Bee’s Sesame Street time?” but then I realize how sitting on your ass snacking on miniature Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups is waaaaay more fun…

Even when I am consciously fighting my food intake, I still eat crap. Like yesterday I sat down for lunch and was staring at my two hot dogs (yep, that’s right. TWO.) thinking, “I shouldn’t eat these. I really shouldn’t eat these…” but somehow, before I know it, oops! Hot dogs are gone! I rationalize it with needing to empty the fridge of all the food before we move, so really, I was going to have to eat those hot dogs eventually, right? I’m so delusional.

My friends, on the other hand, think I’m looking thinner. I’m really starting to worry about them. They must have caught the delusional bug from me or really should cut back on their drinking…

Song Title: Under Pressure by David Bowie

Fill My Cup

9 Jun

Baby Bee Sippy Cup Followup
I’ve pretty much decided that Baby Bee does everything on her own schedule. We tried like mad to transition her from the bottle to a sippy cup for a few weeks but when it came time to put our house on the market, life was just too hectic. I decided that there would be a moratorium on sippy enforcement until we were less stressed and had the time and sanity to deal with hours of screaming.

Once the craziness subsided, a few weeks ago I decided it was once again time to force the transition. With ear plugs in hand and practicing my patience-inducing slow-breathing, I carefully placed a sippy cup full of milk in front of Baby Bee one morning…

…and she drank it.

No screams. No refusal. Just a “Okay, woman. You won this battle.” look and she was officially transitioned to the sippy.

Next battle: Kickin’ the pacifier habit during naps…

Song Title: Fill My Cup by Cece Winans

(mobile bloggin)

6 Jun

Don’t you feel like you’ve won a mini-lottery when you find something in a jacket you haven’t worn in a long time?

Apparently I haven’t worn my leather jacket in say about a year because I just found an unused Target gift certificate in the pocket from Baby Bee’s baby shower! JACKPOT!!

Shoe Box

25 May

I FOUND MY SHOES ON EBAY!!! They should be here (hopefully) by next weekend!

The Same Mistake

22 May

I swear to God, if the cast of Grey’s Anatomy calls a ferry a “ferry boat” one more time, this fair trade coffee-swigging, Microsoft-using, Nintendo-playing, tree-hugging, Nirvana-listening, organic vegetable-eating liberal’s head is going to explode.

It’s called a FERRY, Dr. McDouche Pants. FERRY. Gawd.