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“It is raining gatos!”

1 Feb

This week, because this show is totally based in reality, our oh-so-hawt Bachelor Ben and his suitors travel to Puerto Rico to get their latino on.

Was that racist?

Anyways, I mean who DOESN’T travel to 8500 cities for their first dates with a new boyfriend? I mean, I totally did! Seattle…West Seattle…Tukwila…even Olympia! Don’t be jealous.

So in Puerto Rico everything is going to be “Ah-mazing”. (new drinking game!) Everyone gets a date this week so…yay?

Date #1
Nicki, Let’s find a new love in old San Juan (in Spanish or pig latin or something. Emily translates while the producers hold up giant cue cards with the English translation for her.)
There are a lot of girls on the show that I love. There are a lot of girls I detest. Scratch that, I only hate Courtney. But Nicki? Ugh.

“Aaaaaaah! A helicopter!” Really? I mean, REALLY?! ::eye roll::

Gurl looks rough in her mini drapey dress. I’m all for a little junk in the trunk but dress for your figure, sweetheart. Oy.

Plan A for Ben and Nicki was to walk around town, but after a horrendous downpour, luckily for Nicki, they buy some brand new dudes at a local shop. Ben looks muy guapo in all white linen and Nicki drastically improved her look with a new dress.

As they cruise the streets, the couple comes across a grand wedding. In true Bachelor style, the couple park themselves near by, surely dragging all the attention away from the pesky marriage ceremony. And Ben, can you believe he wore white to the wedding? How rude!

Later in the evening, the two delve in to Nicki’s past marriage and what went wrong there. Sounds like Nicki’s husband fucked around on her during their super long “almost” three-year marriage. Sounds like a keeper.

But opening up worked for her and Ben gives her the date rose and some tongue.

Puke, I don’t see the chemistry there. At all.

Date #2
Group date with Lindzi, Courtney, Jennifer, Emily, Casey B., Rachel, Casey S., Jamie, Blakely: Diamonds are a Girl‘s Best Friend
SQUEEE!!! Jewelry!! The nine girls quickly get dolled up for some sparkly fun…and then they are bused to a local ballfield to play some baseball with Ben.

::sad trombone::

After doing some drills and everyone having to talk via bullhorn (apparently), the girls find out that they have to play a baseball game in order to win an evening beach date with the Bachelor.

Since there are an odd number of girls, Ben chooses Lindzi to play on both teams and therefore she gets an automatic invite to tonight’s date.

In a nail biter of a game (please read that with heavy sarcasm), the teams battle fiercely for Ben’s attention. The game even goes in to extra innings.

::eye roll::

After three extra innings, the red team (consisting of Casey B., Courtney, Casey S., and Jamie) finally wins.

After Ben and the winning five head off in a helicopter, the losing four break out in synchronized bawling. It was very Olympic. All they need were a few ribbons on wands and leotards. Scratch that. MORE leotards.

Over drinks and what one can only assume are ‘smores, the girls lie about how super fun playing baseball was and how they totally didn’t care when they didn’t show up at Neil Lang for a diamond shopping spree.

::begin montage of Ben walking on beach with each girl::

We finally learn through a conversation with Ben and Casey B. (lord, she’s adorable) that Ben’s past relationships ended because his girlfriends didn’t love him.

What the what?! Crazy bitches.

And then Ben gives Casey B. the date rose. Squee!

But wait…there’s more! Courtney steals Ben away and then whispers to him that they should orchestrate some way to go skinny dipping together.

I. Fucking. Hate. Her.

Date #3
Elyse, Stop looking like a MILF from Housewives of New Jersey and come join me for a badly lit date.
Okay, that’s not really what the date card said…

Let’s find love somewhere private…
Surprisingly, Ben “likes what he sees” but I predict that Elyse will be sent packing…maybe even on the date. The couple starts their date on a gigantic yacht where Elyse defends the idea that she is too young.

Young?

How old is she?! She’s looks about 42!

After talking about herself for a few hours, Elyse follows it by…talking about herself some more. And all the cool things she gave up to join the Bachelor shenanigans.

In order to get away (in my honest opinion), Ben suggests jumping off the side of the yacht. I don’t fucking blame him. And that dress she’s wearing at dinner? Stop the fucking ruching down her sleeve! Puke and a half!

Over dinner, Elyse complains some more about being left out from dates and I think Ben is getting the feeling that she wants to get married, etc. just to get married. Hence forth and whatnot, he breaks up with her over dessert and says “NO ROSE FOR YOU!” But, you know, nicer.

::cue crying and desperate “what did I do wrong” whining::

Once the girls back at the hotel see Elyse’s bags picked up, Courtney’s bitchy comments about Elyse begin. Jersey Shore comments, good riddance insinuations and another one bites the dust…

Basically the shit I write about here, but said, like, out loud. In public.

After her shit talking, Courtney stalks Ben’s room with a bottle of wine, just being “little miss sunshine.” More like Little Miss Whoreface.

Aaaaand then, they skinny dip.

Whoreface.

And that’s me keeping it…R-rated?

Cocktail Hour(s) and Rose Ceremony
Apparently this week is “Maternity Wear Week” for the girl’s formal wear. Please please please make this mean that the next fashion trend is looking like you’ve give birth to multiple children.

:crosses fingers fiercely::

After random one-on-one moments, Courtney not-so-subtly brings up skinny dipping around the other girls because god-forbid they find out what happened (which I’m pretty sure was Ben screwing Courtney).

Ooooooh, super train wreck Emily digs herself a deeper hole with Ben. She begins her one-on-one time apologizing for bringing up the Courtney-is-a-vapid-bitch conversation…and then promptly follows it up with discussing why Courtney is such a stupid vapid bitch. Ben straight up tells her to watch her step and be careful (read: your ass is going home because I am falling in love with the manipulative whore face).

Handsome Ben gives a…

…rose to Lindzi.

…rose to Jamie.

…rose to Rachel.

…rose to Courtney.

…rose to Casey S.

Holy shit, Blakely is hyperventilating, I shit you not.

…rose to Blakely.

Ladies, Ben, it’s the final rose tonight going to…

EMILY!!

What. The. Fuck!! How the…?! What the…!?! I thought Jennifer was a front-runner!!

Next week: The most glamorous city in Central America…Panama City? Uh…

“I’m a nice person. Don’t fuck with me.”

26 Jan

Backup title for this week’s post “I feel like I made a mistake. I was honest.”

Also Monica: “This is where I’ll be Mama Bear. Fuck her!”

Can you believe that Ben and these crazy bitches have been in our lives for a whole sweet month already?

This week, everyone travels to Park City, Utah because…uh…apparently that is where the “outdoors” are. Phew! I hate the outdoors so luckily I can completely avoid them by living in Seattle. Dodged that bullet.

For no particular reason, three minutes in to the episode, I’m calling that Monica goes home this week. Man, I love her, though.

Date #1
Rachel, Let‘s let nature takes its course

Upon Rachel getting the date card, Casey B., who is ridiculously adorable and falling in love with Ben, has a hard time dealing with other girls going on dates with Ben.

After Ben picks up Rachel from their suite (breaking and yet filling Casey B.’s heart at the same time), they travel to their destination in a…wait for it…all together now…

HELICOPTER!

It’s like a little piece of home when the Bachelor returns to its roots with the main mode of transportation being a Black Hawk.

As they sigh and start smooching in the “peace and quiet” my initial response was “HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THOSE BUGS!!! VIMMAL!!!!”

I’s a county girl, y’all.

The couple sits down to a champagne picnic to yet again discuss the fact that they are…on a date…and…yeah, that’s it. They sit in practically complete silence, except for Ben pointing out a beaver dam, which cool, right?

After walking through the forest, the couple arrive to a fireside dinner in a hut decorated by Yosemite Sam. Ben struggles amongst the cowboy hats and dead animals to get a little, just a smidge, of information from Rachel. She FINALLY confesses that communication is not her strong suit (really?). Ben is happy that she’s “opened up” and he’s looking to “dive in.”

Heh heh heh. That’s what he said.

Oh, and she gets the date rose.

Date #2
Jamie, Casey S., Blakely, Lindzi, Samantha, Nicki, Casey B., Courtney – Let’s see if you’re a great catch

The next date is Ben vs. The Evil Eight, mostly just because queen bitch Courtney is there. Her first awesome contribution to the date is warning everyone to “watch out for poop” when they begin their horseback riding. The second awesomness is her “yay…” face when Ben declares that they are going fly-fishing!

I was planning on listing off all the irritating things Courtney does on the date, but, to be honest, they are far too numerous. I’d need a motherfucking Excel spreadsheet.

Courtney tries to steal Ben away from the girls, she catches a fish, blah blah blah.

The group moves on to the evening portion and if the girls didn’t fall in love with him a little more, I certainly did. Especially when he sits down with Samantha and rips her a new one with his blunt honesty. I don’t really feel like we’ve seen too much of Samantha but who the hell is this bimbo? Ben tells you that he doesn’t see a future with you and you laugh?! Thank god he sent her ass packing.

And just when you think that it’s a simple, good thing he’s doing, fucking bitch Courtney has to pipe in with her know-it-all “I’m glad he’s finally sending her home. She was abrasive.” Yeah, SHE was abrasive. Jesus Christ.

After that train wreck, Ben is so ridiculously sweet and pulls Casey B. aside to his room and once she says that she just loves every little bit of time, Ben admits that he that he really wanted to kiss her in the river and couldn’t let himself because he didn’t want the girls to get upset.

Of course, after the cute-fest, Courtney had to follow it with a manipulation of Ben in order to get the date rose. Basically, she faked that she was all insecure to make him think that she needed the date rose of a reassurance. And sadly, it works. The whore actually smiles (an evil Disney witch kind of smile) when he leaves her to get the rose. Bitch knows exactly how to manipulate a guy and if it wasn’t Ben, who is so freaking down-to-earth and lovable, I might even be entertained by it. But lord help me if this girl gets the final rose and engagement. She is HORRIBLE.

Date #3
Jennifer, Let’s pick our love song
Okay, how cute is little redhead Jennifer? I want to date her. And Casey B. And Monica. Wow, that just sounded really lesbiany (TRADEMARK!) (not that there is anything wrong with that).

The adorable couple hike a bit to a…crater…in the middle of nowhere. And they are planning on rappelling. In to the water. That is 300 feet down. And after hanging for a while in midair, the line is released and they plummet together in to a serene pool below.

Somehow, the crater magically turns in to ski lift to a romantic outdoor dinner, where they spill the secrets of their past relationships. Suddenly, the sky opens up and the two just get poured on, which *sigh* right? Obviously, she gets the date rose.

Next he takes her down to a country show just for them and god dammit, the boy even knows how to dance! I’m pretty sure Arla-Shay and I have fallen head over heels for Ben tonight (you know, more than we already were. Sorry Mr. Arla-Shay and Mr. Bee).

Cocktail Hour(s) and Rose Ceremony
The drinks start flowing and the emotions start firing up as the cocktail hour begins. Emily seems to be the only one with the cajones to expose Courtney’s bullshit to Ben. Ben gives Emily an out by saying that he doesn’t expect her to throw anyone under the bus and then she dumbly outs Courtney as the target of her complaints. Sadly, it goes over not so well, and Ben says that in the past people like Emily usually cause their own demise.

When Emily returns to the room with the girls, Casey K. defends Courtney and flabbergasts Emily with her inane arguments that Courtney is super genuine and awesome. Of course, Casey K. runs immediately over to Courtney to relay every bit of information she learned from Emily. That fires up Our Queen Bitch, who finishes her talk with Casey K. with an evil cackle.

Fer reals, who says WINNING?! Apparently Courtney. Like every five minutes.

And, dude, raise your hand if you love Monica!

raisehand.jpg

I kind of want to be her friend. Or stalker.

Ben declares that this week was a turning point in relationships and starts handing out roses:

((Courtney – puke, Rachel – eh, and Jennifer already have date roses))

Rose to Lindzi (yay!)

Rose to Jamie (who is she?)

Rose to Nicki (I don’t see it…)

Rose to Casey B. (yay!! Love!)

Rose to Elyse (what the what?! I had her earmarked for dumpsville, population her)

Rose to Blakely (what is going ON?!)

Rose to Casey S. (barf. Courtney lover.)

And the last rose tonight goes to…

Emily!! SUCK IT COURTNEY!!

Dammit, Monica gets sent home solo since Samantha got sent packing earlier. Poor Monica. WE LOVE YOU, MAMA BEAR!!

Next week, they are heading to Puerto Rico (despite Courtney having just been there two weeks ago). Oh mah gawd, I hate Courtney with the fire of one thousand suns.

“ C’est la vie.”

25 Jan

As we visit week 3 (sorry for the delay folks), we join Bachelor Ben and his League of Evil Suitors in California, this time in Ben’s “home town” (he seems to have many) of San Francisco. Here, Ben has some soda with his sister and declares that she would LOVE Courtney, the evil bitch queen, which leads me to think that, well, Ben is fucking insane.

Date #1
Love lifts us up
Upon receiving the date card, Emily‘s first question is “Will I pee my pants?”

I’d be more considered about Courtney’s bitchface burning a hole in my forehead. Have I mentioned yet that I hate her? And she’s ridiculously gorgeous so I hate her even more. Obviously.

Upon donning her Depends Undergarments, Emily and Ben begin their romantic date…climbing to the top of the bay bridge? He’s scared of heights but so is she.

Sidenote: They are not “scared of heights.” I, my friends, am scared of heights. I would have butt juice projectile shooting out of the legs of my pants causing car accidents below if someone forced me (which they would have to do) to climb up a bridge support.

And a helmet? Really?! That has to be one mother fucking strong helmet to withstand falling how many hundreds of feet down to the payment and/or water.

Emily is super cute, but almost dated her brother at some point in her life which is either a quaint and awkward story or a sign of some really fucked up things to come.

But I have to agree with Ben that she is smart, witty, perfect. “Words can’t describe” so Ben gives her the date rose and some smooches instead.

Date #2
Let’s knock something off our leap list – Attendees: Blakeley, Jacklyn, Kasey B. Erika, Samantha, Elyse, monica, Rachel, nicki, Deanna?, Kasey S.

Okay, first let’s get something out of the way. This whole “leap list” idea? Total bullshit. I mean, have you SEEN these Honda commercials. I’m a Honda lover but even I want to throw something significant yet unable to break my television AT my television.

For those who haven’t seen the 800 Honda commercials, a “leap list” is a list of things you hope to do before you “take the leap”. In the Honda commercials, it’s always getting married.

Because, you know, you couldn’t possibly learn how to play the drums, climb a mountain or anything of the countless other things they list while you are…GASP…WEARING A WEDDING BAND!!

::eye roll::

So what do Ben and the League of Evil Bachelorettes want to do before they get hitched? Skiing. In bikinis. Dressed like whores. Seriously, y’all, they look so ridiculous. By-standers must think it’s a hooker ski parade.

I take that back, the gag reel of them falling was SOOOO worth it! I bet poor Casey B.’s ass is still red from all those tumbles!

They go to a super fab waterfall-in-the-middle-of-the-place restaurant.

Once the one-on-one time begins and turns in to kissy-kissy time, girls start getting some hurt feelings. Kasie B. is friggin’ adorable, though, and her relationship and smooches pick right up where they left off on their one-on-one date.

Mid-group date, Britteny, who isn’t even ON the group date, decides that she is gonna go home instead of letting Ben “waste” a one-on-one date on someone who isn’t in it to win it.

Rachel gets the date rose for kissing him, I think?

Date #3
Britteny – Let’s unlock our love with the key to the city

Lindzi is beyond disappointed when the date card arrives addressed to Britteny, but Britteny is maybe even MORE disappointed. So in the end, since Britteny peace’d out, Lindzi scores the one-on-one time with Ben.

Date v.3.2
Your first impression was a lasting one, now let’s see the city at night.

They ride a trolley, eat some ice cream, go to city hall where they dance to Faster by Matt Nathanson. SQUEE!!!

They follow up dancing with some time at a password-required-for-entry speakeasy, which, dude, awesome sauce!

Cocktail Hour(s) and Rose Ceremony
Okay, so this is some really random stuff, yo. Shawntel from Brad’s season apparently met Ben at some point, has spent some time getting to know him and then, when she found out that he was the next Bachelor, called Chris Harrison and was all “hook me up, yo.”

Needless to say, the girls go absolutely ape shit.

Numerous women are all “I’m Audi 5000 if Ben gives Shawntel a rose.” (buuuuuuuuuuullshit.)

Once the rose ceremony begins, all eyes are on the chick in the teal dress, because as the previews showed, someone is going down tonight.

Ben begins handing out roses…

Rose to Courtney. She gives him shit about “what’s her butt” in her notoriously bitchy way.

Rose to Casey B.

Rose to Elyse.

Rose to Jennifer.

Rose to Casey S.

Rose to Blakely

Rose to Monica

Rose to Nicki

Rose to Samantha

Ladies, Ben, this is the final rose tonight…when you’re ready…

Tiiiiiimber!

And down goes Erika. Chick faints due to all the excitement, but luckily there are roughly 8,000 nurses in the group of Bachelorettes this season and she is quickly on her feet, smiling nervously once again.

With no explanation (she’s apparently fine after a quick commercial break) and then WHAMMY no rose for you!!

That would SUUUUUUUCK.

Ben decides NO ROSE FOR YOU and doesn’t give out the final rose. In the end, Shawntel, Erika and Jacklyn go home.

Next/This week: I don’t know, I didn’t watch the preview. I’m sure somebody cries, somebody is a total slut, and most likely Courtney will insult about 45 people right to their face(s).

“This is the first time I’ve ever been attracted to a sheep”

24 Jan

Episode 2 of the Bachelor Ben Bananza brings us to tasty, wine-soaked Sonoma so the girls can get a taste of what it will be like uprooting their lives to live where Ben lives. Because great and lasting relationships always start like that, right? One person sacrificing everything to fit in to a perfect little round hole in the other person’s life?

(Sidenote: I was alluding to a “square peg in a round hole”, not their vagina and/or butt hole. Just wanted to clear that up.)

Date #1
Casey B. gets the first date card, which instantly makes Crazy Model’s talons to go in to attack mode. Ben tells us that he wants to “let her in early”. heh heh, that’s what she said.

Casey B. seems like a nice, down-home girl, family-oriented, but not in the blerg-why-does-she-insist-on-shitting-rainbows king of way. Very seriously, she confesses something very embarrassing…she used to twirl a baton. Like professionally or something. Having grabbed one from a gift shop they visited, Ben and Casey proceed to have a two-person (and very adorable) parade in his home town.

At dinner, they discuss romance and Ben’s dead father…again. (Since we haven’t seen many hummingbirds – Ben’s visions of his father – we can only assume that dating shows aren’t that appealing to the dead [one would hope].)

After a super heartfelt speech about how cool he thinks she is and how he can imagine her in Sonoma with him, Ben gives her the date rose.

But wait! There’s more! They sit down in a theatre to watch home movies from her childhood…and Ben’s, too! So cute! Even naked Ben in the backyard (let’s clear something up – I’d like to see TODAY’S Ben naked, NOT two year old Ben).

But holy shit, tears at all the dad footage! Oy vey, fucking producers.

Date #2
Come Away With Me
(Attendees: Brittany, Rachel, Jennifer, Blakely, Emily, Jenna, Shawn, Monica, Samantha, Jamie, Nicki, and Jackie)

In a frighteningly embarrassing date, the girls must audition for roles in a play ranging from princess to gingerbread man and wait for it…weasel. And their judges? 10 year olds. Kill me now. Fer reals.

However, as long as it’s not me, I can enjoy full-grown adults pretending to be weasels doing a sexy dance as much as the next person. In fact, I may or may not have laughed so hard I peed myself.

And SURPRISE! They will be performing in front of a full theatre house in town!

It was HYS-fucking-TERICAL!

But it’s not long before the date goes in to mingle mode and Blakely is clearly not only a bitch but a “desperate cougar”! Mwaaahahahahahaha.

Samantha quickly extracts herself from the Blakely mayhem, but worries the other girls with her prolonged absence.

When Jennifer (the cutie pie) pulls Ben aside, they have a little make-out spa session that was freaking adorable. But next, Blakely pulls him to a pool and goes full slut and forces herself on him. And sadly, forcing your tongue down a guy’s throat usually does the trick and Blakely runs away, laughing maniacally, with the date rose in hand.

Date #3
Let’s spin the bottle…
Date 3 goes to Courtney (the ferociously bitchy model – for those of you following at home), who promptly says to the remaining girls, “He wants to kiss me! How’d that taste coming out of your mouth?”

What the what?!

How do NONE of those girls stand up to her?? I think Monica needs to cut HER face off.

Wow. I’m practically speechless. The model girl is a super bitch!! Which totally confirms my theory that the prettier you are, the more evil you must be.

Obviously, I’m a fucking mad scientist, beeyotch.

On the date, Courtney continues to coat Ben head-to-toe in “oh, you are so sexxxy” compliments. Puke. She’s seriously as deep as a blackhead. The entire conversation with Ben at the lake is ridiculous. I have deeper conversations with my gynecologist.

While I was busy trying to swallow the bile rising in the my throat from the lackluster conversation from Courtney that apparently is winning over Ben, he gives her the date rose.

Uh oh, here comes that bile again.

Rose Ceremony
Ben reconnects with a number of women, until Bitchy Blakely, who is apparently a Stage 5 Clinger) breaks up not one, but TWO one-on-one moments with Ben and other girls. Even Courtney, the model, comments that it is a war out there.

I was going to make some snaky comment about Courtney here, but honestly, I can see how the Bach is straight up like ‘Nam. But with a bunch of white girls. Who are really slutty. And most likely alcoholics. But other than that, TOTALLY A WARZONE!

But wait, there’s more. It’s…Jenna time!! First, shit you not, she drops her jacket straight on hurricane lantern on the floor. “oooh, let’s not put that on the candle…” Ben to the rescue. Man, this chick is a TRAIN WRECK.

The following is yet another direct quote from Jenna that took me way too long via TiVo to document:

“and I don’t, I don’t want you to think I’m not, because it might appear as if I’m not, it’s I mean it’s hard like it’s only you so it’s like waiting around for you and it’s totally worth it, but I just, I’m not like a girl, if that makes any sense.”

“I appreciate that” from Ben which I interpret it as “Uh, okay, can you go now.”

Following which, Jenna retreated to a bedroom to bust into tears. Again.

Shortly thereafter, Blakely goes in to another bedroom to curl in the fetal position in the corner of the luggage room. Ben finds her there to talk it out and then runs in to Jenna bawling in a random room. Obviously, there is some drama in the house, but sadly he doesn’t quite realize that Blakely is a horrible bitch and if Courtney looked as ugly as her personality, she’d look like Andy Rooney. Post death.

After everyone cleans the ugly cry off their faces, roses to to: Jennifer, Emily, Elyse, Jaclyn, Erika, Rachel, Lindzi, Nicki, Casey S., Samantha, Monica, Jamie, and Britteny.

Going home: Some random chicks and Jenna (sadly, we all love her poop faces and her face was worth a thousand words when she accidentally got bumped in to by the last rose recipient. The words were “I will cut a bitch! I‘m fucking unstable, y‘all!”), But luckily, her mouth also speaks plenty of words following the ceremony: “Are you kidding me? I mean, are you kidding me?!“ Shit, I hope that camera man is wearing Kevlar and is prepared with a Costco-sized can of pepper spray.

Next week, San Francisco for street cars, bikini cross-country skiing, ex-girlfriends and medical emergencies. I’m hoping all of the above happen to Blakely. Well, the medical emergency, at least.

“It smelled a lot like grandma.”

16 Jan

Hi there! I think we might know each other? I write in this crusty and damp part of the photosphere that I like to call Mom to Bee…Have you heard of it? Tens of people used to read it, you know, before I went on an unannounced and unexpected blog sabbatical. Also, this post will not be proofread, so have fun trying to decode what I’m writing.

Anywho and whatnot, I back mother fuckers!! And have y’all been watching Bachelor this season ‘cause this shit if OFF THE HOOK! The crazy is so thick you can cut it with a knife that some of those crazy bitches probably have stashed in their luggage “just in case” they need to guard and protect Ben’s heart.

And Ben. Oh, sweet and so genuine Ben. He’s adorably blunt and honest in his…ownership of a fucking vineyard! That’s all I need to hear. Unlimited access to boxes and boxes of wine? Signed, served and delivered, yo.

And he plays the piano too? Are you kidding me?? Pretty soon the producers will be showing Ben rescuing puppies from the pound while serving dinner at a food bank and singing to ignored seniors at the local old folks home. But, sadly, all of that will be WITH CLOTHES because I think the is the first Bachelor in a long time to not have a shirtless-soapy montage and, honestly, I’m not really sure how I feel about that. Surprised? Yes. Disappointed and ashamed because of that disappointment? I’ll get back to you.

Since this is the “oh-my-gawd-there-is-so-much-crazy” introductory episode, here are my CliffsNotes on most of the girls. Some where just, well, not worth the imaginary ink. As always, my Bachelor commentary is meant to be funny. Like, haha funny. If your mother’s aunt’s sister’s cousin’s daughter is best friends with one of these women’s brother’s dog walker, my bad.

Without further ado, BACHELOR 2012!!!

In general, every single woman on the show this season looks like she’s been rolling around in Nacho Doritos dust.

Lindzi C. from Bellevue
Holla! Lindzi is representin’ my ’hood(ish) so despite the equestrian obsession, I’m obligated by state law to love her. Poor Lindzi stood out by displaying the worst break up text EVAR:

“The guy sent me a break up text that said “Babe, welcome to Dumpsville … population YOU.”

Asshole douche knuckle does not even COVER a dude like that! So obviously, I’m rooting for her. Even though she rode in on a horse and touches her hair WAY too much.

Amber T. from Nebraska
(1) NRA member. (2) Loves killing adorable animals and birds. (3) Despite her love of killing shit, she is a nurse. (4) Blind (I’m assuming that due to the dress she wore that burned my corneas.

Kacie B. from Tennessee
Yeah, I think she’s gonna end up being a stalker.

Courtney from Santa Monica
A model with duck lips the size of the stick that is firmly up her ass.
“I’m better than them.” Yeah, she SAID that. Barf.

Jamie from New York
Nurse, who looks very down to earth and adorable. Druggie mom and took custody of younger siblings. Nervous but caught Ben’s eye. I’m a fan.

Lindsay from Scotsdale
Who’s that dude? Seriously, she is the most British-looking Brit I have ever seen. You know, if the Brit was a dude. She’s a diplomat’s daughter and is enormously frightening in all different languages.

Jenna from New York
Blogger/Romance writer (read: Carrie Bradshaw wannabe)
Her entrance was *crickets* and awkwardness. Kill me now. PAINFUL. She is shocked that every single woman isn’t instantly in love with Ben on sight and immediately displays that she will be the most emotionally unstable and, for obvious reasons, my favorite of the entire season.

Shawn from Phoenix
Single mom of a 7ish year old son. She stood out when she slapped Ben on the shoulder, surprising (and maybe hurting our delicate flower,) Ben a little bit.

Nicki from Texas
Has the depth of a wading pool when she declare that both her and Ben have “gone through things in our past.“ Uh, so has, like, EVERYONE? Married at 21 and now divorced, Nicki seems to believe that she is a survivor, ain’t gonna give up…

Rachel from New York
Her middle name is Rose. I like her.

Erika from Chicago
Her dress seriously made me VIMMAL. And then the “Ben, you are guilty of being sexy” line? I just threw up even MORE in my mouth.

Amber from Vancouver, Canada
Baconator. ‘nough said.

Elyse from Chicago
Totally forgettable.

Emily from North Carolina
Works for the CDC or something. Sanitized Ben properly and then scored the first kiss of the night.

Samantha from Los Angeles
Miss Pacific Palisades. Who? What? Go away. Worst hair I’ve ever seen.

Casey S. from Kansas
Weird half see-thru dress. Besides that…forgettable.

Holly from Kentucky
Wore a gigantic hat and looked ridiculous.

Shira from Los Angeles
Who?

Blakely from North Carolina
VIP waitress. Pretty sure that means a waitress that gives happy endings.

Sheryl from Colorado
Retired, 72yo. And on crutches. Freaks Ben out fer reals when he sees her, but he calms down when Sheryl introduces her cute granddaughter, Britteny. Upon entering the cocktail hour with grandma, bitch faces COMMENCE!

Diana from California
Works for a non-profit. Had the world’s biggest brain fart and giggles that hurt my brain. If she worked for a for-profit company, she would’ve been fired by now.

Jennifer from Oklahoma City

Anna from Detroit
Is super ballsy and whispers “hi” and then passes up Ben to walk straight inside.

Monica from Salt Lake City
Confession: she misses her dog. Really? ::eye roll:: But later she’s super loud, funny, bi-curious and full of the awesome!

Jaclyn from Massachusetts
…yawn…

After horse-rider-inner, the serious bitch faces come out and the claws are getting sharpened on the psychos’ pointy teeth. How DARE someone ride in on a HORSE?! Pa-shaw!! The NERVE!!

PS: Are they all totally wasted?

All in all, the conversations between Ben and all the Bachelorettes so far have been so nauseatingly boring. And since when does feeding someone candy out of a hobo’s drinking sack foreplay?

As the alcohol is absorbed in to their anorexic stomachs, the real crazies start to appear. Like, what is Jenna’s PROBLEM?! Besides being super crazy face? And wanting to share a tampon with Monica? Which makes Monica drink more and be FUCKING HYSTERICAL and threaten to cut Jenna’s face off. Have I mentioned that I see a lot of myself in Monica? She’s fucking rad.

And Jenna has the first cry/weep/sob of the season! Yay! And then lies about it. And insults Ben. And babbles:

“I just feel like, you, like, I know but, that makes us, if, we could be more more nervous, but you could, we all could be more nervous, but the way you’re calm, like we’re like so nervous, but it calms us down a little bit.”

That’s a motherfucking QUOTE people! And it took like five minutes of pausing and restarting the goddamn TiVo to make that happen.

You’re welcome.

And while Jenna talks to herself (and the voices in her head) in the bathroom, Ben supports our local stock by giving the first impression rose to Lindzi, our Bellevue gal!

Cue sobbing in the bathroom from Jenna.

Flush.

After the puking/duece dropping/cutting herself/whatever, Jenna finally joins the crowd waiting for the rose ceremony to begin.

There are far too many women to figure out who got a rose and who didn’t. But I won’t lie. I actually DID fist pump in the air and scream YES when crazy frizzy-haired Jenna got a rose. The crazy will continue!

Remind me why I watch this show?

1 Aug

As I sit down to watch the Bachelorette Season Finale with my Trader Joe’s noshes and full glass of wine, the butterflies are actually starting to conga in my stomach in anticipation! I’m gonna need some serious tissues at the end of this episode fo shizzle.

Immediately, we get to meet Ashley’s family, which consists of Mom, Stepdad, Brother and Evil Twin (not really a twin), Christy. I am personally really excited to see the sister bitch fest that the previews tease.

JP gets a new butt hole ripped
JP is the first sacrificial lamb led to the family slaughter. After some easy peasy questions, the family sits down to lunch, strangely all on one side of the table. Surprisingly, the couple get caught up on a soft ball question like “does he make you laugh?”

::crickets::

The editors aren’t fucking around and we immediately hear from Evil Sister that JP is not at all for Ashley. Immediately, insecure Ashley breaks down in to stuttering tears and obviously she puts a lot of weight in her sister’s opinion. Mom tries to referee the two, but Ashley’s “heart is broken” that her sister doesn’t think that he’s the one.

Instead of facilitating a chat with JP and Sis, Ashley breaks down more with Brother and complains and whines. Meanwhile, in order to shove my foot firmly in my mouth, Sister and JP sit down for a talk.

Sis: You don’t make her laugh, hereto therefore you suck.
JP: What the what?
Sis: You are old. What is wrong with you?
JP: Uh…Wha…Hmmm.
Sis: Brad was way more awesome than you.
JP: ((injured bunny face))

Ashley attempts to treat JP’s emotional wounds but she is basically blowing smoke up his ass. Ashley sends JP back to his hotel wishing and hoping and thinking and praying that the Sister Encounter From Hell won’t affect her decision-making.

Ben gets lubed up
Before Ben arrives to the firing squad, Ashley sits down with Sister and the two put everything on the table but I think the key phrase is when Ashley admits that Sis is telling her everything that Ashley is already thinking in her head.

Uh, duh. Sister is TOTALLY right in this scenario. I love the Ashley Crazy Emotional and Sister Totally Rational spectrum.

FINALLY, Ben, with wine in hand of course, meets the family and, more importantly, the Sister.

Ben really needs to stop the nervous tongue thing.

Before long the couple are doing their “dog voices” and dear gawd the first tears have started to stream. Luckily, they are happy laughing tears.

Ben sits down to interview talk with Sister. Basically, he hits out of the ballpark! He declares his love for Ashley and, while the cheesy music played, Ben logically explains his relationship and Sis definitely gives the seal of approval.

All the girls at my Finale Party agree: Ben is fucking adorable and we would like to lick him and be his girlfriend.

On Ashley’s date with Ben, the travel to an island in a…wait for it…helicopter.

Guess the pilot strike is over.

In order to work all up ladies up in to a tizzy, Ashley abuses the Bachelorette powers and schedules a date where she gets to cover Ben in mud. Quoting Ben, they were “lubing each other up…it’s really quite erotic.”

Oh, the dreams I’ll have tonight.

Upon arriving at Ben’s suite, Ben attempts to get Ashley plastered on champagne before he begins blubbering about, well, I don’t know. Just small talk shit in order to lead him to declaring his love for her.

And then they make out. And probably make love down by the fire.

JP bitches and whines. A lot.
Basically, the title says it all. The two begin their last date with a fight about Ashley’s Sister’s evaluation of their relationship. After some more whining, JP declares his love and suddenly morphs in to an Ashley clone, all needy and pathetic.

Back at the suite, JP surprises her with a metro sexual scrapbook with a sappy dedication to her.

Anybody else convinced that if Ashley chooses Ben, that JP will likely jump off the nearest cliff?

Before Ashley wakes up on the final day, we suspect a few different scenes will be forthcoming:

- pajamas, coffee, on a bench, staring contemplatively
- standing on a balcony, leaning over the rail, staring at the water, deep in thought (Arla-Shay trademark!)
- bikini, sarong, walking on the beach
- staring thoughtfully at JP’s stupid scrapbook that only has one photo (obviously)

We missed out on the journal writing (how could we have missed that?!) but totally scored on the bikini with slutty sarong beach walk!

Enter jewelry peddler and ridiculously expensive rings.

Also, JP has weirdly colored nipples.

Both men fly via Kenmore Air to Ashley, who is waiting patiently in a beach bonfire site.

Oh mah gawd, I’m having a fucking heart attack here, y’all. WHO IS SHE GOING TO PICK?!?!?!

What. The. Fuck.

If Ashley seriously says no to Ben I hope she dies a slow and painful death.

Oh and now he’s bringing up his dead father. Holy shit. This is gonna be bad. Before Ashley can stop sucking her bottom lip, Ben stops her and goes about the business of proposing.

And all Ashley has to say after Ben proposes is that it was a hard for her.

And then he turns and walks away. FUCKING RAD.

He pretty much shuts her down completely and tells her not to sugar coat it when she says how “interesting” he is.

Ashley is a fucking idiot. And poor Ben. I hope he gets to cash in the ring.

My heart is breaking for him. JP is such a tool.

After that Ben bullshit, out of the plane comes JP, literally with ring box in hand.

JP and Ashley are so meant for each other. If they don’t break up 6 weeks from now, they will both self-destruct in to a blackhole of insecurity.

So blah blah blah he loves her, she loves him, he proposes, she gets a ridiculously huge rock.

Really, Bachelorette? REO Speedwagon? Jesus.

At least it’s not Wings of Love anymore.

“I took a hard one, for sure.”

1 Aug

ABC’s The Bachelorette – Episode 9

HELICOPTERS!! They brought back helicopters! Oh, shit. It was a sea plane. Dammit.

After what seems like five hundred years of flashbacks, Ashley primps for her date with Ben when who knocks on the door?

Ryan, the Tree Hugger!

He is convinced that he and Ashley just need a second chance and from the strange look on his face, I’m pretty sure he is going to murder her puppy if she doesn’t give him another try.

What comes next is a horribly embarrassing diatribe about how they didn’t have a chance for their love to bloom. He gives her his hotel information (which, by his walk back to his room, appears to be the adjacent suite) and then leaves her to think about whether she wants to spend more time with him or not.

To get back on track, Ashley meets up with Ben for the first one-on-one on a quaint little boat.

I’m on a mother fuckin’ boat

Once they are out on the water, Ashley and Ben lube each other up with suntan lotion and it becomes crystal clear that Ashley wants to jump Ben’s bones something awful.

Who doesn’t?! I want to lick his face.

Seriously, Arla-Shay and I spent the entire date stealing glances back and forth to convey our immeasurable lust love for Ben, the Wine Guy.

And don’t even get me started on the evening portion of the date. I’m not even shitting you, my heart was beating when he was floundering around how he was going to proclaim his love for her.

Then, THEN, Ashley invites Ben to the Fantasy Suite so Ben “can show her how he feels.”

With his manhood

After a quick dip in the pool, Ashley’s lady boner leads them in to the bedroom…

Cue train entering tunnel, volcanoes erupting, fireworks exploding

Six hours after fucking Ben, Ashley meets up with Constantinople and they head off to tour the island in a…wait for it…

HELICOPTER!!!

And after touring the island a while, the helicopter cruises right over where Tree Hugger is chillin’ on the beach.

Most embarrassingly hilarious moment in Bachelorette history. Except for the mask guy. And Corky’s entire family. And Ashley’s wardrobe…

After saying for the billionth time that her and Constantinople’s relationship is progressing slowly, the two of them sit down for dinner and Ashley’s version of the Spanish Inquisition.

And in a painfully non-dramatic fashion, Constantine and Ashley discuss their feelings like adults and it comes down to him not being in love with her. Ashley, not getting the gist of what he’s conveying, needs to be told flat out that he is choosing to leave the “journey”.

Why does everyone call it a JOURNEY?! How about calling it a mother fucking game show?

Although I totally hate Constantinople and his face, many props to him for being upfront and honest about having a lack of feelings for Ashley. I mean, the rest of us realized it four weeks ago, but sooner rather than later is always good. And if Ashley was really honest with herself, and the camera, she’s acknowledge a complete lack of tears over the whole mess.

After such a disappointing evening with Constantine, Ashley decides to visit Ryan down the hall.

Ryan reminds me of a bunny with ADHD on crack in a kindergarten class bathed in pixie sticks. In an insane asylum.

And after an immensely long period of Joker-esque smiling, Ashley breaks his heart yet again. And sends his Fuji-visiting ass home tout de suite.

Don’t worry, Ryan. It’ll happen. It’ll happen. It’ll happen.

It’ll happen.

I’m not fucking with you. He said it four times. In a row.

Bouncing like a little girl and dressed up like a slutty Sacajawea, Ashley greets Cupcake and they head off on a float plane to…tour the island and see the exact same shit she did with Constantine.

But, you know, it was perFACT.

“She’s gonna fuck the shit out of him tonight. If she doesn’t, I will.” I’ll leave the speaker of that statement a mystery.

After a hike through the jungle in heels the biggest sparkly earrings I’ve ever seen, Ashley sits down with JP to reveal this week’s secrets – Constantine and Jake.

First Ashley says that she said goodbye to TWO guys yesterday, which is the meanest thing ever. I’m sure that for that split second JP totally thought that he was the last man standing. After the explanation, though, he’s glad that the dudes are gone and super glad that Bentley was the guy to come back.

You and I both, Cupcake. You and I both.

Upon reading the Fantasy Suite invitation, Cupcake turns a bright red and nervously responds, “uh, yeah I’m good with that!”

Luckily, the Fantasy Suite is different from the one Ashley had with Ben. So the maid didn’t have to put new sheets on the bed.

Because we all know Ashley and JP did the nasty. I mean, duh.

The most dramatic rose ceremony ever
In order to waste the last fifteen minutes of the show, Our Beloved Host and Bachelorette have their little weekly powwow and put a lot more importance on this rose ceremony than is really needed.

After dramatically putting Constantinople’s photo face down on the Wall O’ Bachelors, Ashley stares lovingly and awkwardly at Ben and JP’s photos before staring contemplatively off in to the distance.

Upon arriving at the rose ceremony, Ashley explains the Constantine situation for Ben’s benefit, since he is pretty much the only one on set who is not clued in.

She also explains the significance of the roses tonight. Basically, don’t accept the rose unless you are on the path to engagement with her.

What the hell is she wearing on her finger?! It looks like a See’s candy wrapped in beads.

Here’s a shocker: Both Ben and JP accepted the roses.

Coming up on Sunday: THE MEN TELL ALL!!! And then Monday: THE SEASON FINALE!!! Aaaaaaaah!!

Who do you think Ashley should choose????

“Your pepperonis were so perfect.”

25 Jul

ABC’s The Bachelorette – episode 8

This week’s episode began with an extra long “last week(s) on the Bachelorette,” sucking us in to watching everything that we just saw recapped…last week and the last 7 weeks.

Cumming in Georgia
Really, Constantine? You live in a town called Cumming? Was the name Splooging already taken by a neighboring town?

I really don’t know what it is, but I do not trust Constantinople.

That’s right, people. I stole finally came up with a nickname for him with only weeks until the end of the season.

Despite Ashley’s assertion that this “stud” and her have some amazing chemistry, their small talk seems more sterile than my urine. Honestly, the best part of the Greek Pizzeria visit was the huge waitress pyramid rubbernecking out the window.

Obviously, Constantinople’s family is suffering from the economy. I mean, did you see that chandelier? Obviously not the high end model.

Fuck, Constantinople. How about that sister? She’s freaking adorable!! Obviously the attractive genes went to her.

After some serious “don’t take things too quickly” talk, the entire Constantinople clan arrives to the house, ending in some table dancing and his dad shoving bills in Ashley’s underroos.

That’s what happened, right?

This is like home to me.
First off, I’m pretty sure that Corky is Amish. But I’m not entirely sure that this is his hometown since he said “this is like home to me.”

HOLY SHIT! Did you see his family?! The Corky gene definitely runs through the family tree! But on a good note, Corky looks practically NORMAL compared to his siblings. I fear that his sister’s jaw is going to unhinge and she’s going to swallow Ashley whole like an alien snake. And don’t even get me started on serial killer brother. If I were Ashley, I’d be all “Fuck the onion layers. Unless there is a hawt dude hanging out under all the Corky-ness, peace out, y’all.”

Until I saw the indoor pool, that is. What the hell do all these families do for a living?! I’m starting to question the “unexpected” deaths of Corky’s dad and step dad…

Insurance fraud, anyone?”

Snake Sister suggests to Corky that he show his full self to Ashley.

Full monty?

In order to…expose himself(?), Corky takes Ashley to his “favorite tree” in the local garden. Seriously? Does he just go solo picnicking every day? Maybe the tree was his only friend while he was in high school.

I had to choke down my edamame hummus when they started sucking face. I mean, could you imagine the foreheads on their offspring?! It’s be like Dr. Phil and the SNL Coneheads had a baby.

Gimme wine.
Ashley visits Wine Guy in…wait for it…wine country – Sonoma, California! Because I love Ben so much, I’m dropping the Wine Guy for a moment, in hopes that he will cyber-fall-in-love-with-me and drop that zero and get with the hero.

The hero is me. Just clarifying for y’all.

FINALLY, Ash is hanging out with someone that she has actual chemistry with.

I’m sure the bottles of wine don’t hurt either.

As if I didn’t love Ben enough, then he started talking about his mom being a “cool girl” and his late father…omgkillmenow.

When they finally go visit Ben’s mom and sister, we learn that FINALLY there is a Bachelor whose family doesn’t own a small plantation. You know, besides the vineyard and winery.

I totally love Ben’s family and I won’t lie, the death stare that his sister gave Ashley while they were hugging? CLASSIC! The look said “hurt my brother and I will stab you in the eye, bitch face.”

And just as I was getting all catty and feisty, Ben starts talking to the camera about how much he misses his dad and goddammit this reality show has made me cry!

I’m a sucker for dead people.

“Why did it have to be sunny?!”
Cupcake takes his adorability factor to an 11 when he brings Ashley to the roller rink for a skating date!

Personally, my wet dream. See: my 30th birthday party.

While I love Cupcake to death (albeit, not as much as Ben), all that old relationship talk got old and blah blah blah yawn…sorry, I fell asleep there for a minute.

Ashley finally meets Cupcake’s family at the shack. No really, they live in a totally normal house, it is just ridiculous the difference between his house and Constantinople’s. Makes me like him more, honestly.

His family seems very nice, although his mother seems strangely preoccupied with buttons. Lots of buttons. But Mrs. McLikesButtonsALot is super blunt and asks JP straight out if he loves her and would he propose to her! As Mr. Bee wisely points out, no one in his family gives Cupcake any sense of self-confidence. It’s more like “ZOMG, you are totally going to get your heart broken. But you can come back home and live with mommy and sew more buttons on to my cardigan.”

Finally, Mom and Ashley hug it out with a “I think you’re great!” “No, I think you’re great!” competition.

Then we top it all off with a Kirk Cameron-esque 80’s bar mitzvah photo. Did I mention it was practically life size?

Mom’s a little too attached. I’m wondering if that photo hangs on her ceiling?

The most dramatic rose ceremony ever
Why no more cocktail parties? How are they supposed to support their budding alcoholism?

Sidenote: the back of Ashley’s dress just made me throw up in my mouth a little.

And the roses go to: Ben.

The end. Shut off the television. Show’s over.

Okay, fine. There are other guys too…Cupcake gets a rose, followed by…

“Gentlemen. Ashley. It’s the final rose tonight.”

Constantinople!

DAMMIT! Ames/Corky gets sent packing!

First of all, is someone going to explain to Ames what just happened? I swear he has a perma-concussion. He is just always clueless!

Not to beat a dead horse, but I’m convinced that Ames is one of those people who accidentally had a railroad spike shot in to his head and in fifty years the doctors will look back wondering how he sufficiently functioned in society.

Next week on the Bachelorette: Eh, I didn’t pay attention. I’m sure they go somewhere tropical and something really dramatic happens.

“Oh, Harry and Lloyd!”

21 Jul

ABC’s The Bachelorette – Episode 7 (last week’s episode because I can’t get two minutes to rub together nowadays to blog, my sweet and patient readers!)

Traveling to Taiwan
Ashley and the boys are now on their way to the hidden jewel of Asia, Taiwan. Ashley informs us that “not very many people know about it”…

…except anyone who has ever looked at a label to see where something was made. Or the 23 million people who live there.

Really Ashley?! Just when you think she couldn’t say anything dumber than last week…

Chris Harrison addresses the remaining six bachelors from roughly a football field away, informing them that this week there will be FOUR dates – three one on ones and one group date, which will be the only rose date.

Cupcake is already getting possessive, in a good way, about sharing Ashley with the other guys.

Wait until the sloppy seconds fantasy suite dates. That dude is gonna foam at the mouth.

“Let your love light shine”
Constantine gets the first one on one date and Ashley arrives decked out in 5-inch heels and a shirt that features this week’s body part: her back. I foresee a lot more backless shirts in our future…

Because of said stilts she was wearing or because she is a five year old, Constantine had to give her a piggy back ride.

VIMMAL

Ever the egotist, Constantine asks Ashley why he is on the date, what does she sees in him?

EXCELLENT question.

When Ash says that he is exactly what she is attracted to (which, barf, am I right?), you can see Constantine’s head inflate with hot air.

He’s totally a slimy version of Wine Guy, by the way.

However, Ashley, upon letting go of her love wish lantern (I’m hoping her love wish was about Cupcake), declares that the date was just “per-fact.”

You know, except for the dog peeing on the love wish lantern.

“Let’s spend a gorges day in Taiwan”
Wine Guy meets Ashley at a state park and the two hop on a moped to cruise a massive gorge.

Are the helicopter pilots on strike this season?

Later that evening, wearing my 8th grade dance dress, Ashley references the wine Wine Guy brought her the first night. Seriously, Ash. He. Owns. A. Vineyard.

Case closed. Game over. MARRY HIM!

After almost declaring his love for her, Ashley confesses to the camera that she is falling in love with Wine Guy too and feels like he’s already her boyfriend!

And then Wine Guy doesn’t return back to the bachelors’ suite until morning!

Squeee!

Ben and Ashley, sitting in a tree…

“I’m grooming you for the big day”
The lucky bachelors, Will Forte, Corky and Cupcake, join Ashley on the group date with the only date rose available this week.

Upon opening the group date invite, Tree Hugger realizes that he finally has a one-on-one date with Ashley and blows his load all over the other bachelors.

At the group date, because the fake wedding with Prince William wasn’t awkward enough, the three men have to dress up in costume and take wedding photos with Ashley.

::rolls eyes::

Will Forte is decked out in a classic Taiwanese dress thingy. Corky looks like he’s wearing a tux from the Liberace collection. And Cupcake is in…a tux.

Basically the whole date was Cupcake bitching about having to watch Ashley kiss the other two guys. If it wasn’t awkward enough, there is the only date rose for this week sitting in the middle of the table.

During the face-to-face time with Ashley, Will Forte admits to feeling foolish and whines about having to wear his man dress during the photo shoot. Corky shows Ashley some childhood photos of him riding the short bus.

Seriously, doesn’t he seem like he’s still confused and befuddled from his concussion?

Following a super game plan, Cupcake decides to just whine and bitch about what a horrible, jealousy-filled week he’s had. Shockingly, it works! Ashley gives him the only date rose this week.

Hold the phones, people!! WHY THE FUCK is Corky wearing hot pink pants with a matching watch?? Was the Liberace tux not gross enough for him?!

Could he be any more retarded?!?

“Let’s get a taste of Taipei”
Ashley lures us in with another hospital gown that hasn’t been tied in the back sexy backless shirt as she meets Tree Hugger in a public square.

And as if church wasn’t romantic enough, the two annoying Westerners wander through a huge church/prayer event. Then, the two decide they couldn’t possibly get married since they lost at Taiwanese Dating Craps (trademark!). Ugh, these dates just get more and more awkward as time goes on.

Despite his early adorableness, Tree Hugger quickly spirals in to a smile awkwardly phase. Oh, and don’t forget the nervous giggles. From him, not her.

And wow, then he quizzes her about what has she done for the environment lately? And then a lecture about water heaters?! Jesus Christ. Even the producers thought his environmental information was too boring to play without a voice-over interrupting it.

In response, Ashley violently rips his heart from his chest, slices in on a mandolin, sets fire to it and then pees on it to extinguish the flames. Tree Hugger is stunned to say the least and trades the happy smiles for a wounded bunny look.

Cue sad I-just-want-someone-to-love-me interview.

After spewing some expletives in the bushes, TH returns to the camera looking like he’s going to blow chunks all over the producers. Then he sadly meanders out to the street where he hails a cab and most likely gets mugged on the way to the airport.

The most dramatic rose ceremony ever.
Once again, while our beloved host taps his fingers together like Dr. Evil, Ashley decides that she doesn’t even need a cocktail party (to Will Forte’s dismay).

Man, I hate Constantine’s face.

Sporting an elaborate Greek Goddess meets Prom Dress with Cut-outs, Ashley speaks slowly so Corky understands and then hands roses out to…

Constantine (really?!), Wine Guy and…Corky (what the fuck, yo. Even the back of his jacket was all safety pinned so he looks more normal.)

Will Forte says goodbye to “sweetie” and carefully refrains from punching someone during his interview.

Next week on the Bachelorette: Bachelor Home Dates! I’m not gonna lie to you, I’m secretly hoping that everyone in Corky’s family has down syndrome. I mean, is handi-capable.

“Fuck you. I’m done with you.”

29 Jun

ABC’s The Bachelorette – Season 7, Episode 6

First of all, let’s start out this week’s recap with a little disclosure that while watching and blogging the “A notorious former contender returns” episode, Arla-Shay and I are competing in a Bachelorette drinking game.

“Bentley” = 1 chug
“per-fact” = 2 chugs
Ashley wearing a button down shirt = 1 chug
Ashley wearing a “look at my navel” shirt = 1 chug
The big whammy is a button down navel staring shirt combo = 3 chugs

Let the party begin…

FYI: In order to maintain the authenticity of my severe drunkenness, all typos, misspellings and drunken ramblings will not be edited and will remain in their original, embarrassing form.

This is gonna be rough. We just had to chug four times during the recap of last week’s episode alone.

Our beloved host, Chris Harrison welcomes the bachelors to Hong Kong and then promptly heads down to Ashley’s suite to discuss, who else, Bentley (aka: Douche).

I’m not messing with you. Both of us have almost finished our first drink and it’s only four minutes in to the show.

We are so fucked.

Ashley learns that Douche is in her hotel RIGHT THIS MINUTE and promptly cries and is pathetically in love with him. Determined to “get some answers” she then quietly ponders the situation in her room.

Oh mah gawd, my legs are getting tingly.

Once Ashley is sitting down face-to-face with Douche, the awkward small talk begins. He can’t even keep a straight face when he declares that he traveled across the world to see her. THEN he says that they are totally on the same page! What NERVE!! He is such an asshole!

He strings her along with the whole “leaving was so hard” bullshit and vague “I think you know where I’m at” and since she is here for a “reason” and a “purpose” and maybe she should just explore her options with the other guys.

FINALLY Ashley gets to the point and asks if “this is our period.” Girl finally grows some lady balls and dishes Douche some shit about the way he has treated her and asks why exactly he HAD to take a free trip to Hong Kong instead of telling her this shit on the phone.

FINALLY!!

After all is said and done, Ashley finally realized what a fucktard Bentley (chug!) is and how horribly he treated her. And now we get to see how the other men react to the Douche news.

Typing is getting pretty difficult right now. Too. Many. Chugs.

“let’s find our good fortune on the streets of Hong Kong”
Will Forte/Lucas
The couple start their date in neon central and watch a weird dragon show on the street.

“Look at the street market. They are selling things.” Really Ashley and WF? WORLD travelers?!

After eating some chewy pig intestine, Ashley and Will Forte dine aboard a beautiful sailboat.

Man, I’m in to my second drink already. Let’s feeling like noodles made of Jello.

Despite his ridiculously boring conversation and an abundance of honey and “sweethearts”, Ashley gave him a date rose and a first kiss.

Let’s get our hearts racing
Group date: Tree Hugger, Mickey Mouse, Constantine, Wine Guy, Corky, Blake

Fuck. Button-down, navel gazing shirt combo!

Dragon boat racing teams: Wine Guy & Constantine, Blake & Tree Hugger, Corky & Mickey Mouse

After being assigned to teams, the men have to recruit locals to help them paddle their dragon boats. Blake & Tree Hugger start by finding a translation where as Corky & Mickey Mouse recruit actual dragon boat competitors. I say Corky & Mickey Mouse, but basically Mickey spoke to everyone and Corky just stared and said “awesome” a lot.

Wine Guy & Constantine “entered the red dragon” (that’s what he said) by sporting some “authentic” (read: touristy) red silk kimonos. Despite that, they get “smoked. Like salmon, bro.”

Still suffering from downs syndrome his concussion, Corky and Mickey Mouse win the dragon boat race. What are the chances?

Since the Bentley situation has been dealt with (CHUG!), Ashley is happy enough (drunk even) to make out with Corky on the elevator.

Vomit. From the kissing, not the drinking.

It was like watching someone make out with their brother. With their mom watching.

Shortly thereafter, Ashley spreads a little herp and Corky spit with Wine Guy. And Wine Guy is totally falling in love with Ashley.

If Ashley doesn’t marry him, Arla and I will.

While awaiting his alone time with Ashley, Blake continues to bitch about Tree Hugger and how irritatingly nice he is. Don’t you HATE that?! (Actually, I kinda do…)

And during their “I would kill myself if Tree Hugger gets the rose” conversation, Ashley…wait for it…gives Tree Hugger the date rose.

I don’t know if it’s the episode or all the drinking I’m doing, but that was AWESOME!

Side note: Typing is getting progressively more difficult. Please excuse the forthcoming spelling and typing errors.

Let’s take a peak in to our future.
A one-on-one with Cupcake.

Shit. She’s wearing ANOTHER see-through shirt! If we would’ve known, that would’ve been worth at least 4 chugs

Ashley and Cupcake immediately begin discussing the future, wherein Cupcake speculates that in a month someone might be getting down on their knees.

What is Ashley doesn’t LIKE to give bjs, JP?”

For whatever reason, Ashley decides to disclose to Cupcake that Douche came to see her in Hong Kong.

And so begins my speedy downward spiral in to shit-faced-ness.

After dishing out all the dirty details, Cupcake is pretty sweet about the whole situation, even though he looked a bit shell shocked about the whole “Bentley Situation.”

Spoiler alert (fuck that was difficult to type): Ashley gives Cupcake/Jordan Paul the date rose.

Cupcake is so squishy and lovey when it comes to talking about Ashley.

Aaaaaaah!

Later, they enjoy the Hong Kong skyline while listening to a soup can with strings being played in the background.

Holy shit, I am so drunk right now. Example: I just had to press the backspace key about 40 times, just to time this sentence.

Breaking news: There apparently is a new Stayfree product that puts windwills in your vagina. Sounds dangerous.

The most dramatic rose ceremony ever.
I think Arla and I are considering that dress as a navel gazer as it is so low cut, if I were wearing it, you’d be able to see my c-section scar.

I’m really impressed with how coherent this post is, despite my total wastedness. Christ balls, as Arla would say.

Sidenote: I have never had so much difficulty typing “block quote” in my life.

Yeah, um, thanks for stuttering over the name Bentley, Ashley. I blame tomorrow’s hangover on you.

After Ashley’s disclosure about the “Bentley situation,’ the men go ape shit/crickets. Blake in particular, seems pretty pissed and confrontational about the whole thing.

Cupcake and Tree Hugger are totally supportive of Ash, while all the other bachelors are freaking the fuck out about “everything”.

Honestly, I think these fucktards are just looking for an excuse to “peace out” of the show and the situation. Especially Constantine, who doesn’t appear to be invested in the “process” for a while.

apparently being drunk makes me “quote” things more frequently.

Wow. On Mickey Mouse’s one-on-one with Ashley, he up and LEAVES! Which is awesome, because Ashley, instead of eliminating him, forces him man up and leave if he wants to. Good for her!

Drinking lesson #1: NEVER, ever break the seal.

During the vagina monologues with OBH, Chris Harrison, Ashley ugly cries and OBH Chris gives some psych 101 advice.

I really, REALLY wish that everyone would stop saying “Bentley.”

Roses go to: Cupcake, Will Forte, Tree Hugger, Wine Guy, Constantine

“Ashley, gentlemen, it’s the final rose tonight…”

CORKY!!!

With a “Blake, I’m sorry, man” from Chris, loser (nope, I was right the first time) loser did not get a rose and gets sent walking from the random Oriental rug.

Next week: I don’t know. Some shit happens.

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