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“Juan Pablo’s head was in her crotch for 20 minutes.”

29 Jan

Also known as: the episode where everyone makes out and gets mono.

This Last (sorry) week’s episode begins with an obligatory explanation of how the show works (dur) from our beloved, yet woefully dressed, host Chris Harrison. I’m sure it’s been said roughly a kabillion times, but does Chris Harrison have the easiest job ever?! The actual work to salary ratio must be ridiculous. He is on-screen for a total of about five minutes every episode, gets to travel to exotic locations, is constantly surrounded by beautiful (although that’s sometimes debatable) women and must get paid about 45 trillion dollars per season.

But I digress…

cassandra_headshotLove Is A Wild Ride
Cassandra, the 21 year old mother of a toddler, gets chosen for this week’s first one-on-one date. I’m not a huge fan of Cassandra so far because (1) she’s only TWENTY ONE YEARS OLD, (2) she deemed it appropriate to leave a two year old at home to be on a televised dating program and (3) I’m pretty sure she is an alien. While I am certainly not opposed to May-December relationships, 34-year-old JP dating 21-year-old Cassandra is like a May 2001 – December 2014 romance. Creepy.

Upon arrival of Cassandra at the date, the first thing I noticed was her…shall I call it an “outfit”? This is where I would put a photo of her red, zippered one-piece jumper, but it seems that it is not featured anywhere on the Interwebs. I’m pretty sure the web would implode on itself due to it’s ugliness.

The couples hop in a Jeep-like convertible and go for a short drive. When Pablo begins to park on the beach, he instead drives right in to the water! What?!

momtobee_face1

Really? Was that seriously unexpected?

JP then departs from his typical relatively normal date planning for an afternoon on a gigantic yacht. Because who hasn’t hung out on a huge private yacht for their first date?

Later that day, the couple heads back to JP’s digs for a homemade dinner. Yet again, Cassandra wows us with her questionable outfit choices…

Screen Shot 2014-01-23 at 8.59.40 AM

Those pants…ugh…

But, to be fair, I probably wore clothes that ugly when I was 21.

13 years ago.

Jesus, I’m old.

After some sexy Lambada dancing, the two parents share kid photos and chat about being single parents. Blah, blah, blah, she gets the date rose and makes out with JP.

Group Date with Kelly, Renee, Sharleen, Danielle, Aly, Lauren, Christy, Lucy, Niki, Andi

Group Date with Kelly, Renee, Sharleen, Danielle, Aly, Lauren, Christy, Lucy, Niki, Andi

Let’s Kick It
Surprisingly, the girls travel by non-helicopter to the stadium of the LA Galaxy, which apparently is a soccer team.

((shrug))

And it’s super believable that every single bachelorette is really excited because they know who the LA Galaxy are.

Really?

Anywho, the important part is that JP is practicing in all of his sexy Latiny fashion and looks delicious. I’m pretty sure just seeing him in that soccer outfit made all the girls begin ovulating.

All cleated-up, the girls practice and then split up in teams and begin to scrimmage. If by “scrimmage,” you mean repeatedly kick the ball at Sharleen’s face. And arm. And other various body parts.

The bigger issue at hand is the metallic gold sports bras that the women were wearing. Fer reals, where do you even find yourself a metallic gold sports bra? Is there some local Whore Wholesale store where you can pick these up in bulk? I mean, it is L.A…

Hours of primping and face shellacking later, the evening cocktail hour begins at the stadium. Blah, blah, blah, lots of reassuring the woman that JP likes them.

And, of course, JP makes out with almost everyone. And then we got to see this:

Screen Shot 2014-01-29 at 10.40.44 AM

First, I’d like to apologize because you just can NOT unsee that shit. Girlfriend leads with her massive tongue a little too much. Sharleen should get a fucking red card for that abuse of tongue. Dis-gusting.

Despite some serious tonsil hockey, the non-kisser Niki, gets the date rose.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion…
…we get to hear Elise tell us how young Chelsie is…over…and over…and over again…

Because, seriously guys, Chelsie is a baby. She really “seems like a baby.” Like literally, a baby. I think Elise is planning on diapering Chelsie and putting her to bed with a bottle. Because “she literally seems like a baby”. Literally. She’s not a baby. She’s a little girl.

Someone literally needs an education on the definition of “literal.”

Do You Trust Me?
Chelsie and JP’s date begin with some rocking out to Venezuelan music in the car and eating at a Venezuelan cafe. Of course, Chelsie loves it all, because who is dumb enough to be all “your homeland’s food is SHIT, Mr. Pablo!”? ((eye roll))

And what’s better than stuffing your stomach with unusual food and then hooking yourself up to tandem bungie jump off of a huge bridge?

But, Chelsie, do you trust me?

Here are some possible responses JP could have when Chelsie freaks her shit about having to JUMP OFF A FUCKING BRIDGE:

- How are you doing?
- Do you want to do this?
- It’s okay if you don’t want to do this.
- It won’t ruin the date if you choose not to risk your life.
- Look at me, I’m here. It’s okay.
- I’ll do whatever you want to do.
- Don’t worry about it. If you don’t want to do it, it’s okay.
- Just do it for me.

Wait a fucking second. WHAT?! “Just do it for me”?! Jesus H. Christ Juan Pablo, could you SOUND any more fucking peer pressure date rapey just then?! Ugh.

Needless to say, Chelsie denies her instinct to, ya know, NOT DIE, and instead jumps off a fucking bridge. For a dude.

Way to go, Chelsie.

But shit, she does get an upside-down first kiss, so there’s that.

After they blow Venezuelan chucks, the couple has dinner at the beautiful Pasadena City Hall Building where they are serenaded by (fill in the blank with random band that I’ve never ever heard of before).

Have any of you EVER heard of any of the bands that play on The Bachelor/ette??

Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Cocktail Cliffs Notes
JP begins the day by surprising the girls with breakfast. As one would imagine, all the girls flip their shit about having to see JP with no makeup and not having brushed their hair or teeth. Needless to say, JP would probably send me packing if he saw me with no spackle, I mean, makeup.

After breakfast, JP decides to shake things up some more by scrapping the cocktail party for a pool party! I’m pretty sure this is just so JP can see the women practically naked.

And, I’m sorry, but once again what THE HELL is up with Cassandra’s clothing choice?!

IMG_0001

I mean, really. First, that color. Is she colorblind?! And that floral pattern? AND THE DESIGN OF THE SUIT?!?

We need to have an intervention, y’all.

Girlfriend needs some help.

And even better, Kat finds an accessory that all the girls wish they could score…

JP’s head in her crotch.

IMG_0002

That’s better than those bedazzled vag tattoos right there. I mean, he seems…comfy? And also appears to enjoy going for a high-five in order to do an unintentional boob grab graze.

Totally unintentional.

And, of course, all the girls start freaking out, including oh-so-secure Clare. And who better to console her than Saint Renee. Seriously, that girl deserves a Masters in Social Work after being a part of this season. I’m pretty sure there would be suicides this season if it weren’t for Renee.

After swimming around in the herpes-infested waters for what seemed like hours, it’s finally time for the rose ceremony…

Here are the standings after this week:
bachelorettes

Free Spirit Lucy and Who Is That Christy got sent packing. I sure will miss all those “Did you see I’m not wearing a bra or shoes?” moments with Lucy. She seems so…authentic?

Next/This/You’ve Probably Already Watched It Week on The Bachelor: everyone travels to South Korea, Sharleen “impresses” us with some opera singing, bitches be cray cray.

“Because that’s what life is about. Straddling people. And things.”

18 Jan

We begin last this week’s episode with some sort of space-time-continuum issue because the editors skip the date card reading and go straight in to Clare racing out the door for her date with JP.

Seriously, my new friendo and Bach buddy, who herein will be referred to as 8-Mile, and I were freaking out and rewinding roughly one billion times to make sure we didn’t miss a single, precious second of the wonder that is Bach.

clare_headshotLet’s Chill
Anywho and whatnot, Clare (aka: She Who Shall Be There At The End) is off on a date with *sigh* Juan Pablo. While getting ready for her date, we learn a few things about Clare: (1) She likes Old Navy (I totally have that sequined tank she was wearing) and (2) girlfriend tears up a little too easily when discussing her love-life.

Don’t get me wrong, I would TOTALLY do the same thing. But I also wouldn’t be on a televised dating show.

So, the date begins with JP driving up in his obligatory very expensive sports car and presenting a blindfold for our dear Clare. All the other Bachelorettes immediately go all 50 Shades of Grey in their minds and are insane with jealousy.

Sidenote: Was I the only one thinking “What about all her makeup?! And her hair?!? Does he have no respect for the five hours she just spent getting ready for the date?” Lord knows, I would look like a fucking raccoon if I had a blindfold on me for that long.

After a relatively short drive, JP reveals a magical winter wonderland in the middle of L.A. We’re talking snow, vintage streetlights, and even a snowy hill for sledding! Oh, after he has Clare jump on his back for a piggy back ride.

Um, yes, please. Like five minutes in to the date and she already has her legs wrapped around him?! Score!

So blah, blah, blah, they have a great time sledding, snuggling, ice skating (if you can call Clare falling down on her ass every five seconds “ice skating”) and making snowmen.

As if watching JP be all cuddly and awesome wasn’t enough, then the couple get in to the hot tub and start massages…while discussing Clare’s dead father. ‘Cause, romantic!

Unsurprisingly, Clare gets the date rose and begins making out with JP.

Is this season like soft core porn or what? In a good way, of course. Pretty much anytime I see JP touch one of the girls, at least one egg gets released from my ovary. And that’s being conservative.

 

Meanwhile, back at the mansion…
While Clare is enjoying her Snowy Surprise, Amish Gone Wild has revealed that apparently she left her bikini tops at home and is just flinging her bewbies around for all to see. Jesus, what is this girl’s deal? Need attention much?

 

kat_headshotI Can Feel The Electricity
True to Bachelor style, Kat and JP go galavanting off in a private jet. Because tots obvs, that’s really what real life is like. I can’t even count how many times Mr. Bee has hired a private jet to fly me all over the world on date night.

Hint: none times.

Kat, on the other hand, seems to think this is TOTALLY what her life with JP, her Latin lover, will be like.

eyeroll.

Mid-flight, JP excuses himself and returns looking like a rave just threw up on him. But of course he still looks sexy because duh. Kat is very “oh but I don’t have anything to wear…!” Well, SURPRISE! JP has a skin-tight little number for her to wear as well!

Meanwhile, after the pilots get done vomiting over the adorableness happening behind them, they land the plane in…

Salt Lake City, Utah?

Uh, really? No offense to SLC, but…really?

But wait! It’s the location of an Electric Run! (FYI to local peeps: there is one coming up in August in Puyallup!)

Side bar, people. So I went to the Electric Run website to get that information, and this is the header for the “Seattle” run in August 2014.

electricrun_1

There are so many things wrong with this picture. First of all, that is NOT where Seattle is. Secondly, the race isn’t even being held IN Seattle. It’s in a city 30 miles south of it. Just because you are holding an event in Washington, doesn’t mean it should automatically has “Seattle” in the name.

Lastly, and probably most importantly, that yellow dot on the map? It’s right in the middle of a mountain range/rainforest. At least two hours away from where the race is actually taking place.

electricrun_2

Ugh. Okay, end rant.

Alright, where were we? Oh, yeah, the 5k dance party thing. It looks super fun! I mean, what part of grinding up on JP DOESN’T sound fun to you?

Blah, blah lots of dancing on stage. She gets the date rose. The end.

 

Screen Shot 2014-01-18 at 3.54.28 PM

Group Date with Chelsie, Christy, Kellie, Cassandra, Andi, Renee, Lauren, Ally, Chantel, Nicki, Elise, Lucy

Say Cheese
This group of girls were attacking this date like a horde of zombies in a…brain factory. Okay, that wasn’t my strongest analogy.

After a short ride in the crouch vans, the girls arrive at a lovely and romantic…warehouse. But wait, there’s more. The clever little clue on the date was to indicate a photo shoot for charity. Some guy who doesn’t realize that he has a teal goatee directs the woman back to meet their co-models (cute dogs) and see their costumes.

This is where it gets fun. See, some of the girls get to wear bikinis or extravagant ball gowns. Others, like Amish Goes Wild, gets assigned to a giant fire hydrant costume.

Screen Shot 2014-01-18 at 4.25.28 PM

Others apparently got to wear black face.

The big problem came when the first grade teacher and prosecuting attorney got assigned…signs.

Literally, nothing but signs.

Needless to say, they were NOT happy. First Grade Teacher eventually swaps with Amish Gone Wild, because obviously AGW would happily be naked 24/7.

Unfortunately, Prosecutor just gets screwed but after JP gives her a pep talk, she stereotypically changes her own desires for a dude. That she just met. On television. Hrmph.

But let’s cut to the chase. I know you all want to hear the run-down of crazy crazy Victoria. As if her chartreuse dress on Day One wasn’t enough, she decided to display her vodka-induced insanity for all to see.

“I just got here…I’m not hammered! I’ve had not even one glass of champagne. This is how I am sober. I’m just fun sober. And if anybody knows anything, Juan Pablo seems to love fun.”

“If Juan Pablo just so happens to be mine, I’m gonna straddle him EVERY DAY! Cuz that’s what life is about. Straddling people. And things.”

In regards to her photo shoot: “Today I gave him the hymen maneuver. I saved his life. If I should totally get a rose for that. Everyone’s like, ‘oh you straddled Juan Pablo’. If you do the hymen maneuver and someone’s laying down and dying, you have to straddle them!”

Now remember, what follows was in NO WAY provoked. Seriously, NOTHING happened except a LOT of alcohol being consumed.

Victoria runs off to the women’s bathroom, followed by Saint Renee, and locks herself in a stall. St. Renee crawls under the stall door to check on her:

Oh, wait. I can transcribe what she said because most of it was totally garbled nonsense.

The poor producers are then stuck with an irate drunk chick yelling that she’s “Done. Done. Done.” while attempting to stop her from leaving, totally intoxicated, without shoes.

So what does she do? Runs back to the bathroom to lock herself in the stall.

Poor JP attempts to console her through the restroom door, but all she does is cry in the stall. And so ends a lovely group date. Oh, and thank GOD JP didn’t give the rose to Victoria. Phew! Kelly (black face dog) got the date rose.

The next day, when Victoria is all sobered off, JP kindly, but sternly, sends her packing (off to a rehab facility, one hopes).

Also discussed: Marvin the Martian has a two year old son (JP is thrilled). Renee has a son and is totally adorable.

Cocktail Cliffs Notes
Amy acts a fool while pretending to interview JP as a news reporter.

Sharleen apologizes for being rude to JP when he gave her the first impression rose.

Despite being absolutely gorgeous, Danielle wore some disgusting gold lame (the fabric, but it was also lame) long-sleeved, floor-length gown.

Marvin the Martian has a good cry about leaving her son and is consoled by Saint Renee.

Current Standings

bachelorettes

 
Next week: Oh good, more dates with bridges to jump of off.

The Stalker’s Blessing

16 Jan

Okay, I’ve tried my best to keep my big, HUGE, RIDICULOUSLY AWESOME news to myself until I recap this week’s episode of The Bachelor, but I just can’t hold it in any longer.

That’s what he said?

My story begins about a month or so ago when Mr. Bee invited me to go on a business trip with him. See, Mr. Bee is a Vice President within his company and occasionally he gets to go to this Executive Summit thingy in pretty awesome locations. The last one I went to was BC (Before Children) and we stayed at a beautiful resort on Coronado Island off of San Diego.

I wasn’t sure if I would make the effort to attend this year’s meeting (buying plane tickets, finding sitters for the kids/dogs – oh, yeah, we have two puppies now!) until I found out where the meeting was located this year…

photo courtesy of www.luxuryhotels.com

Holy balls, guys.

 

No joke, people. We are staying at the Fairmont Biltmore in Santa Barbara! “What’s so fancy about that?” you ask. Well, first of all, the CHEAPEST room you can book there is…wait for it…SEVEN HUNDRED DOLLARS A NIGHT!

I don’t know about YOU, but this will be, without a doubt, the nicest and most expensive hotel I have ever stayed in…and it’s FREE!!

The reason I tell you this isn’t to brag (okay, it’s to brag a <i>little</i>). You see, a few days ago, Mr. Bee received an email from work about Things To Know Before You Go. Like the closest airports, where to park, dress codes on any particular evening.

What really caught my eye, however, was at the very bottom of the page.

Screen Shot 2014-01-16 at 8.40.56 AM

 

Okay, so big deal, right? After perusing the email, I didn’t give any of the info much thought.

But wait a second…

A wedding on January 26th? That’s a Sunday. Huh. Kinda weird, but not really.

But didn’t I know of some other wedding happening on a Sunday sometime soon?

It took me a little while, because, let’s be honest, I’m not the brightest bulb in the lamp store. Did you figure it out already?

photo courtesy of www.people.com

ohmahgod ohmahgod ohmahgod

 

I shit you not, folks.

I am going to be staying AT THE SAME HOTEL AS THE LIVE BACHELOR WEDDING OF SEAN AND CATHERINE!!!

I’ll let that sink in for a moment.

Holy fuck, amiright?!

AND since the wedding is being live telecast on ABC, I even know WHEN to expect the wedding to begin (about four hours after our arrival at the resort).

So, needless to say, I will be blogging the SHIT out of this thing! And attempting my very best to get photos, video, a lock of hair from Juan Pablo and/or Chris and/or Arie (oh yes ladies, THEY WILL ALL BE THERE!).

Okay, I am freaking myself out again right now. My heart pretty much has a seizure, my brain is melting and my ovaries exploding at the very THOUGHT of seeing JP, Chris, Arie, Chris Harrison in person…

Jesus Christ, people. I need some advice! What do I wear? What do I say if I happen to meet someone of Bachelor/ette lore? How can I possibly infiltrate the event without (1) tossing my underwear at JP, (2) getting arrested, (3) getting Mr. Bee fired, or (4) all of the above?

momtobee_signature

 

 

 

Song title: The Stalker’s Blessing by Dawn

“Me gustaría una rosa, por favor.”

15 Jan

Ladies and Gentlemen…
bachelor_header

Just in case you happen to live under a rock, this season’s Bachelor is Juan Pablo, the sexy latin sexy hot McHotterson who is, uh, super duper sexy.

Please take a minute to appreciate him and all his glory…

jp

It may not translate through the laptop screen, but this dude makes me ovulate when I watch an episode. Like, my friends and I almost feel like watching the Bach this season together is somehow inappropriate because every scene featuring Juan Pablo, herein referred to as JP because I am way to fucking lazy to type that shit out every two seconds, is so ridiculously attractive and leg-hump-able that he’s turned my favorite weekly show into my own version of 50 Shades of Gray.

Cincuenta sombras de Juan Pablo.

Yum.

Anywho, apparently there are some stupid whores who are attempting to date MY BOYFRIEND JP. I guess I should probably talk about them too.

Whores.

Below are all 27 ladies who started this season (which began a few weeks ago). The photo are courtesy of ABC but I’ve added what I believe to be very insightful commentary on each of these prospective future ex-fiancees of JP.

victoria valerie sharleen renee nikki maggie lucy laurenS laurenH lacy kylie kelly kat elise danielle clare christy christine chelsie chantel cassandraashley andi amyL amyJ alli alexis

 

If you have made it this far, kudos, my friend.

Stick around this season, but I have some EARTH-SHATTERING news coming up on the blog very, very soon. Like my brain has melted out of my ears because I have the best freaking Bachelor-oriented news ever. Just wait. It’s…wait for it… legendario.

“I can’t use ‘It’s not you, it’s me,’ because it’s obvious going to be them.”

11 Jan

Toot! Toot! All aboard the crazy train! Be prepared for a serious train wreck because this week…

THE BACHELOR IS BACK!!!

This season’s Bachelor is Sean. You might remember Sean from falling in love with Emily last year on the Bachelorette. He is 29 years old, from Dallas, Texas and apparently loves (1) being shirtless, and (2) v-neck tee shirts.

Seriously, this guy must buy them in bulk from the Gap.

To be honest, I was kind of drifting off until what to my wondering eyes should appear but my old television boyfriend, Arie, also from Emily’s season!

Be still my heart!

Oh delicious Arie. God, he was gorgeous. Like sweet jesus smoking hot. He apparently gave him a lot of good/hilarious advice to Sean during his visit, including how to kiss with your whole body, but to be honest, I was too busy licking my television screen to pay attention.

Since this episode is chock full of crazy ladies, so I’ll do my best to introduce you to this season’s “contestants” (and, of course, our lovely Bachelor, too):

Sean-Lowe.fw

Amanda.fw

AshLee-F..fw

Ashley-H..fw

Ashley-P..fw

Brooke.fw

Catherine.fw

Daniella.fw

Desiree.fw

Diana.fw

Jackie.fw

Kacie.fw

Katie.fw

Kelly.fw

Keriann.fw

Kristy.fw

Lacey.fw

Lauren.fw

Lesley.fw

Lindsay.fw

Paige.fw

Robyn.fw

Sarah.fw

Slema.fw

Taryn.fw

Tierra.fw

This season on The Bachelor: Ambulances and crying are always a good sign.

Program Director

2 May

As my parenting techniques consist mostly of PBS, Disney Jr, Nick Jr and whatever other “Jr.”s are out there, I’ve been increasingly annoyed at an abundance of kids programming on tv. Here are just a few things I’ve noticed:

- As I’ve posted on Facebook, Dino Dan is obviously suffering from a psychotic break and desperately needs to be on anti-hallucinogenic medication. The only redeeming feature of this show is how totally annoyed the adults seem to be with Dan and his dinosaur obsession.

- As proof of Dino Dan’s ridiculousness of a show, please view exhibit #1: the worst ventriloquist EVER.

- If Little Bear’s parents are fully clothed in human clothing, why do they let their child run around naked everywhere?

- On that note, why does Special Agent Oso wear full pajamas for sleeping, but rocks out with his, um, bear out only wearing a vest when on his special missions?

- Sid the Science Kid’s family is obviously on mushrooms.

- How do the Bubble Guppies light campfires underwater?

- Does the map on Dora the Explorer have short term memory loss or OCD? If no, then why does he have to repeat “I’m the map!” 800 times per episode? Is it some sort of behavioral therapy?

- The writers of Strawberry Shortcake really need to peruse the Urban Dictionary: last week Strawberry sat down at a cafe and ordered a “tossed salad”. She then was very specific about how she liked her “tossed salad”.

- LazyTown is the shit nightmares are made of.

- Dear Super Why, You can’t just CHANGE fairy tales to fit your stupid problem. Changing the words/story negates whatever stupid lesson they are trying to teach you in the first place! Dumb ass.

- Stitch, from Lilo & Stitch, is the WORST role model for children in a movie EVER! I’d rather have my children watch Saw.

- Finally, of course, the #1 mystery plaguing children’s television: why the hell doesn’t Cailou have any hair?? And is every character on the show related because they are all the exact same person, with different hair.

So those are mine. What kid’s shows confuse/irritate/drive you to drink and why?

Song title: Program Director by Oars of Evolution

“I’ve had this feeling about Courtney from the beginning…”

12 Mar

Yeah, it’s called a boner, Ben.

Episode nine opens on Ben packing to head to Switzerland, pondering each of his relationships with the final three contenders.

After arriving in Switzerland, Ben cruises the streets, in search of either the ladies or strangers to murder in his O.J. Simpson gloves.

Upon arriving in Interlaken, Nicki and Ben take a (gasp) HELICOPTER ride through the Alps. After a failed assassination attempt by the helicopter pilot, the two have a (gasp) PICNIC on a mountain top. There was a little kissing, a little screaming, a little climbing out of a hovering helicopter on to a skinny ass pillar of earth, millions of thousands of feet up in the air.

At dinner, in a rustic Swiss log cabin, dinner begins when Ben pulls out Nicki’s stump for her. My money is on Ben pushing his stump in by the end of the night.

HEY-OOOOOOOO!!

Fast forward five minutes and Ben is presenting Nicki with a booty call fantasy date card, which she quickly accepts. One fantasy suite and bubbly hot tub later, one can imagine that a little bow chica wow wow came Nicki’s way.

The next day, Ben greeted Lindzi in Interlaken with a post-coital glow. In true adrenaline-junky style, Ben and Lindzi rappel 300 feet (that’s a fucking FOOTBALL FIELD in length) down into a crevice. Idiots.

Cut to a hot tub and discussing how much Lindzi’s has opened up to Ben. I bet she’ll be opening up tonight.

HEY-OOOOOOO!!!

Okay, new drinking game: every time Lindzi says “I got my heart broken a year ago” we drink a glass of turpentine.

I’m pretty sure my heart just totally melted seeing Ben’s face when Lindzi admitted to falling in love with him. It’s like that wall he’s had up that has hidden that dorky, hilarious guy from last season has been broken down.

And then they get ready to do the nasty.

Coming off another booty call, Ben meets up with Courtney, but has some issues with the shit-tacular way that Courtney, aka: whoreface, has treated the other women.

After a train ride, the couple walks through a village, shopping for fruit, bread and Swiss cheese (otherwise known as “cheese” in Switzerland). Then they stop for a (gasp) PICNIC ride next to some cows and we learn the rules of Ben and his sister’s game: Hey Cow!

1. Find a cow.
2. Scream “HEY COW!” as loud as you can.
3. If the cow looks at you, you win.

Awesomesauce times infinity.

Okay, NEW drinking game: every time Courtney is on-screen, you scream “HEY COW!” Everybody wins.

Later, at dinner, Ben confronts Courtney about being a whoreface to the other women and (puke) Ben actually admits that he has fallen in love with her. Has ANY Bachelor/ette admitted that prior to the finale?!

Puke times two: he presents Courtney with the booty call card (also known as sloppy THIRDS), which she accepts, after making Ben proclaim his feelings first, of course.

After screwing his third lady in a row, there’s a knock at the door…

It’s our Beloved Kacie B.!

I think Ben’s reaction is fitting: “Holy shit!”

You can tell right off the bat that Kacie is terribly nervous and, while shaking, she proceeds to ask Ben for answers, why she was sent home and what changed.

In a nice Ben-type way, he basically said that Kacie’s family is fucked up and he didn’t want to get involved in that.

After she gets her heart broken all over again, she tells Ben that she doesn’t want to see him get hurt and that Courtney is a whoreface who is in it to win it.

It’s a pretty said moment where both of them look like they are about to bust in to tears at any given moment.

Mother fucker, now *I’m* tearing up. I really love Kacie B.

A conflicted Ben sits down next with our beloved host, Chris Harrison, and you can immediately tell that he is a troubled man. Finally, the roses go to…

…Lindzi (thank god!).

…and…Courtney.

Wah wah waaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Poor Nicki. I hope that Nicki and Kacie egg Courtney’s house when they get back to the States.

This goddamn show has made me cry TWICE tonight. Goddamn you, Ben.

“Here, let me take the whip.”

20 Feb

Flirting in Florida
Super squinty Lindzi opens week eight with Ben in Washington. Because she lives in Bellevue, right?

Nope, we’re in Florida. With spurs on. And horses with Mohawks.

And discussing walls coming down. Emotional walls, we’re not talking Berlin, people.

I would recap more, but let’s be honest, all the conversations at this point are pretty unremarkable and repetitive.

“I’m ready to get married.”

“I never thought I’d go in to this dating show and actually want to date someone.”

“It was so hard for me after (fill in the blank). I never thought I’d be ready to love again.”

Tense Times in Tennessee

After Lindzi’s hometown, Ben travels to Bible Belt Ville to meet Casey’s family. However, once Ben, the winemaker, learns that Casey’s dad, the probation officer, doesn’t drink…the nerves are rattled.

Casey admits to her sister that (1) she wants to marry Ben and (2) doesn’t think there is a chance in hell that her parents are going to be accepting because they are total squares.

And, wow, was Casey right. Her parents total fucked that over for her. Casey told her dad that she would say yes if Ben asked her today to marry her. Casey’s dad response is “I would tell him no if he asked for my approval.”

I’m going to start writing hate mail to Casey’s parents as soon as this episode is over. I hope Ben doesn’t let Casey’s douchey parents sway him from how he feels for perfect Casey!

Tonsil Hockey in Texas
Nicki welcomes Ben to Fort Worth and the couple begin the hometown date by shopping at Elmer Fudd’s Bootatorium. After some tonsil hockey in the park, the couple head to Nicki’s house, which looks exactly like Casey’s family. Is this some Southern thing? The short, military-esque white hair on the dads with spiky, too short hair on mom?

And what a sleeper Nicki has been?! This whole season I’ve been wondering what the hell Ben has seen in Nicki, but what a sweetheart! Totally like her after this week.

Psychosis in Scottsdale
Courtney cuts to the chase in Arizona and the couple get right to lunch with the folks. I quickly notice that Courtney’s mom is VERY similar to Courtney, even to the point of doing the same facial expression and should shrugs. To the camera, Courtney’s mom said that she doesn’t buy Courtney’s expression of love for Ben. I’m guessing because she realizes that her daughter is a sociopath.

Soon, my ears are bleeding with all the baby talk coming from Courtney and her anorexic mother. Seriously, people. SO annoying.

Ben and Courtney decide to talk a walk after lunch and Courtney leads Ben towards…a park…set up for a wedding ceremony.

Of course. Because what else would a budding actress/psychopath do to show someone how they feel about them.

And, yes, Courtney pulls out notebooks for vows, a bow tie for Ben and…an officiant. Holy fuck balls.

So then they exchange vows. And rings. And Courtney says that she’s in love with Ben.

Puke.

I bet a trillion dollars that the first thing Courtney says to the other girls when she sees them next is “Ben and I got (fake) married!”

Contemplating with Chris
For like the first time this season, we get to see some behind-the-scenes with our beloved host, Chris Harrison. Despite getting really excited for this confessional time, really we just got a recap of the last hour and a half.

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn.

And the roses go to…

…Courtney.

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!

…Lindzi.

…and…

Please be Casey please be Casey please be Casey…

…Nicki.

Parents, please remove your children from the room.

MOTHER FUCKING ASSHOLE DOUCHE BAG WHORE LOVING SON OF A BITCH!!!

Who has two thumbs and hates Ben’s guts now?

::THIS GIRL::

This week’s lesson: Ben is at idiot and Courtney is still a dirty whore.

Next week: the party starts in Switzerland and someone comes back to freak out Ben.

“The Blue Hole”

20 Feb

Week leading up to home town dates.

Despite the promo, I seriously do not buy that there is going to be some serious talk between Ben and Courtney. I’m sure he’s just gonna tell her how much he wants to fuck her in the water again. Ugh.

As I rinse the chunks of vomit out of my mouth, this week opens in Belize and the biggest mansions they have ever stayed in. B-E-A-utiful!

Does it bug anyone else that Lindzi is all “country”? You’s from Bellevue, yo. Roughing it for you is probably going to Factoria for Nordstrom Rack.

Chris Harrison, our sweet, beloved, and-too-bad-he’s-married host, tells us immediately that there will be THREE one-on-one dates and one group date, but the only date rose will be available on the group date.

Date #1
Lindzi, two halves make a whole.

Jesus, cue the crying already. What is the deal with this Nicki chick? I mean, I get the emotional drama and all, but could you wait for like the ten minute mark of the episode before breaking down in hysterics?

At least some of the other girls can fake a smile when they see Ben arrive to pick up Lindzi. Poor Nicki has “I just smelled a load of dog shit” face.

Once again, Sweet Ben takes a terrified-of-heights beauty to…wait for it…jump out of a helicopter in to a gaping huge blue hole in the ocean. Because, I mean, who wouldn’t want to do that?

::this guy::

After jumping in the water, the two apparently kissed for hours until dinner time. They come upon a pillow picnic on a dock and Lindzi exclaims, “Is this for us?!”

Really, Sherlock? No, that candle-lit picnic surrounded by cameramen? For some other couple.

While, on paper, I think Lindzi and Ben are really good for each other, but I don’t see the chemistry that he has with Casey B.

After dinner, the couple writes a fairytale based on each other and send the note off in the ocean in a glass bottle.

Date #2
Emily, do you Belize in love?
As Emily departs on a plane to meet up with Ben, Courtney begins her “ugh, Emily is so dumb” tirade, which is getting old. But, you know, COURTNEY is getting old by now. Send that bitch packing!

After the plane ride, Ben and Emily ride bicycles through town, play some pick up basketball, go for a walk holding hands, shopping, and dancing.

Upon arriving at a dock-side lobster vendor, the couple find out that all the lobsters have been sold, would they like to go on this SUPER SPONTANEOUS snorkeling trip to kill lobsters?

Oh em gee, that was like SO spontaneous…

Back at the house, Courtney is whining about Ben going on a date with Emily and not, I don’t know, beat Emily up like Chris Brown and Rihanna because Emily insulted Courtney about five weeks ago.

Get. Over. It. Whore Face.

Back to the Lazy Lizard cantina, Emily and Ben sit down to dinner and discuss hometown dates…but wait! Emily brings up Courtney AGAIN! Jesus Christo! In a round-about way, Emily gets to answering “yes,” she would love for her family to meet him. Then they play some serious tonsil hockey.

Date #3
Courtney, Let’s take the next steps in our relationship.
Unfortunately, I have to prepare myself for a full ten minutes plus of pure Courtney screen time. I hope he gets to see the whore face come out.

Before I start vomiting from excessive eye rolls, Whore Face pretty much spends the initial picnic on a human sacrifice monument whining about how she wasn’t going to accept a rose from him if she didn’t get a one-on-one date. Basically, she grandly manipulates Ben yet again and now he “sees [his] life with this woman.”

Later, at dinner, Ben asks Courtney about her relationships with the other women. Her response basically identifies her as a dirty bitch who is a pathological liar. I mean, she has spent the whole time trying to compliment people and be so super nice?! Holy fuck balls. I want to hit Courtney in the face with a shovel.

Date #4
Rachel, Nicki and Casey, let’s sea whose family I will meet…
Ben sneaks in to the suite and wakes the girls up at ((gasp)) 4 o’clock in the morning. The girls are shocked by the early morning surprise and quickly shave their pits in the sink before boarding a catamaran in the ocean.

During a mimosa toast, Ben reveals that the date will include shark diving because roooooomantic, right?

So, do the producers ensure that none of the women are menstruating? Gross, I know, but that seems like a pretty important question.

After convincing herself that a $2.99 rose is worth swimming with motherfucking sharks, Rachel jumps in the water with Ben.

Unfortunately, all of them survive and they continue on to an afternoon loungy date.

((cue cookie cutter conversations about families and hometown dates))

Side note: Is there some weird gravitational issue with Belize and the girls boobs? Cuz they all look funk in those bikinis. Except Casey. She’s perfect.

And the date rose goes to Casey. Because, duh. I mean, I want to date Casey.

Shortly after the rose, Courtney has to, of course, hang out on the balcony above their date. Fuuuuuuuck. I hate her.

Cocktail…Awkwardness
Upon arriving to their cocktail hour(s), the girls discuss their nervousness and friendships, but Courtney proclaims that the girls are way too somber and that Ben is not the only guy in the world.

Really? Really?!

Though expecting Ben, out comes our lovely host who declares that there will not be a cocktail party this evening. They are going straight to the rose ceremony.

Before the roses, Ben decides to pull Courtney aside to discuss…

…whether or not she’s in it for Ben or not. She continues to spew her whoreface bile and I fear that Ben totally buys it, hook line and sinker.

And roses go to…

…Nicki…Lindzi…and Courtney.

HOLY MOTHER FUCKING JESUS CHRIST ON A POGO STICK ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!

Losing respect for Ben by the minute.

Somehow, getting axed by Ben made Rachel half-retarded/half-the Target lady from SNL…

Emily, on the other hand, marches off with her head held high and signs off hoping that Ben sees the douche bag behind the model face.

Next week, hometown dates and awkward conversations. I hate Courtney’s family already. Even her dad, Kenny Rogers.

“Is the steak on your dinner table just meat pieces glued together?”

9 Feb

This week’s post title brought to you by a local news channel’s promo during a Bachelor commercial break. WTF, amiright?

So this week’s episode started off with a bang; that bang being my head against my coffee table as I realized that my goddamn TiVo put Bachelor at the bottom of my priority list and didn’t start recording it.

We lost the first TWENTY minutes of this week’s episode.

I’ll let that sink in for a minute.

Fucking tragic, yo.

Luckily, my husband is both ingenious and a huge nerd and suggested that we enlist Arla-Shay’s husband (who was stuck with his TiVo also recording two hours of the Bachelor on Monday nights). So, I shit you not, we watched the first twenty minutes of the show on my laptop via Skype.

It was legend-waiting for it-dary.

Anywho, back to the important stuff. I wasn’t able to type and Skype so the first twenty minutes of this recap are very abbreviated.

Date #1
Casey B. got the first date. Because she is the cutest thing since sliced bread. And babies. And puppies. And baby puppies. Oh yeah, you just call those puppies…

Their date was a helicopter trip to a deserted island where they had to (gasp) just hang out with each other. Both of them were terrified, but it turned out well. Mostly because Ben is fracking HAWT machete-ing coconuts and Casey B. is, well, freaking adorable.

Later, over dinner, Casey B. confesses that she used to suffer from bulimia and anorexia (is that how she got so cute?), and Ben (of course) appreciates her “opening up to him” (heh heh, that’s what HE said…) and gives her smooches and the date rose.

Date #2
Courtney, Jamie, Nicki, Casey S., Emily, Lindzi
Look at that view (of the swamp filled with malaria)!
“I want to see something cultural,” says dumb white girl as they “stumble” upon village filled with kids in speedos.

Emily says Courtney is “classy” (sarcasm!) by going totally commando underneath her native garb. In my opinion, Courtney is a dirty dirty whore. Poe-tay-toe, Pah-tah-toe.
During the evening party of the date, Ben has a good talk with Lindzi and smooches a bunch. But seriously, could Ben please stop talking about skinny dipping with Courtney?! Puke.

Ben later sits down with Jamie, who is…wait, who is she? As she starts to spew her verbal diarrhea, Courtney decides to take a swim about ten feet away from them! And then, she lays down on a chaise lounge like FIVE feet away. Needless to say, Ben’s attention strayed from Jamie, and Jamie’s end game of frenching Ben was thwarted.

Emily had some one-on-one time with Ben where she confesses that she fell in love with the tribe’s chief at this afternoon’s village visit. HI-larious! Ben was totally sweating bullets during Emily‘s lead-in. Classic!

After her talk with Ben, Emily sits down with the rest of the ladies and apologizes to Courtney. Courtney’s response was…being a total bitch whoreface. Basically, Courtney tells Emily that she doesn’t “forgive and forget” and that she “has lost all respect for you” despite her numerous admissions of guilt (which, in my opinion, was totally unfounded. Mostly because Courtney is a fucking whore).

After telling Ben that they should “get together” (read: do the nasty) later tonight in her room, Courtney spends the evening getting dolled up and waiting, staring at her watch. Ben…didn’t show! Muuuuaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahaha! Love!

Date #3
Blakely & Rachel, Save the last dance for me + Dating Thunderdome
Ben take the two ladies to a dance club to learn salsa. After getting dressed in their Maraposa Rack gowns, the girls start their dance training with Ben and the dance coach. Shockingly, Blakely kind of kicks Rachel’s ass at the dancing, even though she looks like a trashy Vegas waitress. Oh wait, ISN’T she a trashy Vegas waitress??

Later that night, we see that Blakely forgot to pack her pants for dinner. In fact, I think she forgot to pack her shirt too. Looks like she’s wearing her satin bath robe at dinner.

Basically, both girls plead for Ben to keep them, Blakely more emotionally than Rachel. I was starting to get swayed by Blakely (I’m not a fan), but then she broke out the psycho stalker scrapbook. The P.S.S. (trademark!) documented in creepy cut-out magazine fragments their “relationship.”

Shockingly (saaaaaaarcasm), Ben gives the date rose to Rachel and sends Blakely packing straight away. As they hugged goodbye, you could almost see Ben struggling to remove Blakely’s talons from his back and shoulders. Sadly, Rachel seems to be turning in to kind of a bitch when she addresses the camera and wishes Blakely a “good flight home.”

Who died?
The moment we’ve I have been waiting for: finding out what the fuck the drama is with Casey S.! I won’t lie, I was kind of taking bets on who in her family kicked the bucket. Chris Harrison pulls C.S. out in the hallway before they start getting ready for the rose ceremony and tells her…

…that the producers know that she is still in love with her ex-boyfriend (who seems more like a CURRENT boyfriend) and after some ridiculous rambling, she finally admits to still being in love with “Michael”.

First of all, what was the deal with the big crying fits on the promo?! I was sure that her entire family was found to have been abducted by aliens and anally-probed.

Okay, now that we know that C.S. isn’t pregnant with an alien baby, what the FUCK is up with her acid-washed denim jumper?! Holy shit, yo. That was wiggidy wack. Who cares about “Michael”, get rid of that chick solely on that one fashion decision. Yuck.

Anywho, in a very (VERY) awkward moment, C.S. admits to the whole shebang and Ben says, sans emotion, that C.S. should go home. Then, while Ben stares longingly in to the ocean, C.S. whines about not being able to find love and Chris Harrison gives her a hug, pep talk, and a swift kick to the curb, Panamanian-style.

Cocktail Hour(s) and Rose Ceremony
I don’t know if Nicki speaking or Casey S. crying is MORE squeaky. Either way, I’d rather hear both on loop than Courtney having more screen time.

Okay, wait, Jamie attempting to seduce Ben was…holy shit…that was so ridiculously painful. Like squirmy on the couch, hands on face, bile rising in throat painful. Most awkward kisses in Bachelor history (plus the ripping of her dress when she straddled Ben’s lap? Hahaha!!).

After rising his mouth out with Clorox with Bleach, Ben gives a…

…rose to Nicki. (What does he see in her? No, seriously, will someone please tell me what he sees in her??)

…rose to Courtney (see Nicki parenthetical)

And the last rose tonight goes to…

…Emily (duh. I mean, did you really think that Jamie’s pseudo-Amish tantric kissing instruction was going to win over Ben?)

Next week on the Bachelor: everyone travels to Belize and it’s the pre-hometown episode. Looks like the girls finally tell Ben that Courtney is a bitchy whoreface. Can. Not. Wait.

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