As you would probably presume, watching approximately 712 primetime shows per week creates a need for a pretty structured television routine.

Take last night, for example.

Since it was Biggest Loser Night, special preparations had to be made.

Sure, some of you would make a special healthy snack of tofu or celery or whatever the hell you healthy people eat. Or maybe you squeeze yourself in to some spandex and workout while watching all the fatties inspirational contestants sweat to the oldies.

Mr. Bee and I, on the other hand, had to make a special run to the grocery store to prepare…

But don’t get me wrong. Each of these items had a very specific purpose:

1. Peanut Butter Cups.
Okay, these are just for the yummy factor.

2. Lifesavers.
If I’m gonna watch a bunch of 300+ pounders working out until they vomit, Lord knows I need something to suck on so that *I* don’t puke my guts out.

3. Sunny Delight.
What the hell I am supposed to wash down those peanut butter cups with?!

4. Pantyliners.
Have YOU tried sneezing without peeing yourself lately? That’s what I thought.

5. Huggies.
In case the pantyliners aren’t enough…

6. Chocolate & Vanilla Ice Cream with Cool Whip.
This is all Mr. Bee’s fault. He will chomp through these two boxes of ice cream in like two days. Seriously, if he was actually able to gain weight, he’d probably be a contender for Biggest Loser’s next season.

7. Ice cream sandwiches.
Well, I can hardly let Mr. Bee eat all that ice cream alone, right? What kind of wife would I be?! And let it be known that you can’t see the “only 100 calories” badge on the box. So what if I ate 12 of them. I’m eating for two now!

Song title: Bad Loser by The Sutherland Brothers

I know that tens of you are waiting for my way overdue recaps of the Amazing Race. Well, I finally (almost) caught up (okay, so I’m still two weeks behind. Shut up.)…

Check out these two newly posted recaps on my TiVo Junkie blog!

“Sean Penn Cambodia Here We Come!”

“I’m Like Ricky Bobby!”

Song title: Apologizing by Hate Dept.

Once again, I am totally behind schedule on my Amazing Race Amazing Recaps. But after a long AR marathon, episode 3 IS now up at Tivo Junkie and I’ll be working all day on episodes 4 & 5. Promise!

“Sean Penn Cambodia Here We Come”

Song title: 71 Year Recap by The Enkindels

Another week, another Amazing Race episode recap for your pure, unadulterated enjoyment.

I hope.

As the teams rested at their very first pit stop of the race, the pit stop itself did something it’s never done on any other season: it moved! The boat sailed? drifted? well, it moved down (or up, I suppose. Obviously I am very attuned to watercraft lingo) the river to an unknown destination. Once they docked, teams got their first clue as to where they were…

Click here to read more at my television blog, TiVo Junkie.

Due to my ridiculous stomach issues, it took me all friggin’ week to get the season premiere of The Amazing Race recapped. I promise this week will be full of much more interesting posts other than information about my butt.

But there might be some butt posts too. I won’t rule it out.

My beloved Amazing Race started it’s fifteenth season in the smog-filled beautiful streets of downtown Las Angeles. The race began in the LA River which, for anyone who has every scene it or movies such as “Grease”, is not really a river. It’s more of a dried up ditch full of, well, nothing. Except maybe prostitutes and homeless people. But I’m just guessing.

Before we begin our race for One MILLION Dollars, let’s meet our lovely (and also douchey) contestants…

Click here to read more at my television blog, TiVo Junkie.

Man, there are WAY too many good shows premiering soon! I shit you not, today my task is to make an Excel spreadsheet to figure out which shows will be TiVo’d in which room. Lest ye forget, I have three TiVo with the ability to record five shows at any given time. I have to tackle this shit with a serious game plan or my highly orchestrated television watching organization could crumble around us.

And that, my friends, would be devastating.

To me, at least. But I’ll pretend that you give a shit, too.

****************************************

Fall Television Schedule – 2009/2010 Season –

* * * * * * * * * *

Okay, so ABC is already making my knickers moist in anticipation of their Thursday Night line up. First, we get FlashForward. Have you seen the commercials for this show?! The premise is that every person in the world blacks out for 2 minutes and 17 seconds, at the exact same time, and during that period has flashs of their future (they hypothesize that it’s roughly 6 months in the future). One woman, who is happily married, sees a flash of herself in bed with another man (a man that she has never met). Another person doesn’t have a flash at all and fears that it means that he will have no future (i.e. be dead) in 6 months time.

Oh, and did I mention that it stars Joseph Fiennes and John Cho (of Harold & Kumar fame)?

~ ~ ~ drool ~ ~ ~

Next on the oh-my-god-I-can’t-wait line up is Grey’s Anatomy. I know not all of you are fans and I am even convinced that eventually one of the doctors (I won’t even limit it to a female doctor) will be impregnated with an alien baby.

But I won’t lie. I love it. Every ridiculous minute of it.

I was lucky enough to happen upon a sneak peek of the first five minutes of the season premiere. If you don’t want to read a spoiler regarding the first five minutes, don’t highlight the white text below:

In the first five minutes, there are definitely some twists and turns. George flatlines while Izzie is shocked back to life. Everyone deals with George’s passing differently and Dr. Torres immediately begins hyperventilating and freaking out. But when Dr. McSteamy and Lexie hear the “Joe Doe is George” rumor, things really begin to get twisty. Lexie enters the scrub room while the nurses are taking care of the body on the table (removing his socks). Lexie proclaims that the dead person is far too tall, it can’t be George!! What the what?!?!

Next up is Private Practice, the spin-off of Grey’s Anatomy. I, for one, have never been a super huge fan of the show, but I’ll watch it now and again if I’m really hard up for a Thursday night show. Which, as you’ll see, doesn’t happen often.

* * * * * * * * * *

Seriously, Thursday is by far my favorite night of the week as far as television goes. Survivor (colon) Samoa is one of the only shows that I’ve totally hooked Mr. Bee on, so every Thursday we hunker down to watch a group of sixteen(?) social misfits try to outwit, outplay and outlast each other. Somehow, even though they hardly EVER change things up on this show, I love it each and every season.

And how many of you watched the season premiere last week? What’s up with this Russell asshat? For those of you that don’t watch, this total King o’ the Douches thinks that anything with a vagina is devoid of any brain cells and is actually sabotaging his own teammates just to fuck with them. One evening, while all the other douches were asleep, this guy drank or dumped out every single canteen and then took some random dude’s socks and threw them in the fire!! For no reason!!

Personally, I’m hoping that they’ll have a new twist this season: tribal douche sacrifice.

Survivor is followed up by CSI (that’s Crime Scene Investigation for those of your living under a rock). I won’t lie, I tune in to this little gem every once and a while, but now that Grissom is gone, it just ain’t the same. And while I can totally suspend reality while I watch tv (the Hills is totally unscripted y’all!), I have a super big issue with CSI techs acting like cops and interrogating witnesses and shit. Am I the only one that thinks this is ridiculous? Aren’t CSI technicians glorified lab rats (I mean that in the best sense of the word, of course – I think that kind of work is fascinating, hence my addiction to all shows murder mystery relate)?

Last on the CBS Thursday line up is The Mentalist. Honestly, I refuse to watch the Mentalist for two reasons: (1) The one episode I watched sucked sweaty monkey balls, and (2) it’s a total rip-off of Psych on USA. And Psych is fucking hi-larious. And they even make references to the Mentalist being a rip-off every now and again on the show (I told you they were rad).

So watch Psych instead. You’ll thank me later.

* * * * * * * * * *

Okay, I’ve confessed before to my little naughty CW show obsession and it doesn’t stop at ANTM and 90210. I totally ::heart:: the newest Twilight rip-off, Vampire Diaries. Yes, yes, I’m a total hypocrite (see review of the Mentalist above), but there is nothing better than a show about a brooding, dark, handsome and mysterious hunk of burning (in hell) love being totally obsessed with you. I mean, you know, the girl in the show.

Yes, maybe I pretend I’m her every Thursday night. And yes, maybe I like to pretend that I don’t have my muffin top or stretch marks anymore and that some sexy ass vampire wants to do me. Sue me, okay. (PS: You know you totally do it, too).

Continuing the night o’ mysterious hot dudes, Supernatural debuted it’s fifth season a few weeks ago. While I’m not a huge fan of the show, I can’t say anything bad about something that features Denny from Grey’s Anatomy. I don’t care if the guy is dying from a stroke or a supernatural ghosty thing, that dude is haaawt.

* * * * * * * * * *

Oh, Bones. How I love thee. Bones is yet another murder mystery show (my TiVo schedule is heavy with them), but I don’t know if there is another couple on tv like Dr. Temperance Brennan and Special Agent Seeley Booth. And come on, David Boreanaz is a looker, right? *sigh* I must have some deep seated love for (ex)vampires, huh?

Anywho, so Brennan and Booth solve crimes together with help from their misfit band of lab techs. Which is all good, but tell the truth: we’re all wondering when Temperance and Seeley are going to “bone”, right? I know I am!

After Bones is the second season of Fringe. I tried to watch last season mostly because I got some of the best television quotes from this show, such as: “Oh, I just pissed myself. Just a squirt!”

I mean, really folks. Does it get any better than that? If you liked X-files and Pacey on Dawson’s Creek, then this show is definitely for you.

* * * * * * * * * *

I don’t think there is a night that NBC hits it out of the park as well as on Thursdays.

Wait, did that sentence make *any* sense?

Yeah, I didn’t think so. It’s getting late, what can I say?

For a few weeks, Thursdays on NBC will feature SNL (colon) Weekend Update Thursday. Last week’s was pretty good, but it does make me miss Amy Poehler in regular SNL sketches. But I’ll take any little bit of “Seriously?! with Seth & Amy” that I can.

Next up is Parks and Recreation and despite my aforementioned love of all things Poehler, I’ve never really gotten in to this show. Maybe I’ll try to hit it again this season and see if it floats my boat yet, because it could never meet up to the hilarity that is…

The Office! Oh, crazy Michael Scott, lovable Jim, adorable (and pregnant this season!) Pam. And who could forget differently-abled Kevin and alcoholic Meredith? Did you see the episode last season (?) where the new HR lady actually thought that Kevin was retarded?! Fucking comedic genius, yo. The Office has me laughing so hard that Mr. Bee usually has to pause the TiVo and tell me to shut up because he can’t hear the dialog over my cackling.

Rounding up our Thursday night is the new Joel McHale show, Community. The premise is that Jeff (Joel McHale) is a pretty cut-throat attorney who has just been outed as having a fake undergraduate degree from the Internet. To prevent himself from being disbarred, he has enrolled in a community college to earn his degree and go back to work. The show, featuring Chevy Chase (from, well, everything), John Oliver (from the Daily Show) and newcomer Danny Pudi as the aspergers-esque Abed, is down right hilarious awesomeness. And you can quote me on that.

* * * * * * * * * *

The Final Thursday Night Rundown

New Shows This Season:
FlashForward
Vampire Diaries
Community

Thumbs Up:
Grey’s Anatomy
Survivor: Samoa
Bones
SNL: Weekend Update Thursday
The Office

Thumbs Down:
Private Practice
CSI
The Mentalist
Supernatural
Fringe
Parks and Recreation

Song title: I Was Confused (About The Television Set) by Ten Hands

It wasn’t until this week when I realized that these premieres are just around the corner! Some already debuted last week! Arg!! Here is another segment of the Fall Show Preview!!

Fall Television Schedule – 2009/2010 Season – Wednesday Nights

* * * * * * * * * *

ABC’s Wednesday line-up is all brand new, starting off on a bad note (in my opinion) with the debut of Hank. Kelsey Grammar stars as Hank Pryor who is a legendary entrepreneur who loses his CEO job and is forced to move out of New York City and back to the sticks with his family. ABC is definitely playing off of today’s economy with the story line and I’m guessing that if you like Kelsey Grammar, you might like Hank.

I, on the other hand, do not. I find Grammar to be the epitome of annoying. In fact, I can’t even believe that he’s on yet another show. But hell, Two and a Half Men is in it’s seventh season this year, so maybe there is something to this washed-up annoying actor casting thing?

Following my own personal hell on earth Hank, The Middle debuts, starring Patricia Heaton and Chris Kattan.

It’s almost like ABC is trying to get me to watch another station on Wednesday. Speaking of annoying actors, Patricia Heaton definitely falls in to that category for me. I loved her in Everybody Loves Raymond, but something about those commercials she was always in or all the horrible television shows she’s attempted since, I am not looking forward to this show, which features her as a “loving wife and mother of three, she’s middle class in the middle of the country and is rapidly approaching middle age.” Yawn.

After the snooze-fest of the 8 o’clock hour, ABC finally will attempt to redeem themselves with Modern Family. From the commercials, this show looks hilarious. It features three different couples (all related somehow, I believe) and stars Al Bundy himself (Ed O’Neill) as Jay and Julie Bowen as Claire. Here is a rundown of the couples (from the ABC website):

“Jay recently married Gloria. Now Jay is trying hard to keep up with his much younger and hotter Colombian wife, along with her passionate pre-teen son, Manny. Claire is having a hard time raising her own family. Her husband Phil is great, except that he thinks he’s “down” with their three kids, much to all their embarrassment. And, Mitchell and his enthusiastic partner Cameron have just made a major life change by adopting a Vietnamese baby named Lily.”

I’m hoping that this show lives up to it’s funny promos. I’ll keep my fingers crossed.

I think most of us by now have heard of Courtney Cox’s new show, Cougar Town. Cox plays a recent divorcee who must enter in to the meat-market-esque world of dating at the ripe age of 40, well, something. The promos and commercials look funny, but this is a show that I worry might not live up to the hype.

Last on ABC’s Wednesday line-up, because God forbid anything old NOT be remade, is a modern rendition of “The Witches of Eastwick” or simply Eastwick. For the four of you that haven’t ever seen the original movie, this show will focus on three very different, but strangely similar women who live in the hamlet of Eastwick. Despite their differences, they become friends and begin to discover some very “unusual” talents. Enter a strange, dark and handsome new man to town with talents of his own, and wacky hijinks and mystery ensue.

* * * * * * * * * *

CBS starts it’s Wednesday night with another season of New Adventures of Old Christine. It originally took me a while to watch Christine and while it’s not high on the To-Record priority list, it definitely gets a Season Pass and a Thumbs Up from me. I lurv Julia Louise-Dreyfus, who plays a divorcee raising her son Richie with the help of her ex-husband (who is in a relationship with a NEW woman named Christine, hence the “Old Christine” title), her brother, Matthew, (who is HI-larious and darn cute, too) and her best friend, Barb (played by Wanda Sykes).

NAOOC is cute, light-hearted and just what a girl wants to watch midweek. And did I mention how cute Matthew is? (Sooooo cute).

So, I’ve never actually watched Gary Unmarried because I kind of can’t stand Jay Mohr most of the time. Reading up on the premise of the show, it seems like the focus is on Gary and his ex-wife bitching at each other about their lives and children. Needless to say, I’m not too sold on watching this. And honestly, we all know I don’t need ANOTHER show to add to the Season Pass list. This one is DEFINITELY not on it.

After avoiding Gary Unmarried, I quickly will switch back to CBS to watch Criminal Minds. This show, which follows a group of FBI Behavior Analysts (profilers), is one of my all time favorites. This was originally my dream job and it rocks my socks off every week.

Finally, we have the return of the red-headed stepbrother of CSI and CSI: Miami, CSI: NY. Since every single CSI is the same (i.e. horrible writing and line delivery), I’ve never really had an inclination to sit through an entire episode of CSI: NY. But at least it doesn’t have the annoying David Caruso sunglass-removal scene. That’s one plus for NY.

* * * * * * * * * *

The CW, America’s trashy teen channel, hits us hard on Wednesdays with America’s Next Top Model, the catty, hair-pulling, drama-filled and ultimately super-fantastic modeling competition, and The Beautiful Life: TBL.

From what I can tell, The Beautiful Life (colon) TBL (redundant, anyone?) is the fictional drama version of ANTM. Cut-throat models plus secret pasts plus some hot Iowa farmboy = certain drama and scandal. CW has ordered 13 episodes; I’ll be amazed if three make it to air.

* * * * * * * * * *

FOX’s Wednesday line-up actually debuted last week (alert! Set your TiVos now!!) SYTYCD, everyone’s favorite, followed up by Glee. I haven’t watched the season opener of SYTYCD yet, but I did sit down for Glee and was inspired to write a post focusing just on Glee.

Long post made short: Glee is fucking awesome. Like super duper crazy love it and want to marry it (and the actor that plays the Glee Club teacher because YUM!!).

* * * * * * * * * *

Mercy begins the Wednesday line-up on NBC and one can only assume that it is yet another response to the lack of E.R. (see Trauma as well). Mercy is a drama focusing on three nurses, one of which is a rookie and another has just returned from duty in Iraq. Looks like it has some possibility of not sucking, but we’ll see, I guess.

Moving to Wednesdays at 9 o’clock is an oldie, but a goodie: Law & Order: SVU. I’ll be honest, I don’t know who is hotter, Christopher Meloni or Mariska Hargitay? Let’s be real, they’re both on the laminated card, am I right?

After last season’s crazy ending (the cute yet annoying as shit medical examiner going bat shit crazy and killing people), I can’t wait to see where this season goes! Definitely Season Pass worthy.

* * * * * * * * * *

The Final Wednesday Night Rundown

New Shows This Season:
Hank
The Middle
Modern Family
Cougar Town
Eastwick
The Beautiful Life: TBL
Glee
Mercy

Thumbs Up:
New Adventures of Old Christine
Criminal Minds
America’s Next Top Model
So You Think You Can Dance
Law & Order: SVU

Thumbs Down:
Gary Unmarried
CSI: NY

Song title: I Was Confused (About The Television Set) by Ten Hands

Fall Television Schedule – 2009/2010 Season – Tuesday Nights

* * * * * * * * * *

ABC starts Monday off with a show that has already debuted called Shark Tank. From what I can tell from my limited viewing of the show is that amateur inventors approach “The Shark Tank” (gag), which is a group of ridiculously wealthy and egotistical investors, in an attempt to get their product/company/idea/etc. off the ground.

There seems to be a reoccuring theme that the “Shark Tank” assholes pretty much want to completely dominate the inventors and are only willing to make offers that prevent the inventors from having any sort of governing stock in their own company. I guess that’s how these people became rich assholes to begin with, but I just don’t find that kind of politicking very entertaining.

The 9 o’clock hour is filled with yet more of Hollywood Squares Dancing With The Stars. I assume this is the results show. Since we already know how I feel about DWTS, we’ll skip right over it and get to ABC’s new Tuesday programming: The Forgotten.

Well, I would discuss The Forgotten except there seems to be virtually no information online about this new show! From what I can gather, it is a drama featuring an ensemble cast of amateur investigators who aren’t limited to the constraints of the law. But besides that, your guess is as good as mine. Seems a little weird that ABC doesn’t have any information on the website…

* * * * * * * * * *

CBS begins it’s Tuesday night line-up with another of my favorites, NCIS. I mean, can you *get* cuter than Tony DiNozzo? I think not. It took me a while to get in to NCIS (I’m not big in to miltary type shows) but once I watched, I was hooked. NCIS is CSI, but not shitty and with great writing.

And did I mention DiNozzo?

NCIS will now be followed by it’s first spin-off, NCIS: Los Angeles. Instead of Sexy DiNozzo, you’ve got LL Cool J andChris O’Donnel. Despite that, I have high hopes for the new spin-off. I anticipate NCIS but with more palm trees.

Following NCIS: LA, a new drama called The Good Wife appears to be ripped from the headlines. It stars  Julianna Margulies “as a wife and mother who boldly assumes full responsibility for her family and re-enters the workforce after her husband’s very public sex and political corruption scandal lands him in jail… For the first time in years, Alicia trades in her identity as the “good wife” and takes charge of her own destiny.”

This show is provocative enough to make me watch the premiere, but the skeptic in me doesn’t see me being a huge fan of this more serious “Stella Got Her Groove Back”

* * * * * * * * * *

Oh, CW. My sweet, dirty little vice. My cherished 90210 is back for another season! But I’m not ashamed that I watch it.

I’m not!

Okay, I am a little.

Word around town is that one of the characters is set to die. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that it’s Annie because could a girl *be* any more annoying?! And I hear the actress is a total fruit loop too. Ker-azy.

In a super flashback move, following 90210 will be the newly remade Melrose Place. Now I wasn’t a huge fan of the original, but I won’t lie. I know I’ll tune in a least once. But since Ashlee Simpson has been cast in a major role, I have no hope that this will be a successful reprise for the MP empire.

* * * * * * * * * *

Fox’s Tuesday night is keeping is simple and sweet. One show: So You Think You Can Dance.

I know I can’t dance, but I do know that I LOVE this show. If you’ve never watched before, you must tune in! The choreography can bring you to tears (in a good way) and the dancers are usually amazing. I’m setting the TiVo to Season Pass now…

* * * * * * * * * *

NBC is also keep it pretty straight forwarded by bringing back The Biggest Loser. This is another huge (pun not intended) favorite of mine. Sure, I might want it while chugging soda and eating an entire box of donuts, but every once in a while it will inspire me to work out. For like a minute.

And then I remember the donuts.

* * * * * * * * * *

The Final Tuesday Night Rundown

New Shows This Season:

The Forgotten

NCIS: Los Angeles

The Good Wife

Melrose Place

Thumbs Up:

NCIS

90210

So You Think You Can Dance

Biggest Loser

Thumbs Down:

Shark Tank

Dancing with the Stars

Song title: I Was Confused (About The Television Set) by Ten Hands

Despite the rave reviews and hysteria surrounding Fox’s new show Glee, I don’t like it.

I don’t love it.

I am fucking obsessed with it.

I ignored it. Then it caught my eye.

All those rumors. Would it be as wonderful as everyone said or would all those sweet nothings that have been whispered in my ear be only lies, dirty ugly lies?

But they weren’t lies.

And now I want to tell Glee, “Welcome to the neighborhood.”

And then I want to invite Glee out on a date, get it nice and sauced on a good Shiraz and then convince Glee that it really should stay over instead of going home tonight. Friends don’t let awesome television shows drive drunk, right?

Basically I want to make sweet, sweet love with Glee and make tons of tiny little Glee babies.

Because that show fucking rocks!

Song title: Glee by Honeydogs

In an attempt to revive my other hobby/obsession/blog-time-sucker, otherwise known as my blog devoted to my everlasting and passionate love of television, TiVoJunkie, I’ve decided to review the upcoming Fall Television Schedule for those of us who depend on our close friends like Gregory (House), Temperance (you can call her “Bones”), and Christina (because Meredith is a whiny little bitch) to get us through the week.

Wow. How was that a run-on sentence?

This is the intro that never ends…It just goes on and on, my friend…

Alright, already. I could waste more time writing you a limerick about a man from Nantucket, but I’ll save that for another day…

Fall Television Schedule – 2009/2010 Season – Monday

* * * * * * * * * *

ABC begins the Monday night line-up with two hours of Dancing with the Stars. Now forgive me, as I’m sure to offend many people when I say this, but DWTS sucks monkey balls. And I don’t even mean regular monkey balls. Like shriveled up old monkey balls off of this guy:

I’m sorry. I just couldn’t NOT post a photo of a monkey that looks exactly like Larry King.

But seriously, I am completely boggled at the popularity of DWTS. Everyone realizes that it’s the new Hollywood Squares, right? It should really be called “Dancing with the Stars (colon) We Can’t Get Work Anywhere Else so We Have to be on This Dumbass Show”.

And people realize that there are shows like So You Think You Can Dance that actually feature people who know how to dance, right? And usually you don’t have to worry about them breaking a hip or their prosthetic leg whipping off during an energetic twirl on the dance floor. Well, usually anyway.

Following DWTS, ABC is bringing back Castle, which stars the super dreamy Nathan Fillion. Fillion plays a successful murder mystery novelist who brokered a deal with the NYPD to shadow them on investigations. He then, of course, through wit and sarcasm, assists the lead detective (who – shocker! – is a hot, sassy romantic interest) in solving crimes.

I personally love this show. And not only because I get a chance to lick my television screen whenever Fillion enters a scene.

That reminds me…I need to buy more Windex before the new shows start up…

* * * * * * * * * *

CBS, in my humble television-obsessed opinion, rules Monday nights. And that is for two reasons, my friends: How I Met Your Mother and Big Bang Theory, two of the best ensemble comedies on tv today.

If you aren’t watching these two shows, first of all: you are retarded. Secondly, let me tell you a bit about them. HIMYM features Neil Patrick Harris, Allyson Hannigan, Jason Segel, well, you get the idea. As a bunch of 30-somethings living in New York, HIMYM chronicles the main character’s, Ted’s, journey to find the love of his life and, you guessed it, the mother of his future children. But, basically all you need to know is that NPH is awesome and I would even go out on a limb and say that this season is “gonna be legen-… wait for it… and I hope you’re not lactose intolerant because the second half of that word is -DARY!”

Now, I didn’t jump on the Big Bang Theory band wagon immediately, but once Sissy told me that each of the nerds characters all embodied different characteristics of Mr. Bee, well, I have to tune in. The show follows four very intelligent, yet socially-inept CalTech researchers and, well, wacky antics ensue. And I won’t lie, I love this show so much that the entire BareNaked Ladies theme song is on my iPod right now.

Sandwiched between HIMYM and BBT, we’ve got Accidentally on Purpose, which is a new show featuring Jenna Elfman as a film critic who gets pregnant after a one-night stand. Now the creators say that the show isn’t based off of the movie Knocked Up, but you can’t help but notice some startling similarities in the online sneak peek:

As much as I looooooove Jenna Elfman (seriously, I wanted to *be* her in the Dharma and Greg days and I have photos of my hairstyle to prove it), I’m not seeing this as a long-lasting show for CBS this year.

After BBT, for some reason, Two and a Half Men is back.

Why, dear sweet baby Jesus in your manger full of hay, why do people like this show?

I can totally understand watching it for Duckie, because, dude, DUCKIE. But over-aged and wrinkly Charlie Sheen trying to sex up some barely legal bimbos with some fat tweenager shouting “witty” (and I use that word very loosely) comments from the sidelines? No, thank you. That show is BANNED from Chez Bee.

Also banned from Chez Bee is CSI: Miami, mostly because we don’t watch shows with scripts written by 2 day-old monkeys (with the exception of the Hills, because we all have to have our dirty little show that we’re embarrassed to admit that we watch). If I never see David Caruso do this…

…again, it will be too soon.

* * * * * * * * * *

Now I’m not a huge CW fan, mostly because I have already gone through puberty, but every once in a while there is a day that I totally tune in.

Monday, however, is not that day. One Tree Hill, which is a tween drama (I think) about drama and sex and drama (I think), is on it’s seventh season.

You heard me correctly. This show has been on for SEVEN seasons. And, honestly, I don’t even know who the cast is. Except that I think David from 90210 was on it for an episode or two. Pretty much all I need to know about OTH, I learned from PerezHilton and that’s really far too much.

OTH is followed by Gossip Girl, the fictional version of Bravo’s I’m a Rich and Narcissistic Teenage Asshole in New York. What? Is that not the name of the show? I must be old and a mother when I find Gossip Girl a bit too accepting of sex and drinking for a teenage drama. And plus, that guy who can’t un-squint his eyes just creeps me out.

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Oh Fox. Poor, schizophrenic, Fox. I’ve never quite wrapped my brain around a network that can give us So You Think You Can Dance and House, M.D. and then turn around and produce Moment of Truth and Big Brother.

But speaking of House, our most beloved, snarky and yeah, maybe just a bit of a drug addict, doctor is back this season. Last season left House being dropped off at a coo-coo for cocoa puffs institution. Will he stop hallucinating? Will he being able to practice medicine again? Will he ever bang Cuddy (you know, for reals and not just in his dreams)? All those answers and more are sure to be answered this season.

After House, Lie to Me, returns. Lie to Me is about a doctor who analyzes body language to detect when people are lying. He is accompanied by Kelli Williams (the cute chick from The Practice) in assisting federal law enforcement, government agencies and local police with their most difficult cases.

Honestly, the commercials have never been tempting to me, but after reading up on the show, I might have to tune in to an episode or two. I’ll keep you updated – I know you’ll be on the edge of your seats, don’t lie.

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Finally, our Monday Night Lineup ends with the Peacock. After ditching Medium and My Name is Earl, NBC has a lot of ass kissing to do to get back in to my good graces.

NBC’s Monday Night begins with an hour of Heroes. When Hereos debuted, I lurved it. I wanted to *be* the cheerleader. Or you know, at least the hot chick with multiple personalities that can freeze people. I didn’t really want to be Sylar because raw brains just don’t do it for me.

But after a few seasons, I have completely lost interest.

“Yeah, sure, not that big of a deal,” you say. But for me, it’s a HUGE deal. I, lover of all these televised (except for televangelism and Gardening with Cisco (or Cristco, as we call him) – because, really, both make me want to rip my eyes out with red-hot pokers) do not stop watching a television show without some inner turmoil on my part.

I won’t say that it’s natural or even normal, but I seriously feel like I’m letting my stories down when I decide that they are getting Auf’d from my TiVo lineup. When I stopped watching Law & Order, I practically had to have a wake to honor my previous love of the show.

And, you know, it never hurts to have another reason to drink and talk about television.

So it took a lot for me to tell Heroes to pack their knives and go. Or pack their super human abilities and teleport or something. Whichever is faster.

After Heroes is NBC’s new drama Trauma. Try saying that sentence five times fast. Trauma is NBC’s answer to the lack of E.R. by following a gaggle of first responder paramedics in their quest to save lives. If that didn’t sound dumb enough, check out the photo of the cast from the Trauma webpage:

To assist you, here is my guess at the characters you see above

(from left to right):

Slut – Tough Guy – Lenny Kravitz – Sassy Ethnic Lady – Softhearted Teddy Bear – Child Molester – Old Cranky Constipated Man

Last and most certainly least is the new Jay Leno show, creatively titled The Jay Leno Show. According to his ratings, I must be the only person in America that does not find Leno entertaining or funny. But hell, he has approximately 18 trillion million billion dollars more than I do, so obviously he’s doing something right.

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The Final Monday Night Rundown

Song title: I Was Confused (About The Television Set) by Ten Hands