As we quickly approach The. Most. Dramatic. Season. Finale. Ever., we are reminded of why we oh-so-love The Bachelorette ever so much. As Chris Harrison so eloquently put it, it’s because of the “Romance, love, betrayal, heartbreak and, of course, a lot of tears.” He must be referring to Ali after she realizes that the bottle of wine is empty, because I don’t remember too many tears this season (sans the Frank Catastrophe last week).

Anywho, this week we join a panel from “the twenty-five handsome men“, which I think is a pretty bold statement given some of those dudes. I mean, did you SEE Chris N./The Phantom? He’s more orange than Lindsay Lohan after she goes in to liver failure.

But before we get to the boys, Chris Harrison has to have yet another Ya Ya Sisterhood Moment with Ali and discuss some of the season’s best (and worst) moments. I apologize for how choppy this recap is going to be – they were just all over the place!

Chris Harrison’s Ya Ya Sisterhood with Ali
Rated Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
We immediately learn that Rated-R took a quick journey from first impression awesome guy (in Ali’s mind. Everyone else knew he was an asshat) to the Istanbul douche bag hiking around topiaries. Ali, ever the feminist, wanted to be empowering to women everywhere when she confronted Justin about his girlfriend. You know, because The Bachelorette is such an empowering show. She’s a regular Rosa Parks, that one.

Guard and Protect Your Heart
I think I just figured something out: when I originally suggested that a drinking game should be made out of Kermit’s proclamations, I think Ali might have taken me a bit too seriously. Maybe that is where her alcoholism began? The FCC should fine Kasey every time he utters those obnoxious words.

It’s a Caribou Foot with Eyes (because, duh)
Ali insists that meeting the parents on the hometown visits told her a lot about Kirk? Like that he might have an insatiable need to murder and stuff poor little woodland creatures? And that he may or may not keep all those dead animals staged in a creepy ass basement for his viewing pleasure? Whatever, I still love Kirk even if his dad is the Dexter of the woods.

Frank the Tank, if Tank = Ass Hat
Omg, please just read last week‘s recap. I can’t handle reliving something I just watched two days ago. Especially something so painfully long and drawn out (like Ali’s extensions ::rim shot::)

Robert-Oh Oh Oh!!
Through outtakes, we get to see Robert-Oh’s one fatal flaw: the inability to open a champagne bottle without endangering the lives of people around him. Obviously, Alcholic Ali should’ve taken the reigns when it comes to opening bottles of alcohol. I fear this may be the straw that breaks the camel’s back for Robert-Oh’s future with Ali. Girl obviously needs to be with a man who can supply her with a never-ending supply of alcohol while keeping her head intact.

Frank’s Dad’s Toast
Apparently, upon meeting Frank’s family during the hometown visits and sitting down to eat, Frank’s Dad gave a toast of sorts, which had Ali confused and, well, yeah confused is a pretty good description:

“From and among the greater, ‘til then now and until here, as it was in front of before, for once do we near…Such as beyond past, presently and victorious should the little ant dianectically rise to drink now and forever.

First of all, do you know how many times I had to pause and replay that to make sure I got all the words down correctly? I’m pretty sure that he just randomly choose words out a dictionary and threw them together!

But, oh my god, thank the little baby Jesus that he was playing a joke on Ali! I’ve got to say that after Kirk’s creepy dad, it would have been kind of awesome if it WASN’T a joke. And thank you, Frank’s Dad, for giving us the idea and script for when Bee brings her boyfriend home for the first time. Ahhh, my poor children…

Kasey’s Planetarium Date
How awesome is it that Ali has no recollection of playing doctor astronauts with Kermit during her planetarium/museum/this is my heart, jump on in date? Alcoholic Ali rears her drunken head once again!

Chris N. (aka: The Phantom)
Thank GOD that someone finally acknowledge that Chris N. didn’t say a goddamn word the entire episode! And Chris L.’s “impression” of The Phantom literally had me laughing out loud in hysterics. If I wasn’t cemented in Team Chris before, I definitely am now that I’ve seen how funny he can be!

The Men Whine About Everything Tell All
During the introductions of the guys on the panel, I was half “oooh, I liked him!”, half “Ugh” and half “who the fuck was that?!” Seriously, though, there were at least four guys that I’m convinced were completely new to the show last night.

And back to Chris N. for a second, the boy said more in the first few minutes of the Men Tell All than the entire season!! Where was he during the dates, etc?! Too busy being all phantom-ey, I guess!

For what seemed like 800 hours, the men discussed the douche baggery of Rated R. I’ve got to say that when Kermit calls you creepy…that’s fucking saying something! Pot meet Kettle…

On that topic, Ty (who, among others, apparently has an awesome sense of humor that the producers decided to edit out until he was Auf’d) applauds Kermit on the consistency of his craziness. I mean, if you are going to be bat shit bonkers, you might as well stick with it 24/7, right?

Also, FYI: if you ever need a spot-on vocal impression of Kermie, please hire Arla-Shay for your next party. It’s a perfect combination of Heller Keller and Kermit the Frog.

Also, after this week’s episode, I’m pretty sure that Kasey has the same sort of basement as Kirk’s dad, but filled with women instead of animals. And he’s probably “protecting their hearts” with them safely locked inside of a freezer or something.

After discussing Rated R and Kermit’s insanity for FOREVER, we get yet another fucking Frank recap, where we learn…oh wait, nothing. Frank is a god damn douche canoe. That was clear last week, thanks ABC.

Ali as Disco Barbie
First of all, what was she WEARING? It fits her horribly. Second, what the hell was wrong with her hair? We’ve often discussed her horrible hair extensions, but this takes it to a whole new level. It’s like she’s Cinderella and her hair was styled by a bunch of woodland creatures. Drunk, rabid woodland rodents who later took up residence in their nest handiwork.

And, of course, an episode of the Bachelorette wouldn’t be complete without some douche declaring his love for Ali via the medium of song. I only have this to say:

Kermit. Needs. To. Stop. Singing. Like by Presidential Decree, if necessary. Fuck the immigrants in Arizona, can we deport Kasey to, like, Iceland or something?

In the end, everyone is mostly all grown up about being dumped by Ali. Even Kirk is all, “you taught me that I’m ready to love again.” Boooooooring.

And I was really hoping for more tattoos on Kermie. Maybe one of Ali flying from a glacier on a helicopter? Is that really too much to ask?

Once again, we find ourselves with another week, which means yet another Bachelorette Recap!

Florida Flirting
Finally back in the U.S., Ali gets all packed up to visit her first suitor, Robert-Oh, in Tampa, Florida.

Okay, first of all, can we just talk about the small ass piece of luggage that Ali is “packing” for the trip. Sure, it’s actually a large suitcase, but seriously? You know that girl is going to be wearing approximately four hundred different outfits per date event. Maybe that was just the last of 25 suitcases Ali packed for her trip. And by “Ali packed” I mean some random intern who hates every single second of his/her job/life.

Back to the show…Ali meets Robert-Oh at his alma mater and quickly dons one of his old baseball jerseys as he sports a full baseball uniform.

Meeeee-ooooowww! With a little, okay, a lot of Raaaaaaaaaaaaaawr.

After playing some baseball (which I say VERY loosely), Ali gets down to business with her real favorite hobby: champagne. After getting sauced on the baseball field and obviously neglecting a hairbrush yet again, Ali sits down with Robert-Oh’s family. Robert-Oh’s dad, who is an ex-Army Ranger or something, is hard core with the whole “Robert-Oh is a big prize” stuff and decides to take Ali to task about their relationship.

Meanwhile, Robert-Oh’s mamasita asks him about his own intentions. First of all, Rob’s mom is A-dorable. Secondly, Robert-Oh asks for his mom’s (and dad’s) permission to ask Ali to marry him! Too cute! Top it off with his parents breaking it down and salsa dancing in the living room and, seriously, I want to marry the guy and his family!

Cape Cod Canoodling
Ali’s next stop is to meet Chris’ family in Cape Cod, Massachusetts. Dressed appropriately in knee-high boots, Ali and Chris go for a stroll on the beach with Chris’ doggie. Soon they arrive at Chris’ adorable family home where the talk moves immediately to Chris’ dead mom, which again, rooooomantic.

With beer in hand (seriously, this chick’s next stop needs to be rehab, not Tahiti!), Ali meets Chris’ dad, brothers and sisters-in-law. The whole family is sweetness times infinity, but I can’t help but think that when the sisters-in-law notice Ali wearing her Dennis-I-Swear-They-Say-Dentist-Everytime Bracelet, there’s a little bit of “did he seriously give him one of the family bracelets” in the tone of their voices.

But no worries, because over glasses of wine, Ali quickly bonds with Chris’ dad while Chris’ sisters-in-law make sure that Chris is happy.

And while Ali is doing who knows what, Chris and his dad discuss what his mom would say about Ali. So thank you, ABC, for making me fucking bawl my eyes out while Chris chokes up about not being able to show his future wife off to his mom like his brothers got to. Oy. Yet another instance of network television needing to have warning for emotionally unstable pregnant woman prior to showing, well, anything.

Wisconsin Wackiness
In Green Bay, Ali gets to meet two families, as Kirk’s parents (like her own) are divorced. Her first stop is with Beaker’s dad, step mom and adoptive little sister. I don’t think Ali was there five minutes before Beaker’s dad uttered what could possibly be the creepiest phrase in Bachelorette history:

“So Ali, would you like to go see my basement?”

Cue totally blank facial expression on Ali’s face. Slowly, he leads her down in to the Basement of Doom, filled head to toe with dead, taxidermied animals.

“This is what I do. This is my taxidermy work. I bring animals back to life.”

Uh, no. No you don’t. You stuff dead things with God knows what.

Oooooh, but that not even the best part. I think the best part is the freezer full of dead animals. And popsicles. And what looks like frozen bags of blood. Because who doesn’t want to have to root through dead rodents and frozen blood while trying to find the Otter Pops?

And what the fuck was crouched behind Ali’s shoulder while she was talking with Kirk’s dad in the Basement of Doom?!

Fer reals, people. What the fuck IS that thing?!

I think Beaker is hawt and full of the awesome, but I’m pretty sure the pre-nup would stipulate that I would never be forced back down in to that basement ever again.

After surviving that horror, the couple head over to his mom’s house to meet his mom, sister and grandmother. First of all, totally love Beaker’s sister. She seems totally cool and a fun sister-in-law to have. Secondly, Grandma and her cheesy potatoes totally make up for the basement of horrors at Dad’s house.

Kirk’s mom, who, I’ve got to say, is disturbingly orange, is so sweet and obviously loves her son despite his being raped by asbestos in college.

Seriously, could Beaker be any cuter with that hair and those sneakers?! Ugg! Robert-Oh has some competition on the hawtness scale, I think!

Concerns in Chicago
For her final family hometown date, Ali visits Chicago, Illinois to meet Frank the Tank’s folks. They begin by touring Chi-town by boat and getting way too excited by boats honking/tooting (?) their horns for them.

Despite her kindergarten behavior 99.9% of the time, Ali seems to have a sixth sense when it comes to Frank and upon discussing their relationship (over beer, of course. Jesus Christ, Ali!) she seems to realize that Frank is kind of nervous. From what I’ve heard, he has a reason to be, but it’s probably not what Ali is thinking. Damn you Frank and your impending breaking of our hearts!

Ali finally arrives at Frank’s parents’ house, oh wait, Frank lives there too (Looooooser), and meets Mom, Dad, Sister and Brother-in-Law. You can immediately tell that Frank’s family is totally hysterical when Frank responds to Mom’s upfront question about how they feel about each other with “she just came here out of pity” and his dad was all “well, that’s something.”

Over wine (oh my god, this is getting ridiculous), Ali chats it up with Frank’s mom and totally hits it off. What is killing me is how Frank and the family keep on referring to “all the other elements” that Frank is dealing with and “all he’s been through”. What the hell are they talking about?!

After the four hometown dates, I’m scared that Beaker is going to get the axe. It’s the only house so far that she didn’t talk all about how comfortable she felt there, yada, yada, yada. But to be honest, I zone out a lot when she’s talking, so I could’ve missed it…

Three’s Company, Fours a Crowd
Finally back in Los Angeles, Ali arrives in style to the mansion, complete with evening gown with what appears to be a throw pillow sewn on to the front of it.

After her normal girlie pow-wow with Our Lovely Host Chris Harrison, Ali cries in to her rosettes in front of her last four suitors…

The first rose goes to…big exhale…sniff…Robert-Oh! Oh sexy, sexy Robert-Oh! How we lust for love thee.

The next rose goes to…shoulder shrug…twirl the rose…bite the lip…Chris!

The final rose tonight goes to…when you’re ready…clenches hands…bites lip…lip tremble…Frank. Duh. Because he has to go on to be a super douche next week, right?

Oh poor Beaker! Personally, I’d blame it on the creepy as hell dad with the Basement of Doom. But the asbestos-ridden mid-westerner is still super hawt and awesome in my mind!

After a tearful goodbye, Ali sends Kirk off in his limo and joins the rest of her harem back in the mansion to discuss next week’s trip to Tahiti, where Ali will open her heart (and most likely her vagina during the overnight dates) to the final three men.

Once again, our frat brothers/Bachelors find themselves in a new European city on their Tour du Love. This week, the boys will compete for next week’s hometown dates in Lisbon, Portugal. Since we’re down to five dudes, there will be four dates this week instead of three and NO ROSES. So no one will be forced to do the walk of shame (aka: be stranded on a glacier in Iceland).

Yawn.

Come be the king of my castle
Robert-Oh scores the first ID with Ali with a not-so-subtle euphemism to be the king (I.e. mount/invade/conquer) her castle (vagina).

Their tour of Portugal basically consists of them being annoying tourists taking cliché photos everywhere and then (gag) dancing in the street. As they ride around on a street car (“Oh Em Gee, Robert-Oh! This is just like San Francisco!! You know, but not.”), Ali smooches away with our resident hottie.

Now seriously, Robert-Oh is figgity fine. So why the hell does Ali keep giving him these tiny little kindergarten pecks on the lips? If I had him in a street car all to myself (you know, and wasn’t married, with a kid and with child), I would be humping his leg like the Easter Bunny in heat!

Eventually Ali shows Robert-Oh her castle, which is disappointingly an actual castle. After some wine and bruschetta, Ali becomes a huge buzz kill by bringing on The Serious. Apparently Robert-Oh is a big ol’ puzzle wrapped in a mystery to her. But what Ali discovers is that said puzzle goes together quite easily when she has her tongue down his throat.

Let’s find our future in the past
The first two-on-one date (bow chica wow wow) will be a Frank and Ty sandwich with an Ali filling.

And has anyone else noticed that the “filling” seems to have migrated to Ali’s chest region? Girl is supporting some serious Victoria’s Secret cleavage this episode!

Somehow the two-on-one date has made the boys feel really “weird” and awkward. Really, though? Was it not awkward when your “girlfriend” was dating 20 other dudes? But not to worry, as soon as the wine starts pouring, moods begin to lighten. And I’m guessing since Ali’s wine glass is glued to her hand the entire date, girlfriend is stressing about which dudes to take to hometown dates.

Ali first pulls Ty aside and asks him the big question: can southern boy handle a wife who works?

What the fuck, people?! Is this the 1950’s?? It “tickles” Ty to death that Ali has a plan and wants to work. How…progressive?

Next up is some alone time with Frank the Tank. He waxes poetic about how important family is to him, because you’d say anything else to your hopeful future girlfriend/wife? At least it’s not something totally embarrassing like that you still live at home with your folks!! Hahahahaha!

Oops.

Yes, you heard me right people. 30-year old Frank lives at home with his mommy and daddy. And somehow that actually makes Ali “aaaaaaaah!” and give him tons of smooches. Ali seems pretty in to Frank, but I can’t help but think that the dastardly Frank is soon to break our collective hearts.

In fact, I’ve heard that Frank makes Wes et al. look like saints… We’ll see in a few weeks, right?

Once upon a time…
Kirk scores the next ID with Ali and is immediately confused with the date invitation clue. “It’s not even a full sentence!” he decries. Yikes! I thought Beaker was a little smarter than that. Must be all the asbestos exposure…

With wine glasses already in hand (Jesus, is it wine o’clock already, Ali?), the couple hop on a horse-drawn carriage to yet another castle. Despite the super cute Kirk/Beaker (even though he is wearing flannel. In Portugal. On a date.), Ali is all *sighs* and “Mmm hmmms.”

As the two sit down for a dinner of wine with a side of wine, Ali admits that she was a horrible date and is all introspective and dealing with the pressure of hometown dates. She tells Beaker that she’s worried that she won’t be good enough for him one day, but he comes back with a Twilight-esque retort about how he never knew himself during his past relationships and now knows that he is deserving of love. Also, he is falling for Ali, not the idea of Ali.

Either Beaker or the wine wore her down and Ali returns to the doe-eyed, totally buzzed Bachelorette that we know and like a little love.

Beaker and Ali admire the melodic singing of a woman who looks like a Portuguese version of my Nana, but is almost as orange as Ali. What a romantic(?) end to a buzz kill date…

Love gets better with age…
Chris L., Ali’s least romantic suitor, gets the final ID on the day of the rose ceremony. The two hop on a Vespa-ish moped, with Chris driving so slow that I’m pretty sure being 9-months pregnant, I could out-waddle/walk them.

And I’m pretty sure that Chris grew a vagina when Ali officially took over driving the moped because she was tired of his grandmother driving.

Once again, Ali sets the mood by talking about Chris’ dead mom. Really, Ali? You are just the mood-setter this episode. I’m sure nothing says romance to Chris than reliving the death of his mother.

After discussing embalming techniques and if he cried at the funeral, Ali takes Chris to a rehab facility.

JUST KIDDING!

She takes him to a winery. Because Ali needs to get her drink on. It is past breakfast time. Geesh!

While still managing to mention his dead mother, Chris does give Ali a gorgeous bracelet made by a family friend. Now she’ll have something to show off when she visits his family. Which is going to be hella awkward when she doesn’t give him a rose tonight, right?

Four roses to hand out
Geez, is Ali just so liquored up from her week of wine-filled dates she doesn’t even need to give her boys a cocktail party?

Side note: is Ali’s dress gorgeous or what? As soon as I’m not the size of a Biggest Loser contestant on Day One (you are more than welcome to evacuate the premises any time, Cletus), I will definitely hunt down and buy, oh who am I kidding covet this dress.

The first rose goes to…Chris?! What? Really?! Dude, this is gonna get interesting real fast!!

The second rose goes to…(looks down)…(tilts head)…Frank! Oh, you are soon to break our little baby hearts, Frank! But I still kinda love you.

The third rose goes to…(not even pretending to hesitate)…Robert-Oh. I mean, duh. Who doesn’t want to lick that little butt chin of his.

The final rose tonight…(sad face)…(twirl twirl twirl)…KIRK!! Oh, snap!!! My friends and I were SURE that RodentFace was totally going as far as hometown visits! I don’t blame her one bit for Auf-ing the half-hamster/half-man, but there is a bigger question looming…

Whose house is full of all the taxidermied animals?!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Jake The Yawn & Vienna The What’s Wrong With Her Face
Dude.

Seriously.

What the hell is up with these two fucktards?

This is far too juicy to lump on to a normal recap. Stay tuned for my review of “I don’t even know you anymore” versus “whiny crying.”

As we leave Iceland and start the week in Istanbul, Turkey, you can’t help but be excited for the rumored drama that will unfold on this week’s episode. Someone has a girlfriend and is on a reality show for shady purposes?? Say what?! Unbelievable!! (/end sarcasm)

“I feel better right now than I have throughout this entire journey. I don’t think anything could go wrong at this point…”

foreshadowing!!!!!!!

ABC waits no time at all (okay, they at least wait until Ali has done her hair and makeup, which honestly, doesn’t look like it took that much time. Ever heard of a flat iron, Al?) and knock knock! Who’s there? Chris Harrison!! Chris Harrison who? Chris Harrison with some totally predictable earth-shattering news for Ali!!

Apparently Jesse, some random chick from Ali’s season on the Bachelor, has some dirty info on one of the bachelors Ali is dating.

Chris calls Jesse on the hotel phone.

Ring…

Ring…

Ring…

Ring…

Ring…

Ring…

Ring…

Seriously, ABC? Best five minutes of television since Alf was caught trying to eat the family cat.

“Hey, Jesse, it’s Chris Harrison. You know, that guy who was supposed to call you exactly right now? Is there a reason why you decided to pinch one off and it took you five hours to answer the phone?”

Basically, Ali finds out that Justin, the Rated-R wrestler, has a girlfriend back home. His girlfriend actually helped him apply for the show and was coolio with the plan until she found out that he has ANOTHER girlfriend in another town. Waaahahahahahaha! SHOCKER!

Ali is of course shocked because “this is the most important thing [she] is going to do in her life.” Wow. Really? Let’s set some higher goals for ourselves, can we?

After having a girlie pow-wow with Chris Harrison, Ali decides to break the news to Justin…

…in front of everyone.

Ali begins by telling the boys how it’s been a really difficult road so far and, well, Justin, it must be particularly difficult for you leaving your girlfriend back at home…

FUCKING. AWESOMESAUCE.

Rated-R immediately bails from the situation and the producers begin to follow him around the entire hotel and grounds. And when I say “grounds” I mean he even gets cornered in the landscaping and has to hobble through fountains and shit.

The best scene? Justin trying to escape in to a café and the waiter locking the doors and waving him away. HILARIOUS!

Eventually the producers must have reminded Rated-R of his contractual obligations and he comes back to Ali full of lies and excuses, which thankfully Ali sees right through. As Rated-R takes his final hobble to the airport, we get to hear the numerous voicemails he has left for his girlfriend about how much he loves her, voicemails left while he was even in ICELAND like two days ago. What an asshat!

Let’s get steamy
After all the drama unfolds, Ty scores the first ID with Ali in Turkey.

Now let’s discuss Ty for a minute. The medical salesman from Nashville just irritates me for some reason. Is it his unbuttoned shirt? Is it his ridiculous necklace that looks like it’s a prop from National Treasure and probably opens some magic treasure chest? Or is it the fact that he looks like some sort of half rodent/half man?

After touring the city, the two strip down to their individual picnic blankets and sit in a hot steamy Turkish bathhouse. Soon they start rubbing each other with, let’s be honest, it looks like baby batter to me, ifyouknowwhatImean. I’m just saying I don’t think I’d want someone, especially RodentMan, rubbing me down with that shit.

Over dinner, Ali delves a little deeper in to Ty’s background, most specifically his past marriage. After discussing that he was accustomed to his mom staying home, etc. etc. Ali asks if his wife worked? Ty’s response, “That was a lot of it. I guess I struggle with that a little bit.” IT was a lot of WHAT?! You aren’t answering her questions, goddammit!!

Side note: My stupid netbook keeping changing “goddammit” to “goldsmith”. WTF, Asus? Yeah, I totally meant that I think that Ty is a goldsmith…

Don’t ask me why, but RodentMan walks away with the ID rose after “opening up” so much to Ali. Personally, I think it was the ejaculate-filled bathhouse massage that pushed her over the edge.

Love conquers ol(ive)
Chris (who isn’t Kirk despite the resemblance), Robert-Oh, Kirk (who we’ve decided slightly resembles Beaker from the Muppets – what is it with the Muppet contestants this season?) and Craig will be joining Ali…

Olive oil wrestling with the ugliest Turkish men the producers could get their hands on?

Let’s just say, weirdest date ever.

Except for the match between Kirk/Beaker and Robert-Oh. I’m not proud of it (well, yes, yes I am) but I taught Bee to say “I’d like to be the meat in that sandwich” while watching the program the other day!

After three rounds, Craig, the funny, nerdy lawyer from Philly, beat the hunky boys for one-on-one time tonight with Ali. This is Craig’s very first one-on-one date with Ali (you’d never know with all his proclamations of love, though).

The other men are sent packing back to the hotel to wash olive oil off of themselves and Craig and Ali head out for a boat ride and desert. Apparently wrestling for your love doesn’t earn you a full meal. Sorry, Craig.

Immediately, Craig won me over with his sense of humor. Don’t forget his witty love poem last week and his hand-drawn tattoo on his wrist at the last rose ceremony. This week he begins the date by suggesting that he quit his job and become a professional olive oil wrestler. Okay, I want to date him now.

But even though it is technically their first date, it doesn’t really seem like there is much chemistry between the two of them. At least from Ali’s point of view, I think. I’m measuring that on the fact that she has let him complete far too many sentences without jamming her tongue down his throat like she does with the others.

The road to love is bazaar
Frank is the first bachelor to score a second individual date with Ali. They spend the afternoon at a spice bazaar buying aphrodisiacs and trying on belly dancer outfits (okay, I’ll specify that Ali tried on the outfit. I like Frank and all but I don’t think anyone needs to see that).

After meeting the world’s greasiest carpet salesman, who convinces Reid, I mean, Frank to buy a rug despite his one million declarations that he is NOT buying a rug today, the two head out to dinner…

…in the middle a cistern.

So, if you’re anything like me, you are asking yourself right now, “What the fuck is a cistern?” Well, I’m glad you asked…

cis·tern [sístərn] (n)
1. water tank: a tank for storing water, especially one connected to a toilet.

That’s right, ladies and gentleman. Ali and Frank are dining in the middle of toilet water. I’m pretty sure someone on the ABC staff should really get fired for these dates.

After Frank opens his heart to Ali about being hesitant to the process and letting himself fall in love, the two share some romantic e. coli water kisses and she gives Frank the Tank a rose.

The cocktail party that is severely lacking in both cocktails and parties
Instead of heading down to the cocktail party, Ali instead asks Chris Harrison to chat with her about canceling the party.

Seriously, those two’s cycles must have sync’d by this point with all the time they’ve been spending together. I’m pretty sure Ali and Chris spend their evenings braiding each other’s hair and watching My Best Friend’s Wedding. Just sayin’.

With Reid/Frank and RodentMan/Ty already scoring roses, the final three roses go to…

Pick up a rose…

Look down…

Spin, spin, spin…

Sigh…

Robert-Oh.

Pick up a rose…

Look down…

Spin, spin, spin…

Vacant stare…

NotKirk. I mean, Chris.

“Ali, Gentlemen, it’s the final rose tonight…when you’re ready…”

Sad puppy face…

Bite the lower lip…

Kirk/Beaker.

Ah, man! The dude with personality strikes out again! But don’t worry whatever-your-name-is. You will totally be scoring some tail when you get back to the states. As a friend of mine exclaimed at his dismissal: “But he’s the only one with a real job!!!”

Next week on The Bachelorette, the group heads to Lisbon, Portugal. But wait a damn second, what are all these previews of the rest of the season?! So obviously, Frank and Robert-Oh get hometown dates and thanks to ABC blowing their load, Frank, Robert-Oh and Ty are for sure going to Tahiti for the finale.

BUT FRANK?!?! WTF FRANK!! What is he going to say to Ali?! With everyone crying on the next couple episodes, I’m literally on the near-edge of my seat, but not really because my pregnant ass is far too big and let’s be honest, you know I’m laying back on my couch because, again, prego.

But you get the drift.

I don’t know about you, but when I think about romance abroad I don’t think of Paris, Venice or even Rome. I think of…

Reykjavik?

If you two are saying, “Wha??” then you should know that Reykjavik is in Iceland. Because nothing says romance like freezing your balls off on a freaking glacier or having/choosing to wear a floppy-eared fur hat. Jesus.

As you might have guessed, our beloved Bachelorette and her nine remaining bachelors have headed out of the country on their Journey To Find Love With Ali. Otherwise known as the “How ABC Shit Money Down The Crapper On Failing/Soon To Fail Relationships.”

(Sidenote: This just in! Last season’s Bachelor, Jake The Yawn Pavelka has broken up with Vienna Crazy Eyes Hair Face Girardi after a super long relationship of, oh, only three months. The Bachelor Curse strikes again!)

This week the boys will have three dates: a Group Date, a One-on-One/Individual Date and a Two-on-One Date. Of course, only one of the two dudes will be coming home from the Two-on-One Date, which really, sounds like a bad porno title.

But hey, how does one score the ID with Ali this week? Will she choose the guy she likes the most or will she choose someone that she wants to get to know more?

Nope. The boys will compete. With love poems. That they have to “perform” in front of her.

Because all the songs and performing has worked out so well already.

The bachelors get one hour to write their poems for Ali, but I doubt all of them need that much time. I mean how long could it possible take Kasey to write “Why are there so many songs about rainbows…”?

The poems get off to a cute start with Craig (bonus points for giggles, right?) and I was feeling better about this whole “performing their poems” bullshit…

…until Kermit walked up.

Oh no. What is he going to say?!

Luckily, this was all I heard:

“Hrmp ma frlup shishshu hurump fishflursha.”

Seriously folks, has anyone asked him yet if he actually is deaf? Because he makes me feel like I am when I have to listen to his whacked out voice.

Okay, my/the world’s theory that Chris N. is Ali’s brother must be true. I mean, that poem? I would hope that the reason that poem sucked so much butt was because he was trying to write a love poem for his sister. Which, if the rumor is true? Gross, ABC. Just gross.

The First Date That Doesn’t Have Some Cheesy Title
It should surprise no one that Cutie Kirk took home the ID with Ali. After frolicking in sweater shops, the two get down to bidness in a café where Ali begins to ask about Kirk’s dating history. We learn that he’s never dated anyone for longer than a year (which I don’t find that weird, but whatevs), but oddly he’s kind of vague about the situations and kind of changes the topic. Hmmmm…

Later, wearing matching sweaters (gag), the couple settle down for dinner and Kirk opened up about his health history, which apparently includes coming down with everything from amnesia to genital crabs. Basically, he was raped by asbestos in college. He came through it and now wants to share his crabs with Ali. Despite his lack of brain cells left after breathing mold spores for a year, Kirk is pretty damn adorable.

The Second Date That Doesn’t Have Some Cheesy Title
Back at the house, the boys learn who will be going on the Group Date (Robert-Oh, Chris L., Chris N. (hey! He finally is going on a date with Ali!), Craig, Ty, Frank) and who will be facing imminent doom on the Two-on-One Date (Kermit and Rated-R). Sah-weet!!

On the GD, the fellas took their little lady on a horse ride through a…glacier or something? Romantic…

After riding/falling of horses for a while, the team goes spelunking? Are you fucking serious? Could these dates be any worse for creating romance? At best, all of the guys are now infertile from having their man bits squished to death by the spelunking harnesses. At worst, they all have hypothermia in their, well, everythings. God, this date is lame.

Because of Kirk’s ID and Ty taking the reigns on the GD, Frank the Tank plays it really quiet and it doesn’t go by unnoticed by Ali. I love Frank, but after hearing last week from a friend who heard from a close friend People Magazine that Frank has some girl back at home (given, it’s an ex-girlfriend but still), I’m trying my best to not get too attached to Frankie. I think he’s adorable, but Mama doesn’t like getting her heart broken either. Let’s just say I’m not running out to get a Frank tattoo on my wrist or anything.

After the world’s crappiest date, the harem gets naked half-naked in some steamy lagoon place, where Ali starts close-talking with all the boys.

And by “close talking” I mean French kissing.

After what one can only assume was a head injury behind the scenes causing Ali to drop 100 IQ points and begin talking like a kindergartener and referencing Disney movies, she presented Ty, the uber-cowboy, with the date rose. Dur.

Let’s Explore the Land of Fire and Ice
Tonight, in one corner, we have the Muppet-sounding, obsessive psychopath, KASEY!!! In the other corner, we have the douchey, Rated-R entertainment wrestler, JUSTIN!!! Two men enter the Dating Thunderdome, one man leaves. But, honestly, I’m hoping they take each other out in some blaze of glory gun fight so we don’t have to listen to either of them anymore. Although, Kermit’s crazy repetitiveness would make for a bomb drinking game.

The threesome begin their date on the edge of a volcano (Jesus, she could just push both of them in so easily right now! One can dream, right? Sigh).

Does anyone else think it’s totally fucked up that Ali planned this date not knowing that Rated-R had gotten his cast off? Hey buddy, how much do you like me? Enough to hobble yourself through snow and in to an ice cave? Awesome.

After Rated-R has his opportunity to spew out totally cliché bullshit about the Bachelorette process and yada yada yada, Kermit gets his chance to, as Ali says, “be normal.”

Ahhh, this should be good…

Oooooh, he’s gonna show the tattoo! Oh my God, Ali’s face is classic!! A mixture of shock, awe and wow-I-should-just-smile-and-nod-so-this-crazy-ass-dude-doesn’t-kill-me. Is this the most awkward date in Bachelorette history or what? No romance, tattoo reveals, confused expressions…

But it gets even better! The guy to not make it home doesn’t just get the ax, but he gets left on the top of the mountain!! Muuuuahahahahahaha!!

Poor Kermit gets shafted by his love Ali, but I’m thinking that this might not be the last we hear from dear Kasey. Anyone else sense some crazy stalker shit popping up later in the season?

The Cocktail Hour Filled With Expressions of Love
Okay, seriously people. I really hope that Chris N. is Ali’s brother because that dude is seriously lacking in personality! Mexican food is his “guilty pleasure.” Is he making sweet love to some churros or something?! How is eating a couple tacos a guilty pleasure?!?!

But I died when What’s His Name revealed his fake tattoo on his wrist! HI-larious!! I would’ve given that dude a rose right on the spot just for the comedic factor.

After a long chat session with Chris Harrison where the two share their favorite tampon brands and brownie recipes, Ali finally figures out which of the studs she’s going to keep around for the next leg of the “Even Though We Totally Won’t Get Married, Let’s At Least See Some Cool Places On ABC’s Dime Tour.”

And the recipients of roses are: Frank…pause…Chris L…looks down…Robert-Oh…”Ali, Gentlemen, this is the final rose tonight. Because you don’t have eyes and shit.”…dramatic pause…hiccup…fart…Craig.

Oh no! My Chris N. theory has been shut down! Dammit, that would’ve been an awesome twist, ABC. Maybe they’ll learn from this (because “they” totally read this blog. Obviously.).

Next week: The group heads to Istanbul. No, Constantinople. No, Istanbul. Whatever. They are going to Turkey. And apparently have some sort of greasy gay orgy (GGO – trademark!) on someone’s front lawn?

Okay, so first of all, the commercials keep on hyping up this week’s episode of The Bachelorette as being super crazy and drama-filled with Kermit the Frog (aka: Kasey) going totally bananas. I’m not saying that I’m drawn to drama or anything, but if this episode doesn’t end with Kermit in a straight jacket, locked in a padded room, I am going to be very disappointed, ABC.

Oh holy hell. They just showed a spoiler clip in the first minute of the show showing Kermit walking in to tattoo parlor. I swear to GAWD if he gets a tattoo of him as Kermit and Ali as Miss Piggy, I will die with a happy heart and pants full of pee from laughing so hard.

Continuing the pattern of complete realism, this week’s episode starts by informing the dudes that they will be continuing their courting of Ali on the road. Well, actually around the WORLD.

Excuse me while I vomit. Really, ABC?! Don’t you want any of your Bachelor/ette couples to stay together afterwards? You’re kind of creating some high standards…

The first stop is New York City and, after a makeover and InStyle photo shoot (gag), Ali finally decides to join the boys for some dates.

Let’s Do What Comes Naturally
Kasey/Kermit scores the first ID, causing Kirk and Weatherman to become jealous. Let me specify…Jealous of KERMIT. Okay, Weatherman isn’t sweeping me off my feet, but no one. NO. ONE. should have cause to be jealous of Kermit. Ever. Unless they are trying out for The Muppets.

After a city helicopter tour, Kermit and Ali land in a grassy park and sit down to enjoy a champagne picnic at sunset.

And then…

Oh holy hell.

No.

No. No. No. No. No.

Sweet Baby Jesus awake in a manger, please, dear God, PLEASE tell me that Kermit is not serenading Ali right now.

This is fucking classic. Because I can find no other way to pay attention to Kermie’s song without involuntarily vomiting in my mouth, here is a transcription of his delightful ditty:

“When I was flying in the helicopter,
Over this amazing city,
I looked to my left and there I saw something
So pretty…”

(Cue Ali’s nervous/embarrassed – for both of them, I would imagine – laughter followed by crickets)

Oh fuck, he’s not done…

“At the end of tonight,
I’m not just your average Joe.
But I hope in my sight,
I’ll see and find a rose.

Heh heh heh. Yeah, that’s pretty intense stuff.”

Ali’s reaction? ((Crickets))

In a completely unfair move, ABC brings us back from commercial with Kermie and Ali already in the second part of their date. Which, of course, is them having the Natural History Museum all to themselves. But I guess ABC couldn’t foot the bill for the electricity, because the poor couple had to walk around with lanterns and flashlights all evening.

After some more champagne, which really at this point doesn’t seem to be helping poor Ali out – how about some Jaeger, people, Kermit begins spewing his protecting her heart bullshit over and over and over.

“It’s just my heart. Jump in, stay a while.”

Seriously, he is making my brain vomit right now.

Oh, holy fuck. MORE SINGING! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!

“On the night that I first saw you,
I was staring through that glass.
And I knew in that first moment,
That you and I would last.

On the beach in California,
You made me start to believe.
And now in New York City
And it’s just you and me.

And tonight you’ve got a rose
And I don’t want to feel it’s thorns.
And if you choose me, Ali,
I’ll forever be yours.”

This guy is the biggest vagina I have ever seen on television. Holy crap balls. Ali decides to not give him the date rose, but somehow also keeps him around.

Why?! WHY?!?!?!?

To be fair, if I was deaf (and was unable to read lips), the guy is kinda cute. But, really? Seriously?! Kermie’s got to go.

Let’s Play
The group date will be Robert-Oh, Jesse, Craig, Kirk, Jonathan, Frank, and Ty. The boys find Ali waiting for them at the Broadway production of The Lion King (which, side note, is totally awesome and I highly recommend it to anyone who loves things that don’t suck). After some pretty horrible auditions, Robert-Oh wiggled those Rico Suave hips and won his way in to the producer’s (and Ai’s) heart, scoring a role in that night’s show.

While Robert-Oh and Ali practice some Kama Sutra moves on wires (side note: Robert-Oh shirtless? Sorry, Mr. Bee, but YOWZA!), the other boys are forced to sit and watch. But, luckily, that torture produces what could be the best line of the season:

“The forecast was for sunny skies and just out of the blue, this storm just like crapped on my face. And now I smell like shit-storm and it’s not good. I need a shower. To shower off the shit.” ~ Weatherman

After their successful performance, the boys reunite with Ali at the after party. Ali is super adorable when she sneaks off with Frank and reassures him that she is crazy about him and wants to make sure he is crazy about her. Oh, those two give me the squishies, they are SO cute together!

Because of feeling like shit (must have gotta hit with that shit storm, too), Ali decides to (1) not give out a rose, and (2) to let Kirk escort her to her room and tuck her in. OMG, is he adorable or what?!

Let’s Take a Bite Out of the Big Apple
Birthday boy, Chris L., scores the final individual New York date. After getting all prepped for his big date, Chris finds out that his NY date is being replaced with taking care of a sicky. Fuuuuuuun.

Eventually, magic NY chicken noodle heals Ali and they head out to a dinner to further discuss Chris’s dead mom.

And to continue the celebration of Chris’ birthday, Ali surprises him with her favorite singer, Joshua Radin. How…sweet?

But according to the tonsil hockey they played, I’m guessing Chris had a pretty good time…

“I want a rose and then I want a one-on-one date. And then I want another rose. And then another one-on-one date…”
Meanwhile, back at the bachelor pad, Kermit has gone missing! Send out a Muppet APB, ASAP!!

Did you notice that he even walks like he has a puppeteer’s hand up his ass?

Enter the tattoo parlor…and a cheesy ass drawing of guess what?! You got it! A shield protecting a heart! Gag.

Instead of simply pulling down his fucking sleeve to cover up the tattoo bandages, Kermie creates some burned-my-arm-on-the-stove story to tell the guys. Rated-R, and I imagine most of the other guys, call bullshit behind the scenes.

At the cocktail party, the Weatherman mans up and finally gets some one-on-one time with Ali. And, what does the group need more of? That’s right! SINGING!! Really, guys? It’s kinda overdone. And. AND! Please don’t f-ing serenade a girl when You. Can’t. Sing. Well.

After that uncomfortable moment, Ali walks right in to another with Kermit’s tattoo debut! First, due to Rated-R’s confrontation, Kermie reveals his tattoo to the boys, to mixed reviews. Then, after presenting Ali with her favorite candy and explaining that maybe he was moving to fast before (because, you know, TATTOOing yourself is totally taking it slow), he is about to reveal his tattoo when…

Frank walks in!

Aaaahahahhahahah! Foiled again! If it weren’t for those meddling kids!!

After apologizing once again for any phlegm she might have coughed up on to the roses, Ali gives out roses to all but two of the fellas…

And the roses go to: Chris L. (from the ID), Kirk (rawr), Frank (yay! Don’t lie, you love him too!), Craig (yawn), Chris N. (who?), Roberto (el rawr-oh), Justin (even he looked surprised), Ty (goober)…and the final rose, because we are unable to count for ourselves (Thanks, Chris Harrison), goes to…Kasey.

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Really?! You keep Kasey over both Jesse (hawtness with un-gay tattoos) and the Weatherman?!?!

So what’s up with this Chris N. dude? Did we hear a single word from him this episode?? I recently heard a nifty little rumor that Chris N. could actually be…wait for it…Ali’s brother!! The theory is that he is hanging out with the bachelors to get the inside scoop for Ali!

Since he never says a damn thing, never has a date with Ali, AND, if you watch the rose ceremony closely, he WINKS at Ali when he gets his rose from her…I’m leaning towards some incest Bachelor action on the Bachelorette this season!

And the best quote of next week’s episode:
“The only thing Kasey has to do is be normal.” ~ Ali

Don’t hold your breath, Ali.

Our third episode opens with 14 bachelors all competing for a six month relationship at tops wife at the end of the season, preferably Ali. This week will consist of one group date and two individual dates, the first of which is with Robert-Oh…

Love is a Balancing Act
Does anyone else feel like it’s a little strange that Robert-Oh was pre-funking some Coronas before his date with Ali? And shouldn’t it be Ali pre-funking with that crazy (and totally understandable because heights are fucking scary) fear of flying? I mean, why the hell would someone who is afraid of flying (and I would imagine, heights) plan dates that involve (1) FLYING, and (2) tight rope walking 20 stories about Los Angeles? Masochist much?

But I won’t lie, that mid-rope kiss with Robert-Oh? Except for being ridiculously loud, was pretty damn hawt. Although it might have something/everything to do with the fact that Robert-Oh is fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine. Rawr.

And I’m pretty sure that every woman watching had a slight tvgasm when Robert-Oh started talking about how many languages he can speak. However, Ali quickly squashed that moment with her one-on-one to the camera where she confesses that not many men can make her worry that she might not be pretty enough for them. Oh, really? Please hold while I shed a fucking tear for you…

To the surprise of NO ONE IN THE WORLD, Robert-Oh scores the ID rose after sucking some serious face with our Bachelorette.

Come Rock My World…
Back at the house, the first group date is announced: Kirk, John, Chris N., Frank, Jonathan, Craig, Justin, Jesse, and Chris L. will be joining Ali on some mystery/totally realistic date.

Having assumed that “rock my world” pertains to music, how many of you laughed your freaking asses off when Kasey/Kermit whined that he would have loved to be on that group date to show off his voice? Really, though?! Will Rowlf and Gonzo be there too?

After the guys were limo’d to the middle of no where (aka: the ghetto and all the boys were pissing themselves), the boys started pissing themselves even harder to come upon the Barenaked Ladies playing their tunes.

Totally realistic.

After the BNL (which, squee!) sufficiently plugged their new and upcoming album, the boys learn that they will be starring in the song’s video (do people actually watch those anymore?).

Oh, yay. It’s the awkward, forced acting and kissing episode. And, of course, many of the men haven’t had a first kiss with Ali yet so this should be a recipe for certain tongue-shoving-down-her-throat disaster. Okay, so it’s kind of an awesome episode.

And poor Frank, getting slapped (hard) across the face nine times! Yikes, but I don’t know which is worse: getting slapped or not having ANY interaction with her like John C. Ouch!

But, on the other hand, how hilarious was it when Ali and Kirk were making out during their rolling-around-in-bed scene and it was so “real” that most of the guys left the room and the director had to yell “Cut!” like 85 times to get them to stop making out! Ouch for Frank, again!

And a Trifecta of Ouch is completed for Frank when Kirk takes Ali in to the hot tub for some uber-hawt smooch time at the “after party”. I mean, Kirk wasn’t even on my radar until this week, but rawr and a half! He’s smoking hawt and freaking adorable to boot.

The next day, douchey poor Rated-R hobbles his broke ass self down the highway to Ali’s house, which is a few MILES away from the bachelor’s mansion. He either really wants some tv time or really digs our Bachelorette. Time will tell…

Hmmm…after watching Rated-R be a total douche and make a HUGE effort to talk, but not talk, about walking to Ali’s house, I’m 99.9% sure that he is a giant ass hat douche knuckle.

Home is Where the Heart is
Meanwhile, Hunter gets the next ID card and other guys who haven’t had much, if any, time with her start freaking out a bit that they haven’t spent time with Ali. I don’t know if they’d be jealous or not (let’s not kid, they are totally jealous) that Hunter doesn’t get a big unrealistic date. Instead, Ali and Hunter just stay in at her place, throw some burgers on the bbq and play house.

And by “play house” I mean be completely freaking boring and totally lacking in any sort of romance and/or conversation. Yawn and a half. Let’s just say that giving Ali a tutorial on how to start a fire in a fire pit is not the way to a lady’s heart. And sadly, for Hunter, it resulted in being Auf’d.

Back at the final cocktail hour(s), can we take a second to address what the hell Kirk is wearing? I think the guy is adorable, but it hurts, literally it burns my freaking corneas, to look at him during the socializing.

A nice break from the lime green shirt was Steve from Ohio’s impromptu picnic on the walkway in front of the house. 30 minutes later, when he finally popped open the champagne bottle with his delicate girlie hands, they seemed to have a good time. But meanwhile, back in the house, the rest of the boys discuss douche knuckle Rated-R behind his back.

I mean, in front of him.

Seriously, dudes. If you are gonna talk some serious shit, just make sure that the guy isn’t standing on his crutches right behind you. I mean, CRUTCHES, people. It’s not like the dude is a ninja or something. You didn’t hear his hobbling up the path behind you?!

Of course, the shit hits the fan when Ali confesses to Robert-Oh that Rated-R hobbled to her house to see her. All the guys came together to confront him and Rated-R had to admit that he has been a douche for the last day or so. Or, you know, just cry about it.

The Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever
Okay, so this one really wasn’t very dramatic at all. There’s not much I can say besides the bachelors who get to stay in the house and vie for Ali’s attention are: Robert-Oh (rawr), Chris L., Jesse, Chris N. (who is this guy? Did he just show up for the rose ceremony?), Ty, Kasey (what the what?!), Craig, Frank (finally! Give a guy – and me – a complex, why dontcha!?), Jonathan and Justin.

Poor random dude from Issaquah (holla!) never had a chance…

This week, the 17 remaining bachelors will be split in to three dates with our lovely Bachelorette, Ali: one group date (GD) and two individual dates (ID). One each date, there will be rose given out, however, if you don’t get a rose on an ID, you are sent packing. Adios, amigo.

All Signs Point to Love
The first ID is with Frank, the cute nerdy Retail Manager from Illinois. As Frank and Ali jump, literally, in to a sweet-ass classic car, all the boys begin their whining and moaning about how jealous they are. That jealousy might be cut short, though, when the classic convertible Ali is driving craps out on an L.A. freeway! Way to go, producers! Someone’s getting fired right about now…

Instead of freaking out (which I would have promptly done with my severe anal-retentiveness and control issues. Can we say Xanax?), both Ali and Frank just go with the flow, hop in a taxi and continue their Hollywood/Let the Paparazzi Take Photos of Them Date.

To continue the Totally-Based-In-Reality-Date Trend of The Bachelor/ette, they then continue to unlock the gates at the Hollywood sign and chill out beneath one of the Ls and start the smooching action.

Soon the classic car is fixed, just in time for them to sit on the hood (blasphemy!) and pop champagne while they park/neck/shove cupcakes in their pie holes.

Shockingly (not), Ali gives Frank the date rose and they proceed to suck face again. If I were a betting (wo)man, I might put all my money on Frank. Why even go on dates with the other douches?

Speaking of Summer’s Eve, meanwhile, the leftover boys are continuing their temper tantrums at their ridiculously large mansion home, singling out Rated R (gag) for not being honest with them about his wrestling profession at the initial cocktail party. Yawn.

Later, I finally woke up when Tori Spelling’s Husband starts picking fights with, let’s be honest, who knows who the other dude was. Tempers start flaring like herpes. Fight! Fight! Fight!

Picture Us Together
The next day brings 12 guys (Jonathan, Ty, Chris H., Kirk, Hunter, Tyler, Steve, Craig R., Chris N., Craig M., Justin, Kasey aka: Kermit the Frog) to a Malibu photoshoot for a sexy guy calendar (for charity. Uh, which charity?)

And, wow, can we discuss all the Speedos? First of all, yuck. Secondly, even if it’s super yuck, don’t whine like a iddy biddy baby. Thirdly, if you are one of the other guys, maybe you should reign in some of those compliments? I’m pretty sure that there will be some serious teasing going on when these guys get back home and watch the footage of them telling some other strange dude how great his legs and ass look. Yowzas!

After cleaning sand out of God knows where, the party settles down at some random Hollywood bar, fully stocked with drinks which, let’s be honest, spells some awesomeness as far as tensions between the guys is concerned. I won’t lie, I’m hoping that someone throws a drink in Tori Spelling’s Husband’s face (namely Weather Man).

In the end, Tyce, the previously married guitar playing Casanova, got the date’s only rose. I was pulling for you, Weather Man!

Use These When The Time Is Right…
For his ID, Jesse, the General Contractor from Missouri, receives a pair of engraved cufflinks and gets limo’d to an airstrip to take a private jet to Las Vegas.

Again, totally based in reality.

To continue the Date of Luxury, once in Vegas, they hop in their cherry red Ferrari and head toward the strip. After frolicking in a pool and choking down oysters (bleck), the couple get all dolled up and enjoy a dinner for two in Ali’s suite where Ali proceeds to analyze whether or not there is more to Jesse than his hawt tattoos. (She decides there is, but I have my doubts.)

Again, meanwhile, back at the house, Tori Spelling’s Husband (TSH) continues to be a total asshole, specifically to The Weather Man. I think TSH is chicken shit and just taking the opportunity to pick on the smallest, easiest to bully guy in the house. However, Weather Man really needs to ignore TSH – if he doesn’t get a reaction, he’ll probably, hopefully, stop?

But what is even better is when Ali confronts TSH about his douchebaggery and he, for once, comes up speechless. He tries (and I think, fails) at trying to convince Ali that he’s there for her when he hasn’t actually had any conversations with Ali or asks her any questions about herself. I’m really hoping that Ali will break Bachelorette tradition and kick this loser to the curb instead of keeping him around because, well, I can’t really see a reason for keeping this douche around…

And, okay, let’s take a minute to talk about Kacey (aka: Kermit the Frog). The guy sounds like he’s deaf (no offense to the deaf!) and has a half million marshmallows shoved in to his mouth and is trying to talk underwater. And something about him just screams psycho killer/stalker guy with his repetitive “I‘m here to protect your heart“ nonsense. Am I alone in this?

Oh, gawd, and then TSH gathers everyone in to one room to confront the guys about the “dangerous” accusation. TSH goes from concerned to arrogant in T minus 3 seconds once he pinpoints Weather Man as the source. And honestly, why do other guys in the house laugh and encourage TSH’s behavior?! If I were Ali, I would watch back tape for the singular reason of finding out who backs TSH’s behavior and I’d Auf every single one of them. What loooooooooooooosers. Gah!

The Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever
At the second rose ceremony of the season, three of the bachelors will be going home (too bad it’s not 13).

OMG, she keeps Kermit?! WTF?!?!? GAAAAAAH!!

The other guys to stick around for another week of whining and dining are Hunter, Robert-Oh, Chris L., Justin (aka: Rated R), Steve, Kirk, John C.,Craig R., Chris N., and Jonathan N.

Thank GAWD that Douche Bag Craig/Tori Spelling’s Husband got sent packing! What a tool! Suck it, TSH. The End.

Well, it’s that time again ladies and gentleman (who stumbled upon this blog looking for porn or colonoscopy advice). That time of year where we set aside reality and, let’s be honest, our self respect, to watch another season of…

This season features Ali Fedotowsky, the rainbow-shitting girl next door who fell in love with last season’s bachelor, Jake Fucking-Hawt-But-Boring-As-Yawn Pavelka, only to leave mid-season because her employer would fire her if she didn’t return to work.

Now filled with regret for choosing her job over possible 6 month relationship with a Bachelor, Ali is “getting a second chance at love” with twenty-five douchebags single men looking for their television debut a wife.

Because isn’t that how you found your husband/wife/partner/love of your life?

First of all, when we meet all twenty five bachelors, they all jokingly declare that Ali was their favorite last season and are so happy that Jake didn’t seal the deal with her.

Okay, really, though? If I were the Bachelorette, the first red flag would be any dude having actually WATCHED the Bachelor before! It’d be the first trick question in the interview process:

Producer: “So, the next Bachelorette is…Ali!”

Wrong Answer: “Oh. Em. Gee! She was my fave!!”

Right Answer: “Who’s Ali? Oh, from the Bachelor? I never watch that crap.”

The next biggest test is finding out why the bachelors are here. For love? For fame? It’s hilarious to me that the bachelors come for any other reason than in a desperate attempt at a doomed celebrity relationship. You never see the crazy-eyed bachelorettes on the show for anything other than a relationship and/or future stalking and misdemeanor possibilities.

The next five hours of the show was filled with horribly awkward introductions consisting of Ali screeching in nervous laughter and the men blabbing on about God knows what and/or sounding like complete “Let me protect your heart for you even though we’ve just met” sociopaths.

And here’s lesson #3 for Future Bachelors: When the Bachelorette introduces herself (“Hi! I’m Ali!”), DO NOT respond with “I know.”

Really? Seriously?! “I know”?!?! Fucking douche canoes.

Finally, sweet Jesus, FINALLY, after an hour, we finally get to see the men really fista cuffs for Ali’s attention. After the typical guitar-playing, gift-giving, and whining from the men, Ali decides to give the First Impression Rose to Robert-Oh, who salsa danced his way in to her heart.

Next comes the Rose Ceremony, but wait!! It’s time for a twist! The boys get to vote for the top three douche bags in the house and Ali gets to choose whether or not to keep the accused around.

And Top Douche Canoe is…

Justin, the fake wrestler also known as Rated R. (gag)

After discussing the vote with Justin, Ali decided to keep Justin around, to the chagrin of all the other bachelors. How that one dude who looks like Tori Spelling’s husband (Craig M.) evaded the top douche title is beyond me…

After THE MOST DRAMATIC ROSE CEREMONY EVER, Ali is left with fifteen dudes vying for her vagina attention and the title of What’s His Name Again? 2010 Bachelorette Winner.

As you would probably presume, watching approximately 712 primetime shows per week creates a need for a pretty structured television routine.

Take last night, for example.

Since it was Biggest Loser Night, special preparations had to be made.

Sure, some of you would make a special healthy snack of tofu or celery or whatever the hell you healthy people eat. Or maybe you squeeze yourself in to some spandex and workout while watching all the fatties inspirational contestants sweat to the oldies.

Mr. Bee and I, on the other hand, had to make a special run to the grocery store to prepare…

But don’t get me wrong. Each of these items had a very specific purpose:

1. Peanut Butter Cups.
Okay, these are just for the yummy factor.

2. Lifesavers.
If I’m gonna watch a bunch of 300+ pounders working out until they vomit, Lord knows I need something to suck on so that *I* don’t puke my guts out.

3. Sunny Delight.
What the hell I am supposed to wash down those peanut butter cups with?!

4. Pantyliners.
Have YOU tried sneezing without peeing yourself lately? That’s what I thought.

5. Huggies.
In case the pantyliners aren’t enough…

6. Chocolate & Vanilla Ice Cream with Cool Whip.
This is all Mr. Bee’s fault. He will chomp through these two boxes of ice cream in like two days. Seriously, if he was actually able to gain weight, he’d probably be a contender for Biggest Loser’s next season.

7. Ice cream sandwiches.
Well, I can hardly let Mr. Bee eat all that ice cream alone, right? What kind of wife would I be?! And let it be known that you can’t see the “only 100 calories” badge on the box. So what if I ate 12 of them. I’m eating for two now!

Song title: Bad Loser by The Sutherland Brothers