Mom to Bee

When it comes to driving, there are many things that I find irritating.

#1: Crazy bitches/douchebags.

#2: Pretty much every single driver in the state of Washington.

#3: These disgusting things:

But if there is one thing that I simply don’t understand, it’s the grown adults who plaster their cars with cartoon characters.

Seriously, people, it’s bad enough to use your back window to display every single thought you’ve ever had via sticker, a butterfly decal (I’m so girly!) or that super rad turtle stick you found in Hawaii (totally original, by the way), but when you start plastering your back window with cartoon characters? I just don’t get it.

Let’s take a minutes to discuss some of my favorites.

Calvin Peeing

Okay, maybe I’m missing something, but why on earth would you put this on your car? Besides the fact that it’s just gross, what does it say about the person driving the vehicle? And I can’t lie, it kind of makes me throw up in my mouth a little. Pull up your pants, you little asshat!

Calvin Praying

This one almost makes me crash because I’m too busy rolling my eyes instead of paying attention to driving. Honestly, I don’t know which Calvin is more annoying, but both definitely make me cringe.

Any and Every Disney Character

Now our dear friend Mickey here is only the tip of the iceberg. If it’s not Mickey, it’s the Tazmanian Devil (because that means your sassy! oooh!), or Tweety Bird or whatever.

Now don’t get me wrong. I was a HUGE fan of cartoons.

When I was twelve.

Okay, maybe I was 15, but I still knew then that I was too old for that shit. But now that I’m (gag) a grown-up, I simply don’t know what to make out of going to someone’s house (and I’m talking a REAL grown-up’s house) and finding a Mickey Mouse themed-bathroom.

And not a CHILD’S bathroom, mind you. Like just their regular old guest bathroom.

First of all, it’s a little creepy. Almost “Hey kid, you want to see a cool bathroom? heh heh heh” creepy.

Secondly, Mickey Mouse? Really? When was the last time you saw that mouse do anything? The rodent doesn’t even have a regular job yet somehow people become totally obsessed. I know it’s part-blasphemy, part-anti-american, but something about Mickey Mouse just annoys the shit out of me. Even Bee’s diapers piss me off a little.

Lastly, well, I don’t really have a “lastly”. It’s just weird so stop doing it.

And don’t even get me started on grown women wearing cartoon characters on their puffy sweatshirts…

Song title: Cartoon Heroes by The Aqua Velvets

When I left you on Monday, I was just starting the delicious laxative prep prescription to make my bowels shiny and clean for my colonoscopy.

What I somehow failed to mentioned was that, by the time I started drinking the shit stuff, I was already is a piss poor mood.

Seriously, not eating any solid food (after a day of hardly eating anything) was almost the worst part of the entire process.

Almost.

Not only did a little piece of me die inside every time I walked through the kitchen (“Why is that bagel sitting on the counter?! Doesn’t anyone realize that I can’t eat it?? MOTHER FUCKER!!!! RAAAAAAWR!!!!”), but I had a splitting headache due to the lack of caffeine and food all day.

The hunger and head pains came up second to the, yeah you guessed it, disgusting laxative drink.

So what you do first is mix two different packets of powdered death in to the gigantic one liter bottle provided. Oh and with LUKEWARM water. ‘Cause everything taste better lukewarm, right? Following the pages and pages of horror stories tips online, I quickly iced it down and began the hour-long chug.

And it was DIS-gusting.

The only thing I can compare it to is take a glass of water, add 3 cups of salt and 2 tablespoons of lemon juice.  Oh and five gallons of laxative.

I amazed even myself that I was able to drink it without vomiting. My solid technique was gulping down as much as I could at one time through a straw and then, as I started gagging, I chased it with some white grape juice.

It took me two hours to get down what should have taken me one hour.

And then the action began.

To call it a “loose watery” BM is an understatement. At one point, I was pretty sure someone had snuck in and attached a hose to my colon. I pretty much became my own personal sprinkler.

Needless to say, I was on the toilet for a while. Like a my-legs-have-gone-completely-numb while.

Butt (punny!), I got to catch up on Dexter and some True Blood while on the pooper, so silver lining, right?

Tomorrow: Part Two – And The Camera Goes Up My Butt

Song title: Face Down Ass Up by 2 Live Crew

At the end of this last week, Baby Bee’s super sexy boyfriend (can you say a toddler super sexy in jest without it coming across as disgusting and pervy? Yeah, I didn’t think so. Sorry ’bout that.) found out that he has, well, a temporary “condition.”

Well, there’s no easy way to say this, so here it is:

He has worms.

In his butt.

Did you clench your ass cheeks together just then? It’s okay, we’re among friends. My ass has been itching every since I heard the news. I’ll give you a minute to unclench…

Better? Okay.

Well, here’s the good shit. These worms (pinworms, to be specific) come out at night.

Oh yeah, you heard me. These little fuckers, after taking 1-2 months to grow from eggs in to worms (gag) in your stomach (gag), like to poke themselves out of YOUR ASS HOLE at night (dry heave) and lay eggs around your butt hole (vomiting tonight’s gourmet dinner of popcorn shrimp).

Seriously, how the fuck do we have vaccines for fuckin’ small pox and shit but I still have to worry about WORMS crawling out of my baby’s ASS?!

Oh and this is the best part. Guess what the super high-tech technique is for diagnosing pin worms?

Scotch tape.

That’s right, friends. You have to scotch tape your poor little itchy baby’s ass first thing in the morning so the doctor can examine the tape for eggs. Either that or poke around in your baby’s butt in the middle of the night with a flashlight, looking for the worms to poke their little heads out and say hello.

Seriously. What. The. Fuck.

Scotch tape? Really though?! In a world of advanced medical technology, there’s no better way to find out if a child has a parasite laying eggs in their ass crack than slapping some tape up in there? Like they aren’t traumatized enough with itchy butts and mom looking at their butt for five minutes every time she changes their diaper!

Any who, luckily it seems like Bee and her BFF (who all play together approximately 200 hours a week) have avoided Worm Invasion 2009 so far. But of course, they could have little wormies growing in their tummies right now just waiting to poke their little heads out in a month or two (gag).

Just in case, guess what I got to do this weekend (with the help of Mr. Bee)? Clean every. single. toy in the house. Looked a little like this:

While I’m not a huge fan of Worm Invasion 2009, mostly because it means I won’t have the escape of ten million play dates this week, I did at least get my house a little cleaner.

But my ass still itches even thinking about it.

Song title: Wiggley Worm by Nomeansno

I. Hate. Walmart.
On Tuesday, I was forced to shop at Walmart in order to finish my Xmas shopping. I say “forced” because ever since the documentary Walmart: The High Cost of Low Prices, Mr. Bee & I pretty much refuse to spend money at the soul-sucking, small-town-ruining, employee-abusing corporation. In fact, we regularly refer to it as The Store That Shall Not Be Named or, as my husband humorously concocted, VoldeMart.

Despite our dislike for the company, every once in a while we are forced to shop there for gifts because my in-laws LOVE Walmart. For years I’ve tried to influence both my husband and his parents towards the Quality end of the expensive=quality/inexpensive=crap purchasing spectrum. It’s taken about 7+ years, but I’ve finally convince Mr. Bee.

My in-laws? Not so much.

In fact, they would rather have cheaper items so they don’t have to maintain them. I’ve pretty much given up and decided that I’ll just give them the stuff they want so they’ll be happy, even though I’d be happier knowing that I’m not throwing money away on crappy products…

But I digress.

Check this out:

Does the Hive have it’s first ever troll? Am I just misinterpreting “Bubble’s” comment? Is it bad that part of me is bummed and the other part is thrilled that I have a douchebag troll?

Update: DEFINITELY troll(s). I seriously love that such a tame post actually offended someone! My work here is done…

Song title: Mean Mean Woman by John Lee Hooker

I should preface this post by explaining that I have a theory about people. My theory is that if someone insists they are something, they probably aren’t.

Example: Someone who constantly proclaims to be cool, probably isn’t.

I bring this up because this evening, while surfing online for some local Mommy Groups, I came across this page:

Eastside Cool Mommies

I shit you not, these ladies (and I use the term lightly) have Attendance rules, RSVP policies, Sick rules, Drama policies, and numerous disclaimers. Breaking any of these “rules” can risk your “membership” in said group. And puh-lease read their “Welcome” page:

Before you request to join our group, please take a moment to peruse our “About Us” page in its entirety. It may seem like there are a lot of “rules” but we pride ourselves on having a VERY active group, and we have found that this structure helps us to achieve and maintain that.

In addition, prior to gaining full access to our group, Prospective Members will be asked to answer a few detailed questions by telephone or email, as well as meet with one of the organizers. If you were referred to this group by a current member, please don’t forget to mention this, so as to avoid delay in approval.

This policy is in place to ensure the safety of our group.

This will also give you, the new member, the chance to see if this group is REALLY for you. Once a new member is approved, she will be required to attend an event within the first 2 weeks of membership. Failure to do so, may result in removal from the group.

Well, shit. If that ain’t welcoming, I don’t know what is! And god forbid you “lurk” on the site. I’m pretty sure they will put a hit out on your life.

I’m sure I’m violating their “Drama” policy, but what a bunch of Nazi Moms!!

Song title: Trying To Be Cool by Agent Felix

No. No! NO!! DON’T TOUCH THAT!!
Happy (belated) Fourth of July everybody! Today the Bee Family just got back from a 2-day visit to Nana & Poppa’s Lake House out in Shelton. At the left (see photo), you’ll see my overnight bag. Oh yeah, you heard me right. That is my overnight bag for the trip. Now, it was for me and Baby Bee, but still. I was pretty embarrassed to be dragging that ginormous bag around for a day and a half trip!

::Side Note Rant::
Sorry to interrupt, but I have The Next Food Network Star on TV right now and the chefs are on the Rachel Ray Show. I’m sure to finally offend someone here, but oh my God, Rachel Ray annoys the crap outta me. I don’t really have anything witty to add here. She is just way too friggin’ annoying and happy all the time. Someone needs to lay off the Valium. And pass it this way!
/end rant

But I digress…Anyways, we had a big Welcome-Home-and-Congratulations-on-Retiring-from-the-Air-Force Party for Sissy and Family. It was fun but busy and now I feel like I need a weekend at the Lake House to relax!

My big epiphany from the weekend is this: my fifth worst nightmare is being stuck with a toddler in a non-baby-proofed house. (My other worst nightmares? (1)Heights (2)Dolls (3)Clowns & (4)a Clown Doll trying to push me off a cliff. Don’t laugh! It’s funny until it happens to you.)

Anyway, is it not the worst thing ever to have a toddler exploring a house that is not prepped for kids?! I was chasing Baby Bee all weekend! Sooo exhausting! The next time I go anywhere, I’m packing with me a baby gate, safety plugs for outlets and a giant trash bag to dump everything baby accessible. If that doesn’t work, maybe I’ll just try to find a Baby Bee sized straight jacket…

Song title: Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins

The Monopolistic Cable Company just finished “hooking up” (read: flipped a stupid switch and plugged in our modem in to the jack) our cable television and broadband internet. Things are looking up, my friends!

(If you’ve wondered how I’ve been blogging and emailing in the interim, I can tell you that I absolutely wasn’t stealing wireless from our many new apartment neighbors. PS: Thank you random linksys owner who doesn’t know how to encrypt their router.)

Song Title: All I Need by Matchbox 20

In order to not lose my mind, I will refrain from rehashing this weekend’s moving events. Long story short: Mama Bee & Baby Bee are not transitioning to apartment life well. Baby Bee refuses to sleep or do anything normally. Oh wait! That’s only when I’m around!! And, as most moms would expect, I am the only one around the majority of the time (while Mr. Bee is busy with the heavy lifting and moving strategies).

“Oh, you’re plastic. I’m talking to a plastic tree… I’m still doing it…”
On a more uplifting note, Sissy and I got some time to hang out together last night and we chose to see the new M. Knight Shyamalan movie The Happening. I don’t care what any “movie critic” says, I loved it! As is typical with M. Knight movies, it leaves you just creeped out enough that you start looking at the world in a different light when you step outside of the theater doors (if you have enough courage to go outside again after this movie!).

The writing is really good (although, there are some lines that are just stupid). And the dialog is funny! Marky Mark was a little too soft-spoken for my taste and I was very disappointed that the rest of the Funky Bunch were not featured in the movie. Zooey Deschanel, on the other hand, is so adorable, I just wanted to pinch her cheeks throughout the movie!

Sissy and I both agreed that while we liked the movie, we would have loved it even more if it wasn’t “R” rated. This movie has been a big deal because it’s M. Knight’s first R-rated movie, so it gets pretty gory. Both Sissy and I prefer the gross-shit-is-happening-but-M.-Knight-is-making-me-imagine-it-instead-of-showing-it-to-me style that M. Knight is known for.

But overall the movie was suspenseful, disturbing, and M. Knight-a-rific! I’m pretty sure Sissy screamed once or twice and I pretty much watched the entire movie through the slits between my fingers!

Song Title: A Change (Would Do You Good) by Sheryl Crow