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“If you can’t take the heat, get out of the oven.”

26 May

ABC’s The Bachelorette – Season 7, Episode 1

Before I begin my season of Bachelorette recaps, I’d just like to say that the following is all in fun. I don’t personally know anything of these people. I’m sure that in real life they are sweet, kind, and loving people and just play retarded douche bags on tv.

With that said, are you a fan of making fun of people you don’t know? Do you think the idea of finding love through a television show is ridiculous? Do you ever scream things at the television, such as “Seriously, people?! Don’t you know the success rate of these relationships?!?!” Do you like watching television that simultaneously makes you embarrassed yet also strangely feel better about yourself and your life?

If you have answered Yes or No to any of these questions, then you are in luck. Guess what’s baaaaaaack…

As we learn, we are not alone in our disappointment that Ashley, the rainbow-shitting contestant from the last Bachelor, will be our Bachelorette this season.

Ashley, 26, who currently resides in Philadelphia, where she is finishing her degree in dentistry, went from being one of the favorites to capture Brad’s heart on the just completed 15th edition of ABC’s hit romance reality series, The Bachelor, to narrowly missing her goal of finding a future husband.

Ashley and Brad clicked on their enchanting first date at a private carnival, discovering an electric connection and sharing a magical first kiss. After showing Brad her charming hometown and his meeting her family, the roller coaster ride took them to South Africa, where, in a stunning turnaround, their relationship fell apart. It seemed the couple wanted different things out of life. Ashley was frustrated she couldn’t communicate her feelings to Brad, and he gallantly decided to let her go before the rose ceremony, knowing he would not offer her a rose.

Ashley was surprised and heartbroken that her perfect fairytale came to an abrupt end. It would take her time to find the silver lining to this bad situation and move forward.”

Ashley repeats endlessly that she wants no regrets this time around. Well, that makes one of us. I’m already regretting getting sucked in to this like an American business man in the red light district of Amsterdam.

Yeah, that’s right. I went there.

Okay, so now on to the show!

In this first episode, besides learning that sunny, happy Ashley is just as annoying as last season and acts as though she is constantly surrounded by kittens and puppy dogs, we meet our 25 Bachelors who will be fighting (possibly literally) over Ashley’s affections.

Before you watch this season, let’s get the rules for the Bachelorette Drinking Game set. I say you drink every time Ashley says something is “per-fact!” or “sooooo sweet!” But if you are anything like me, you are vomiting in your mouth a bit whenever she speaks, so the drinking game might be a little tough this season…

I’ve decided this season that it would be much more fun to refer to everyone with nicknames as (1) I never can remember their real names anyway, and (2) it’s hella funny.

Ryan (Tree Hugger)
Super adorable and wants to make the world a better place and his first step is to marry the Bachelorette. And put solar panels on the mansion. After offering to “do [her] home” for Ashley, he got the First Impression Rose. I think she just wants a discount on solar panels.

William (Prince William)
He is Adorable. Those dimples? Are you kidding me?! I’m pretty sure that you could put dimples on Freddie Kruger and I’d want to lick his face (but maybe not the acid drippy parts). Apparently dating William means that marriage in your life is imminent. Just not with him. And he likes to discuss his family’s history of alcoholism while shirtless. Because, duh. The only drawback is that he is “just in sales” (aka: works T-Mobile kiosk in the mall). Oh and he likes to do impressions. Barf.

Chris M. (No nickname because he won’t stay around long enough with those jacked up teeth!)

Jeff (Batman)
So this guy steps out of the limo with a friggin’ mask on. Like Phantom of the Opera kind of mask. He thinks our society judges too much on appearance, yada, yada, yada. Hey, buddy? People aren’t judging you because they can’t see your face. They are judging you because you are wearing a mother-fucking batman mask at a cocktail party.

J.P. (Cupcake)
Cupcake is from NY and is terribly cute, but participates in the dumbest conversation about cupcakes ever. Luckily, he is super cute. Like REALLY cute.

Ben F. (Wine Guy)
Has a winery. Makes wine. Brought her wine. Is there anything else you need to know? Also has two doppelgangers on the show with him (Stephen & Constantine).

Constantine (Doppleganger)

Nick (Owen Wilson)
Has the obligatory poem for the Bachelorette. Yawn.

West (Compass)
Widower. I’m pretty sure that you have to have someone in your immediate family that has tragically died in order to even have your application accepted by ABC. With that said, he is absolutely adorable.

Ames (Corky)
He totally thinks he is the shit and spends his personal intro spewing out his resume. I don’t mean to be overly offensive (Me?! Never!!) or offend the differently-abled but why are there some many bachelors that look like they have half-Downs?

Ben C. (Don Quixote)
He is about a 215 on a Romantic 1 to 10 scale. I don’t think he realizes that means he is probably stalkerish. I think we’ve found the new “guard and protect her heart” guy.

Anthony (da Butcher)
Three words: gold chain necklace. Fah-getta-bout it. Also, a priority for him is that a girl is full of life. Well, that really narrows it down…

Jon (‘Couve)
He is from Vancouver, Washington. First red flag: he’s from the ‘Couve. Second red flag: He watches the Bachelor. Third: he’s crying after meeting this chick for like 20 minutes. Pussy.

Tim (Alki)
He is a liquor distributor (he sells “wine and spurs?”) and part-time killer of Mexican wrestlers and other mask-wearing individuals. The first indication that he was going downhill fast was he inability to talk to Ashley upon meeting her. Like, seriously. He was rendered completely speechless. I suspect that he had already had a bit of a drink prior to exiting the limo. Later, he gets so drunk that he threatens Batman with a fight. Instead, he comes off like a drunk mime and he begins hiccupping like a cartoon.

It’s even better, when Tim eventually passes out, that Ash recruit’s the other bachelors to drag him outside to get him safely home. My money is that he’s about to “distribute” liquor all over the inside of that minivan.

Bentley (Douche)
“I have a lot of thing that most people don‘t. PS: I am super awesome and I’m already in love with Emily. What? She’s not the Bachelorette. Well, she should be. Because I love Emily. Is that not her?” Douchey is divorced and has a daughter named Cozy.

Let’s let that sink in for a moment…


Let’s What’s WRONG with these people?! The dog is probably named Sarah or Jessica or something normal. With a name like Bentley you have to be an uber-douche knuckle, right? I mean, I know it’s not HIS fault, but who the fuck is named BENTLEY?! That’s just asking for your son to be an asshat.

Prior to meeting the fellas, Ashley was warned by a friend that Douche is a…wait for it, you’ll never guess…a DOUCHE and is only there to promote his business. Ashley, being the discerning gal that she is, decides to give him a chance and “he seems really genuine.” What does she expect? A tee shirt with the company name on it?

Douche will obviously be the villain of the season with the producers showing the “Even though I’m not overly attracted to her; I’m very competitive.” shot over and over…and over again.

Roses: Tree Hugger, Batman, Constantine, Wine Guy, Lucas, Doppelganger, Matt, Owen Wilson, Chris D. (Now nicknamed Kristy because it sounds like that whenever Ashley says his name), Ryan M., Blake, Micky, Don Quixote, Compass, Prince William, Cupcake, Corky, Douche (and everyone in America collectively threw up in their mouths).

A few guys land themselves in the Who The Fuck Is That/Where’d He Come From?! Category: Lucas, Matt, Micky, Chris D., Ryan M., Blake…

Next week: lots of montages of world travel, lots of douche baggery, ambulances, man drama, hearts breaking, crying, whining and everybody wishes Ashley was really Emily.

The Bachelorette, Episode One