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What Happens in Vegas

27 May

Ah, Vegas.

Vegas, Vegas, Vegas.

Needless to say, Sissy and I had a superb time on our trip last weekend forever ago (sorry), despite having been somewhat molested by the TSA on our way out of Seatac.

Seriously, folks. It seems our choices were either getting a full body xray or having my labia rubbed down by a strange chick’s hands. Sorry, the back of her hands. Because that makes a huge difference.

But I can’t blame them. Sissy and I DO look the part of terrorists…

Obviously our sundresses or the diaper bag I was using as a carry-on (mommy chic, I tell ya!) pushed us over the edge in to the threat category.

Upon arrival in Vegas, we were floored by our awesome view…

And spent way too much time out on the dance floor…

I promise I didn’t wear slippers out on the town in Vegas. These were my ouch-my-feet-hurt-so-badly-I-want-to-die ballet flats.

I also went a little Bloggess on Vegas and went from this:

to this:

Needless to say, I was TOTALLY self-conscious the whole time and when one guy on the dance floor actually touched my wig, I was convinced it would fall on the floor and everyone would scream, “WHAT THE FUCK?!”

Sadly, it stayed on all night. I mean that would’ve been great blog fodder, right?!

Song title: What Happens In Vegas by Phil Vassar

Raise Your Glass

28 Apr

This time next week, I will be in warm Las Vegas for a long girls weekend with Sissy.

I won’t have to be a mom.

I won’t have to be a wife.

I’ll get to be me. Just me.

Well, me with a daiquiri. And hopefully a tan. Because Lord knows you do NOT want to see me in my natural translucent state!

Song title: Raise Your Glass by P!nk

Glitter in the Air (Day Two)

18 Nov

Despite, or maybe because of, all our fantastic purchases on the first day of the Goodwill Glitter Sale, Sissy and I decided to brave the crowds again for Day Two of the Glitter Sale.

Can I just point out that I not only woke up on a Saturday morning at the butt crack of dawn, but I did it the next day as well? I should be getting a medal or something. A trophy maybe. Like one of those little ones with a bowler on it (I’m not picky).

Anywho and whatnot, like I said before, Sissy and I ain’t amateurs so on Day Two we brought reinforcements in the form of my friend, who I’ll call Arla-Shay for the sake of anonymity.

When you see the photos below, you’ll understand why I use pseudonyms on the blog. Trust me.

So Sissy, Arla-Shay and I got to Goodwill at 6:30 and hunkered down for 2+ hours of  “tap, tap, place backs” and vague physical threats to other people in line with us.

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Comforters and folding chairs are my friends.

The awesome part was, while the items weren’t as super fantabulous as Saturday’s had been, this time we weren’t #73 and #74 in line either! We were actually #2, 3 and 4 on Day Two! Wooo Hooo! Eat my dust suckers!

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Don't ask me why that woman in front of us is leaning so far away. We didn't stink *that* bad.

After looking over every. single. item in the store about five million times (and finding a kick ass shiny brooch/pin thingy that said “Jesus” really big on it, which I promptly forgot about when it was time to pay for all your items. I will find you again Jesus Pin. You complete me.), the three of us headed to the Dress Section.

Now, the Dress Section is largely comprised of wedding gowns, prom dresses and bridesmaids dresses with maybe a few cocktail dresses thrown in for good measure.

However, all of these dresses appeared to be made in 1982.

Seriously.

As you could probably guess, after finding a few dresses that made us vomit in our mouths (individually, that is. We weren’t vomiting in each other’s mouths because that’s just unsanitary), it quickly became a contest of who could find the most disgusting dress and try it on.

Consider yourselves warned

See, I plan on having a Christmas party in about a month and once we decided that it might have to have a theme (working title: Formal Festivus Glitter Prom), our game of finding disgusting dresses to try on over our four layers of clothing (which worked really well) turned in to a quest to find a trio of horrid gowns that would be Formal Festivus Glitter Prom appropriate. Because there will be a strict dress code. And hopefully a balloon arch.

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I think that chick behind Arla-Shay is ferociously jealous of her fabulousness.

I’m convinced that Arla-Shay was purposely moving her head at light speed in order to not be clearly photographed wearing this sparkly, heavily shoulder-padded number (Shoulder pads quickly became Priority #1 in our dress choices).

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Which is better: the back of the dress or that woman's floral embroidered jean jacket?

The sexy backless-ness quickly became another High Priority Detail.

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The hills are alive with the sound of music...

It’s really hard to tell in this photo of Sissy, but this dress was a total freakish combination of Jasmine from Aladdin and Maria from the Sound of Music. In fact, I’m pretty sure that it was made from some really horrible curtains.

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This *had* to have been someone's '80's bridesmaids dress, right?

I have something so shameful to admit. While it’s obviously horrible (it has puffy lace sleeves, for Christ’s sake), we couldn’t help but kind of love this dress. It was totally flattering (it probably helped that I needed like 12 people to help zip it up) and the color was really pretty in person.

I feel like I should turn in my unofficial Wannabe Fashionista card for admitting to that previous statements. Let’s all just pretend it never happened, okay?

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As if this wasn't gorgeous enough, check out that off-the-shoulder awesomeness!

I’m starting to notice that large floral embroidered jean jacket lady is in almost every photo with us. It’s starting to really creep me out…

Now, I’m sure this will slightly ruin the surprise for some, but I simply couldn’t hold a photo of this beauty back.

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Oh sweet beady and sequiny goodness. Just look at those sleeves!

You will have to wait for a holiday party recap to see this piece of Goodwill Glitter Gold on me, though…

How’s that for a cliffhanger?

Song title: Glitter in the Air by P!nk

Keep Your Panties On

16 Nov

I know I owe you all a post about the uber fabulous, ridiculous, fantastic, wonderfully successful Goodwill Glitter Sale that I went to this weekend, but since I took approximately 8 million photos of my finds (and didn’t get to sleep in past 5 o’clock the last two days), it’s probably going to take me a day to publish it.

In the meantime, please feast your eyes on this tasty little morsel I tried on at the Sale.

You're welcome.

Jealous??

Song title: Keep Your Panties On by Cquence

Scary Footsteps

12 Oct

I almost died the other night. Fer reals, yo.

On Saturday, Sissy and I slapped on our waterproof mascara, packed our pockets full of garlic and crucifixes, and generally prepared to have the shit scared out of us.

See, one of Sissy and I’s favorite things to do is to see a good scary movie. Now, I’m not talking some gory grossness like Saw XVIII or Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I’m talking really good give-you-nightmares-and-make-you-afraid-of-mundane-things-like-answering-the-telephone-or-taking-showers scary movies.

Don’t worry, I eventually learned to not fear showers. Thank God, right?

With purses full of Xanax and adult diapers, we sat down to watch Paranormal Activity, a movie which has been referred to as the scariest movie. Ever.

In general, I can handle a scary movie as long as I have the ability to hold my hands up to my face during the entire length of the film. That is, I do fine until Sissy (and she does this every time) leans over to me and says, “I can’t believe you have your feet on the floor. That’s how they GIT you!”

Cue feet up on chair and Mama Bee watching the rest of the movie in the fetal position.

If you like scary movies, Paranormal Activity is definitely the movie for you! It starts slow, but builds on your basic things-that-go-bump-in-the-night fears.

Ugh, even as I typed that last sentence, images from the film flooded my mind and gave me the heebie geebies. I really need to see it again. Soon. It was that good.

Honestly, I’m pretty sure that both Sissy and I would’ve wet ourselves multiple times during the film if it weren’t for the audience in the theater. It was pretty barren except for roughly 15-20 gigantic men. It seems that the Washington Huskies played the Arizona Something Er-others yesterday and before the big game, some of the team decided to get the bejeezus scared out of themselves by going to the movie with us.

First of all, I always recommend seeing a scary movie surrounded by a bunch of gigantic, muscular men. Something about it is just slightly comforting. Whoda thunk?

But seriously, I would’ve gone in to a frightened coma if it weren’t for the hilarious commentary they provided immediately after every frightening scene:

Something scary happens. “What the FUCK?!” I hear behind me.

Something even scarier happens with the girlfriend in the movie. “Man, I’d be on MySpace finding myself a NEW GIRL!!”

They were HILARIOUS!

But even that comedic reprieve didn’t stop me from having a heart attack later that night, while I was sitting in a darken living room, by myself (thanks for leaving me alone, Mr. Bee. Way to defend me against evil demons! Wasn’t that in our marriage vows or something?! I swear it was right after something about “for richer or poorer” or some shit…), after Bee had gone down for the night.

*thump*

“Hmmmm…what’s that?” I wonder.

*thump*

*thump*

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” I thought.

*thump thump*

*thump*

“It must be a car outside…”

::listens to car drive away out::

“SIGH!!! Thank god.”

*thump*

*THUMP THUMP*

“Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.”

Despite my inner movie audience telling me “DON’T GO OUTSIDE ALONE!!!” I peeked outside and quickly realized that my “scary monster trying to eat me” was actually some event across the valley celebrating with fireworks.

But I totally almost gotten killed by a scary demon. I swear.

Song title: Scary Footsteps by The Movies

A Secret Secret

10 Feb

I have a secret.

Did I mention that I’m terrible with secrets?

I’ll be able to tell you about this secret in a few weeks, but I do fear that if I don’t get to talk about it soon my brain will explode in to tiny little gossiping fragments, killing me instantly and/or resulting in an orgasmic relief of story-telling.

I will say that what I may or may not be able to talk about may or may not have something or nothing to do with an event I participated in last night.

And it was FUCKING AWESOME.

You WILL be jealous.

Let’s just say it is the fodder for many a fantasy now.

Sigh.

I promise to write up the post today (so I don’t forget anything juicy) and post it as soon as I’m given the Thumbs Up from the (wo)Man in Charge. There will be photos too.

A Secret Secret by Ashley Stove


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