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Status Control

13 Oct

If you are following Mom to Bee on Facebook, last week we discussed which is worse on status update: passive-aggressive crazies or those who shit rainbows and puppy dogs.

Rainbow shitting unicorn posts clearly won the annoying contest. With a couple awesome images to drive the opinions home:

Literally shitting rainbows

Most awesome unicorn ever

Needless to say, full of The Awesome.

Now I pose this new question to you, my readers (aka: judge, jury and executioners):

Which is worse of Facebook: the ever rainbow shitting unicorn lovers OR the people who can’t go a day declaring their love for their husband, wife, daughter, son, mother, sister, father, dog, pony, cabbage patch doll and/or grandmother?

Oh, AND they post it in a creepy, chain letter-esque fashion which makes you feel like if you don’t also post how much you love your husband, wife, daughter, son, mother, sister, father, dog, pony, cabbage patch doll and/or grandmother, you are a horrible person who obviously is going straight to hell.

I clearly don’t identify with the aforementioned rainbow shitters. Everyone has bad days and those people who plaster fake smiles on their faces and insist that life is just puppy dogs and sunshine make me want to leave a steamy crap on their front porch.

For years (more like decades), I have taken issue with a friend of mine whose photo I believe can be found in the dictionary under “Rainbow Shitter”. Since she was thirteen (maybe younger), she has been spreading her sunshine and puffy kittens on sweatshirts love to everyone in her life. It’s always seemed like a total charade to me, even now…two decades later.

Man, she must be devoted to stick with it this long.

Despite my distain for her and her people, I think the “I looooooove my husband sooooooo much” people get my vote.

Sure, they kind of are rainbow shitters in their own way, but somehow the Facebook version with all their little emoticon hearts and chain letter suggestions makes me want to scoop up the cold pile of crap I left on Rainbow’s porch, dump it in to a bag and light the fucker on fire for the “I Love My Husband”ers.

Yes, you love your husband.

I love mine.

But somehow I find the will power to not declare my undying love for my soul mate via status update every motha fuckin day.

See, I have this theory that if you find the need to declare something obsessively (present company excluded, of course. Please continue to post about how super fabulous I am at your convenience), then the opposite is probably true.

Constantly trying to convince people that you are super duper intelligent? Surprise! You are a dumb ass.

Can’t shut your pie hole about how super awesome you think you are? Confidence problem anyone?

PS: You aren’t fooling anyone! If you’d update your status every once and a while with a “I can’t believe my husband forgot to DVR Jersey Shore for me. What an asshole!”, we might actually believe you when you wax poetic the rest of the time.

And don’t chain letter me in an attempt to recruit me to your cult. I’d be much more likely to repost a status update that was somewhere along the lines of “I love my husband to death but I swear to God if he leaves his dirty socks in the kitchen one more time, he’ll be getting Dirty Sock Roast for dinner!” I mean, at least that’s funny (ish).

Additionally, I can’t help but notice that there is never a “I love my wife. She’s so fucking awesome I might just die.” being circulated by all of our husbands. So I’m thinking either (1) they obviously don’t love us because they aren’t professing their love constantly via Facebook status updates or (2) (much more likely) they aren’t annoying drama whores.

So please, continue to love your husband who “is your BEST friend, who works hard to provide for your family, who has been there through thick & thin, who has been a blessing in your life, and to whom you are proud to be married” blah blah blah…

Just keep it to yourself once in a while. Kthnxbei.

Song title: Status Control by Eibol

New America

4 Nov

Vote, dammit.
Remember that here in The Hive, we’re all about judgment and complaining. But if you don’t vote today, you don’t have any right to complain about how the election shakes out. So, in order to join our shit-talking later, please please please please please vote!! Because no matter what, in January, we will have a new president and a new America!

But God help me if that old white dude and his token vagina win…

Song title: New America by Bad Religion


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