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Heartbreak Hotel

3 Mar

My Open Letter to Jason Mesnick of ABC’s The Bachelor

jasonmesnick2Dear ex-BFF Jason,

Wow. Rough night, huh? Where do I even begin?

I guess I should maybe first address Melissa, my favorite “contestant” this season. I don’t care if she’s Dr. Jekyll or Ms. Hyde, there is no way in hell that she deserved what you did to her a few weeks ago tonight. And Melissa, you are so right about the silver lining. It’s so hard to see right now, but let me tell you – I wouldn’t have even met Mr. Bee if it hadn’t have been for a super douche bag that I wasted 1 1/2 years of my life with. He treated me almost as badly as Jason has treated you, so I guess just be happy that you only wasted a few months on Jason I suppose.

Okay. Now on to you, big boy.

First you broke Molly’s heart. Then you broke Melissa’s heart. Well, you know what? You broke my heart too.

These last few months, I have stood up for the “Bachelor from Seattle” on message boards when they called you gay, or short, or a douche bag. Even tonight, in a room of skeptics, I pled for them to believe me. “He’s a really nice guy!” I insisted. “He couldn’t do that to Melissa! I’d put money on it!”

Because I should know, right? I mean I have met/socialized with you in the last month. Oh wait, am I not supposed to tell anyone about that charity fundraiser? Oops, well, I guess since you kind of turned out to be an asshole, I guess I don’t feel so bad about spilling the beans now.

And since we’re on the topic, um, could I get my $100 back? See, the thing is, I gave that money to you, to your charity, because just like Molly and Melissa, I thought you were a genuine, honest to goodness, good guy. I bragged to my friends about meeting you and was totally looking forward to the day that I got to blog all about my super wonderful Bachelor event.

But now?

Not so much.

Because I’m not proud of it anymore. In fact, I feel pretty duped in to giving money to your foundation. Because if you can be so ridiculously callous to someone you supposedly love, what does that say about how you’ll do business? With my money?

(and P.S. I did the math. You filmed the After The Rose Part One THREE WEEKS before I met you. So when you said you were happy and engaged, did you seriously get engaged to Molly three weeks after reconnecting with her? If so, you both are completely retarded.)

But maybe you didn’t think about that when you choose to drag Melissa, Ty, your family, and yourself (including your budding charity) through the mud. Good luck with the fund raising now, buddy.

And ABC (because I know you read Jason’s mail), what the fuck were you thinking? Sure, you got the ratings you were looking for, but us chicks? Yeah, us over here with the vaginas? WE WANT A HAPPY ENDING?! Not this bullshit.

A “normal” season of the Bachelor ends and all us Girly McVag-ersons get to have our sweet romantic story. We get to go home to our husbands and snuggle up thinking “Well, I don’t have a $50,000 diamond ring on my finger but I’m in love with my husband!”

But all this season did was break hearts all around. At 10:00 pm, we were thrilled! He picked the right girl! She couldn’t have been more adorable and the last scene of the three of them swimming, fully clothed, in the pool was cute enough to make one of my ovaries implode.

And then came the jumble fuck. Why, dear God, ABC, WHY couldn’t all of this have been done behind the scenes (aka: not filmed for my viewing displeasure?) I didn’t need to see Melissa get dumped and I certainly didn’t need to see the completely inappropriate making out between Crazy Eyes Molly and Jason right after Melissa left the set.

However, ABC, I can’t expect much from you. You are the same devil that canceled Pushing Daisies

But Jason, oh cry-every-other-minute-to-make-me-love-you-and-then-turn-out-to-be-an-asshat-Jason. I expected much, MUCH more from you.

Luckily, there is a silver lining from tonight’s episode. Instead of coming home to my husband and wishing my husband was more like you*, I thank God that he’s not.

Yours Truly (or until I change my mind at the drop of a hat),
Mama Bee

*Hey, Mr. Bee, I don’t actually wish you were more like Jason Mesnick. Obviously.
Song title: Heartbreak Hotel by Elvis Presley

Bite My Tongue

7 Nov

Dear Blogosphere,
I need your help. I made a mistake. A big (blog) mistake.

I told people about my blog.

And now I have issues that I really need to vent about but I can’t. My brain is spinning like a Jamba Juice blender and the vein in my forehead looks like it’s ready to pack it’s bags and head for greener pastures that are not attached to my head.

When I created my blog, I read about people who decided to be completely anonymous. Some people haven’t even told their significant other about their blog(s). As weird as that sounds, those bloggers have complete and utter freedom to blog about everything. I, on the other hand, can never keep my big, fat mouth shut and had to blab to anyone who listens that “Ooh! Ooh! I have a blog!!” With every single person I tell about my blog, I must add to the list of people topics I can’t discuss…

Stupid stupid Mama Bee.

So if you don’t hear from me for a while, please send out the search dogs. You will likely find me hiding in a dark closet, knees tucked under my chin, mumbling something about wanting to write about my inner demons and interpersonal issues but being stifled by my big stupid blabby mouth.

Center of Attention
On a different, but related topic, I came to a realization last night. Have you ever heard the philosophy that the character traits you find most annoying in other people are really the traits you like least about yourself?

I realized that my biggest social fear (besides clowns) is (unintentionally) stealing the lime light/conversation. I beg and plead for social acceptance through personal tirades/anecdotes/opinions (and especially through my pathetic attempts at humor). But I’m constantly aware of how much I am talking in a conversation and am filled with a fear and paranoia that I am (1)boring everyone, (2)not being funny, and/or (3)being overbearing.

I also realized last night that I don’t think people realize how emotional I am. And by “people” I mean any one who is not directly related to me. My family definitely knows what a huge cry baby I am. I even surprised myself with a reaction to something that I didn’t think meant that much to me, just to discover within myself that it meant a lot.

Oh, I’d love to tell you about it, but please see above.

Song title: Bite My Tongue by Relient K; Center of Attention by Alove for Enemies