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Status Control

13 Oct

If you are following Mom to Bee on Facebook, last week we discussed which is worse on status update: passive-aggressive crazies or those who shit rainbows and puppy dogs.

Rainbow shitting unicorn posts clearly won the annoying contest. With a couple awesome images to drive the opinions home:

Literally shitting rainbows

Most awesome unicorn ever

Needless to say, full of The Awesome.

Now I pose this new question to you, my readers (aka: judge, jury and executioners):

Which is worse of Facebook: the ever rainbow shitting unicorn lovers OR the people who can’t go a day declaring their love for their husband, wife, daughter, son, mother, sister, father, dog, pony, cabbage patch doll and/or grandmother?

Oh, AND they post it in a creepy, chain letter-esque fashion which makes you feel like if you don’t also post how much you love your husband, wife, daughter, son, mother, sister, father, dog, pony, cabbage patch doll and/or grandmother, you are a horrible person who obviously is going straight to hell.

I clearly don’t identify with the aforementioned rainbow shitters. Everyone has bad days and those people who plaster fake smiles on their faces and insist that life is just puppy dogs and sunshine make me want to leave a steamy crap on their front porch.

For years (more like decades), I have taken issue with a friend of mine whose photo I believe can be found in the dictionary under “Rainbow Shitter”. Since she was thirteen (maybe younger), she has been spreading her sunshine and puffy kittens on sweatshirts love to everyone in her life. It’s always seemed like a total charade to me, even now…two decades later.

Man, she must be devoted to stick with it this long.

Despite my distain for her and her people, I think the “I looooooove my husband sooooooo much” people get my vote.

Sure, they kind of are rainbow shitters in their own way, but somehow the Facebook version with all their little emoticon hearts and chain letter suggestions makes me want to scoop up the cold pile of crap I left on Rainbow’s porch, dump it in to a bag and light the fucker on fire for the “I Love My Husband”ers.

Yes, you love your husband.

I love mine.

But somehow I find the will power to not declare my undying love for my soul mate via status update every motha fuckin day.

See, I have this theory that if you find the need to declare something obsessively (present company excluded, of course. Please continue to post about how super fabulous I am at your convenience), then the opposite is probably true.

Constantly trying to convince people that you are super duper intelligent? Surprise! You are a dumb ass.

Can’t shut your pie hole about how super awesome you think you are? Confidence problem anyone?

PS: You aren’t fooling anyone! If you’d update your status every once and a while with a “I can’t believe my husband forgot to DVR Jersey Shore for me. What an asshole!”, we might actually believe you when you wax poetic the rest of the time.

And don’t chain letter me in an attempt to recruit me to your cult. I’d be much more likely to repost a status update that was somewhere along the lines of “I love my husband to death but I swear to God if he leaves his dirty socks in the kitchen one more time, he’ll be getting Dirty Sock Roast for dinner!” I mean, at least that’s funny (ish).

Additionally, I can’t help but notice that there is never a “I love my wife. She’s so fucking awesome I might just die.” being circulated by all of our husbands. So I’m thinking either (1) they obviously don’t love us because they aren’t professing their love constantly via Facebook status updates or (2) (much more likely) they aren’t annoying drama whores.

So please, continue to love your husband who “is your BEST friend, who works hard to provide for your family, who has been there through thick & thin, who has been a blessing in your life, and to whom you are proud to be married” blah blah blah…

Just keep it to yourself once in a while. Kthnxbei.

Song title: Status Control by Eibol

Ms. New Booty

9 Dec

Seriously, I got nothing today, folks. People need to send in some advice column letters or something (hint, hint).

In lieu of my normal hilarity, please enjoy this commercial that I saw on television the other day. Mr. Bee and I have watched it repeatedly and pretty much pee ourselves (and each other – don’t ask) every single time.

Behold, the Booty Pop.

Song title: Ms. New Booty by Bubba Sparxxx

(almost) Wordless Weekend

4 Apr

armorofgodpjs.com

What. The. Fuck.

Seriously.

Walking away (Ignorance Remix)

18 Mar

I promise that this will be the last time (this week) that I will discuss all the haters out there.

To give you some background, this last week a few things have got me a little peeved. (Check my posts out here and here.)

Something else that had me upset/irritated enough to write about was a local news story about some Douche Bag in Bothell who decided that since the coffee at his coffee stand sucked so much that people weren’t coming in, then hey, why not just make my naive, young baristas with no self-esteem wear bikinis. Awesome business plan, dude.

And by “awesome” I really mean perpetuating the strongly held belief in our country, nay, the WORLD, that it is totally okay to sexually objectify women and to monetarily benefit from such a disgusting business strategy.

So on Facebook this week, I used my Facebook status to not describe my “spawn’s” bowel movements, but to articulate my feelings on a few topics. Here are some examples:

[Mama Bee] is disgusted by owners, baristas, and clients of the Bikini Barista trend. Get some self-respect ladies. And dudes? Just go buy a porn or something.

Just in case CB from momlogic.com is reading, Baby Bee pooped yesterday and it smelled gross. Oh, and STFU.

My personal message to anti-mom/children people around the world = Suck it. Hard.

So yeah, I can see how someone who doesn’t really know me might think I might be PMSing raging this week.

But instead of providing supportive comments (like my super awesome commenters) or even reasonable ones, I had a friend Instant Message me on Facebook telling me that I was “impotently angry” and that being an angry PTA mom (which I totally will be when Baby Bee is old enough – as long as there is an issue serious enough to be angry about) is “nothing to be proud of.” Oh, and also that I am “consistently raging about non-issues.”

Mind you, this was all written to me by a “friend,” albeit a friend that I don’t talk to very often, but said conversations usually range from relationship small talk to poop jokes.

But his comments, while annoying, did bring something to my attention: the pervasive ignorance of people in our society to devalue any problem or issue if it does not affect them.

So if you’re the dude who just can’t seem to figure out why a woman, or anyone for that matter, might be disgusted by the success of Hooters and bikini barista stands…

or the “pro-lifer” who has never been raped or gotten pregnant is a less than Stepford scenario…

or the homophobe who doesn’t see why gays need to be “married” just like the rest of us…

or the single (or married) person who hasn’t enjoyed the wonder that is parenthood, but, you know, doesn’t seem to get what the big deal is…

Please remember that just because a situation or issue doesn’t affect you directly, it probably is an issue to somebody (maybe millions of somebodies).

And just because a woman is powerful enough to stand up for what she believes in doesn’t make her a bitch.

It just makes her a blogger.

Song title: Walking away (Ignorance Remix) by Craig David

Minor Threat

5 Dec

So yesterday I got way too caught up in a debate online. The discussion quickly spiraled from a conversation about an anti-theist sign at our state capitol building into a heated debate on the validity of organized religion.

In case you hadn’t previously noticed, I kinda sorta like expressing what I think about that (and, well, everything else).

Obviously, I was a big contributor to the debate and while I’m sure my opinions offend a lot of people simply because I am not religious, I tried my damnest to be respectful to the other people on the forum. Well, except for one guy whose main argument was that anyone who doesn’t think like him is ignorant. But, you know, whatever.

But then I get reply to one of my posts that stands out just a bit.

You know, ’cause it’s kind of threatening my life.

I won’t go in to too many details just in case this fruitcake decides to Google his hateful words but it generally said something along the lines of slitting my throat, death to my family and that I must be a big fat pig. Oh, and a “biatch”. Cuz nothing is more threatening than sounding like a 13-year-old girl. Really, crazy fruit loop? “Biatch”? You kiss your mom with that mouth?

Any who, the comment got axed by the powers that be and I don’t think any one on the forum even saw it but me. Mr. Bee is freaked out, but I kind of knew he’d be and thought twice about even telling him about it.

While I am looking over my shoulder a bit more this morning, I told the Mister that crap like that is the price you pay for speaking up for what you believe in. Or, ironically, what you don’t believe in, as the case may be. Hopefully Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs really is an overweight, D&D playing, religious zealot who had to stop watching Babylon 5 long enough to post his hateful words, but just in case he follows through, this is definitely the headstone I want:

Song title: Minor Threat by Minor Threat


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