Can I tell you how I feel about micro-managing, egotistical, know-it-all power-tripping bitchfaces?

I pretty much hope that they all get herpes covered in genital warts on their face from Santa.

Needless to say, there is more coming soon on this story. Stay tuned…

Song title: Merry F**kin’ Christmas (Live) by Denis Leary

Dude, what’s up with my MIA status?!

Where have I been?

Well, here’s a brief rundown of recent and not-so-recent events:

(1) Had surgery to fix my dis-gusting belly button.
(2) Broke my big toe. Walking. I shit you not.
(3) Caught a monster cold from Bee (thanks, preschool. I owe you one. “One” being a big stab to the neck.), which turned in to a monster migraine-inducing sinus infection.
(4) Got LASIK for my Stevie Wonder-esque vision. I now have zombie eyes.
(5) Will be getting the new iPhone on Friday. My life will soon be complete. Please expect many photo-heavy and completely random posts starting this coming weekend.

Also, if you wanted to win any of the prizes I offered in my latest giveaway, check out The Facebook Page for the winners! And I swear I haven’t forgotten about you, Grand Prize Winner, I just suck giant monkey balls. And have also been dying (see #2 & #3).

Song title: Where Have You Been by Reel Big Fish

Bee: Daddy, can you take Bug to another room so I can play?

Mr. Bee: Sure, honey. In just a minute.

Bug walks past Mr. Bee, trips and falls. Bug starts crying.

Bee: Aaaaaawkward…

Song title: My Daughter by Bermuda Mavericks

At the risk of sounding like I’m drunk, I love you, man. Each and every one of you, whether you agree with me or not.

Nothing brings me more joy than making you smile and/or hopefully laugh your ass off at my fucked up shenanigans. And if I can encourage you to open your mind or, at the very least, reflect on your beliefs and opinions, well, I can’t ask for anything more.

I love you guys. It is such an honor making you smile while you read my drivel on the toilet.

Pinch one off for me.

xoxo

Song title: To The Readers by Yesterday’s Rising

Has your life been feeling a bit empty lately?

Do you feel like you’ve lost that little spring in your step?

Is the only possible way to get out of your slump to watch me get my groove on surrounded by 1300+ of strangers my closest friends?

I thought so.

Be amazed then, people, as I have exactly what you need! This last Sunday, I participated in my very first Flash Mob and it was legend – wait for it – I hope you aren’t lactose intolerant because the next part is – dary!!

See for yourself!

At the 3:20 mark you can watch my fat ass dancing along with Sissy and my cute little 7-year-old niece!

Needless to say, the experience was absolutely incredible! It was soooo much fun and, honestly, my favorite part was seeing the “what the fuck?!” look on people’s faces as the entire crowd around them broke in to dance. One couple even ran right in to me as they frighteningly ran to the outside of the group!

We mobbed three different locations but this mob (above) at Westlake in downtown Seattle was by far the best one. To get an idea of how large the group was, check out this video shot from above!

Video on Facebook

So, yeah, I’m a total Gleek. And now? A flash mobber for life, yo!

Song title: The Mob by Bullys Wit Fullys

Have you seen all the cars with this bumper sticker on the back?

It’s seriously all I can do to not grab a white marker and write:

“Fictional” (or) “a zombie carpenter” (or) “shouldn’t you know?!”

Apparently the sticker comes from jesus-is.org. There, you can make your own end to the sentence.

Some of my favorite from the site:

Jesus is…
“making sure Seattle teams suck so you go to church.”

Jesus is…
“googling himself.”

Jesus is…
“really not as flatulent as you’d expect.”

While this website was obviously created to celebrate the “Son of God” yada yada, there is some serious funny on there too! Check it out!

Song title: Bumper Sticker by The Upsidedown

Bullies don’t have friends. They simply are surrounded by people who don’t have the courage to stand up against them.

Stand up.

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”

Who ever said that is full of shit. A bully can use emotional blackmail just as easy as violence to hurt you. Someone who manipulates the truth, threatens you with the loss of their friendship, someone who flies off the handle easily and has you running to pick up the pieces for them?

That’s not a friend. That’s a bully.

You don’t have to be hit or have your lunch money stolen to be the victim of a bully. Every day, all around the nation (nay, the world), there are people using the strength of emotions to dominate other people. To abuse them with their words. And all around them are witnesses. People who could see what is going on, if only they had the courage to open their eyes.

And stand up.

Don’t look back on your life, on your relationships, and realize that there was something you could have done. You could have helped someone who was being bullied. You could have helped yourself.

You can help today.

You have the strength. You have a voice. You deserve to be heard.

You only need to stand up.

Song title: Stand Up by Mel McDaniel

Dear Universe,

The next time you decide to surprise me with seeing a high school classmate at the store, could you give me a quick heads up so I could, you know, maybe shower and put on some makeup first?

Sure, the person was a checker at the grocery store fourteen years out of high school, but I was such a hot mess, he probably thought I was a hobo.

Love,
The Hot Tranny Mess with Twenty Extra Pounds on Her

PS: Fuck, make that FIFTY more pounds on me since high school. But to be fair, if you are 32 years old and still 115 pounds (1) it’s probably not healthy, and (2) I hate you.

Song title: Mommy’s at the Grocery Store by The Sick Lipstick

Because every else seems pretty petty after reading this, please share your Internet Love with Jen at Maybe If You Just Relax, who just suffered a horribly tragic loss.

Song title: Heart Breaking by Offer Nissim

While I channel my verbal diarrhea in to a roughly coherent form, please enjoy the following video of my daughter preparing for her future in the “entertainment” industry…

Song title: Dancing Machine by The Jackson 5