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So Excited

19 Jan

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I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I sit here, hours from a game that I’m not playing in, going to or even watching (previous engagement), and I feel as excited and anxious as if I’m the freaking quarterback!

GO HAWKS!!! #12thman

Song title: So Excited by Pointer Sisters

Secret Admirer

24 Mar

I have the strangest compulsion.

I have this bizarre desire to rekindle almost every relationship I’ve ever had.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about ex-boyfriends. Those dudes can suck a big fat one as far as I’m concerned (you might be able to tell that I’m not one of those “let’s be friends” people).

Old friends, friends that just grew apart, acquaintances from high school, you name it. I can’t even count how many friends I have hunted down on Facebook. So don’t be surprised if you get a creepy “hi! You went to school with me in the 5th grade and we totally had matching crimped hair! LET BE FRIENDS, MKAY?!!” emails from me. I take crazy pills but they aren’t helping. I swear I’m not a stalker. Much.

I think the weirdest desires I have are (1) wanting to reconnect even with ex-friends who I may or may not have threatened to take to court, and (2) feeling compelled to disclose every crush I have ever had.

And it’s weird (for many reasons) but mostly because it’s not to say “hey sexy! I thought you were super hot 15 years ago. Hubba hubba.” I don’t have any interested in rekindling THAT kind of relationship (Hi, Mr. Bee! Love you!). It’s just this sense that I’ve kept this big secret (okay, it was big in high school) and I just want to let them know that they had an admirer! Could it backfire on me? Sure! Which is why I don’t plan on telling people to their face! My 15-year-old self had enough issues. I don’t need to crush her non-existent ego with a “Who are you?” or “Um, you were disgusting.” response from a high school crush.

Side note: Holy fuck, high school was 15 years ago? I’m old.

Anywho and whatnot, I have just found it really cathartic to let go of silly little secrets like that – the ones that take up space in your head even though they lost relevance years ago. Like which basketball player you had a crush on during junior year (hint: all of them) or who you really wanted to dance with at your senior prom (hint: anyone. I didn’t have a date. {sad trombone}).

Somehow it seems like it would be like a bit of Spring Cleaning for your mind. Or Lobster Bisque for your soul. You know what I mean.

So instead of being all stalkery and hunting people down on Facebook in order to make them (and me) awkward when I declare my 15-year-old self’s undying crush on them or to reignite a friendship which would probably be doomed to end in an episode of Judge Judy, I’ve decided where better to release my secrets/demons/mental diarrhea that no one cares about? My blog, of course!!

Here we go:

M.W. – Sorry we ended our relationship with the threat of court. (See y’all, I wasn’t kidding!) Your baby looks really adorable and I hope you’ve found happiness.

J.L. – Thank you for being the only boy to ask me to dance at senior prom. That dance had more of an emotional impact than you would’ve probably imagined.

T.D. – On that note, thanks for being my “date” to senior prom! That photo of us posed with invisible dates will always be one of my favorites. (PS: How pathetic were we?!)

E.R. – Thank you for teaching me what kind of man I really deserve. And thank you for introducing me to Mr. Bee! No hard feelings?

A.L. – My one “older boy” crush in high school. If only I had not been invisible to every single boy in every school I have ever attended…

J.E. – My other major crush in high school. Please reference A.L.’s notes.

K.S. – Even though you disappeared before graduation, you were one of my closest friends in school and I wish we would’ve kept in touch.

E.E. – Sorry I stopped calling you. You were by far the best boyfriend I had prior to Mr. Bee. Except for that whole going to prom with someone else deal… {sad trombone}

J.H. – I miss you! You may be the most hilarious person I have ever met. Why don’t we ever hang out anymore?!

D.C. – I still don’t believe that anyone could be as happy as you appear to be. Lay off the pooping rainbows and unicorns, k?

Oh mah gawd, this is so fun! Why don’t you try? Post in the comments something you’ve always wanted to tell someone, but never had the nerve or opportunity!

Song title: Secret Admirer by Pit Bull

Pin

22 Mar

And THIS is why Pinterest is full of the awesome.

Song title: Pin by the yeah yeah yeahs

Merry F**kin’ Christmas

22 Dec

Can I tell you how I feel about micro-managing, egotistical, know-it-all power-tripping bitchfaces?

I pretty much hope that they all get herpes covered in genital warts on their face from Santa.

 

Needless to say, there is more coming soon on this story. Stay tuned…

Song title: Merry F**kin’ Christmas (Live) by Denis Leary

Where Have You Been?

10 Oct

Dude, what’s up with my MIA status?!

Where have I been?

Well, here’s a brief rundown of recent and not-so-recent events:

(1) Had surgery to fix my dis-gusting belly button.
(2) Broke my big toe. Walking. I shit you not.
(3) Caught a monster cold from Bee (thanks, preschool. I owe you one. “One” being a big stab to the neck.), which turned in to a monster migraine-inducing sinus infection.
(4) Got LASIK for my Stevie Wonder-esque vision. I now have zombie eyes.
(5) Will be getting the new iPhone on Friday. My life will soon be complete. Please expect many photo-heavy and completely random posts starting this coming weekend.

Also, if you wanted to win any of the prizes I offered in my latest giveaway, check out The Facebook Page for the winners! And I swear I haven’t forgotten about you, Grand Prize Winner, I just suck giant monkey balls. And have also been dying (see #2 & #3).

Song title: Where Have You Been by Reel Big Fish

My Daughter

16 Aug

Bee: Daddy, can you take Bug to another room so I can play?

Mr. Bee: Sure, honey. In just a minute.

Bug walks past Mr. Bee, trips and falls. Bug starts crying.

Bee: Aaaaaawkward…

Song title: My Daughter by Bermuda Mavericks

To The Readers

14 Apr

At the risk of sounding like I’m drunk, I love you, man. Each and every one of you, whether you agree with me or not.

Nothing brings me more joy than making you smile and/or hopefully laugh your ass off at my fucked up shenanigans. And if I can encourage you to open your mind or, at the very least, reflect on your beliefs and opinions, well, I can’t ask for anything more.

I love you guys. It is such an honor making you smile while you read my drivel on the toilet.

Pinch one off for me.

xoxo

Song title: To The Readers by Yesterday’s Rising

The Mob

13 Apr

Has your life been feeling a bit empty lately?

Do you feel like you’ve lost that little spring in your step?

Is the only possible way to get out of your slump to watch me get my groove on surrounded by 1300+ of strangers my closest friends?

I thought so.

Be amazed then, people, as I have exactly what you need! This last Sunday, I participated in my very first Flash Mob and it was legend – wait for it – I hope you aren’t lactose intolerant because the next part is – dary!!

See for yourself!

At the 3:20 mark you can watch my fat ass dancing along with Sissy and my cute little 7-year-old niece!

Needless to say, the experience was absolutely incredible! It was soooo much fun and, honestly, my favorite part was seeing the “what the fuck?!” look on people’s faces as the entire crowd around them broke in to dance. One couple even ran right in to me as they frighteningly ran to the outside of the group!

We mobbed three different locations but this mob (above) at Westlake in downtown Seattle was by far the best one. To get an idea of how large the group was, check out this video shot from above!


Video on Facebook

So, yeah, I’m a total Gleek. And now? A flash mobber for life, yo!

Song title: The Mob by Bullys Wit Fullys

Bumper Sticker

11 Apr

Have you seen all the cars with this bumper sticker on the back?

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It’s seriously all I can do to not grab a white marker and write:

“Fictional” (or) “a zombie carpenter” (or) “shouldn’t you know?!”

Apparently the sticker comes from jesus-is.org. There, you can make your own end to the sentence.

Some of my favorite from the site:

Jesus is…
“making sure Seattle teams suck so you go to church.”

Jesus is…
“googling himself.”

Jesus is…
“really not as flatulent as you’d expect.”

While this website was obviously created to celebrate the “Son of God” yada yada, there is some serious funny on there too! Check it out!

Song title: Bumper Sticker by The Upsidedown

Stand Up

19 Jan

Bullies don’t have friends. They simply are surrounded by people who don’t have the courage to stand up against them.

Stand up.

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”

Who ever said that is full of shit. A bully can use emotional blackmail just as easy as violence to hurt you. Someone who manipulates the truth, threatens you with the loss of their friendship, someone who flies off the handle easily and has you running to pick up the pieces for them?

That’s not a friend. That’s a bully.

You don’t have to be hit or have your lunch money stolen to be the victim of a bully. Every day, all around the nation (nay, the world), there are people using the strength of emotions to dominate other people. To abuse them with their words. And all around them are witnesses. People who could see what is going on, if only they had the courage to open their eyes.

And stand up.

Don’t look back on your life, on your relationships, and realize that there was something you could have done. You could have helped someone who was being bullied. You could have helped yourself.

You can help today.

You have the strength. You have a voice. You deserve to be heard.

You only need to stand up.

Song title: Stand Up by Mel McDaniel

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