Mom to Bee

Can I tell you how I feel about micro-managing, egotistical, know-it-all power-tripping bitchfaces? I pretty much hope that they all get herpes covered in genital warts on their face from Santa.   Needless to say, there is more coming soon on this story. Stay tuned… Song title: Merry F**kin’ Christmas (Live) by Denis Leary

Dude, what’s up with my MIA status?! Where have I been? Well, here’s a brief rundown of recent and not-so-recent events: (1) Had surgery to fix my dis-gusting belly button. (2) Broke my big toe. Walking. I shit you not. (3) Caught a monster cold from Bee (thanks, preschool. I owe you one. “One” being [...]

Bee: Daddy, can you take Bug to another room so I can play? Mr. Bee: Sure, honey. In just a minute. Bug walks past Mr. Bee, trips and falls. Bug starts crying. Bee: Aaaaaawkward… Song title: My Daughter by Bermuda Mavericks

At the risk of sounding like I’m drunk, I love you, man. Each and every one of you, whether you agree with me or not. Nothing brings me more joy than making you smile and/or hopefully laugh your ass off at my fucked up shenanigans. And if I can encourage you to open your mind [...]

Has your life been feeling a bit empty lately? Do you feel like you’ve lost that little spring in your step? Is the only possible way to get out of your slump to watch me get my groove on surrounded by 1300+ of strangers my closest friends? I thought so. Be amazed then, people, as [...]

Have you seen all the cars with this bumper sticker on the back? It’s seriously all I can do to not grab a white marker and write: “Fictional” (or) “a zombie carpenter” (or) “shouldn’t you know?!” Apparently the sticker comes from jesus-is.org. There, you can make your own end to the sentence. Some of my [...]

Bullies don’t have friends. They simply are surrounded by people who don’t have the courage to stand up against them. Stand up. “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Who ever said that is full of shit. A bully can use emotional blackmail just as easy as violence to [...]

Dear Universe, The next time you decide to surprise me with seeing a high school classmate at the store, could you give me a quick heads up so I could, you know, maybe shower and put on some makeup first? Sure, the person was a checker at the grocery store fourteen years out of high [...]

Because every else seems pretty petty after reading this, please share your Internet Love with Jen at Maybe If You Just Relax, who just suffered a horribly tragic loss. Song title: Heart Breaking by Offer Nissim

While I channel my verbal diarrhea in to a roughly coherent form, please enjoy the following video of my daughter preparing for her future in the “entertainment” industry… Song title: Dancing Machine by The Jackson 5