Mom to Bee

ABC’s The Bachelorette – episode 8

This week’s episode began with an extra long “last week(s) on the Bachelorette,” sucking us in to watching everything that we just saw recapped…last week and the last 7 weeks.

Cumming in Georgia
Really, Constantine? You live in a town called Cumming? Was the name Splooging already taken by a neighboring town?

I really don’t know what it is, but I do not trust Constantinople.

That’s right, people. I stole finally came up with a nickname for him with only weeks until the end of the season.

Despite Ashley’s assertion that this “stud” and her have some amazing chemistry, their small talk seems more sterile than my urine. Honestly, the best part of the Greek Pizzeria visit was the huge waitress pyramid rubbernecking out the window.

Obviously, Constantinople’s family is suffering from the economy. I mean, did you see that chandelier? Obviously not the high end model.

Fuck, Constantinople. How about that sister? She’s freaking adorable!! Obviously the attractive genes went to her.

After some serious “don’t take things too quickly” talk, the entire Constantinople clan arrives to the house, ending in some table dancing and his dad shoving bills in Ashley’s underroos.

That’s what happened, right?

This is like home to me.
First off, I’m pretty sure that Corky is Amish. But I’m not entirely sure that this is his hometown since he said “this is like home to me.”

HOLY SHIT! Did you see his family?! The Corky gene definitely runs through the family tree! But on a good note, Corky looks practically NORMAL compared to his siblings. I fear that his sister’s jaw is going to unhinge and she’s going to swallow Ashley whole like an alien snake. And don’t even get me started on serial killer brother. If I were Ashley, I’d be all “Fuck the onion layers. Unless there is a hawt dude hanging out under all the Corky-ness, peace out, y’all.”

Until I saw the indoor pool, that is. What the hell do all these families do for a living?! I’m starting to question the “unexpected” deaths of Corky’s dad and step dad…

Insurance fraud, anyone?”

Snake Sister suggests to Corky that he show his full self to Ashley.

Full monty?

In order to…expose himself(?), Corky takes Ashley to his “favorite tree” in the local garden. Seriously? Does he just go solo picnicking every day? Maybe the tree was his only friend while he was in high school.

I had to choke down my edamame hummus when they started sucking face. I mean, could you imagine the foreheads on their offspring?! It’s be like Dr. Phil and the SNL Coneheads had a baby.

Gimme wine.
Ashley visits Wine Guy in…wait for it…wine country – Sonoma, California! Because I love Ben so much, I’m dropping the Wine Guy for a moment, in hopes that he will cyber-fall-in-love-with-me and drop that zero and get with the hero.

The hero is me. Just clarifying for y’all.

FINALLY, Ash is hanging out with someone that she has actual chemistry with.

I’m sure the bottles of wine don’t hurt either.

As if I didn’t love Ben enough, then he started talking about his mom being a “cool girl” and his late father…omgkillmenow.

When they finally go visit Ben’s mom and sister, we learn that FINALLY there is a Bachelor whose family doesn’t own a small plantation. You know, besides the vineyard and winery.

I totally love Ben’s family and I won’t lie, the death stare that his sister gave Ashley while they were hugging? CLASSIC! The look said “hurt my brother and I will stab you in the eye, bitch face.”

And just as I was getting all catty and feisty, Ben starts talking to the camera about how much he misses his dad and goddammit this reality show has made me cry!

I’m a sucker for dead people.

“Why did it have to be sunny?!”
Cupcake takes his adorability factor to an 11 when he brings Ashley to the roller rink for a skating date!

Personally, my wet dream. See: my 30th birthday party.

While I love Cupcake to death (albeit, not as much as Ben), all that old relationship talk got old and blah blah blah yawn…sorry, I fell asleep there for a minute.

Ashley finally meets Cupcake’s family at the shack. No really, they live in a totally normal house, it is just ridiculous the difference between his house and Constantinople’s. Makes me like him more, honestly.

His family seems very nice, although his mother seems strangely preoccupied with buttons. Lots of buttons. But Mrs. McLikesButtonsALot is super blunt and asks JP straight out if he loves her and would he propose to her! As Mr. Bee wisely points out, no one in his family gives Cupcake any sense of self-confidence. It’s more like “ZOMG, you are totally going to get your heart broken. But you can come back home and live with mommy and sew more buttons on to my cardigan.”

Finally, Mom and Ashley hug it out with a “I think you’re great!” “No, I think you’re great!” competition.

Then we top it all off with a Kirk Cameron-esque 80’s bar mitzvah photo. Did I mention it was practically life size?

Mom’s a little too attached. I’m wondering if that photo hangs on her ceiling?

The most dramatic rose ceremony ever
Why no more cocktail parties? How are they supposed to support their budding alcoholism?

Sidenote: the back of Ashley’s dress just made me throw up in my mouth a little.

And the roses go to: Ben.

The end. Shut off the television. Show’s over.

Okay, fine. There are other guys too…Cupcake gets a rose, followed by…

“Gentlemen. Ashley. It’s the final rose tonight.”

Constantinople!

DAMMIT! Ames/Corky gets sent packing!

First of all, is someone going to explain to Ames what just happened? I swear he has a perma-concussion. He is just always clueless!

Not to beat a dead horse, but I’m convinced that Ames is one of those people who accidentally had a railroad spike shot in to his head and in fifty years the doctors will look back wondering how he sufficiently functioned in society.

Next week on the Bachelorette: Eh, I didn’t pay attention. I’m sure they go somewhere tropical and something really dramatic happens.

ABC’s The Bachelorette – Episode 7 (last week’s episode because I can’t get two minutes to rub together nowadays to blog, my sweet and patient readers!)

Traveling to Taiwan
Ashley and the boys are now on their way to the hidden jewel of Asia, Taiwan. Ashley informs us that “not very many people know about it”…

…except anyone who has ever looked at a label to see where something was made. Or the 23 million people who live there.

Really Ashley?! Just when you think she couldn’t say anything dumber than last week…

Chris Harrison addresses the remaining six bachelors from roughly a football field away, informing them that this week there will be FOUR dates – three one on ones and one group date, which will be the only rose date.

Cupcake is already getting possessive, in a good way, about sharing Ashley with the other guys.

Wait until the sloppy seconds fantasy suite dates. That dude is gonna foam at the mouth.

“Let your love light shine”
Constantine gets the first one on one date and Ashley arrives decked out in 5-inch heels and a shirt that features this week’s body part: her back. I foresee a lot more backless shirts in our future…

Because of said stilts she was wearing or because she is a five year old, Constantine had to give her a piggy back ride.

VIMMAL

Ever the egotist, Constantine asks Ashley why he is on the date, what does she sees in him?

EXCELLENT question.

When Ash says that he is exactly what she is attracted to (which, barf, am I right?), you can see Constantine’s head inflate with hot air.

He’s totally a slimy version of Wine Guy, by the way.

However, Ashley, upon letting go of her love wish lantern (I’m hoping her love wish was about Cupcake), declares that the date was just “per-fact.”

You know, except for the dog peeing on the love wish lantern.

“Let’s spend a gorges day in Taiwan”
Wine Guy meets Ashley at a state park and the two hop on a moped to cruise a massive gorge.

Are the helicopter pilots on strike this season?

Later that evening, wearing my 8th grade dance dress, Ashley references the wine Wine Guy brought her the first night. Seriously, Ash. He. Owns. A. Vineyard.

Case closed. Game over. MARRY HIM!

After almost declaring his love for her, Ashley confesses to the camera that she is falling in love with Wine Guy too and feels like he’s already her boyfriend!

And then Wine Guy doesn’t return back to the bachelors’ suite until morning!

Squeee!

Ben and Ashley, sitting in a tree…

“I’m grooming you for the big day”
The lucky bachelors, Will Forte, Corky and Cupcake, join Ashley on the group date with the only date rose available this week.

Upon opening the group date invite, Tree Hugger realizes that he finally has a one-on-one date with Ashley and blows his load all over the other bachelors.

At the group date, because the fake wedding with Prince William wasn’t awkward enough, the three men have to dress up in costume and take wedding photos with Ashley.

::rolls eyes::

Will Forte is decked out in a classic Taiwanese dress thingy. Corky looks like he’s wearing a tux from the Liberace collection. And Cupcake is in…a tux.

Basically the whole date was Cupcake bitching about having to watch Ashley kiss the other two guys. If it wasn’t awkward enough, there is the only date rose for this week sitting in the middle of the table.

During the face-to-face time with Ashley, Will Forte admits to feeling foolish and whines about having to wear his man dress during the photo shoot. Corky shows Ashley some childhood photos of him riding the short bus.

Seriously, doesn’t he seem like he’s still confused and befuddled from his concussion?

Following a super game plan, Cupcake decides to just whine and bitch about what a horrible, jealousy-filled week he’s had. Shockingly, it works! Ashley gives him the only date rose this week.

Hold the phones, people!! WHY THE FUCK is Corky wearing hot pink pants with a matching watch?? Was the Liberace tux not gross enough for him?!

Could he be any more retarded?!?

“Let’s get a taste of Taipei”
Ashley lures us in with another hospital gown that hasn’t been tied in the back sexy backless shirt as she meets Tree Hugger in a public square.

And as if church wasn’t romantic enough, the two annoying Westerners wander through a huge church/prayer event. Then, the two decide they couldn’t possibly get married since they lost at Taiwanese Dating Craps (trademark!). Ugh, these dates just get more and more awkward as time goes on.

Despite his early adorableness, Tree Hugger quickly spirals in to a smile awkwardly phase. Oh, and don’t forget the nervous giggles. From him, not her.

And wow, then he quizzes her about what has she done for the environment lately? And then a lecture about water heaters?! Jesus Christ. Even the producers thought his environmental information was too boring to play without a voice-over interrupting it.

In response, Ashley violently rips his heart from his chest, slices in on a mandolin, sets fire to it and then pees on it to extinguish the flames. Tree Hugger is stunned to say the least and trades the happy smiles for a wounded bunny look.

Cue sad I-just-want-someone-to-love-me interview.

After spewing some expletives in the bushes, TH returns to the camera looking like he’s going to blow chunks all over the producers. Then he sadly meanders out to the street where he hails a cab and most likely gets mugged on the way to the airport.

The most dramatic rose ceremony ever.
Once again, while our beloved host taps his fingers together like Dr. Evil, Ashley decides that she doesn’t even need a cocktail party (to Will Forte’s dismay).

Man, I hate Constantine’s face.

Sporting an elaborate Greek Goddess meets Prom Dress with Cut-outs, Ashley speaks slowly so Corky understands and then hands roses out to…

Constantine (really?!), Wine Guy and…Corky (what the fuck, yo. Even the back of his jacket was all safety pinned so he looks more normal.)

Will Forte says goodbye to “sweetie” and carefully refrains from punching someone during his interview.

Next week on the Bachelorette: Bachelor Home Dates! I’m not gonna lie to you, I’m secretly hoping that everyone in Corky’s family has down syndrome. I mean, is handi-capable.

I love things.

But not just things.

I love things that hold other things.

Sometimes even things that hold other things that hold other things.

This is, well, one of those things.

Mother’s Helper Pill Box – $12-15 (depending on store)

Please note the “Better living through chemistry” which will soon be a rotating headline in my banner!

So basically this is a case that holds pills which hold my happiness. If it had it’s own carrying case, I might actually have a seizure.

DISCLAIMER: No one, anywhere, from any business, has any idea who the fuck I am. I certainly am not being paid a goddamn cent for my reviews and/or suggestions. If pigs begin to fly and someone does decide to pay me for anything, you will be the first to know.

Song title: Favorite Things by Connie Talbot

So, um, remember that time I admitted my addiction to Old Navy tank tops and my budding desire to match all of said tank tops with color-coordinated flip flops?

I bought more.

I’m so ashamed. Not really.

And since I’m already gonna lose my 7 day chip of tank top sobriety, I might as well admit that I started a collection for Bee too.

Basically Old Navy is my dirty, dirty meth dealer who keeps on having $2 tank top and flip flops sales. You know, if meth dealers dealt in drugs and flip flops. They do, right?

Song title: Addicted To Pieces by NoMara

ABC’s The Bachelorette – Season 7, Episode 6

First of all, let’s start out this week’s recap with a little disclosure that while watching and blogging the “A notorious former contender returns” episode, Arla-Shay and I are competing in a Bachelorette drinking game.

“Bentley” = 1 chug
“per-fact” = 2 chugs
Ashley wearing a button down shirt = 1 chug
Ashley wearing a “look at my navel” shirt = 1 chug
The big whammy is a button down navel staring shirt combo = 3 chugs

Let the party begin…

FYI: In order to maintain the authenticity of my severe drunkenness, all typos, misspellings and drunken ramblings will not be edited and will remain in their original, embarrassing form.

This is gonna be rough. We just had to chug four times during the recap of last week’s episode alone.

Our beloved host, Chris Harrison welcomes the bachelors to Hong Kong and then promptly heads down to Ashley’s suite to discuss, who else, Bentley (aka: Douche).

I’m not messing with you. Both of us have almost finished our first drink and it’s only four minutes in to the show.

We are so fucked.

Ashley learns that Douche is in her hotel RIGHT THIS MINUTE and promptly cries and is pathetically in love with him. Determined to “get some answers” she then quietly ponders the situation in her room.

Oh mah gawd, my legs are getting tingly.

Once Ashley is sitting down face-to-face with Douche, the awkward small talk begins. He can’t even keep a straight face when he declares that he traveled across the world to see her. THEN he says that they are totally on the same page! What NERVE!! He is such an asshole!

He strings her along with the whole “leaving was so hard” bullshit and vague “I think you know where I’m at” and since she is here for a “reason” and a “purpose” and maybe she should just explore her options with the other guys.

FINALLY Ashley gets to the point and asks if “this is our period.” Girl finally grows some lady balls and dishes Douche some shit about the way he has treated her and asks why exactly he HAD to take a free trip to Hong Kong instead of telling her this shit on the phone.

FINALLY!!

After all is said and done, Ashley finally realized what a fucktard Bentley (chug!) is and how horribly he treated her. And now we get to see how the other men react to the Douche news.

Typing is getting pretty difficult right now. Too. Many. Chugs.

“let’s find our good fortune on the streets of Hong Kong”
Will Forte/Lucas
The couple start their date in neon central and watch a weird dragon show on the street.

“Look at the street market. They are selling things.” Really Ashley and WF? WORLD travelers?!

After eating some chewy pig intestine, Ashley and Will Forte dine aboard a beautiful sailboat.

Man, I’m in to my second drink already. Let’s feeling like noodles made of Jello.

Despite his ridiculously boring conversation and an abundance of honey and “sweethearts”, Ashley gave him a date rose and a first kiss.

Let’s get our hearts racing
Group date: Tree Hugger, Mickey Mouse, Constantine, Wine Guy, Corky, Blake

Fuck. Button-down, navel gazing shirt combo!

Dragon boat racing teams: Wine Guy & Constantine, Blake & Tree Hugger, Corky & Mickey Mouse

After being assigned to teams, the men have to recruit locals to help them paddle their dragon boats. Blake & Tree Hugger start by finding a translation where as Corky & Mickey Mouse recruit actual dragon boat competitors. I say Corky & Mickey Mouse, but basically Mickey spoke to everyone and Corky just stared and said “awesome” a lot.

Wine Guy & Constantine “entered the red dragon” (that’s what he said) by sporting some “authentic” (read: touristy) red silk kimonos. Despite that, they get “smoked. Like salmon, bro.”

Still suffering from downs syndrome his concussion, Corky and Mickey Mouse win the dragon boat race. What are the chances?

Since the Bentley situation has been dealt with (CHUG!), Ashley is happy enough (drunk even) to make out with Corky on the elevator.

Vomit. From the kissing, not the drinking.

It was like watching someone make out with their brother. With their mom watching.

Shortly thereafter, Ashley spreads a little herp and Corky spit with Wine Guy. And Wine Guy is totally falling in love with Ashley.

If Ashley doesn’t marry him, Arla and I will.

While awaiting his alone time with Ashley, Blake continues to bitch about Tree Hugger and how irritatingly nice he is. Don’t you HATE that?! (Actually, I kinda do…)

And during their “I would kill myself if Tree Hugger gets the rose” conversation, Ashley…wait for it…gives Tree Hugger the date rose.

I don’t know if it’s the episode or all the drinking I’m doing, but that was AWESOME!

Side note: Typing is getting progressively more difficult. Please excuse the forthcoming spelling and typing errors.

Let’s take a peak in to our future.
A one-on-one with Cupcake.

Shit. She’s wearing ANOTHER see-through shirt! If we would’ve known, that would’ve been worth at least 4 chugs

Ashley and Cupcake immediately begin discussing the future, wherein Cupcake speculates that in a month someone might be getting down on their knees.

What is Ashley doesn’t LIKE to give bjs, JP?”

For whatever reason, Ashley decides to disclose to Cupcake that Douche came to see her in Hong Kong.

And so begins my speedy downward spiral in to shit-faced-ness.

After dishing out all the dirty details, Cupcake is pretty sweet about the whole situation, even though he looked a bit shell shocked about the whole “Bentley Situation.”

Spoiler alert (fuck that was difficult to type): Ashley gives Cupcake/Jordan Paul the date rose.

Cupcake is so squishy and lovey when it comes to talking about Ashley.

Aaaaaaah!

Later, they enjoy the Hong Kong skyline while listening to a soup can with strings being played in the background.

Holy shit, I am so drunk right now. Example: I just had to press the backspace key about 40 times, just to time this sentence.

Breaking news: There apparently is a new Stayfree product that puts windwills in your vagina. Sounds dangerous.

The most dramatic rose ceremony ever.
I think Arla and I are considering that dress as a navel gazer as it is so low cut, if I were wearing it, you’d be able to see my c-section scar.

I’m really impressed with how coherent this post is, despite my total wastedness. Christ balls, as Arla would say.

Sidenote: I have never had so much difficulty typing “block quote” in my life.

Yeah, um, thanks for stuttering over the name Bentley, Ashley. I blame tomorrow’s hangover on you.

After Ashley’s disclosure about the “Bentley situation,’ the men go ape shit/crickets. Blake in particular, seems pretty pissed and confrontational about the whole thing.

Cupcake and Tree Hugger are totally supportive of Ash, while all the other bachelors are freaking the fuck out about “everything”.

Honestly, I think these fucktards are just looking for an excuse to “peace out” of the show and the situation. Especially Constantine, who doesn’t appear to be invested in the “process” for a while.

apparently being drunk makes me “quote” things more frequently.

Wow. On Mickey Mouse’s one-on-one with Ashley, he up and LEAVES! Which is awesome, because Ashley, instead of eliminating him, forces him man up and leave if he wants to. Good for her!

Drinking lesson #1: NEVER, ever break the seal.

During the vagina monologues with OBH, Chris Harrison, Ashley ugly cries and OBH Chris gives some psych 101 advice.

I really, REALLY wish that everyone would stop saying “Bentley.”

Roses go to: Cupcake, Will Forte, Tree Hugger, Wine Guy, Constantine

“Ashley, gentlemen, it’s the final rose tonight…”

CORKY!!!

With a “Blake, I’m sorry, man” from Chris, loser (nope, I was right the first time) loser did not get a rose and gets sent walking from the random Oriental rug.

Next week: I don’t know. Some shit happens.

That’s what she said.

ABC’s The Bachelorette – Season 7, Episode 5

(I can’t believe that I totally forgot to post this last week! This week’s recap will be up soon, too!)

“Ashley and the men travel to Thailand”? Is it just me or didn’t that already happen the week before?! My geography isn’t strong but I kind of thought that Phuket, Thailand was in, you know, THAILAND?

This week, the men will compete for our “perfact” Bachelorette’s heart in a one-on-one date, a two-on-one date (think kinky Thunderdome – two men enter, one man comes…home to the States) and a group date.

According to Corky, this new city, Chaing Mai, is the perfact place to fall in love. You see, it’s full of thousands of monks wandering the city. Because monks are sooo romantic. Once again, good choice, Ashley.

Ashley enters the scene wearing guess? Just guess? A BUTTON DOWN SHIRT DRESS! I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.

Let’s fall in love in Chaing Mai
First of all, that’s a really creative date card, right? All the men, especially Corky, are dismayed that Wine Guy is chosen for the first date with Ashley. They have obvious chemistry and the men are starting to feel those twinges of jealousy for the first time.

While cruising a street market, Wine Guy says that it was all he was hoping for. “It feels like I’m on vacation with my girlfriend.”

Collective “aaaaaaaaaah!”

As they sit together and discuss how it would be sacrilegious to kiss at the temple they are visiting, Wine Guy suggests a “mental kiss” and I’m pretty sure my ovaries exploded with the cuteness. Later at dinner, Wine Guy reminds Ashley that he makes wine for a living.

Seriously, if she doesn’t marry him, I will.

Then to really make our hearts total mush, he tells the story of his dead father and how it helped him mature in to the man he is today.

Because she would have to be mentally retarded not to, Wine Guy was awarded the date rose.

Despite the squishiness, I predict that Ashley is slightly checked out of the whole dating process this week. Something in her face (besides the norm) just isn’t right.

Love is worth fighting for.
The Group Date Contestants are: Constantine, Corky, Mickey Mouse, Jackass Blake, Will Forte, Tree Hugger, Cupcake, Owen Wilson (who I think I meant to call Matthew McConaughey from the beginning. Oops!)

Ashley, in her sports bra (I’ll give her a pass since they are actually exercising today), announces that the boys will be Thai Boxing, whatever that means.

Oh wait, apparently it means that they are being trained in a gym while being punched in the stomach. Fuuuuun.

Corky is shirtless again. It seriously makes me ill.

After their energy has been exhausted, they don shiny little boxing outfits and hop in the back of a truck to be taxi’d to the town square.

To fight each other. In public.

Best. Date. Ever.

Seriously, what is Ashley thinking with these dates? Take a bunch of hawt guys and then make them smash each others faces in? She literally likes damaged goods.

In the “Let’s see who can punch someone in the face the hardest” dating contest, Blake beat Will Forte, causing Ashley to ponder, “Hmmmm, was this date a bad idea? Nah, I’ll keep making them fight.”

Soon after, Cupcake starts getting his ass kicked by Mickey Mouse and then the feisty little fucker comes back to win it! I mean, he was getting WHOOPED There it is-style and then BAM! BOOM! POW! Totally full of the Awesome.

Next, Corky got killed, almost literally, by Tree Hugger Ryan. Who would’ve thought that Tree Hugger had that much pent-up rage inside him?

Raises hand.

After a considerable beating, everyone is worried that Corky is really hurting, but honestly, how does his numbed out face look any different than normal? Have you ever noticed that his expression is always along the lines of “Uhhhh, what is going on right now? Where am I?”

Lastly, Constantine beats Owen Wilson, but at this point, everyone’s attention is on Corky as he heads to the ER to get checked out.

For reals, Ashley. The guy needs a friggin’ helmet in his day-to-day life, let alone when he gets his head bashed in by another guy.

Was he finally diagnosed with Downs?

Ashley has an “ah ha!” moment while Corky is getting the once over by what I‘m sure is excellent medical care in Thailand: “I don’t even want to know what’s it like to get hit.” Hypocritical much? But there isn’t much time to reflect on her bad decision making because Corky finally reappears after his stint in the hospital.

OMG, Ames is so slow. Like more than normal. It’s so awkward watching him flounder for words and slurring the ones that come out.

Luckily, I guess having a concussion is a turn on for Ashley. And apparently entertainment for the cocktail party as well. Let’s ask Corky questions and listen as his brain swells!!

How embarrassing. For everyone.

During a one-on-one moment with Ashley, Will Forte’s crazy eyes seem to be developing, especially when he dry humps Ashley gives her a golf lesson.

Why, Lucas, did you bring a club with you tonight? A wood, perhaps?

After Blake whines Ashley-style about needing reassurance that Ashley lurvs him or not, Ash presents him with the date rose. Wow, these two are made for each other.

Co-dependant and completely insecure.

Guide me to love. Two men, one rose. One stays, one goes.
The two-on-one Thunderdome will feature Don Quixote v. Prince William. Obviously, I hope Don Quixote gets sent packing.

Starting the date off right, Ashley is finally wearing a hella cute outfit! I seriously wanted to reach through the screen and rip that necklace off her neck. SO cute!

Ashley relaxes Cleopatra-style on a bamboo raft while Don and PW push a raft with big sticks down a river. Poor PW gets stuck up front steering the raft while Ashley has some perfact time with Don Quixote in the rear.

PW spends his one-on-one time telling Ashley that DQ is planning on what to do when he goes home (apparently he plans on joining 900 dating websites), instead of gushing 24/7 about Ashley.

When they get back to the picnic, Ashley doesn’t waste any time. She straight up kicks Don Quixote to the curb without even talking to him about the whole dating website issues. DQ doesn’t seem too torn up about it and neither does Ashley. I think Ash was already planning on sending him packing and PW’s disclosure just sealed the deal.

Later at dinner, PW does his best to reignite the spark between the two of them. Despite his best efforts (and his ridiculous adorableness), Ashley sends him packing before he even finishes his chow mein.

How rude.

It’s so sad to hear PW describe how horrible he feels and what a shit-spiral his life is.

Don’t be sad, William. You are SO gonna get laid when you get home.

Most dramatic rose ceremony ever.
Ashley begins yet another awkward cocktail ceremony by admitting to the men that she knows that all probably won’t fall in love with her. The reactions on the bachelors faces were a collective, “huh?”.

She follows that up with horribly insecure and awkward “do you like me?” conversations with each and every bachelor, while still mulling over her past “relationship” with Douchebag Bentley.

During her girl time with Our Beloved Host Chris Harrison, she finally admits that she needs closure with Douche.

OBH reassures Ashley that (1) seeing Bentley again is a shit-tastic idea, (2) nothing good can come of any of this, and (3) she totally needs therapy. Like Brad Womack-esque therapy.

Okay, maybe I’m extrapolating on that last one a little bit.

Without further adieu, another week, another loser going home…

Roses go to: Wine Guy, Ass Face Blake, Constantine, Will Forte, Cupcake, Corky, Mickey Mouse and Tree Hugger.

Voted off the island: Owen Wilson. I mean, Matthew McConaughey. Nick. Whatever.

Next week on the Bachelorette: THE MOST DRAMATIC CONFRONTATION OF A DOUCHEBAG EVER. Actually it’ll probably be a total non-event.

So apparently Mr. Bee has instituted a new rule at our house.

It’s the “Help the baby before you run to find the camera” Rule.

Song title: New Rules by Shine 2009

The other day, I came to an embarrassing realization.

I am an addict.

Maybe I should back up and start at the beginning. Or, at least, the beginning of my epiphany.

You see, about two weeks ago, a little website called Groupon (maybe you’ve heard of it) had a deal for another little business called Old Navy. Since I am a mom and my clothes are far more likely to see the inside of a bouncy house place than, well, any place hip or chic, I am quite the fan of $8 tee shirts.

So, obviously, when a Groupon came around giving you $20 of Old Navy credit for only $10, naturally I bought…four. Dammit, make that five.

((looks away sheepishly))

During the last few weeks, I’ve gone in to Old Navy (ON for the hip crowd) to buy a little this, a little that, some more of this… But it wasn’t until I finally unpacked all the shopping bags and hung up the clothes that I noticed a phenomenon occurring in my closet.

If you can’t tell, that’s roughly 24 different tank tops. Most of them are different colors or with/without embellishments.

But that’s not even all of them. It is laundry day…

My name is Mom to Bee and I am addicted to tank tops.

I won’t lie. I want even more of them. And I secretly want flip flops to match each one.

And I will defend my obsession to the end. I mean, they can be pajama tops, layered together or with shirts, sweaters and/or cardigans.

Damn, that’s a lot of layering

And they prepare me to be a wife beater so there’s that.

What more could you ask for?

Song title: Fully Tanked by MV & EE

Does anyone else out there have an insatiable urge to reconnect with old friends, even (or especially) if the friendship ended badly?

You can pretty much guarantee that if you were once a friend of mine and our relationship ended more than five years ago, the thought of tracking you down on Facebook/Google and sending a “How are you doing?! Isn’t it totally funny how our relationship ended with a threatening of small claims court and a hearty Fuck You?! ::insert awkward laughter::”

I regularly have to remind myself that there was a reason that these relationships ended (mostly the other person being full of The Crazy) and I probably wouldn’t want to be their friend again even if I could hunt them down on the Interwebs.

But what if they’ve changed? What if getting married and pushing a baby out of their vag hole has somehow made them less of a bitch face? We could be friends again and talk about…you know, stuff and whatnot…like how they totally ditched our friendship and disappeared off the face of the planet 13 years ago…or that they still owe me $50 goddammit…

Okay, so maybe it’s not a great idea to reconnect with some old friends. And now that I think about it, maybe using the term “friend” is being generous…

Song title: Lost Friends by Eddie & Ernie

Ah, Vegas.

Vegas, Vegas, Vegas.

Needless to say, Sissy and I had a superb time on our trip last weekend forever ago (sorry), despite having been somewhat molested by the TSA on our way out of Seatac.

Seriously, folks. It seems our choices were either getting a full body xray or having my labia rubbed down by a strange chick’s hands. Sorry, the back of her hands. Because that makes a huge difference.

But I can’t blame them. Sissy and I DO look the part of terrorists…

Obviously our sundresses or the diaper bag I was using as a carry-on (mommy chic, I tell ya!) pushed us over the edge in to the threat category.

Upon arrival in Vegas, we were floored by our awesome view…

And spent way too much time out on the dance floor…

I promise I didn’t wear slippers out on the town in Vegas. These were my ouch-my-feet-hurt-so-badly-I-want-to-die ballet flats.

I also went a little Bloggess on Vegas and went from this:

to this:

Needless to say, I was TOTALLY self-conscious the whole time and when one guy on the dance floor actually touched my wig, I was convinced it would fall on the floor and everyone would scream, “WHAT THE FUCK?!”

Sadly, it stayed on all night. I mean that would’ve been great blog fodder, right?!

Song title: What Happens In Vegas by Phil Vassar