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Seasons of Love

28 May

Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes,
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Moments so dear.
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure, measure a year?

Another year, another birthday! So many things have happened this year, I think I can only write about it in numbers…

365 days
Roughly 800 cups of coffee (and that’s being veryconservative)
One kindergartener (how’d that happen?!)
One preschooler who cracks my shit up on a daily basis
3+ old friends lost
2+ new friends gained
10+ shots of vodka (and that was just last Saturday)
One epic family vacation to Disneyland
~10 art/craft shows
1 new business website
1 old business closed (my wedding planning company)
1 blog seriously ignored

As always, this post is to weakly promise my return to the blogosphere (shit, is that even what the kids are still calling it? OMG LOL WTF BBQ)

And, most importantly (because fuck the kid/family updates), A NEW SEASON OF THE BACHELORETTE JUST STARTED and guuuuuuuurl, it is a TRAIN WRECK. Like dudes in suits of armor and trying to sleep with the Bach on the first night kind of train wreck.

Yep, it’s (HASHTAG) hella awesome.

Song title: Seasons Of Love Lyrics by Rent Cast

“I can’t use ‘It’s not you, it’s me,’ because it’s obvious going to be them.”

11 Jan

Toot! Toot! All aboard the crazy train! Be prepared for a serious train wreck because this week…


This season’s Bachelor is Sean. You might remember Sean from falling in love with Emily last year on the Bachelorette. He is 29 years old, from Dallas, Texas and apparently loves (1) being shirtless, and (2) v-neck tee shirts.

Seriously, this guy must buy them in bulk from the Gap.

To be honest, I was kind of drifting off until what to my wondering eyes should appear but my old television boyfriend, Arie, also from Emily’s season!

Be still my heart!

Oh delicious Arie. God, he was gorgeous. Like sweet jesus smoking hot. He apparently gave him a lot of good/hilarious advice to Sean during his visit, including how to kiss with your whole body, but to be honest, I was too busy licking my television screen to pay attention.

Since this episode is chock full of crazy ladies, so I’ll do my best to introduce you to this season’s “contestants” (and, of course, our lovely Bachelor, too):



























This season on The Bachelor: Ambulances and crying are always a good sign.

Caterpillar to Butterfly

17 Sep

As a staple of of a child’s library, I’m sure you are all familiar with Eric Carle’s infamous “The Very Hungry Caterpillar”. Or as I refer to it: “The Very Hungry Diabetic.”

Recently, this has become one of Bug’s bedtime favorite and I am forced get to read this wondrous story at least twice a day.

As with everything, I tend to be completely inappropriate think outside the box, and that doesn’t stop when it comes to children’s literature.

This is how I read “The Very Hungry Caterpillar”:

(Blah blah a caterpillar hatches out egg in the moonlight. By this time our hero has taken a week to eat through an entire fruit basket.)

On Saturday, he ate through one piece of chocolate cake, one ice cream cone, one pickle, one slice of Swiss cheese, one slice of salami, one lollipop, one piece of cherry pie, one sausage, one cupcake, and one slice of watermelon. And that night, he had a stomachache.*

And diabetes with a side of heart disease.

On Sunday, the caterpillar ate through one nice green leaf and two packages of Pepcid and after that he felt much better.

Now he wasn’t hungry anymore – and he wasn’t a tiny caterpillar anymore. He was a big FAT GROSSLY OBESE caterpillar.

He built a small house, called a cocoon, around himself. But not really. Because moths make cocoons. What the caterpillar really built was a chrysalis. But apparently entomology is not one of Eric Carle’s strengths, despite, you know, all his fucking books being written about insects.

He stayed in the “cocoon” for more than two weeks which sounds like a fucking vacation to me. Then he nibbled a hole in the “cocoon” (isn’t there a show on TLC about eating your house and laundry detergent and shit for people like this?), pushed his way out and…

He was a beautiful butterfly. He had a heart attack from his lifetime of unhealthy eating and lethargy.

Sweet dreams!

*I am so proud and yet so ashamed that I wrote that entire sentence from memory. Kill me now.
Song title: Caterpillar to Butterfly by Omicron

Best Thing That Ever Happened To Me

12 Sep

Oh mah gawd, you guys. You seriously have to try this kid at school thing.


Yesterday, I did dishes,


2 1/2 loads of laundry,

I’m only counting half of the load that I forgot about and is still sitting in the washer gathering mildew.

and…wait for it…I cooked dinner!!


Fer reals, guys, the last time I cooked dinner for my family was…well, let’s just say the kids may or may not have been in the womb.

And today, I was showered, dressed, and went on a 2 mile walk with Bug after dropping Bee off at school. And it’s barely 11 am!

In the name of full disclosure, my walk was to Starbucks where I ate and drank about eleventy billion calories to make up for my exercise. I wouldn’t walk to accidentally lose those extra 20 pounds that I blame on Bug. And, you know, brownies and shit.

I know I’m beating a dead horse here, but I’m seriously in denial that I get so much extra time each day to get shit done. AND this is like an every day thing!

Needless to say, when I daydream about two years from now when both crotch parasites are in full-time school, I wet myself a little lot.

Song title: Best Thing That Ever Happened To Me by Gladys Knight and the Pips

Sometime in September

9 Sep


They’re back…

But, you know, if “they’re” really just means me.

And “back” really means “no promises.”

Shit, maybe I just should’ve posted this:


Song title: Sometime in September by Citizen K

Secret Admirer

24 Mar

I have the strangest compulsion.

I have this bizarre desire to rekindle almost every relationship I’ve ever had.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about ex-boyfriends. Those dudes can suck a big fat one as far as I’m concerned (you might be able to tell that I’m not one of those “let’s be friends” people).

Old friends, friends that just grew apart, acquaintances from high school, you name it. I can’t even count how many friends I have hunted down on Facebook. So don’t be surprised if you get a creepy “hi! You went to school with me in the 5th grade and we totally had matching crimped hair! LET BE FRIENDS, MKAY?!!” emails from me. I take crazy pills but they aren’t helping. I swear I’m not a stalker. Much.

I think the weirdest desires I have are (1) wanting to reconnect even with ex-friends who I may or may not have threatened to take to court, and (2) feeling compelled to disclose every crush I have ever had.

And it’s weird (for many reasons) but mostly because it’s not to say “hey sexy! I thought you were super hot 15 years ago. Hubba hubba.” I don’t have any interested in rekindling THAT kind of relationship (Hi, Mr. Bee! Love you!). It’s just this sense that I’ve kept this big secret (okay, it was big in high school) and I just want to let them know that they had an admirer! Could it backfire on me? Sure! Which is why I don’t plan on telling people to their face! My 15-year-old self had enough issues. I don’t need to crush her non-existent ego with a “Who are you?” or “Um, you were disgusting.” response from a high school crush.

Side note: Holy fuck, high school was 15 years ago? I’m old.

Anywho and whatnot, I have just found it really cathartic to let go of silly little secrets like that – the ones that take up space in your head even though they lost relevance years ago. Like which basketball player you had a crush on during junior year (hint: all of them) or who you really wanted to dance with at your senior prom (hint: anyone. I didn’t have a date. {sad trombone}).

Somehow it seems like it would be like a bit of Spring Cleaning for your mind. Or Lobster Bisque for your soul. You know what I mean.

So instead of being all stalkery and hunting people down on Facebook in order to make them (and me) awkward when I declare my 15-year-old self’s undying crush on them or to reignite a friendship which would probably be doomed to end in an episode of Judge Judy, I’ve decided where better to release my secrets/demons/mental diarrhea that no one cares about? My blog, of course!!

Here we go:

M.W. – Sorry we ended our relationship with the threat of court. (See y’all, I wasn’t kidding!) Your baby looks really adorable and I hope you’ve found happiness.

J.L. – Thank you for being the only boy to ask me to dance at senior prom. That dance had more of an emotional impact than you would’ve probably imagined.

T.D. – On that note, thanks for being my “date” to senior prom! That photo of us posed with invisible dates will always be one of my favorites. (PS: How pathetic were we?!)

E.R. – Thank you for teaching me what kind of man I really deserve. And thank you for introducing me to Mr. Bee! No hard feelings?

A.L. – My one “older boy” crush in high school. If only I had not been invisible to every single boy in every school I have ever attended…

J.E. – My other major crush in high school. Please reference A.L.’s notes.

K.S. – Even though you disappeared before graduation, you were one of my closest friends in school and I wish we would’ve kept in touch.

E.E. – Sorry I stopped calling you. You were by far the best boyfriend I had prior to Mr. Bee. Except for that whole going to prom with someone else deal… {sad trombone}

J.H. – I miss you! You may be the most hilarious person I have ever met. Why don’t we ever hang out anymore?!

D.C. – I still don’t believe that anyone could be as happy as you appear to be. Lay off the pooping rainbows and unicorns, k?

Oh mah gawd, this is so fun! Why don’t you try? Post in the comments something you’ve always wanted to tell someone, but never had the nerve or opportunity!

Song title: Secret Admirer by Pit Bull

Sex over the Phone

23 Mar

I know it won’t surprise you much, but it entertains me to no end that I have Siri programmed to call me “Sexy Lady”.

Song title: Sex over the Phone by Trina


22 Mar

And THIS is why Pinterest is full of the awesome.

Song title: Pin by the yeah yeah yeahs

Been So Long

21 Mar

Dude. You still there?

Didn’t mean to leave you hanging like that. You know, how like 9 months ago I kind of dropped off the planet, taking a totally unintended sabbatical-like thingy from blogging?

I could point fingers at my mother-in-law for selfishly taking care of one of Mr. Bee’s aunts, who is in dire need of aid during the day. How rude, amiright? Or I could accuse the crotch parasites of, well, you know, LIVING.

But really? I’m just a total lazy ass who has lacked all inspiration as of late. Oooh! That’s it! My stupid kids aren’t being funny enough! BINGO!

Anywho and whatnot, I suppose you probably would be interested in a quick crotch parasite update. To answer everyone’s burning question: will there be a THIRD Bee/Bug to grace this mad, mad world of ours?

To put it as eloquently as possible…HELLS TO THE FUCKING NO!

I lurv my babies but I swear to god if I ever have to fruitlessly struggle to get a baby out of my vagina again, I will throw myself off of a cliff.

Subtle, yes?

Can I tell you how hilarious my kiddos are? Bee is almost five (gasp) and cracks me up with her ever-growing vocabulary. Okay, so maaaaaaybe some of the words aren’t really something to brag about: lately, she has taken to gasping whenever she’s forgotten to do something followed with, “Dammit! I forgot to (fill in the blank)!”

I have NO idea where she got that from.

Probably her father.

And Bug? Lordy. He is so freakin’ hilarious. When they tell you that all kids are so different, I’ll admit, I thought “they” were full of shit. But these two kids? For example: Bee was spelling five letter words (luckily she skipped the FOUR letter ones! ::rim shot::) by the time she was Bug’s age. She, however, was still crawling.

Bug, on the other hand, is an Olympic athlete compared to Bee, but his vocabulary pretty much consists of “blerg” and “bah-ga”. Don’t even ask me what those mean. I usually interpret it to mean, “Mom, you look exhausted. Why don’t you go rest and/or surf Pinterest for a few hours.”

Bug is a very considerate little boy.

Everything at Casa de Bee is pretty much the norm. Mr. Bee is still chock full of ailments. I’m pretty sure the only thing he is missing at this point is leprosy (fingers crossed!). At some point, we need to start a Medical Bingo club because we’d have some blacked-out cards by now fer sure.

I have started yet another business. I might have whored myself out to you mentioned it at some point. It’s called 6433 creative and I’m having a blast creating graphic art and paintings. It occurred to me sometime last fall that it’d be super fun to actually get paid to do something I love. And since it didn’t look like the League of Stay-at-Home Mothers would be distributing any dividends any time soon, I decided to attend of few small craft shows. Those small craft shows led to the Starbucks Holiday Bazaar and then, a few weeks ago, I took the plunge and had a booth at the Northwest Women’s Show in Seattle. It was SO. MUCH. FUN. I met some awesome ladies and it’s really helped business (so far)!

So, that’s where I am now. Painting. Mommy-ing. Surfing Pinterest for more ways to clutter my house with crafts.

But hopefully soon I’ll get in a car accident or have plastic surgery or something so I have something to write about.

Just joking on the car accident.

Song title: Been So Long by Brian McKnight

“It smelled a lot like grandma.”

16 Jan

Hi there! I think we might know each other? I write in this crusty and damp part of the photosphere that I like to call Mom to Bee…Have you heard of it? Tens of people used to read it, you know, before I went on an unannounced and unexpected blog sabbatical. Also, this post will not be proofread, so have fun trying to decode what I’m writing.

Anywho and whatnot, I back mother fuckers!! And have y’all been watching Bachelor this season ‘cause this shit if OFF THE HOOK! The crazy is so thick you can cut it with a knife that some of those crazy bitches probably have stashed in their luggage “just in case” they need to guard and protect Ben’s heart.

And Ben. Oh, sweet and so genuine Ben. He’s adorably blunt and honest in his…ownership of a fucking vineyard! That’s all I need to hear. Unlimited access to boxes and boxes of wine? Signed, served and delivered, yo.

And he plays the piano too? Are you kidding me?? Pretty soon the producers will be showing Ben rescuing puppies from the pound while serving dinner at a food bank and singing to ignored seniors at the local old folks home. But, sadly, all of that will be WITH CLOTHES because I think the is the first Bachelor in a long time to not have a shirtless-soapy montage and, honestly, I’m not really sure how I feel about that. Surprised? Yes. Disappointed and ashamed because of that disappointment? I’ll get back to you.

Since this is the “oh-my-gawd-there-is-so-much-crazy” introductory episode, here are my CliffsNotes on most of the girls. Some where just, well, not worth the imaginary ink. As always, my Bachelor commentary is meant to be funny. Like, haha funny. If your mother’s aunt’s sister’s cousin’s daughter is best friends with one of these women’s brother’s dog walker, my bad.

Without further ado, BACHELOR 2012!!!

In general, every single woman on the show this season looks like she’s been rolling around in Nacho Doritos dust.

Lindzi C. from Bellevue
Holla! Lindzi is representin’ my ’hood(ish) so despite the equestrian obsession, I’m obligated by state law to love her. Poor Lindzi stood out by displaying the worst break up text EVAR:

“The guy sent me a break up text that said “Babe, welcome to Dumpsville … population YOU.”

Asshole douche knuckle does not even COVER a dude like that! So obviously, I’m rooting for her. Even though she rode in on a horse and touches her hair WAY too much.

Amber T. from Nebraska
(1) NRA member. (2) Loves killing adorable animals and birds. (3) Despite her love of killing shit, she is a nurse. (4) Blind (I’m assuming that due to the dress she wore that burned my corneas.

Kacie B. from Tennessee
Yeah, I think she’s gonna end up being a stalker.

Courtney from Santa Monica
A model with duck lips the size of the stick that is firmly up her ass.
“I’m better than them.” Yeah, she SAID that. Barf.

Jamie from New York
Nurse, who looks very down to earth and adorable. Druggie mom and took custody of younger siblings. Nervous but caught Ben’s eye. I’m a fan.

Lindsay from Scotsdale
Who’s that dude? Seriously, she is the most British-looking Brit I have ever seen. You know, if the Brit was a dude. She’s a diplomat’s daughter and is enormously frightening in all different languages.

Jenna from New York
Blogger/Romance writer (read: Carrie Bradshaw wannabe)
Her entrance was *crickets* and awkwardness. Kill me now. PAINFUL. She is shocked that every single woman isn’t instantly in love with Ben on sight and immediately displays that she will be the most emotionally unstable and, for obvious reasons, my favorite of the entire season.

Shawn from Phoenix
Single mom of a 7ish year old son. She stood out when she slapped Ben on the shoulder, surprising (and maybe hurting our delicate flower,) Ben a little bit.

Nicki from Texas
Has the depth of a wading pool when she declare that both her and Ben have “gone through things in our past.“ Uh, so has, like, EVERYONE? Married at 21 and now divorced, Nicki seems to believe that she is a survivor, ain’t gonna give up…

Rachel from New York
Her middle name is Rose. I like her.

Erika from Chicago
Her dress seriously made me VIMMAL. And then the “Ben, you are guilty of being sexy” line? I just threw up even MORE in my mouth.

Amber from Vancouver, Canada
Baconator. ‘nough said.

Elyse from Chicago
Totally forgettable.

Emily from North Carolina
Works for the CDC or something. Sanitized Ben properly and then scored the first kiss of the night.

Samantha from Los Angeles
Miss Pacific Palisades. Who? What? Go away. Worst hair I’ve ever seen.

Casey S. from Kansas
Weird half see-thru dress. Besides that…forgettable.

Holly from Kentucky
Wore a gigantic hat and looked ridiculous.

Shira from Los Angeles

Blakely from North Carolina
VIP waitress. Pretty sure that means a waitress that gives happy endings.

Sheryl from Colorado
Retired, 72yo. And on crutches. Freaks Ben out fer reals when he sees her, but he calms down when Sheryl introduces her cute granddaughter, Britteny. Upon entering the cocktail hour with grandma, bitch faces COMMENCE!

Diana from California
Works for a non-profit. Had the world’s biggest brain fart and giggles that hurt my brain. If she worked for a for-profit company, she would’ve been fired by now.

Jennifer from Oklahoma City

Anna from Detroit
Is super ballsy and whispers “hi” and then passes up Ben to walk straight inside.

Monica from Salt Lake City
Confession: she misses her dog. Really? ::eye roll:: But later she’s super loud, funny, bi-curious and full of the awesome!

Jaclyn from Massachusetts

After horse-rider-inner, the serious bitch faces come out and the claws are getting sharpened on the psychos’ pointy teeth. How DARE someone ride in on a HORSE?! Pa-shaw!! The NERVE!!

PS: Are they all totally wasted?

All in all, the conversations between Ben and all the Bachelorettes so far have been so nauseatingly boring. And since when does feeding someone candy out of a hobo’s drinking sack foreplay?

As the alcohol is absorbed in to their anorexic stomachs, the real crazies start to appear. Like, what is Jenna’s PROBLEM?! Besides being super crazy face? And wanting to share a tampon with Monica? Which makes Monica drink more and be FUCKING HYSTERICAL and threaten to cut Jenna’s face off. Have I mentioned that I see a lot of myself in Monica? She’s fucking rad.

And Jenna has the first cry/weep/sob of the season! Yay! And then lies about it. And insults Ben. And babbles:

“I just feel like, you, like, I know but, that makes us, if, we could be more more nervous, but you could, we all could be more nervous, but the way you’re calm, like we’re like so nervous, but it calms us down a little bit.”

That’s a motherfucking QUOTE people! And it took like five minutes of pausing and restarting the goddamn TiVo to make that happen.

You’re welcome.

And while Jenna talks to herself (and the voices in her head) in the bathroom, Ben supports our local stock by giving the first impression rose to Lindzi, our Bellevue gal!

Cue sobbing in the bathroom from Jenna.


After the puking/duece dropping/cutting herself/whatever, Jenna finally joins the crowd waiting for the rose ceremony to begin.

There are far too many women to figure out who got a rose and who didn’t. But I won’t lie. I actually DID fist pump in the air and scream YES when crazy frizzy-haired Jenna got a rose. The crazy will continue!