Hi there! I think we might know each other? I write in this crusty and damp part of the photosphere that I like to call Mom to Bee…Have you heard of it? Tens of people used to read it, you know, before I went on an unannounced and unexpected blog sabbatical. Also, this post will not be proofread, so have fun trying to decode what I’m writing.

Anywho and whatnot, I back mother fuckers!! And have y’all been watching Bachelor this season ‘cause this shit if OFF THE HOOK! The crazy is so thick you can cut it with a knife that some of those crazy bitches probably have stashed in their luggage “just in case” they need to guard and protect Ben’s heart.

And Ben. Oh, sweet and so genuine Ben. He’s adorably blunt and honest in his…ownership of a fucking vineyard! That’s all I need to hear. Unlimited access to boxes and boxes of wine? Signed, served and delivered, yo.

And he plays the piano too? Are you kidding me?? Pretty soon the producers will be showing Ben rescuing puppies from the pound while serving dinner at a food bank and singing to ignored seniors at the local old folks home. But, sadly, all of that will be WITH CLOTHES because I think the is the first Bachelor in a long time to not have a shirtless-soapy montage and, honestly, I’m not really sure how I feel about that. Surprised? Yes. Disappointed and ashamed because of that disappointment? I’ll get back to you.

Since this is the “oh-my-gawd-there-is-so-much-crazy” introductory episode, here are my CliffsNotes on most of the girls. Some where just, well, not worth the imaginary ink. As always, my Bachelor commentary is meant to be funny. Like, haha funny. If your mother’s aunt’s sister’s cousin’s daughter is best friends with one of these women’s brother’s dog walker, my bad.

Without further ado, BACHELOR 2012!!!

In general, every single woman on the show this season looks like she’s been rolling around in Nacho Doritos dust.

Lindzi C. from Bellevue
Holla! Lindzi is representin’ my ’hood(ish) so despite the equestrian obsession, I’m obligated by state law to love her. Poor Lindzi stood out by displaying the worst break up text EVAR:

“The guy sent me a break up text that said “Babe, welcome to Dumpsville … population YOU.”

Asshole douche knuckle does not even COVER a dude like that! So obviously, I’m rooting for her. Even though she rode in on a horse and touches her hair WAY too much.

Amber T. from Nebraska
(1) NRA member. (2) Loves killing adorable animals and birds. (3) Despite her love of killing shit, she is a nurse. (4) Blind (I’m assuming that due to the dress she wore that burned my corneas.

Kacie B. from Tennessee
Yeah, I think she’s gonna end up being a stalker.

Courtney from Santa Monica
A model with duck lips the size of the stick that is firmly up her ass.
“I’m better than them.” Yeah, she SAID that. Barf.

Jamie from New York
Nurse, who looks very down to earth and adorable. Druggie mom and took custody of younger siblings. Nervous but caught Ben’s eye. I’m a fan.

Lindsay from Scotsdale
Who’s that dude? Seriously, she is the most British-looking Brit I have ever seen. You know, if the Brit was a dude. She’s a diplomat’s daughter and is enormously frightening in all different languages.

Jenna from New York
Blogger/Romance writer (read: Carrie Bradshaw wannabe)
Her entrance was *crickets* and awkwardness. Kill me now. PAINFUL. She is shocked that every single woman isn’t instantly in love with Ben on sight and immediately displays that she will be the most emotionally unstable and, for obvious reasons, my favorite of the entire season.

Shawn from Phoenix
Single mom of a 7ish year old son. She stood out when she slapped Ben on the shoulder, surprising (and maybe hurting our delicate flower,) Ben a little bit.

Nicki from Texas
Has the depth of a wading pool when she declare that both her and Ben have “gone through things in our past.“ Uh, so has, like, EVERYONE? Married at 21 and now divorced, Nicki seems to believe that she is a survivor, ain’t gonna give up…

Rachel from New York
Her middle name is Rose. I like her.

Erika from Chicago
Her dress seriously made me VIMMAL. And then the “Ben, you are guilty of being sexy” line? I just threw up even MORE in my mouth.

Amber from Vancouver, Canada
Baconator. ‘nough said.

Elyse from Chicago
Totally forgettable.

Emily from North Carolina
Works for the CDC or something. Sanitized Ben properly and then scored the first kiss of the night.

Samantha from Los Angeles
Miss Pacific Palisades. Who? What? Go away. Worst hair I’ve ever seen.

Casey S. from Kansas
Weird half see-thru dress. Besides that…forgettable.

Holly from Kentucky
Wore a gigantic hat and looked ridiculous.

Shira from Los Angeles
Who?

Blakely from North Carolina
VIP waitress. Pretty sure that means a waitress that gives happy endings.

Sheryl from Colorado
Retired, 72yo. And on crutches. Freaks Ben out fer reals when he sees her, but he calms down when Sheryl introduces her cute granddaughter, Britteny. Upon entering the cocktail hour with grandma, bitch faces COMMENCE!

Diana from California
Works for a non-profit. Had the world’s biggest brain fart and giggles that hurt my brain. If she worked for a for-profit company, she would’ve been fired by now.

Jennifer from Oklahoma City
…

Anna from Detroit
Is super ballsy and whispers “hi” and then passes up Ben to walk straight inside.

Monica from Salt Lake City
Confession: she misses her dog. Really? ::eye roll:: But later she’s super loud, funny, bi-curious and full of the awesome!

Jaclyn from Massachusetts
…yawn…

After horse-rider-inner, the serious bitch faces come out and the claws are getting sharpened on the psychos’ pointy teeth. How DARE someone ride in on a HORSE?! Pa-shaw!! The NERVE!!

PS: Are they all totally wasted?

All in all, the conversations between Ben and all the Bachelorettes so far have been so nauseatingly boring. And since when does feeding someone candy out of a hobo’s drinking sack foreplay?

As the alcohol is absorbed in to their anorexic stomachs, the real crazies start to appear. Like, what is Jenna’s PROBLEM?! Besides being super crazy face? And wanting to share a tampon with Monica? Which makes Monica drink more and be FUCKING HYSTERICAL and threaten to cut Jenna’s face off. Have I mentioned that I see a lot of myself in Monica? She’s fucking rad.

And Jenna has the first cry/weep/sob of the season! Yay! And then lies about it. And insults Ben. And babbles:

“I just feel like, you, like, I know but, that makes us, if, we could be more more nervous, but you could, we all could be more nervous, but the way you’re calm, like we’re like so nervous, but it calms us down a little bit.”

That’s a motherfucking QUOTE people! And it took like five minutes of pausing and restarting the goddamn TiVo to make that happen.

You’re welcome.

And while Jenna talks to herself (and the voices in her head) in the bathroom, Ben supports our local stock by giving the first impression rose to Lindzi, our Bellevue gal!

Cue sobbing in the bathroom from Jenna.

Flush.

After the puking/duece dropping/cutting herself/whatever, Jenna finally joins the crowd waiting for the rose ceremony to begin.

There are far too many women to figure out who got a rose and who didn’t. But I won’t lie. I actually DID fist pump in the air and scream YES when crazy frizzy-haired Jenna got a rose. The crazy will continue!

Can I tell you how I feel about micro-managing, egotistical, know-it-all power-tripping bitchfaces?

I pretty much hope that they all get herpes covered in genital warts on their face from Santa.

Needless to say, there is more coming soon on this story. Stay tuned…

Song title: Merry F**kin’ Christmas (Live) by Denis Leary

Bee: “Mommy! My baby (doll) said something!”

Yeah, what’d she say?

Bee: “Get to a better state. State Farm!”

Song title: TV Baby by Bif Naked

Organizing my closet by color makes me happier than it probably should.

Song title: The Color Of Love by Boyz II Men

I’m starting to get all nostalgic for all my c-section/surgeries I’ve had in the last year or so because I miss people covering me up with toasty blankets from the blanket warmer doohickey.

I think that’s reason enough to get something cut open, right? Well, that and the drugs.

Song title: Keeps My Body Warm by Abra Moore

Dude, what’s up with my MIA status?!

Where have I been?

Well, here’s a brief rundown of recent and not-so-recent events:

(1) Had surgery to fix my dis-gusting belly button.
(2) Broke my big toe. Walking. I shit you not.
(3) Caught a monster cold from Bee (thanks, preschool. I owe you one. “One” being a big stab to the neck.), which turned in to a monster migraine-inducing sinus infection.
(4) Got LASIK for my Stevie Wonder-esque vision. I now have zombie eyes.
(5) Will be getting the new iPhone on Friday. My life will soon be complete. Please expect many photo-heavy and completely random posts starting this coming weekend.

Also, if you wanted to win any of the prizes I offered in my latest giveaway, check out The Facebook Page for the winners! And I swear I haven’t forgotten about you, Grand Prize Winner, I just suck giant monkey balls. And have also been dying (see #2 & #3).

Song title: Where Have You Been by Reel Big Fish

I’m seriously regretting eating so many raw veggies while watching the Bachelor Pad finale last night. I’m pretty sure my stomach views them as foreign bodies like shrapnel or a new kidney or something. Anybody have any anti-rejection drugs I can borrow?

Song title: Eat A Vegetable by Gary Lapow

As a shameless self-promotion by an admitted attention whore (hello, I’m a blogger, right?), I’m celebrating my 100th Facebook Fan with…wait for it…A GIVEAWAY!!

What do you get?

Grand Prize:
A $25 Gift Card to Le Target!

Runner Up Prize:
2 8-packs of Naughty Betty greeting cards

Honorary Mentions:
When you just have to tell people how awesome you are…

You know those times when you totally deserve a Thank You and you never get it? Well, here’s a little something you can pass off to those assholes…

So how do you go about scoring these Full of the Awesome Items (trademark!)?

Uh, you have to be my blog whore, obviously. It’s this simple:

You get 1 point for being a Facebook Fan of Mom to Bee.

For additional points, all you have to do is whore me out on your Facebook page! Make sure you like to the Mom to Bee page so I can count your whoring. This is unlimited whoring, people. 1 point per link. The most links wins.

If you don’t know how to tag in your Facebook status update, check out this help page!

Contest ends…eh, how about Tuesday, 8pm PST?

Well, what are you waiting for! Whore away, my beloved minions!!

P.S. I super love each and every one of you and don’t you forget it or I will kidnap you, tattoo it on your forehead and leave you in a bathtub full of ice, possibly missing a few organs. I mean, shit, how else am I gonna afford all these totally lame bad ass prizes?

Drink The Kool-Aid by Ice Cube

Remember that Snow White-esque, naive girl who wandered through a flowering meadow towards a hernia repair, whistling some bullshit about “one day my belly button will come,” all the while the surgeon/huntsman lurked quietly behind her, waiting to strike.

Okay, bad analogy, but give me a break. I’m on pain meds, yo.

And remember that photo that I was SOOOO embarrassed to reveal? That shit IS supermodel material when compared to my current state.

***WARNING: THE FOLLOWING PHOTO IS NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART OR FOR PEOPLE WITH FUNCTIONING EYEBALLS TO LOOK UPON***

Hernia After

The day of the surgery was pretty non-eventful. Got all prettied up in my nerd glasses and basically just took a nice nap that happened to include doctors shoving instruments in to my abdomen and moving shit around.

When I got home, the local anesthesia was still in full force so I thought I had won the hernia jackpot.

It’s like the lottery, but uglier.

Little did I know that hernia surgery makes you feel like you just had a mini-c-section. It’s hard to get yourself up from the laying position and sweet Jesus help me if I have to sneeze.

The other fantastic aspect of the surgery is my super power: a ridiculously high tolerance for pain medications. I discovered said super power years ago when, despite 50 hundred shots of novacaine in my face, my dentist simply could not get me numb enough to fill a cavity. Then the same happened when I had a root canal.

The dentist eventually had to give me IV sedation for the root canal. After THREE Valium had no effect on me. AND THEN, I woke up part way through the procedure to vomit on the dentist.

Multiple times.

So when I was chewing down a few Vicodin, I wasn’t too surprised that they had no effect. Or is it affect. Whatever.

Luckily, the doctor gave me some Oxy and, while that helps with the pain, it also fucks me up! Like lay around with my head swirling in the clouds all day.

Sadly, it also inhibits my plan of blogging non-stop this weekend. Hopefully these posts are somewhat coherent and I haven’t made you delete me from your readers with the After Photo.

The End.

Man, I’m witty. Jealous?

Song title: My Hernia by Bill Cosby

My dearest Bug,

My sweet, squishy, playful, exceeds any adjectives, Bug. I simply refuse to believe that you have been in our lives for more a year already.

Where has the time gone?

From the very moment we knew, after months and months and MONTHS of trying, that we were finally pregnant with you, I knew our lives, our family, would never be the same.

Like most parents, I wondered how I could find the space in my heart for another baby. Your sister was all we knew, how would this new baby fit in to our lives?

What we didn’t expect was how our hearts exploded with love for you from day one. Could this boy with the delicious dimples and mischievous twinkle in his eye be all mine? Not a day goes by that I don’t want to eat you up, “from your toes all the way up to your nose”. Seriously, it should be illegal for kids to be as adorable as you are.

From a mushy little bundle to a walking and really-attempting-talking toddler, this year has been full of milestones! You already have six teeth and it seems like you are constantly working on more. Your favorite foods would have to be cereal bars and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (both of which I’m sure I will still be feeding you by the time you are old enough to read this letter. Martha Stewart, I am not, honey.).

I tried to think of your favorite toy but hands down I think your sister wins over any truck we own. You and your sister would play 24/7 together if you could. God help us if you sleep in past an acceptable time for Bee because she will get so impatient waiting to see her little brother in the morning!

I just consulted with your sister and she insists that she “is NOT a toy!”

Your daddy and I are so lucky to have such a wonderful little man in our lives and I look forward to seeing how you’ll grow, learn and expand my love for you every single day.

I love you to the moon and back, Budders!
Mama

Song title: I Love My Baby by Nina Simone