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Mother In Law

21 Jul

Okay, first of all, before I begin today’s verbal incontinence, can we first direct our attention to how fucking cold they keep it at Panera Bread?

Seriously, people. I have so many goosebumps (not goose PIMPLES, ’cause that just sounds gross, okay people. Stop saying it.) that I look disfigured, like I’ve been in a horrific fire or something.

And my nipples. Jesus Christ, the nipples.

I’m less worried about them being unsightly than about accidentally poking out the eye of the dude sitting at the table next to me. I could cut glass with these babies right now. (Sorry, Dad.)

What people don’t understand about Washington is that (1) it DOES get hot here in the summer – it’s supposed to be 100 degrees here on Sunday (which deserves a What. The. Fuck. for itself. Seriously. What the fuck, El Nino, La Nina, El Capitan, Menudo, whatever? I live in the Pacific Northwest for TEPID weather. Nothing over 75, please, kthnxbei.) AND (2) no one lives in a house with air conditioning.

Okay, like FIVE people in Washington have air conditioning (hence, why the family will be congregating at my parents’ house on Sunday).

So, obviously, since we are all dying of heat and sweating like Kirstie Alley busting in to Krispy Kremes before closing time, we all wear a lot of shorts, flip flops and tank tops in the summer. As it should be (John 18:3928 – I think). But then the minute we step in to a restaurant or Starbucks or sex store, we’re frozen to the bone by retards that think they need to keep the establishment negative 500 degrees.

I don’t know about you, but I shouldn’t have to buy a hot coffee drink in July when it’s 90 degrees outside just because some douche turned the temperature of the store down to -45 degrees Celsius (that’s cold, right? I mean, who the fuck knows what Celsius is. Or meters. Or mph.)

But I digress.

So you probably noticed the title of this post: Mother In Law and thought, “Yeah, buddy! Mama is gonna go OFF on her MIL! This is gonna be great!!” But sadly, my friends, I only have praises to sing.

You might have noticed that I’ve been blogging with much better regularity lately. You know why that is?

My MIL, my Savior (besides the Flying Spaghetti Monster, of course), decided that she wanted to spend more time with Bee so she comes over EVERY. TUESDAY. to babysit.

For as long as I want.

In fact, the last few weeks, I’ve been coming back to the house after being gone for 2 or 3 hours and she’s been telling Mr. Bee that I come home way too early.

It. Is. Awesome.

I look forward to Tuesdays every week now, knowing that I can do anything I want. Run errands, check. Hang out at Starbucks, check. Blog, check check check.

Hence, the being able to hang out at Panera for hours in the middle of the day, nibbling on my tuna salad sandwich, BABY-FREE.

I mean, me. I’M baby-free.

Well, I guess the sandwich is too.

Song title: Mother In Law by Huey Lewis And The News (yeah, buddy!! Power of Love, bitches!)


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