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My Hernia

16 Aug

Remember that Snow White-esque, naive girl who wandered through a flowering meadow towards a hernia repair, whistling some bullshit about “one day my belly button will come,” all the while the surgeon/huntsman lurked quietly behind her, waiting to strike.

Okay, bad analogy, but give me a break. I’m on pain meds, yo.

And remember that photo that I was SOOOO embarrassed to reveal? That shit IS supermodel material when compared to my current state.

***WARNING: THE FOLLOWING PHOTO IS NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART OR FOR PEOPLE WITH FUNCTIONING EYEBALLS TO LOOK UPON***

Hernia After

The day of the surgery was pretty non-eventful. Got all prettied up in my nerd glasses and basically just took a nice nap that happened to include doctors shoving instruments in to my abdomen and moving shit around.

When I got home, the local anesthesia was still in full force so I thought I had won the hernia jackpot.

It’s like the lottery, but uglier.

Little did I know that hernia surgery makes you feel like you just had a mini-c-section. It’s hard to get yourself up from the laying position and sweet Jesus help me if I have to sneeze.

The other fantastic aspect of the surgery is my super power: a ridiculously high tolerance for pain medications. I discovered said super power years ago when, despite 50 hundred shots of novacaine in my face, my dentist simply could not get me numb enough to fill a cavity. Then the same happened when I had a root canal.

The dentist eventually had to give me IV sedation for the root canal. After THREE Valium had no effect on me. AND THEN, I woke up part way through the procedure to vomit on the dentist.

Multiple times.

So when I was chewing down a few Vicodin, I wasn’t too surprised that they had no effect. Or is it affect. Whatever.

Luckily, the doctor gave me some Oxy and, while that helps with the pain, it also fucks me up! Like lay around with my head swirling in the clouds all day.

Sadly, it also inhibits my plan of blogging non-stop this weekend. Hopefully these posts are somewhat coherent and I haven’t made you delete me from your readers with the After Photo.

The End.

Man, I’m witty. Jealous?

Song title: My Hernia by Bill Cosby

(Wo)Man in the Mirror

6 May

The other day, I was sitting with Bee as we thumbed through a Disney Princess storybook. My lovely daughter, who is currently obsessed with my ever-growing prego bewbs, pointed at a photo and said:

“Mommy! She has boobies like you!”

Normally being compared to a Disney character wouldn’t be a problem. Might even be a compliment.

ursula (aka Mama Bee apparently)

Yeah, uh, not so much.

And then she topped off the compliment with, “And she’s growing big like you!!”

Excuse me while I go kill myself.

Song title: Man in the Mirror by Michael Jackson

Sunlight Theory

9 Dec

I totally wasn’t going to blog today because I’m super worthless, but I didn’t think this novel would be Facebook update appropriate.

So I’m totally convinced that I’m have been impregnated with a vampire baby.

Here is my reasoning:

1. I’m super sensitive to sunlight today. Now I’m going with the more traditional sunlight-kills-vampires theory here, not the sunlight-just-makes-me-more-beautiful Twilight theory.

2. My contacts are apparently being destroyed by my caustic eye boogers. This is causing me to tear up constantly and pretty much blinds me. It probably doesn’t help that the only glasses I own are an old prescription and are so scratched it looks like I stored them in a blender. Filled with gravel. And savage cats with sharpened claws.

That’d be a pretty disgusting blender.

3. Obviously Cletus the Fetus is a vampire because of his/her rapid growth. I mean, I just went from having rock hard abs to a ferocious muffin top in like three days. There’s just no way that I had those love handles before and never noticed them, right?

Stop laughing.

4. Bee is a fucking crazy face today. Seriously, she either woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning or is a werewolf and therefore suspicious of the vampire baby in my womb. I’m going with the werewolf theory until proven wrong.

5. I am so exhausted today that I can hardly keep my eyes open. My caustic eye boogers/melting contact lenses aren’t helping the situation either. Obviously, my vampire baby is sucking the life energy out of me.

Well, there it is. Five undeniable reasons why I have been impregnated with Edward Cullen’s baby.

So far I’m only craving Little Ceasar’s Crazy Bread. I hope blood isn’t next.

Song title: Sunlight Theory by Ben Liebrand


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