The other day, I was sitting with Bee as we thumbed through a Disney Princess storybook. My lovely daughter, who is currently obsessed with my ever-growing prego bewbs, pointed at a photo and said:
“Mommy! She has boobies like you!”
Normally being compared to a Disney character wouldn’t be a problem. Might even be a compliment.
Yeah, uh, not so much.
And then she topped off the compliment with, “And she’s growing big like you!!”
Excuse me while I go kill myself.
Song title: Man in the Mirror by Michael Jackson
I totally wasn’t going to blog today because I’m super worthless, but I didn’t think this novel would be Facebook update appropriate.
So I’m totally convinced that I’m have been impregnated with a vampire baby.
Here is my reasoning:
1. I’m super sensitive to sunlight today. Now I’m going with the more traditional sunlight-kills-vampires theory here, not the sunlight-just-makes-me-more-beautiful Twilight theory.
2. My contacts are apparently being destroyed by my caustic eye boogers. This is causing me to tear up constantly and pretty much blinds me. It probably doesn’t help that the only glasses I own are an old prescription and are so scratched it looks like I stored them in a blender. Filled with gravel. And savage cats with sharpened claws.
That’d be a pretty disgusting blender.
3. Obviously Cletus the Fetus is a vampire because of his/her rapid growth. I mean, I just went from having rock hard abs to a ferocious muffin top in like three days. There’s just no way that I had those love handles before and never noticed them, right?
Stop laughing.
4. Bee is a fucking crazy face today. Seriously, she either woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning or is a werewolf and therefore suspicious of the vampire baby in my womb. I’m going with the werewolf theory until proven wrong.
5. I am so exhausted today that I can hardly keep my eyes open. My caustic eye boogers/melting contact lenses aren’t helping the situation either. Obviously, my vampire baby is sucking the life energy out of me.
Well, there it is. Five undeniable reasons why I have been impregnated with Edward Cullen’s baby.
So far I’m only craving Little Ceasar’s Crazy Bread. I hope blood isn’t next.
Song title: Sunlight Theory by Ben Liebrand
