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Exercising The Demons

24 Mar

I have a confession.

I started doing the Couch to 5K program.


Okay, so technically I had already started Couch to 5K a month or so ago, but upon finishing the first run, my body left me a little note on my nightstand the next morning. It read:

“What. The. Fuck.

Stop it.

Love, Your Atrophied Body”

And when my body decides to go on strike, you best not be crossing any picket lines. When I did, it promptly landed me in the local health clinic getting x-rays on my hip, which randomly decided to stop working. I couldn’t even walk upstairs, I was in so much pain.

So our lovely treadmill went back to collecting dust and being used as a catch-all for wrapping paper and random boxes that still haven’t been emptied even though we’ve lived in our house for over two and a half years now.

Don’t judge me.

But now that I have weaned Bug off le bewbs, I am free to begin my uber-healthy diet plan consisting of starving myself and exercising my ass off (literally).

If only I could get over this pesky little issue of actually loving food.

All those people who say “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” can kiss my ever-growing ass. They obviously need to eat out more, because there are some damned good things to eat out there.

And let me tell you, my Lexapro is not helping the situation. I seriously have to consciously tell myself to stop eating all day, every day. Thanks for the abundance of appetite, Lexapro. The things I do to prevent explosion public defecation…

Since the whole “starving myself” part of my diet plan is slightly stalled, the only other avenue I have is surgery exercise.

If you know me at all, you know that the most exercise I have in any given day is walking from the couch to the fridge and back. Maybe on a good day, I will walk the length of the mall. That’s exercise, right? That’s what I’ll tell Mr. Bee from now on, anyway.

So I hopped on the treadmill, Couch to 5K iPod app in hand, all prepped with club music like Ke$ha (stupiest name EVAR) and Katy Perry to inspire my weight loss.

Honestly, I need to post a photo of myself in high school or something for inspiration. So far, seeing my fat ass running in the window’s reflection is enough to remind me how much weight I need to lose.

Because that chick over there puffing away on the treadmill like a wounded buffalo?

Not sexy.

Song title: Exercising The Demons by Big Fuzz


30 Oct

Winning in a record landslide vote of a whooping 6 to 0, I will be posting my coming out diatribe later today. Stay tuned…

Song title: Landslide by AC/DC