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Little Martha

15 Dec

A little delayed on the blogging (sorry!) but we finally got all our Christmas decorations up!

The Griswolds we are not.

(Sorry about the photo – it was really foggy the night we finished the house!)
We decided to go simple with the lights this year. First, we realized that we would be flirting with disaster by attempting to get lights on the upper roof line of the new house. Hence, the first story lights only! Also, we figured that if we set the neighborhood expectations low so every year we could add to the house, slowly blowing their unimaginative minds!

Handmade, bitches!

I slaved for minutes days and days making my Christmas garland and wreathes. But really, I did put all those ornaments on myself!

Look, Mom! I have a banister!

I just about pooped myself when I realized that the new house has a real honest to God banister!!

Awwww, so cute!

The weekend after Thanksgiving, Mr., Baby Bee, and I went out to a neighboring “tree farm” to cut down a tree. We were gonna let Bee play with the saw, but someone told us it’d probably be a bad idea.


For some reason, anything and everything has become a camera to Bee. Here she is “taking a picture” with the tape measure.

'Twee! Twee!'

The final product! Bee loves sitting (or laying on her tummy) near the tree and gazing up lovingly at it. It’s friggin’ adorable! She often waves “Heh-Woh” or “Bye-ee” to the “Twee”.

This weekend we visited the local Nordstrom to get that special photo of the baby with Santa. We were hoping to get something like this:

But instead, got something closer to this:

The photo won’t be available for pick up until the 20th, but don’t worry – I’ll definitely post the hilarity that is our belated Xmas card this year!

Song title: Little Martha By The Allman Brothers Band

‘Tis the Season

24 Nov

I Know It’s Not Thanksgiving Yet…
…but I’ve definitely been swept up by the holiday spirit.

Since I’m not terribly religious, the holiday season (or Festivus, as we lovingly call it in the Bee Home) consists of mostly decorations, presents and food. And since I ain’t getting off my lazy ass to cook today, let’s talk about decorating and presents!

First of all, most of the “decorations” we currently have for any holiday are a janky ass collection of knick knacks. I’m slowly accumulating a collection of cute Pottery Barn items every year from the after-Christmas Clearance, but have yet to get more than one or two cute pieces per holiday. To make matters worse, having just moved in to a new home, I’m dying to decorate for the holidays! Even though we’re pinching our pennies to see how all the finances will work out with the new and larger mortgage, I promised him sex somehow convinced Mr. Bee to let me buy some fun stuff at Joann’s yesterday!

I’m attempting to roughly mimic this photo from the P.B. catalog:

'Cause everyone's house looks like this, right?

So far, I’ve finished two small wreaths for our front doors.
Suck it, Martha.
But now I have at least fourteen (yeah, you heard me. FOURTEEN.) strands of garland to wire with ornaments.
What the fuck was I thinking?
I hope to be done by next Christmas. Hopefully.

Besides being addicted to crafts, I love me some gadgets. So my goal for this Christmas is to ask for only pretty shiny new electronics. Here’s what I have so far:
ShinyDS Lite
Ever since playing around with my mom and nephew’s DS Lite’s, I’m totally hooked! Mr. Bee is not sold on the pink and/or Susan G. Komen version that I’m asking for. He doesn’t quite realize that the reason I want a pink sparkly DS is so that his thieving ass won’t steal it! But seriously, I won’t rest until I have one of these. I know, I know, like I need something other than raising my daughter, keeping the house, holiday crafts and watching 80 hours of television to keep me busy…

FancyNikon SLR D60
There’s no chance in hell that I am actually going to get this $600+ camera for Christmas, but one can dream, right? I really want to be able to take some really great photos of Baby Bee and Future Cletus the Fetus. At least, that’s the guilt trip I’m laying on Mr. Bee until I get this awesome camera!

Spiffy CoolWacom Drawing Tablet
I’ve been told this tablet is the shiz for drawing with your computer. Here’s a little known fact about Mama Bee: I fancy myself an artist. I’ve been rambling enough for today, but I promise a future post with some of my artwork. A drawing tablet like this would open up worlds of new techniques and fun to me!

So, what are you asking Santa for Christmas?

Song title: ‘Tis The Season

Midnight Train to Georgia

8 Oct

I was really excited upon discovering that our new home is about a mile away from the train tracks. No, really. I was excited because now that cool, folksy sound of the train whistle is going to be part of Baby Bee and Not Yet Conceived Baby Numero Dos’s childhood!

That is, until I realized that the said train whistle is really fucking loud at one o’clock in the morning. Thanks, Burlington Northern, for that lovely wake up call. Every. Single. Butt crack of Night.

Song title: Midnight Train to Georgia by Gladys Knight and the Pips

The Grass Is Greener

17 Sep

This is what I looked like a few days ago, after moving in to our house:

And this is what I looked like after mowing our 0.25 acre lot by myself for the first time:

Song title: The Grass Is Greener by Brenda Lee

Catch Up

9 Sep

OMG, I have so much to catch up on.
So, obviously, the biggest recent news is that we’re now living in our new home. Here are a few shots of the view from the backyard on our first night here:
Despite the beautiful surroundings, the house looks like Hurricane Gustav hit it. Specifically, my kitchen. And my bedroom. And pretty much every other room in the house.

We met one of our neighbors on moving day. Yeah, awesome. Thanks for coming over on the day that I look like shit, haven’t done my hair or makeup, and have been sweating from carrying boxes for hours.

They are a forty-something-ish couple with a 9-year-old little boy who Baby Bee is already giving googly eyes to. The mom seems pretty cool but the husband? What a piece of work! Almost directly after his wife introduced the both of them, he starts going on and on about the past owners and how they never stopped the gravel in the side yard from seeping on to their property, under the fence. Really though? That’s your opener? Good job, doucher. The guy also starts spouting off about how our house was the first one built of Phase Two (his house was the last of Phase One), and, apparently, our house has the biggest lot on the street. Okay, cool for us. But this guy has “Keeping Up With The Jones’” seeping from his pores. Little does he know that we could give a shit. I assured him that we’d take care of the gravel asap. Or more like ASAIGAS (As Soon As I Give A Shit).

This week we’re having the inside of the house painted so that when we invite the Friends over, they won’t vomit from disgust/over-saturation of pukish green. Because of all the painting, Bee and I are banished to the master bedroom and the bonus room (aka: the only two rooms slightly baby proofed). But, of course, all the crap that needs to be unpacked and put away is in ALL THE OTHER ROOMS. Sigh. Is the painting done yet?

How about now?


Le sigh.

And to top it all off, I don’t have cable and/or internet. Seriously fooked up. If you know me (or have read enough of this blog), you know that about 2 hours in to not having cable television or an internet connection, I was suffering from a bad case of the shakes. AND…all my goddamn responsible neighbors have security-enabled Wi-Fi. Bastards.

We should have it all hooked up by this evening if the cable guy decides to grace me with his presence. I’ve already warned my family that if, for any reason, said cable guy is unable to successfully provide both internet and cable television by this evening, some one will be punched in the Nards. Capitol N. Hey, cable dude? You’ve been warned.

Song title: Catch Up by Ludacris

Now That We’re Done

27 Aug

We officially have the keys to the new house! Baby Bee and I went over straight away and danced in the kitchen together singing, “This is our new house! This is our new house!” Okay, well I sung and danced around, but Bee had a pretty good time, too! Yeah, the neighbors probably think they have Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs next door (and they’d be right), but we had a blast!!

Song title: Now That We’re Done by 112

Waiting For The Day

25 Aug

Today we signed the paperwork on the new house!! Now we are in “Waiting to Exhale” mode.

Otherwise known as the “Give me the fucking keys to my pretty new house because I hate the crap hole I live in and the douche bag who blows cigarette smoke in to my open screen door even though it’s a billion degrees in here and I have to keep the door open or I will die in my own feels-like-early-onset-Menopause-sweating, you stupid douche” stage.

Oh, and trying to sign legal paperwork with a very tired and due-for-a-nap toddler is sooooo not fun. Take my word, get a babysitter.

Song title: Waiting For The Day by Bachelor Girl

Write It Down

21 Aug

Holy crap balls! I just scheduled our signing for the new house for Monday morning!

Is this really happening?! Is the house really going to be ours?!?! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Song title: Write It Down by Bleach

Home Sweet Home

13 Aug

Remember this place?

Well, I just got a call from our RE agent and…


The bank approved the sale and now they want to close by the 27th of, wait for it, THIS MONTH! HOLY CRAP BALLS! Our inspection is tomorrow morning!!

I’m kind of shitting my pants. And have a stupid giant grin on my face!

Song title: Home Sweet Home by A Human and His Stds

At Last

17 Jul

If you are new to the Bee Hive, Mr. Bee and I have been house hunting since, well, March or earlier. We’ve gone through some trials and tribulations trying to find our perfect home and since we plan on staying in our next home 15+ years, we really want it to be perfect.

Enter: Our new (hopefully) home:
Mr. Bee really wanted this style home on the only street we have really been hunting on for the last month or so. Well, you got your wish, sir!

This house is a pre-foreclosure, so the price is ridic. And it’s bigger than we wanted and has a valley/Cascade Mountain Range view!! Pretty much as close to perfect as they come (for us, anyway).

We put an offer on the house first thing Monday and word on the street is that the paperwork has been approved and signed by the home owners and is on its way to the listing agent as I type! UPDATE: Paperwork has arrived and is now headed to the lien-holder (aka: the Bank). However, with a pre-foreclosure/quick-sale that is only the first hurdle we must overcome. Meow meow*. The listing agent will now forward it to the bank who has to approve the deal. This could take…wait for it…up to a couple months!!

That’s right, friends. Mama Bee and Family may be in their apartment until, gasp, OCTOBER! Oh yeah, threw up in my mouth a little right then.

But don’t worry, even without the deal sealed, Mama has been busy designing the furniture layout and future paint colors to her almost-but-not-really house! Gotta have something to help me waste the next three months stuck in this shoebox of an apartment (gag).

*I realized that anyone reading this (besides Mrs. J) probably has no idea what “meow meow” means. The birthplace of “meow meow” (or mwmw in shorthand) is from Saturday Night Live. Remember Debbie Downer? Well, it comes from this sketch. I triple-dog-dare you to watch it and not laugh. Note that Amy Poehler spends practically the entire sketch staring down in to her food eating so that she doesn’t break character like everybody else! Anyways, so now Mrs. J and I say it roughly 8 billion times a day! For those of you that don’t like it…meow meow. Oh, and suck it.

Song title: At Last by Etta James