More Manners Please
2 Nov
In case you didn’t realize, last weekend was a really important date to children all around the nation.
Daylight Savings. Duh.
Oh, and Halloween, too.
Along with the obligatory ten pounds that I will gain from the twenty metric fuck-tons of Halloween candy we have left over (you’d think with this economy there would’ve been more kids out begging for free shit, right?) comes the obligatory Halloween photos.
In fact, I’m pretty sure that I would lose my virginity blogging license or something if I didn’t post photos of everybody all dressed up and ready to party.
And by “party” I mean “I can’t believe I made the entire family dress up in full costume to go around the neighborhood with Bee and only find like five houses that had their lights on. What the fuck, neighbors?! I did not hunt these stupid pirate costumes on eBay just to have Halloween humbugs keep your lights off and hide in your living rooms when we all know you are home, you goddamn cheapskates.”
Whew.
Now that I got that off my voluptuous I mean, average unless I’m being honest then under-developed chest, here are said photos of my deliciously adorable family:
While all dressed up and, if I’m going to be honest, feeling a bit like a retard being so dressed up and passing out candy to the neighborhood kids, I had a little epiphany.
We all know that Halloween is when your true self comes out. For most women, it’s when your inner (and outer) slut comes out. (FYI ladies: a holiday doesn’t made you any less of a whore.)
For example, I had a couldn’t-have-been-older-than-twelve-year-old come to my house wearing a version of this costume:
I shit you not, I found this costume online under “Tweens”.
Parents: your daughter should never, ever, EVER be allowed out of the house in this costume. Ever.
But that wasn’t my epiphany.
I realized that Halloween is when your true manners come out.
We had a lot of tweenage kids (mostly boys) visit our house last night and I couldn’t believe how ridiculously rude some of them were.
Yes, I expect that a few stupid kids won’t even put on a costume and still expect me to put candy in their garbage bags. Classy. But I last year I had a tons of kids that wouldn’t even say “Trick or Treat”!!
So this year, when a group of douchey tweenage boys came to the door and just stood there, I stood there too.
It was like the great Halloween Stand-off of ’09.
I’m getting pretty good at these stand-off things.
Eventually, after standing there staring at each other for a few moments, I had to say, “Uh, aren’t you supposed to say something to me?” FINALLY, one of the douchebags children are our future said “trick or treat”.
Can I tell you, one boy (in a different tweeny group) looked at the candy I had given him and then looked me square in the eye with a look of disappointment and entitlement and said, “Next time I’ll trick you.”
Really, kid? REALLY?!
I know a fuck more about the legal system and I’ll make sure your little ass is in community service until I’m handing out Halloween candy to your CHILDREN’S CHILDREN!!
Okay, I didn’t say that.
I actually just nervously giggled and said, “heh. heh. Happy Halloween?”
Later, I calmed myself down by watching a few scary movies on the good ol’ TiVo. There were quite a few options on television Halloween night…
I’m still having nightmares.
“The music is played for love, Cruisin’ is made for love. I love it when we’re cruisin’ together…”
Song title: More Manners Please by Markus Schultz
The Cool Kids