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Jesus Is the Reason for the Season

31 Dec

You know, if by “Jesus” you mean “Santabator” and “totally inappropriate holiday gift exchanges”.

A few weeks ago, my friends and I celebrated the season with our annual Santabator party.

“What/Who is Santabator?” you ask?

Check out here, here and here for your answers. Or more questions. You never can tell.

This year, I wanted to really remind all my friends the real reason for our Santabator celebration. So I compiled a gift that surprisingly was snatched up right away during the exchange (we have yet to determine why a friend of ours is so obsessed with these particular items…)


First, I passed along a treasured gift, the giant silver crucifix. Earlier this year, when I was having issues with my anxiety, et al, Arla-Shay came over for a playdate (with her kid, duh. Not that we need the kids for a playdate; they are just a good excuse!). She told me that she knew I was going through a rough time and had brought a gift for me. It was something that her mother had given to her.

Totally thinking that she was on the level, I closed my eyes upon her request as she began to take off a necklace that she had been wearing, but had been hidden underneath her shirt. Of course, I opened my eyes to see a nice silvery corpse hanging on a cross around my neck. Totally full of The Awesome!

I felt I needed to convey my “reason for the season” sentiments a little more strongly, so off to the local Christian Outlet (where all the discontinued and damaged Christians are sold) I went!

I’ll be honest with you, part of me thought that I would catch on fire the moment I walked in to the store. And I did keep my eye out for villagers with torches and pitchforks as I did my “shopping” (otherwise known as “what is the cheapest and most Jesus-ey thing in here”).

Once I found the 50% off Christmas tee shirt and the bible accessory gift (because we all have Bibles, duh), Bee and I headed to the cashier. I think I played the role of dutiful Jesus believer accurately until Bee, who is currently obsessed with dinosaurs, pulled out her little stegosaurus toy and began teaching the cashier all about it.


I began giggling nervously about how funny evolution is and that my silly little daughter just likes playing make believe with the Jesus horses and ran my agnostic ass out of there as fast as you can say “NON-BELIEVER! GRAB THE TORCHES!”

But, in the end, it was all worth it to submit my contribution to the Santabator gift exchange, which also had gifts such as…

The Ass-less Banana Hammock

The Ass-less Banana Hammock

A Christmas MerMan/Stripper Ornament

A Christmas MerMan/Stripper Ornament

Spiderman Undies

Spiderman Undies

The 2-in-1 Sparkling Mullet and Car Wash

The 2-in-1 Sparkling Mullet and Car Wash

I’m not kidding. That’s REALLY what it was called!

The Ever-Popular  Bump-Its

The Ever-Popular Bump-Its

I think we all decided as a group that Bump Its, the official (bad) way to give you that ratted up hair bump look, will only work on every 1 in 5 women and only if you don’t mind a huge see-through bubble of hair on the top of your head.

But, you know, maybe that look works for some people?

After some cut-throat gift stealing, yours truly made out with a…wait for it…SNUGGIE!!

YES!! I have now joined the pop culture ranks of total consumer whore*! But I guess with the asterisk since I didn’t actually buy the Snuggie.

But I did buy Snuggies for Sissy’s entire family this year.

Even the dogs.

Okay, I’ll go back and take that asterisk off.

Song title: Jesus Is the Reason for the Season by Kirk Franklin

Absent Friend

17 Dec

Dear Friends,

I am so sorry that I have been completely absent from the blog all week. Here is a rough calculation of how I am spending my days:

7:00 – Bee wakes up and I pretend to be asleep.

7:15 to 8:00 – I attempt to sleep while Bee watches episode upon episode of Dinosaur Train. This could be possible if Bee didn’t insist on narrating every. single. thing. happening on each and every episode.

8:00 to 10:00 – Bee watches more television as it takes me two hours to gather the energy to shower and dress. This doesn’t include makeup or drying of the hair. This two hour period pretty much consists of me laying down for a half hour between every action.

10:00 – Try to convince myself to be productive and plan/shop for big holiday party I am hosting on Saturday.

10:05 to 12:00 – Curl up on couch wanting to die from hours of coughing that leads to dry heaves and gagging.

12:00 – Force-feed lunch to Bee while she plays with random “toys” like Mr. Bee’s belt. “Look at me!” she says with the belt wrapped around her neck.

12:01 – Realize that I will never win Mother of the Year Award. That ship has sailed.

1:15 – Attempt to put Bee down for a nap without reading 12 stories as reading/talking makes me want to vomit.

1:30 to 3:30 – Lay in fetal position on the couch.

3:30 – Realize when Bee wakes from nap that I’ve wasted yet another day. Feel guilt beyond measure even though everyone assures me that being worthless during the 1st trimester is allowed/expected.

4:00 – Go comatose when realizing how much work needs to be accomplished to successfully host party AND Christmas Eve dinner within a week.

4:30 – Realize how many Christmas presents still need to be purchased.

4:31 – Curse not being able to drink profusely to deal with holiday stress.

5:00 to 5:30 – Count minutes until fabulous husband comes home from work. (P.S. I have the best husband ever. Seriously.)

5:30 to 9:30 – Lay in fetal position on the couch until the sweet release of sleep overcomes me. Oh sleep, how you don’t make me vomit.

So that’s pretty much what I’m doing all day when I’m not blogging. Even though I have a ton to blog about. Hopefully I will get off my lazy ass and tell you about my awesome Santabator present (it has a little to do with Jesus) and the on-going Breaking News that SANTABATOR HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED!


I miss you all, my friends. But I miss you most of all, Santabator.

Song title: Absent Friend by Buoys

Must Be Santa(bator)

14 Dec

T’was two weeks before Christmas
And the house was full of cheer
For the much loved Santabator
Was finally here.

The presents were wrapped
The desserts were all made
And games turned disgusting
were soon to be played.

There was enough food to feed
Twenty or more souls
And a pregnant woman who just had
Not vomiting as a goal.

Every year before Christmas
We follow Santa’s lead
And take time to honor
His masturbatory needs.

And don’t forget the Mrs.
Who is also profane
For she has a strange attachment
To a large candy cane.

So every year at this time
Our friends gather together
To exchange gifts like mullet wash
And banana hammocks of patent leather.

Before the night ends
And most guests are totally lit,
We’ve all laughed so hard
That we’ve peed ourselves (just a bit).

Soon all jokes have been made
From retards to psalms
And usually some mention
of the diaphragm of Dan’s mom.

As we all depart with our gifts
Which will be used more than we’ll say
Merry Santabator to all
Each and every day.

Who DOESN'T ask Santa for an ass-less banana hammock for Xmas?

Song title: Must Be Santa by Raffi

‘Tis the Season

24 Nov

I Know It’s Not Thanksgiving Yet…
…but I’ve definitely been swept up by the holiday spirit.

Since I’m not terribly religious, the holiday season (or Festivus, as we lovingly call it in the Bee Home) consists of mostly decorations, presents and food. And since I ain’t getting off my lazy ass to cook today, let’s talk about decorating and presents!

First of all, most of the “decorations” we currently have for any holiday are a janky ass collection of knick knacks. I’m slowly accumulating a collection of cute Pottery Barn items every year from the after-Christmas Clearance, but have yet to get more than one or two cute pieces per holiday. To make matters worse, having just moved in to a new home, I’m dying to decorate for the holidays! Even though we’re pinching our pennies to see how all the finances will work out with the new and larger mortgage, I promised him sex somehow convinced Mr. Bee to let me buy some fun stuff at Joann’s yesterday!

I’m attempting to roughly mimic this photo from the P.B. catalog:

'Cause everyone's house looks like this, right?

So far, I’ve finished two small wreaths for our front doors.
Suck it, Martha.
But now I have at least fourteen (yeah, you heard me. FOURTEEN.) strands of garland to wire with ornaments.
What the fuck was I thinking?
I hope to be done by next Christmas. Hopefully.

Besides being addicted to crafts, I love me some gadgets. So my goal for this Christmas is to ask for only pretty shiny new electronics. Here’s what I have so far:
ShinyDS Lite
Ever since playing around with my mom and nephew’s DS Lite’s, I’m totally hooked! Mr. Bee is not sold on the pink and/or Susan G. Komen version that I’m asking for. He doesn’t quite realize that the reason I want a pink sparkly DS is so that his thieving ass won’t steal it! But seriously, I won’t rest until I have one of these. I know, I know, like I need something other than raising my daughter, keeping the house, holiday crafts and watching 80 hours of television to keep me busy…

FancyNikon SLR D60
There’s no chance in hell that I am actually going to get this $600+ camera for Christmas, but one can dream, right? I really want to be able to take some really great photos of Baby Bee and Future Cletus the Fetus. At least, that’s the guilt trip I’m laying on Mr. Bee until I get this awesome camera!

Spiffy CoolWacom Drawing Tablet
I’ve been told this tablet is the shiz for drawing with your computer. Here’s a little known fact about Mama Bee: I fancy myself an artist. I’ve been rambling enough for today, but I promise a future post with some of my artwork. A drawing tablet like this would open up worlds of new techniques and fun to me!

So, what are you asking Santa for Christmas?

Song title: ‘Tis The Season