Good times!

A girlfriend of mine, who is getting married this August, is having her Bachelorette party the first weekend in May.

In Las Vegas.

This Bachelorette party is destined to be chock full of drinking and debauchery, with a sprinkling of laying poolside in between events with strippers (gag). (I’m sure you’d think with all my heathen behavior I’d be all over the naked dudes, but, uh, no, thank you. Not a fan.)

In fact, the last time we were in Vegas, the Bachelorette passed out in the buffet lobby! (see photo) Seriously, there will be some GOOD stories coming out of this trip (as long as I get approval to blog about said confidential Vegas stories, of course!).

In order to prepare, I am creating a Vegas To Do List. I’m hoping to accomplish all the tasks listed before May 6th.

• Lose 10-20 pounds.  Each and every one of the other 8 participants will be Women Without Kids, otherwise known as WWK or, in my personal dictionary, stupid bitches. JUST KIDDING LADIES!
• Tan until I either lose my transparency or shed my top layer of skin like an Anaconda. Seriously, people. I live in the Pacific Northwest, for Christ’s sake. I think albinos are more tan than I am.
• Find appropriate (read: inappropriate) clothes. Have a mentioned lately that I’m a MOM! I don’t have clothing appropriate for the club/bar scene!! Unless I go out and buy clothes specifically for this trip – which is what I will probably do – the best I could possibly hope for are jeans without holes in them from crawling around on the floor with Bee and a top that flows away from my muffin top, not clings to it. I will be searching non-stop for clothes that are slutty enough for Vegas, but not so slutty as to make me vomit in my mouth. It’s a delicate balance…
  
• Figure out how to lose the cellulite that coats the back of my thighs. I’m tempted to cut the cottage cheese out, bottle it up, and just drop the jugs off in the dairy aisle. I swear NO ONE will no the difference.
• Exercise “daily”. Make that, “twice daily”. Eh, maybe make that, “CONSTANTLY”. Did I mention that I will have to do approximately (and this is just an estimate) 8 billion sit-ups a day to lie poolside next to those stupid bitches, I mean, my friends?
• Find my magical bathing suit and the chicken cutlets to “enhance” my boobage. Seriously, I will have more cutlets than Chick-fil-a and more duct tape than Home Depot keeping this ::sweeping arm movement over entire body:: from scaring the poor school children on vacation with their parents. And by “school children,” I mean drunken bachelors scoping out my friends.
• Shave all noticeable body hair (except my hair hair, of course). Is it just me, or is it nerve-wracking trying to get rid of all the hair you need to get rid of in order to be seen in public in a bathing suit? I need to just bathe in Nair or something…
• Continue all over beauty maintenance. For such an event, I’m sure to require a hair cut, highlights, mani and pedi, to just name a few procedures. Maybe Botox and a boob job…

My shopping has begun and I already successfully worked out once this week. Only 857 million sit-ups to do before the 6th. Why is it so difficult and time consuming to beautify one’s self?

But I can do it all in less than five weeks, right?

Viva Las Vegas by Elvis Presley

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Mrs. J!

Hope you are having a fabulous day!

It’s Your Birthday by American Music Club

On Friday evening, as I attempted to drive the one-hour distance to Seattle in 30 minutes (yeah, um, that didn’t work so well) I realized something that is disturbing to me…

I think I might be falling out of love with Seattle.

For shame, I know!

Ever since living in Seattle for my college and law school education (yeah, I’m have a really expensive collection of pretty pieces of paper – Sidenote: if you are looking for info on advanced degrees, a friend of mine works at a cool place called The Online College Guru!), I have loved Seattle. In fact, I have felt more at home in Seattle than I do the city that I lived/grew up in for 20+ years. Something about the city just draws me in.

I even enjoy the drive up to the city. Especially on the Viaduct, where you have the Puget Sound and ferries on your left and the City flanking your right. Simple Beautiful.

But this last Friday, something was different.

Instead of reveling in the Happy Hour in the City-ness, I was instead perturbed at the lack of parking and wondering how I would manage to walk the few blocks through drug-induced arguments on the street to my posh restaurant location. The same neighborhood which I used to think was so hip, now seemed so dirty and, well, dangerous.

And, I shit you not, as we were leaving the restaurant, joking about the possible drug altercations we would see on the way to the car, we noticed a police van loading people in. A POLICE VAN, people! Did I mention that this was literally next door to the restaurant we’d been eating at?! Stay classy, Seattle.

And suddenly the suburbs have been looking better and better.

Maybe it’s just something that comes with getting older. Seriously, I will be THIRTY in a few months; I’m practically prehistoric, dude.

And I imagine it may have to do with being a mom. Instead of thinking that drug deals were pure entertainment and/or YouTube fodder, now it seems like I actually feel the need to protect my baby’s Mama (aka: me, if you were wondering. I have the vag scars to prove it).

But here in the ‘burbs, it is pretty hard to find a restaurant that serves fries with fried egg and ham on top.

And crispy California rolls.

And truffle fries.

And lobster paella.

Well, let’s just say that maybe me and Seattle will stay friends.

With benefits.

Song title: Falling in and Out of Love by Pure Prairie League

I had a friend over for Girl’s Night on Tuesday when she got an unexpected phone call from her husband who was at home, watching their 18-month old boy.

My friend’s husband had been working on his laptop when he had to take a break to change his son’s diaper. He put the laptop on the playroom floor and began changing his son in another room.

Mid-diaper-change, the little 18-month old pops up naked from the floor and runs away. The husband runs after him, following the little rascal in to the playroom where he sees his son peeing directly on his laptop.

Now the husband’s laptop is possible ruined!

Lesson learned: when in comes to computers, it’s always a good idea to keep the peeps in the pants.

Song title: The Longest Pee by Adam Sandler

This weekend has been chock full of Christmas-ey goodness! Friday night I traveled through super crappy traffic to the Dirty North for…

Song title: Christmas Is Coming by A Charlie Brown Christmas Soundtrack

Jingle Bells
Well, it’s officially that time of year. People are preparing for the holidays with various tradtions: sending out Christmas cards, bringing the kids to see Santa, trying to find room in the living room for the Christmas tree, and, of course, listening to the Christmas radio station 24/7 and turning our babies in to consumer whores (kidding, Pearl!).

While all those traditions are fine and dandy, they can’t possibly stand up to THE holiday tradition of the season:

“But Mama Bee, what do you do at said holiday party, pray tell?”

Friend, I thought you’d never ask.

Well, first we usually consume a ridiculous amount of food and alcohol. Then, the showcase of the evening, the presents. Typically the presents range from hilarious to oh-god-I-just-shat-myself hilarious. Here are just a few from last year’s shindig:

The presents shown (from left to right) are (1) a Darth Vader helmet that features a voice-altering thing-a-ma-bobber that makes you sound like Darth. You can imagine what we said as Darth. (2) The obligatory phallic sausages. (3) The “oversized” gift set, including gigantic stocking, huge (ornament) balls, large decorative bow, etc.

Following or during the gift exchange, usually Santabator and Mrs. Clause find themselves in some compromising positions…

Did I mention the drinking?

And at some point, I think some baby smuggling occurs. Hell, those little buggers go for a lot on the black market, right?

Happy Santabator to you and yours!

Song title: Celebrate and Party by Hymns

I can’t believe I forgot to give a shout out to Sara from The McGowan Foursome for tagging Bee. Sorry it took me until this Monday to follow up!

Song title: Forgetful Lucy by Adam Sandler

My 17-month old daughter almost made me cry in public today.
In fact, I’m pretty sure that one more outburst would have had me in tears. Lots of tears.

See, I was out at lunch with my closest friends at a downtown cafe when, all of a sudden, my beautiful Baby Bee turned in to something resembling this random kid from Google:

And when my somewhat typical of a luncheon turned in to a life-changing-news luncheon, instead of being a good friend, an attentive friend, I was a crabby friend. A distracted friend. A friend who smiled and tried to join in on the fun, but was crying on the inside from frustration.

Motherhood has officially made me a shitty shitty friend.

I should have seen the news coming. I should have been paying attention. But instead, I was being mortified by Baby Bee screeching her head off and having a temper tantrum on the floor. When everyone was laughing because I obviously wasn’t clued in to what was going on, I was already so frustrated at the situation that instead of “getting it”, I snapped at them, asking if I was missing some joke (or basically, was I the center of one?).

I’ve never, EVER, felt like such a crappy person and friend as I do now. I should’ve been all smiles and sunshine and puppy dogs, but instead I feel like I was a big rain cloud over the day.

I don’t blame anything or anyone for my shitty mood, but me. With that said (ha ha), since when did motherhood suck the fun and joy out of everything? Everything has gotten so difficult. It’s difficult to eat at restaurants (gotta keep that kid entertained and eating). It’s difficult to connect with your husband and your marriage (far too busy taking care of the little one and fighting about how to that). And it’s difficult to be a friend, especially when you don’t have the freedom that comes with being childless.

Maybe this is all just a side effect of little sleep, lots of stress and being a single-mom 2/3rds of the week now. Who knows? Maybe tonight I’ll take a bath, go to bed early and, maybe, hopefully, wake up smiling.

Song title: Cry with a Smile by After Forever

A little belated, but super duper Congratulations goes out Brain Twin, who got married this weekend!

Crazy beautiful, right?

If you want to follow her journey as a married lady, check out her blog: YuMarried.

Bamber, please note that I purposefully am holding back on posting the photo of your beau picking his nose right in front of the camera. However, I will hold it as blackmail against him if the occassion arises. LOL!

Song title: I Saw A Man And He Danced With His Wife by Cher

Love Thy Neighbor
So Mr. Bee has this friend, let’s call him Fred, who isn’t big on the dating scene. Some of their collective friends decided, with Fred’s permission, to create an EHarmony profile for Fred. Not long after, Fred started talking online with a lady, we’ll call her Suzy.

Suzy lives in the same town as Fred and the other day Fred starts talking about where he lives. He says, “I live in downtown Townville.”

She says, “Me too!”

He says, “Well, I live over behind the car dealerships.”

She says, “uh, me too!”

He says, “Well, uh, I live on Main Street…”

She says, “Do you drive a Mini Cooper?”

And Fred does! So she says, “Go out in to your driveway!”

When Fred walks out to his driveway, he sees Suzy across the street and four houses down!! They went on their first date a few days ago; Fred “picked up” Suzy at her house and they walked downtown to dinner.

I’ve told Mr. Bee that these two will totally end up getting married since that is such an awesome story! Who knew it would take EHarmony to meet your neighbor four doors down.

UPDATE: Mr. Bee informed me tonight that Fred learned through Suzy that the neighborhood gossip was that he was potentially gay since he has a friend (male) that comes over every Friday to do his laundry at Fred’s house! LMAO!

Song title: It’s A Small World (After All) from Disney, the Musical