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The Stalker’s Blessing

16 Jan

Okay, I’ve tried my best to keep my big, HUGE, RIDICULOUSLY AWESOME news to myself until I recap this week’s episode of The Bachelor, but I just can’t hold it in any longer.

That’s what he said?

My story begins about a month or so ago when Mr. Bee invited me to go on a business trip with him. See, Mr. Bee is a Vice President within his company and occasionally he gets to go to this Executive Summit thingy in pretty awesome locations. The last one I went to was BC (Before Children) and we stayed at a beautiful resort on Coronado Island off of San Diego.

I wasn’t sure if I would make the effort to attend this year’s meeting (buying plane tickets, finding sitters for the kids/dogs – oh, yeah, we have two puppies now!) until I found out where the meeting was located this year…

photo courtesy of www.luxuryhotels.com

Holy balls, guys.

 

No joke, people. We are staying at the Fairmont Biltmore in Santa Barbara! “What’s so fancy about that?” you ask. Well, first of all, the CHEAPEST room you can book there is…wait for it…SEVEN HUNDRED DOLLARS A NIGHT!

I don’t know about YOU, but this will be, without a doubt, the nicest and most expensive hotel I have ever stayed in…and it’s FREE!!

The reason I tell you this isn’t to brag (okay, it’s to brag a <i>little</i>). You see, a few days ago, Mr. Bee received an email from work about Things To Know Before You Go. Like the closest airports, where to park, dress codes on any particular evening.

What really caught my eye, however, was at the very bottom of the page.

Screen Shot 2014-01-16 at 8.40.56 AM

 

Okay, so big deal, right? After perusing the email, I didn’t give any of the info much thought.

But wait a second…

A wedding on January 26th? That’s a Sunday. Huh. Kinda weird, but not really.

But didn’t I know of some other wedding happening on a Sunday sometime soon?

It took me a little while, because, let’s be honest, I’m not the brightest bulb in the lamp store. Did you figure it out already?

photo courtesy of www.people.com

ohmahgod ohmahgod ohmahgod

 

I shit you not, folks.

I am going to be staying AT THE SAME HOTEL AS THE LIVE BACHELOR WEDDING OF SEAN AND CATHERINE!!!

I’ll let that sink in for a moment.

Holy fuck, amiright?!

AND since the wedding is being live telecast on ABC, I even know WHEN to expect the wedding to begin (about four hours after our arrival at the resort).

So, needless to say, I will be blogging the SHIT out of this thing! And attempting my very best to get photos, video, a lock of hair from Juan Pablo and/or Chris and/or Arie (oh yes ladies, THEY WILL ALL BE THERE!).

Okay, I am freaking myself out again right now. My heart pretty much has a seizure, my brain is melting and my ovaries exploding at the very THOUGHT of seeing JP, Chris, Arie, Chris Harrison in person…

Jesus Christ, people. I need some advice! What do I wear? What do I say if I happen to meet someone of Bachelor/ette lore? How can I possibly infiltrate the event without (1) tossing my underwear at JP, (2) getting arrested, (3) getting Mr. Bee fired, or (4) all of the above?

momtobee_signature

 

 

 

Song title: The Stalker’s Blessing by Dawn

Drink The Kool-Aid

8 Sep

As a shameless self-promotion by an admitted attention whore (hello, I’m a blogger, right?), I’m celebrating my 100th Facebook Fan with…wait for it…A GIVEAWAY!!

What do you get?

Grand Prize:
A $25 Gift Card to Le Target!

Runner Up Prize:
2 8-packs of Naughty Betty greeting cards

Honorary Mentions:
When you just have to tell people how awesome you are…

You know those times when you totally deserve a Thank You and you never get it? Well, here’s a little something you can pass off to those assholes…

So how do you go about scoring these Full of the Awesome Items (trademark!)?

Uh, you have to be my blog whore, obviously. It’s this simple:

You get 1 point for being a Facebook Fan of Mom to Bee.

For additional points, all you have to do is whore me out on your Facebook page! Make sure you like to the Mom to Bee page so I can count your whoring. This is unlimited whoring, people. 1 point per link. The most links wins.

If you don’t know how to tag in your Facebook status update, check out this help page!

Contest ends…eh, how about Tuesday, 8pm PST?

Well, what are you waiting for! Whore away, my beloved minions!!

P.S. I super love each and every one of you and don’t you forget it or I will kidnap you, tattoo it on your forehead and leave you in a bathtub full of ice, possibly missing a few organs. I mean, shit, how else am I gonna afford all these totally lame bad ass prizes?

Drink The Kool-Aid by Ice Cube

The Thief

28 Jul

For those of you who don’t know me personally or intimately even (not that way! Geesus, get your head out of the gutter…wink, wink, nudge, nudge), might not know that despite my dirty mouth and dirtier mind, I am actually quite the square.

Like I didn’t drink until I was properly 21 years old square.

That made up for losing my virginity at the age of 9.

KIDDING! Geez. I was 10.

What can I say? My mommy raised me right.

My mommy also raised me with a substantial guilt complex, which makes the next part of my story make a lot more sense.

I realized recently that I have been heading down a slippery slope. A slope in to the underworld of our society.

I don’t think I’m exaggerating at all.

I am a thief.

It first began with some Facebook ranting about a local fancy pants movie theater that has recently changed it’s format to not as fancy pantsy. Have I gone to the new theater? Well, uh, no. Did that stop me from bitching about it on their Facebook page? Of course not, silly!

So what did the theater do? Comp me a free ticket TWO free tickets to check out the theater!

Oh, the guilt is washing over me like something that washes over someone. Nausea? Sorry, I left my thesaurus at home.

“That’s not a big deal,” you say. “Squeaky wheel and whatnot.”

Okay, sure. I’ll give you that one.

But then I stole from Amazon.

For shame.

You see, we bought this new bottle brush for cleaning Bug’s fifty hundred bottles and kind of, um, forgot that we had it shipped to our PO Box, which we check, I don’t know, once every three years or so. So when we didn’t receive it in the mail, there I was again “bitch bitch bitch! Where’s my shit, Amazon!? You suck my lady balls!”

A few days later…POOF! A new bottle brush was delivered tout de suite.

And then we visited the Post Office.

And found our originally ordered bottle brush.

Seriously, people. It’s like I’m a fucking mob boss or something.

But that’s not even the worst story!

Remember back when I was on my tank top shopping sprees?

Who are we kidding? I’m still obsessed. I’ve worn like six in the last two days.

Well, I was going to buy Mr. Bee a tee shirt for the local NBA team but found out at the counter that I couldn’t use my Groupon for it.

::cough::bullshit::cough::

Upon discovering that I would have to spend actual money (what the what?!), I politely declined to purchase said tee shirt. I believe my exact words were, “Seriously?! Pa-shaw, no thanks. We will not be buying the tee shirt, thankyouverymuch.”

But then…

when I got home…

They had forgotten to take the shirt out of the bag after they took it off my bill!

I’m so going to hell. You know, if I believed in it.

I’m not shitting you, I actually contemplated driving back to the store to return it until pretty much every single person I have ever met (Really, Father McCallahan?) told me that I would be a total idiot if I went back to the store.

But I feel so much guilt over these tiny little indiscretions.

At this point all of said products couldn’t be returned even if I wanted to…

Amazon doesn’t want a used bottle brush??!!

…but I can’t help but think this behavior is one step away from starting my very own meth lab in my kitchen and peddling drugs to preschoolers.

Or do preschoolers prefer ecstasy?

Song title: The Thief by Brooke Frasere

Ungrateful Lady

26 Dec

What is the one thing every stay-at-home-mom with a tantrum-throwing preschooler and an almost five-month old baby needs for Christmas?

Did you guess a 1000 piece puzzle?

Yeah, neither did I.

I’ll get right on that, right after I get more than two hours consecutive sleep and get to go to the bathroom unaccompanied by a minor.

Song title: Ungrateful Lady by John Holy

Giveaway Girl – Part Deux

27 Sep

Alright Fanilows, you only have roughly twelve more hours to enter my Made With Love Giveaway featuring a Philosophy Bath Duo and an adorable outfit for the cute little baby girl in your life! Did I mention that it’s about $70 worth of prizes?!

To enter the contest, all you have to do is join the Mom to Bee Facebook Fan Page!

And today only you can get TWO ADDITIONAL ENTRIES PER HOUR by whoring out Mom to Bee on Facebook! That’s TWENTY-FOUR more possible entries in to the contest!! Just don’t forget to link to the Mom to Bee Page so I can keep track!

Ready? Set? Go!

Giveaway Girl

23 Sep

I’M HAVING A GIVEAWAY!!!

Because I love you.

Because I want to love more of you.

Because it’s been sitting around my house for ages.

Because this way I don’t have to write a real post.

Do you smell? Badly? Have you been sitting around the house thinking, “By golly, I wish I smelled like raspberries and cream? And why did I just think ‘by golly’? Really, am I Laura Ingalls Wilder or something? I need to get out more…”

Well, then, you probably could use this:

Philosophy Raspberries and Cream Shower Gel & Lotion Duo

Creepy little girl not included

Creepy little girl not included

this set includes raspberries and cream shampoo, shower gel & bubble bath and body lotion 8 oz. it also may or may not double as car wash, dishwasher detergent, toothpaste, fingernail polish remover and/or sexual lubricant.

Now that you are all freshly bathed and smelling delectable, your husband will surely ravage you as soon as he smells the first waft of raspberries. And cream. Don’t forget the cream.

After your night of passionate love-making, you realize that all those bubbles made you ovulate and you totally trusted your husband when he said that one night without the “goalie” surely wouldn’t get you pregnant, but guess what? You’re late. Nine months later, you pop out a beautiful baby girl, but in all of your excitement (and bitter resentment for your husband) you forgot to buy clothes for your now naked and shivering baby.

Then why don’t I throw in an adorable Marie Chantal Polka Dot Footed Coverall!

Made with Love (mostly)

Marie Chantal’s white and pink polka dot long sleeve footed coverall is made of 100% cotton. “Made with love” is centered on the upper bodice of this footed coverall in pink script against a white backdrop. Pink polka dots adorn the sleeves of this adorable footed coverall. Buttons located on the back of this coverall provide easy access for diaper changes after those inevitable blow outs. Size: 3 months.

TO ENTER THE CONTEST:
1. Become a Fan of Mom to Bee on Facebook. If you are already a fan, you will automatically be entered in to the contest!

2. For extra entries, spread the good word of Mom to Bee: Create a status update on Facebook linking to Mom to Bee. The funnier the better! (To link to Mom to Bee, during a status update just type @Mom to Bee anywhere in your status update box. This will then give you a select box where you can select the Mom to Bee Fan Page. After you select that item it will be replaced in your status update box as a link.)

The winner will be chosen at random on Monday evening. That gives you all weekend to whore out the good word of Mama Bee.

Because I love you and whatnot.

Song title: Giveaway Girl by Justin Tubb

Free As A Bumble Bee

18 Jan

Well, ladies and gentleman, it’s about that time…

TIME TO GIVE AWAY MORE FREE SHIT ON THE BLOG!!

FREE STUFF YAY!

Some of you may be familiar with Arla-Shay, my lover from another mother…

Arla-Shay at the Glitter Party

Arla-Shay at the Glitter Party

I swear that she normally wears far less eyeshadow and glitter. And her eyes don’t normally glow red like the Devil either.

Her husband, on the other hand, totally has a mullet.

Well, Arla-Shay has started a new Etsy store that features her awesome knitting. Seriously, even though knitting is for, like, 80-year-olds, this girl can knit with the best of them! (I jest! I jest! I wish I had the skills to knit! I’m pretty sure I would just accidentally poke both my eyes out with those big needles if I ever picked them up…)

So in honor of her Etsy debut, Arla-Shay is giving away a pair of hand-knit pink & charcoal gloves, complete with the cute stringy thing that will make sure that little devils like Bee don’t lose them!

Pink and Charcoal Gloves

The Gloves In Action!

UPDATE: I just got word from Arla-Shay that she’ll knit a pair of mittens for a boy if you’d prefer!!

So here’s the dealio to enter in the contest…

Visit Arla-Shay’s Etsy Shop (click here) and post in the comment section of this post which item is your favorite! If you’d like, you can also comment about how adorable her glove models are…

For an additional entry, sign up to receive Mom to Bee in your inbox (click here). If you are already receiving Mom to Bee in your inbox, you already qualify for the extra entry!

For shits and giggles, we’ll keep the contest going until Thursday night, 8 p.m. PST. (’cause a girl needs to be free to watch her stories). I’ll post the winner first thing Friday morning!

Good luck!!

Song title: Free As A Bumble Bee by ABBA

Red Plum

23 Nov

Those of you who stalk me like good little sheepies know that last Thursday I had my very first deal with the devil blogger marketing event thingy.

Seriously, that is the technical term. I Googled it.

Weeks ago I got an email from Red Plum, you know, those dudes who lovingly provide you with coupons every day in your mailbox/newspaper/email/underwear drawer/etc., asking me to attend something called “My Frugalicious Holiday”.

I swear we didn't MEAN for the flash to completely block out the sponsor's name!

The obligatory "Frugalicious Holiday" sign photo

Since I’m a total patsy for anything -licious, I spent the last week trying to convince myself that my first blogger event would be awesome and not anything like I imagine (basically a room full of carnivorous, hair-pulling, bitches who would laugh at my outfit while simultaneously ignoring/shaming me in to a corner like a good little wallflower).

After struggling over what to wear (sweet jesus, what to wear) and dragging Mrs. J along to help me shiv any of those cold-hearted bitches who would try to knee me in the vagina (because, duh, I’m kind of a vaginalicious), I hopped in the car for a quick drive up to Seattle.

Mmmm...traffic. Tastes like ass.

Oh wait, did I say “quick”? I meant, fucking slow as shit. Seriously, Seattle. What the hell.

But it was cool. I spent the time not freaking out (which, as we know, is kind of a shock) thanks to licking a Xanax before I left the house. And I rocked the party in my car with plenty of James Taylor and Train. (Shut up. My iPod is the definition of adult contemporary.)

Sidenote: Why did the Starbucks I’m sitting in suddenly start smelling like fish? That can’t be a good thing…

Anywho, after fighting through the hoards of traffic while singing Footloose at the top of my lungs, I finally arrived at the event.

First of all, most importantly, I totally rocked my Marc Jacob heels.

Uh, four inch heels are tall. Yikes!

And, yes, I did take photos of my own feet while trying to impress people. Because that’s how I roll.

After subtly infiltrating the other bloggers ranks with my sneaky and effective “Hi! I don’t know you, but I’m going to sit down with you and join your conversation whether you want me to or not so suck it” technique, I really started socializing and even forcefully shoved in to their hands handed out my blog business cards (which were pretty clever, ifIdosaysomyself).

What the hell did this crazy chick just shove in my hand?

I won’t lie. There were probably some mixed reviews.

I made even more of a name for myself when I won the door prize, a beautiful centerpiece wreath made of what I believe to be olive leaves. It smells wonderful and I can’t wait to use it for our Thanksgiving table!

When it was presented to me, the blogger to my right leaned over and asked, “What is that?!”

Being the serious professional that I am, I said, “It’s a hat. Obviously.”

I wasn't lying.

Oh yes, ladies and gentleman. I am nothing if not professional.

Thanks again to Red Plum, who fed us so well (seriously, I think Mrs. J was preparing for hibernation. That girl can eat!) and giving us some fabulous swag bags! I could get used to this wining and dining shit.

Song title: Red Plum by Trolleyvox

Photo Shoot

24 Sep

Probably a month or so ago, I won a photo session on Facebook from a wonderful local photographer named Aly Medina at La Luz Photography.

I finally got around to scheduling the shoot and promptly went out and bought roughly one trillion dollars worth of new clothes for the family. I mean, you can’t have a photo shoot without everyone having coordinating outfits, right?

And, by the way, coordinating outfits for three people without trying to look too matchy-matchy is a royal pain in the ass. Just a nice little public service announcement for y’all.

So after buying 8 trillion different outfits (for myself), the family headed up to my old alma mater (Go dawgs! Woof! Woof!) to practice our runway walks in front of the photographer.

Now, due to Bee’s ridiculous crying and tantrums during our photo shoot with Sissy at the beach (and you’d think since Sissy and I hail from the same vagina, that would lend Sissy some sort of street cred with Bee, right? Yeah, not so much…), the day before the shoot I really made a point to prep Bee on what was going to happen.

Okay, basically I told her that we were taking her to the park.

Tomato, to-mah-to, people.

To be fair, I DID warn her that there would be a nice lady there who would be taking our photos and that every now and again we might have to pose and say “cheese”. Was Bee cool with it? Totally.

Until, you know, we got there and she saw the camera.

What happened next was nothing short of a Linda Blair movie.

Sidenote: What the fuck is up with this photo being on the front page of IMDB right now?!

This photo makes my brain throw up in my head.

Way to make me scratch my eyeballs out with my toenails, IMDB. Thanks for that.

Speaking of freakishly scary things, Bee was absolutely possessed by the devil.

Not only did she refuse to pose for photos, she basically cried any time she (1) saw the photographer, (2) saw the camera, (3) felt the wind blow, (4) remembered that we weren’t at an actual park, (5) took a breath.

Needless to say, it got old real fast.

But despite my child being fully uncooperative, check out these amazing photos we got! I swear, our La Luz is a freakin’ miracle worker.

Or a priest who specializes in exorcisms.

The jury is still out.

Love Love Love

Thank you so much to Aly Medina from La Luz Photography for these great photos! I can wait to place my order and get some hanging up on the walls at home!

Song title: Photo Shoot by Gucci Mane

Let’s Go to the Fair

9 Sep

Thank you so much to all the readers that entered my Puyallup Fair Ticket Giveaway!!

And the winners are:
Randomey random

Look at all the weiners!!

Congratulations to Tara, Keegan, Sharla and Misty! Email me your mailing address (mom_to_bee@yahoo.com) and I’ll get the tickets in the mail post haste. Or today. Whichever is faster.

Song title: Let’s Go to the Fair by Ralph Stanley

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