Mom to Bee

Seriously, I got nothing today, folks. People need to send in some advice column letters or something (hint, hint).

In lieu of my normal hilarity, please enjoy this commercial that I saw on television the other day. Mr. Bee and I have watched it repeatedly and pretty much pee ourselves (and each other – don’t ask) every single time.

Behold, the Booty Pop.

Song title: Ms. New Booty by Bubba Sparxxx

Top 10 Signs That You Are Too Old To Shop At Teen Boutique Stores At The Mall
(including, but not limited to, XXI Forever [you're not fooling anyone with those shiny roman letters, Forever 21], Abercrombie & Fitch, H&M, Hollister, Wet Seal…)

10. You need a bikini wax to wear their medium rise jeans.
9. You can smell the store from 50 feet away.
8. The music is played at decibels so high that you can’t hear the Barry Manilow ringtone on your cell phone.
7. Instead of wearing your normal size womens medium, you now have to search in vain for a XXL (or bigger).
6. The dresses are so short on you that your c-section scar shows.
5. The soft core porn on the walls make you blush (and makes you want to buy a chastity belt for your daughter).
4. You can’t seem to figure out how or why the eighties came back in fashion.
3. You search, unsuccessfully, for anything that isn’t polyester blend.
2. You look at the other shoppers your age with a shared and knowing expression of shame and embarrassment.
1. You haven’t been 21 in forever.

Song title: Too Young but Too Old by Laurie

Ever since moving in to our apartment (gag), somehow miraculously I have been losing weight. Well, okay, actually I technically haven’t lost any weight. The Wii Fit informs me that I weigh the same as a few months ago. But here’s the weird thing: my clothes don’t fit anymore!

A few months ago, I purchased a size 31 Joe’s Jeans(aka: my sparkle butt jeans) at the Rack, and while they’ve never been skin tight, they fit for a while. But now? It’s like I’m wearing man jeans. But for no ascertainable reason! I do have to climb 3 flights of stairs with probably 30 plus pounds on me (Baby Bee plus Diaper Bag plus Whatever I was out of the apartment – gag – to buy in the first place), but I’ve still been on my steady diet of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and Pop Tarts so I’m not sold on that theory.

Any who, I went out last night with the goal to find some jeans that fit instead of looking like frumpy droopy drawers. Figuring that the Great Disappearing Weight will suddenly reappear the minute I leave the apartment (VIMMAL), I didn’t want to spend a huge dollar amount on jeans. I headed to the Gap, keeping in mind that I always have to size up when I’m there (seems like all their jeans are built for tweens lacking my ever-present “good birthing hips”).

Keeping my expectations low, I gathered a large assortment of styles in sizes 10 and 8 (with the size 8 being hopeful). I found a great jean in a size 8, but…it seems a little loose. But…that would mean…

Holy shit balls.

I got to buy a size SIX jean yesterday. SIX! I haven’t worn a size 6 since…well, it’s been so long that I can’t even remember when I worn that size! College, maybe? I am so happy I feel like shouting it from the rooftops! Or maybe getting a custom tee shirt made that says “I still weigh the same, but somehow I’m a size 6!”

God only knows where the mysterious weight is hiding? Under the bed? On summer vaca?
All I know is, hey Love Handles? Don’t come around here no more!

Song title: Don’t Come Around Here No More by Tom Petty

Baby Fashionistas
I simply can’t decide if Heelarious High Heels are hilarious or retarded…but I can admit that (1) If they had 6-12 month sizes, Baby Bee would totally be getting a pair, and (2) Bamber’s first baby girl will SO be getting a pair (probably the zebra print)!

Song Title: Who’s Gonna Shoe Your Pretty Little Feet? by Art Garfunkel

Found my dream summer sandal. And have called EVERY J.Crew in Washington and looked online AND called the catalog. Can’t find them anywhere. Meow meow.

I got some shoes at The Rack yesterday to jazz up my spring/summer fashions (read: I have no idea what I’m going to wear them with yet). They are silver, though, not dark like the picture!

Isn’t this dress gorgeous?!

BCBG Max Azria
Silk Organza Dress
$440

Curl up & Dye, Part 815
I *love* getting my hair done. There is something about the luxury and pampering of getting your hair cut and colored. I love the smell of your hair after you get it colored and how the smell stays around for a while.

The only part of the process that I dislike is that my colorist, who is just fabulous and wonderful and I’d never go to anyone else, cannot keep my face dry when she rinses out my hair. No matter how hard I cross my fingers and think in my hair, “Maybe *this* time will be different,” my colorist will not only rinse off a two-inch section of makeup around my hairline (which I understand – I wouldn’t want her leaving chemicals on my face), but she also manages to get water in my ears and pretty much sprayed across my entire face by the end of the rinse.

And, of course, no matter how many times this has happened to me, I never remember to bring makeup to my hair appointments. So by the end of the appointment, with a big smile on my face to see the final product after I’ve changed out of the robe and in to my shirt again, it never fails that my makeup is rinsed off and I look like the creature from the Black Lagoon.

Hair Blonder, IQ Lower
Here is a photo of today’s end result! I love the cut and was so thrilled to get an appointment with my regular stylist today. As you can see, my color still isn’t the blonde that I usually am, but it’s definitely headed in the right direction.

M.I.L.F.
When I was waiting in the waiting area/lobby of Gene Juarez, this woman came in with her maybe 12 or 14-year-old. This little girl looked way over-”processed” for being so young, but she was obviously a product of her mother. She was just way too highlighted and plucked for a girl her age.

Her mom was obviously *fighting* her age. She was easily late-late 30′s, but I think probably in her 40′s. But someone apparently forgot to tell her.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m all for dressing hip and not being all “mom-ish.” But is there an age you reach where it’s just weird to be wearing hip $200+ jeans with a little graphic tee and high heel pumps? Maybe there is just a very fine line where you have to balance fashion with dressing your age?