We will find out if our little nugget Cletus is a hamburger or a hotdog (girl or a boy) on March 23rd. It seems like lately whenever someone realizes that I’m pregnant and not just letting myself go (to be fair, I am letting myself go as well), the first question out of their mouth is…

“Do you want a boy or a girl?”

First of all, that’s a horrible question because no matter how you answer it, you feel bad that your not-so-soon-to-be-baby will feel like shit if he/she ever found out that they have the “wrong” genitalia. Unless, of course, you answer with the super fucking lame, “We just want it to be healthy.”

Really?! Because there are so many of us parents out there that don’t give a shit if our kid is totally a retarded spider monkey potato baby just as long as she has a vagina?! Jesus Christ.

Anywho, like I was saying, I think the question is really unfair. Mostly because I am totally bias.

My answer to the question every time? A girl.

But it’s not my fault, really. It’s Sissy’s fault.

We were so cute. What happened?

You see, I have one older sister, Sissy. During our youth, we were the typical siblings: I completely annoy the shit out of my sis to which she would respond with an Indian burn on my arm. To which I would go crying to my mom like the youngest is supposed to do. Don’t blame me, blame society.

But once Sissy went away to college, I think it only took roughly 24 hours for us to become best of friends. It was then that we learned that as long as we don’t have to live with each other for longer than a week or so, we are super BFFs.

Sissy and I have never understood how siblings could be anything but the best of friends. We see each other as often as we can living an hour away from each other and having 4.5 kids between us. We call each other roughly 112 times a day, 8 days a week, if only to discuss getting boob jobs and giggling over scenes from the Hangover.

But there is a glorious beauty that comes with a BFF Sissy. For one, there are so many things that we can share that few others could. (Side note: Random Friend does not represent any one of my particular friends so don’t get pissed, k?)

While Shopping with Sissy
Me: How do these jeans look? Super fly, right?
Sissy: Um, no. Definitely not. They kind of give you camel toe but in your butt.
Me: ((sigh)) You’re right…

While Shopping with a Friend
Me: How do these jeans look? Super fly, right?
Random Friend: Nah, I don’t think those are working for you.
Me: What do you know, slut? ((stomps away))

Chatting with Sissy about Family
Sissy: Can you believe what random family member did? What a butt monkey?
Me: Right?! Don’t even get me started on that reh-tard!!

Chatting with Friend about Family
Friend: I can’t believe what your random family member did! What a butt monkey!
Me: Shut up, bitch. That’s MY retarded family member you’re talking about!! ((throws punch))

Planning a Night Out with Sissy
Me: First we should eat and then drink and then drink some more and have a slumber party and be drunk with the drinking and it will be awesome!!
Sissy: I’m pre-funking already!

Planning a Night Out with Random Friend
Me: First we should eat and then drink and then drink some more and have a slumber party and be drunk with the drinking and it will be awesome!!
Friend: Sorry, I have to wash my cousin’s aunt’s sister’s friend’s neighbor’s poodle’s hair that night.
Me: Whore.

You know, maybe I’d have more friends if I stopped calling them whore all the time…

So anyway, you can see that I’m terribly biased when it comes to preferring a sibling gender for Bee. I know that if Cletus is a boy, he and Bee will be as thick as thieves (mainly because I will force them to be friends even if I have to use Sissy’s Gitmo Indian burn technique), but somehow I don’t think they’ll be calling eachother five times a day to discuss vaginaplasty when they’re older.

But, hey, I could be wrong.

Song title: My Best Friend by Tim McGraw

Last week, Sissy and I took the families to Seaside, Oregon for a quaint little beach house vacation.

And by “quaint” I mean that our beach house was 3700 square feet.

Sah-weet!!

Seriously, you would’ve died. The bathrooms alone were enough to make me wet myself a little. You could have literally fit about 10 people in the master bath shower (I actually did measure it out while showering one morning. Don’t ask.), which was outfitted with two shower heads, one hand-held shower thingy and four body spray nozzles.

We spent the week lounging around and visiting the beach. I think the kids had a little bit of fun.

The entire week was a blast, which shouldn’t be so surprising except for one little thing: Sissy and I can handle a maximum of two days living together before we have a full on relationship breakdown and can hardly handle being in the same room together.

So you can imagine our shock and awe when the vacation was all but over and we hadn’t bickered at all!

We were just as shocked as you are.

Bee had many huge breakthroughs of her own last week. If you know Bee personally, you’d know that Bee hates getting dirty. We once took her to a local beach and she refused to venture out off of the towel because (gasp!) sand! Dirt! Oh my!

So imagine our surprise when this happened:

And this:

And even this:

She even ATE sand, people!! ATE IT!

That beach has magical powers, y’all. (at least I hope it had magical powers and not more butt worms)

Song title: Break on Through by The Doors

Who has the most awesome father in the whole wide world?

I do!

Why?

Because he found these to give as a gift to Baby Bee.

That’s right. Candy cigarettes. For his granddaughter.

I’m still laughing my ass off about it!

And I’m SO taking these to Vegas with me…

I am totally an information junkie. I could (and do) spend all day watching and reading news, blogs, and/or researching whatever new obsession I might conjure up that particular day. But I know I’m not alone when I say that recently the news has been fucking depressing. If it is not a mass shooting somewhere, then it is moms leaving their babies in their cars to either die or be carjacked. (Seriously that has happened multiple times in just the last few weeks here in Seattle.)

I know some people just choose to not watch the local news. Honestly, I could never do that. First of all, to not watch television is against my religion. Secondly, I feel like it’s my responsibility to know what’s going on in the world around me in order to be prepared. What if there was some massive event happening and I didn’t know about it? Like, the Housewives of New York’s Countess being “blindsided” by a divorce?! Breaking news, people!

But to be serious again, the news has just been ridiculously violent lately. And if that weren’t bad enough, I keep on coming across these horrific stories on blogs about dead moms, dead babies, or babies that didn’t even get the chance. First I must say that I cannot even fathom what the loved ones who are left to deal with their grief are going through…

With that said, I often have to ask myself, “why do I constantly read blog posts that are destined to (1) depress the shit out of me and (2) make me entirely too paranoid that something is going to happen to Baby Bee, Baby Numero Dos or even me before, during, or after the next pregnancy?”

While I love, obviously, the Interwebs and the community amongst ourselves that we are, it’s scary to read all of these heart-shattering stories and realize it could happen to you, too.

So I ask you, Interwebs, do you find yourself drawn to these stories of loss or do you prefer to avoid those blogs and just read about puppies and rainbows and whatnot?

On a completely unrelated (and significantly funnier and happier) note, Sissy went to Costco today in search of Easter baskets for her three children. Upon arriving, she began her hunt for baskets, only to discover that they sold out of baskets since the last time she was there a few days ago.

Filled with Easter Basket despair, she continued her shopping only to discover a (most likely) abandoned cart containing not one, not two, but THREE beautiful Easter baskets. As told by Sissy, the clouds parted and she could hear the chorus of angels as she stealthily waited until all the other shoppers were distracted by 10 gallon jugs of mayonnaise and she snatched the baskets and threw them in her cart like the ninja she always wished she could be.

She then ran walked quickly, but so quickly as to arise suspicion, to the checkout lines, the rest of her shopping list be damned. And she is now at home, baskets secure and awaiting Sunday’s festivities.

So if you take nothing else from this story, I hope you feel compelled by the Easter spirit as my Sissy did. Just make sure you don’t get caught.

Song title: No News Is Good News by New Found Glory

No. No! NO!! DON’T TOUCH THAT!!
Happy (belated) Fourth of July everybody! Today the Bee Family just got back from a 2-day visit to Nana & Poppa’s Lake House out in Shelton. At the left (see photo), you’ll see my overnight bag. Oh yeah, you heard me right. That is my overnight bag for the trip. Now, it was for me and Baby Bee, but still. I was pretty embarrassed to be dragging that ginormous bag around for a day and a half trip!

::Side Note Rant::
Sorry to interrupt, but I have The Next Food Network Star on TV right now and the chefs are on the Rachel Ray Show. I’m sure to finally offend someone here, but oh my God, Rachel Ray annoys the crap outta me. I don’t really have anything witty to add here. She is just way too friggin’ annoying and happy all the time. Someone needs to lay off the Valium. And pass it this way!
/end rant

But I digress…Anyways, we had a big Welcome-Home-and-Congratulations-on-Retiring-from-the-Air-Force Party for Sissy and Family. It was fun but busy and now I feel like I need a weekend at the Lake House to relax!

My big epiphany from the weekend is this: my fifth worst nightmare is being stuck with a toddler in a non-baby-proofed house. (My other worst nightmares? (1)Heights (2)Dolls (3)Clowns & (4)a Clown Doll trying to push me off a cliff. Don’t laugh! It’s funny until it happens to you.)

Anyway, is it not the worst thing ever to have a toddler exploring a house that is not prepped for kids?! I was chasing Baby Bee all weekend! Sooo exhausting! The next time I go anywhere, I’m packing with me a baby gate, safety plugs for outlets and a giant trash bag to dump everything baby accessible. If that doesn’t work, maybe I’ll just try to find a Baby Bee sized straight jacket…

Song title: Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins

Mama loves her Sissy!
Today Sissy and Family (and I) went to Meeker Days in Puyallup (”Pew-Al-Up” for those that don’t speak fluent Washingtonian…). It was way too hot for this Washingtonian and I was dying in the upwards of 85+ degrees outside! Seriously, anything hotter than a comfy 75-ish is way too much for me to handle.

Besides the heat (and being totally inappropriately dressed for eating dinner in the grass!), it was so fun hanging out with Sissy and Family! I’m still totally in shock and denial that they are back home for good! See…Sissy and Family moved to Jolly Ol’ England in early 2004 and finally moved back to the States a year ago or so. To New Jersey. Yes, you heard me correctly. New Jersey. But not even the close-to-New-York-New-Jersey. Like, out is the middle of friggin’ no where Jersey. Needless to say, Sissy is very happy to be home too!

And I’m so happy to have Niece (seen above – isn’t she fab?) and Big Nephew and Little Nephew home again! They are just crazy monkeys and I love it. Too quote 4-year-old Niece, (while eating KFC for lunch) “Someone call the doctor because I’ve got Chicken Fever!” Reminded me a bit of this and I was dying laughing.

Song title: Fair by Ben Folds Five

Call me slow, but it just hit me today that tomorrow will be the last day that we will be living in our F-Dub home. We’re going to start our move on Saturday and hopefully be living in our Hills Shoe Box by Saturday evening. But now I don’t want to go!

For years our F-Dub home was nothing special. It was built in the early 1970’s and boy did it look like it! But the crappy place grew on me. We fixed it all up (unfortunately, not in time to really enjoy it) and it slowly grew from crappy first home to our comfy home.

I’ll always remember the day we got the keys to Mr. Bee and I’s first home together. It was the weekend that Mr. Bee proposed…

I was awoken early (6:30am-ish and to a professional student at the time, that’s early) with a phone call from Mr. Bee. He was too excited and couldn’t wait any longer for me to wake up. He told me to wake up, pack a bag (he gave me a few situations to pack for), and head down to our new home. About a half hour later, I was on the road and got another phone call from the Mr. He told me to look underneath my driver’s seat. I pulled out a travel guide for San Francisco! Sweet!
I met Nana (back when she was just called “Mom”) at the new house with the keys and gave her the first tour of the house. That weekend the Mr. and I went to San Francisco where Mr. Bee popped the big question on a romantic bluff on the ocean after the sunset. *sigh*

We got back in town late Sunday night and just couldn’t wait to start our new *engaged* life, so we raided my parents house for sleeping bags, towels, toilet paper, the works. We created a little nest in our living room and started living in the house that night! (We also learned the hard way that apparently the utilities had been shut off prior to closing…Thank God for parents living two minutes away! Houses without running water suck.)

That was five years ago. This house has seen us through the end of law school, starting a business, job promotions, our first (and psychotic) dog, our first pregnancy and, of course, our first child. And now we have just sold her off to some douchebags like she’s our red-headed stepchild. How do we know that they will love her (and hate her) as we have?

But now we’re moving to greener pastures. And to celebrate, we’re feasting tonight on my favorite local Chinese food (and pretty much the *only* Chinese food that delivers to our crappy neck of the woods). It’s really the only restaurant in the area that I’ll miss – except for Panera and Great Harvest Bread Co. (but god knows I’ll be back to visit those places like every single day).

On a super, happier note, Sissy and Family moves home tomorrow! I’ll be loitering around Seatac at noon tomorrow to pick them up, but it still hasn’t hit me that they are back home (Western Washington) for good! They’ve been gone about four and a half years now and I’m pretty sure my mom is pooping herself with excitement tonight. Maybe I should bring some Depends with me to the airport…

Song Title: All Good Things (Come To An End) by Nelly Furtado