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Pins and Needles

4 Nov

So this morning is my first appointment with the acupuncturist.

Part of me thinks that the session will leaving me feeling like this:

Oooooooom....

However, the other (crazy) part of me is worried that I’ll end up more like this:

Ouch!

Since I’ve learned through my crazy town appointments that I deal better with information, I’m doing my best to research the shit out of acupuncture.

My main worries questions:

1. What should I wear?
I am gonna have to strip neked? Do I wear layers? Would my “Ride the S.L.U.T.” tee shirt be appropriate?

2. Where are they gonna poke me (with needles - just thought I should clarify)?
Will it ruin my makeup? Should I shave? Should I REALLY shave (you know what I mean)? Are they gonna put needles in my vag hole (in case the previous questions were too vague for you)?

3. Are they going to lecture me on Yin and Yang and Qi and shit?
Am I expected to buy in on all of that? If they start talking about opening and closing Qi faucets or some shit in my body, is it okay if I giggle a little?

4. Okay, really. Are they gonna poke needles in or near my vag?!
Obviously, this is a huge concern. Because, duh. Needles + Vagina = CHAOS! I’m pretty convinced that I should tell Mr. Bee that the fertility issue is his problem and that he’s gonna have to get needles shoved in to his frank and beans.

Just to see the look on his face because that’d be classic!

More updates on my baby-hole being stuck with pins soon…

Song title: Pins and Needles by Billy Talent

Vagina Ice

6 Feb

Surprisingly, I only had three song title choices that included the word ‘vagina’. “Moist Vagina” by Nirvana just seemed inappropriate. I do have limits, people.

It seems that my fans have one thing on their minds lately: random women’s vaginas. But hey, who am I to judge?

First off this week, we’ve got a Baltimore woman who decided to donate a kidney to her niece. THROUGH HER VAGINA. Apparently the procedure is less painful and produces less scarring.

Huh.

“It was easier than childbirth,” said VagKidneyWoman, who has three children.

Fancy that. Maybe because a kidney is the size of a human fist. Jesus, I could pop a fist out of my vagina any day of the week! Let alone with medical assistance.

And in case you were worried about the poor niece who is now a vagkidney recipient, Dr. Vag said a plastic bag was placed into her abdominal cavity through a tiny incision protected the donated kidney from contamination by bacteria and other organisms in her vagina.

Organisms? Really, though? If I was the VagChick I would be personally requesting that my doctor does not lead people to believe that I have Sea Monkeys living in my vagina.

* * * * *

Elsewhere this week, a single 33-year-old crazy cat lady Child Collector woman with 6 kids already, gave birth to octuplets. That’s 8 kids yo (for those of us that didn’t major in Latin).

Seriously?

I have way too many thoughts about this. First of all, I’m pretty sure I’d be eating the business end of a gun donut plane ticket to Belize if I had six children. But what kind of fucked up person then decides to implant 8+ embryos in their vagina?!

Apparently a woman who thinks having litters of kids will bring her fame and free shit. Oh wait, what? Yeah, that’s *right* lady. No one wants to give you any free shit to sponsor because You. Are. Crazy.

I’m LOVING that all the baby product companies in the world are like, “uh, yeah. No thanks. We’ll pass on this one…” because the situation is so obviously fucked up and the mom is crazy a crack smoker for wanting so many babies mentally unstable.

Honestly, I don’t know which is worse: the “mom” (and I use the term looooooooosely) or the doctor(s) involved. What was the doctor thinking?! I’ve heard rumors that the “mom” lied to the doctors about the situation, but still. Epic Fail for the doc, for sure.

PLEASE!

* * * * *

Lastly, I’d like to send my thoughts out to Statler this week. Statler’s dog was just diagnosed with cancer and it’s been really rough on her, so just wanted to give her a shout-out and let her know that we’re all thinking about her! XOXO

PS: NOT a good idea to Image Google Search “vagina” thinking you’ll be able to bypass all the p0rn and just find a funny image to use on your blog.

Song title: Vagina Ice by Bliss N Eso


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